From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jan 16 0:02:47 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #101 Message-ID: <33142@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 16 Jan 90 05:02:47 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 101 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #101 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 16 Jan 90 05:02:47 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 101-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is my roommate an asshole? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } the roommate? } an asshole? } not likley! } for how? } could the roommate? } be an asshole? } and still? } play very loudly? } very very very loudly? } medieval tunes! } from norway! } norwegian folk songs! } every night! } norwegian folk nights! } like in norway! } midnights! } after midnights! } early mornings! } norwegian folk dawn songs! } very early! } does it mean? } that perhaps? } he would not let you sleep? --- 101-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! I'm driving along the freeway right now, and OUCH! I've just > spilled some scalding hot coffee onto my crotch, and so I've SWERVED > across the median onto the opposing lanes! CARS AND TRUCKS ARE COMING > AT ME AT 80 MPH! > HELP! QUICK!! WHAT SHOULD I DO???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Office of the Oracle, please hold the line ... } } ..... } ... } } Hello, sorry to keep you waiting. } Hello? } Who's calling please? } Hello? } } .... } } I hate these *%@!@##$%^% prank calls. } } --- 101-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that 3.5" diskettes come in little disk condoms? Is this > to promote safe hex? Doesn't the Moron Majority have any say in this? > The whole process of inserting a disk in a disk drive is downright > Freudian. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know how computer weenies (like us) try to ignore sexual drives in } favor of being good hackers? That sex stuff can't be kept down for too } long! If it doesn't come up in the usual way, it'll come spurting out } some other direction. I guess the same goes for disk designers. --- 101-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a borogove? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A person who asks the oracle what they are. --- 101-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I collect gum wrappers. I fold them into a long chain. My long chain > is very long. I am very good at folding gum wrappers. Would you like > some gum? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. I think you should be aware of the legality factor in such things } though. Sure, you won't have the Post Office beating down your door. } They only care about chain mail. You won't have the Police in your butt } with a microscope, they only care about chain murders and drug chains. } } However, I think that the FD&C Red Number 5, Bubble gum task force would } be quite preturbed with a chain of wrappers. } } ps. You don't chain smoke do you? --- 101-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My linguistic faculties have been on the Fritz all day. > M h t > y a o > s o No matter what Hans did, his every other thought co > o n n > r ' h ihtyna swonk ydoboN .sgnikcots ten-hsif denrec > i t o n > e t g it appears to be. But in what sen > n b s > t e e I t w eht esu tsuj I did e > a e i ' a o > t n t v h r se? Do I make > i h e w ylno si esn d n myself > o e e e clear? > n r. seen. Y'know s s And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don } 't } b } e } sill } y the } re is } noth } ing wrong wi } th yo } ur l i } n g } u } is } tic } s . --- 101-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There's a bee on my Twinkie -- somehow that only amuses the wrong half > of my brain. But it's okay, I'm on they're happy so therapy. But I > need to know, does this situation require any power tools? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You fool, how did you let that craven insect amuse you at all? You } should know better, someone with your pschological history should have } never been allowed twinkies sweets! I think it is time that you go get } a little bit of jolts on the brain! You are really a pathetic fool, I } think I will turn you into a warty toad! Nah, an amoeba would be much } more fun, then I could stick you in a microscope with a 200 watt bulb } and watch you cook slowly, your cell structure start to break down, } until---- } } Oracle, this is God again. Didn't I tell you not to threaten people who } ask you of advice? You know what happens when you stat this up. I make } you program in COBOL for eons. Do you want that? } } --No, no Lord, I'll be good . } } Now, what was it, oh yes, No power tools necessary. Just an axe and two } quarts of cream cheese. } } You owe the Oracle a new can of shinola --- 101-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happened when did me first know that do you say help you that I > came to you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle owe you big time for dictionary new parse to sentence that. } } You thank. Object before sentence of rest. --- 101-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many days do I have to wait for a reply to my love letter that I > sent to you 3 months ago. Now you know I love you greatly, but if you > don't reply within 30 days, I will have to marry someone who seems to be > better than you and who claims that he loves me very much. > > Love, > Granny And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle } Right Hand of God } Heaven, IN 00001 } } January 15th, 1990 } } Dear Mrs. Granny: } } We are sorry for the misplacement of your previous letter and we hope } that future occurances will not come about. Please remember that at } the time your balance with the Oracle was past due. I understand that } this was also a misunderstanding on our part and that you in fact had } a credit balance with us. } } Please bear with these difficulties as the Oracle is in a state of } transition. } } Upon your referral the letter was called up from limbo and was again } examined. With careful consideration the late answer is this: } } } I don't love you Granny, but I do like the cookies you sent me for } } Christmas. You are very appreciated but you would be happier with } } the other person. } } } } You owe the oracle another batch of cookies. } } We can offer no greater apology for the lateness of this reply. We } can offer many excuses, however: } } # The message was declassified and handled by another user. This } user was removed from the network forcibly before he could answer } the message. Mr. Morris will probably reply after his trial. } } # A network link was down and your message was forwarded to limbo } before being processed. } } # The Oracle called in sick that day and the secretary lost it. } } # The Oracle was temporarily misdirected by a really good posting on } rec.humor.funny. This occurance happens with some frequency, but } no one really minds. } } # We have no idea why we lost your message. } } Please accept this late reply as it is all we will offer. } } Signed, } } The Usenet Oracle } } PS, You owe the oracle yet another batch of cookies. They're great! --- 101-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If computers had philosophers, what would they preach? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Computer philosphers would most likely talk } Of networks, devices, troff and awk, } Of clustered processors and Ethernet lines, } And math co-processors capable of splines. } } In the case of a query to which they knew not } The answer, they would pause for some thought } And come to the Usenet Oracle, you see, } For there exists no greater source of knowledge } Than me. } } For I am the Oracle, and I'm okay, } I answer your dumb questions both } Night and day } I tend to eat CPU time } For no reason at all } Just to tick off our operators } And send them up the wall. } } You owe the Oracle an ox.