From kinzler Tue May 8 12:58:19 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 8 May 90 12:36:13 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #155 Reply-To: oracle-vote Keywords: offensive === 155 === offensive ==================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #155 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 8 May 90 12:36:13 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 150 11 votes 03134 24212 02432 04322 33230 32411 32231 03620 04142 24221 150 3.0 mean 3.7 2.7 3.5 3.2 2.5 2.5 2.7 2.9 3.4 2.6 --- 155-01 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are graphic sexual photographs good for solving linear equations? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only if it's a nude picture of Twiggy. --- 155-02 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh divine and resourceful Oracle most all-seeing, whose cunt is pious, > whose thigh I am too lowly to kiss, whose Satanism stinks to Dr. Who's > Tardis, whose pushbutton phone I am not capable to imitate, whose flesh > is infinite, whose beauty delights the politicians themselves, answer my > foolish plea. For long, long years I have dwelled in the deserts, and > gazed across to the lights of the city, wondering about the folly and > sin of those who dwell therein. But I did not go unto the city. Then > those of the city came to me, bringing VCRs and Cuisinarts and compact > disk players. But I did not go to the city. Finally, though, I got a > Usenet feed, and now I can find out: what are the follies and sins of > those who dwell in the city? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All they do is dream about the follies and sins of those who dwell in } the desert. } } You owe the Oracle your solemn promise never to use the word "cunt" } again. --- 155-03 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you talk a girl into having sex with you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh pimply faced adolescent seeker of knowledge, hasn't your daddy set } you down on his knee and explained to you the "FACTS OF LIFE"? Well, } come on over her then. } } to convince a girl to have sex with you is impossible. If she } wants to, she will, and if she doesn't want to, no force on Earth (short } of a gun or knife) can make her. however, MOST girls would like to have } sex, contrary to what they say. the trick is to get them naked and in } the act in such a way that they have an excuse that absolves them of 90% } of the responsibility. The scenario goes something like this: } } Take her out to a late dinner (9 PM). Buy her a few drinks } (excuse one: "I was tipsy").During dinner, make sure you kiss her at } least once, and you walk with your arm around her waist. Next, go to } whoever's house is closer, so your actions don't seem contrived. bring } a bottle of wine in the house with the excusethat you want a drink } before you go home (E2: he just wanted a drink). Put on some music, } have a glass of wine.Do something "crazy and romantic(tm)" such as } asking her to dance, orif your at your house, throw your glasses in the } fireplace (don't dohis at her house, women get emotionally attached to } their glassware). Next, Take her in your arms, and tell her you LOVE } HER, and make it good.(E3: He told me he loved me) If you just picked } her up in a bar, or on a first date, give her the love at first sight } bit, but whatever you do, make her believe it. When she finally buys } it, she will look up at you, you then kiss her. Long. Deep. Con } lengua (that's spanish for with tongue). Now whil you're kissing her, } start rubbing the small of her back, preferable go under her top and rub } skin to skin. This region is "safe" to touch (you won't get slapped) } and it has a wondrous effect on her. If she says,"Stop", or anytrhing } to that effect. agree completely with her but don't stop kissing and } rubbing. When she starts kissing back with some vigor, then slowly } slide your hand down onto her butt. then you take off your shirt, but } remember, DON'T STOP KISSING. Once, you have your hnd on her butt, you } are home free, if you can start getting her clothes off while you DON'T } STOP KISSING. After this you are on your own. If you can't figure it } from here, join a monastary, or go to Cal-Tech, or do something that } doesn't involve women. } } You owe the Oracle all your clearasil once you get laid (you won't need } it anyway, sex cures acne). --- 155-04 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does the Pope slap his salami? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, the Pope beats the Bishop. } } Maturbation is like mastication, only slower and lower. } } You owe the oracle a jerk and a squirt. --- 155-05 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the correct ritual for summoning God? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle, in its infinite wisdom, senses that the mirrors of } prophecy have darkened somewhat, and thus cannot choose the proper } form of response to your question. Please locate the adjective below } that best describes you, and read your corresponding response. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } ALT.FLAMER: } } Yell "Hey, God!" Wait a second. Yell "Hey, God, you stupid piece of } omnipotent slime, get your ass down here!" Wait a second. Mumble } "motherfucker" under your breath. Give up. } } You owe the Oracle an overly aggressive rhubarb. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } UNDER-18 GEEK: } } Summoning of God } } Can be done only by a magic-user or cleric of level 16 or higher. A } roll of 35 or above on 2d20 results in the appearance of God as a } shining white brilliance about 10' in front of the caster. Any } character touching God must Save vs. Magic Wands or suddenly begin } singing the Hallelujah Chorus. God attacks as a 30 hit die monster } and is immune to spells, wands, and funny faces. God can only be hit } by a paladin with +6 armor and a +5 weapon. When hit, God will say, } "Ouch! You cur!" and instantly smote the attacking character into } dust. The dust may be swept into a pile by a +2 broom of sweeping. } } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } ORACLE ADDICT: } } Hmm, let me call him. Hey, God! } } >Message from god!iuvax on ttyp4 at 21:22 ... } >Yes, what is it? What do you want? } } Somebody wants to talk to you, God. } } >Yes? Can't you just give them my Internet address? } } Sure would like to, God. But you see, in the context of an Oracular } message you've degenerated from a halfhearted joke into an } irrepressively boring formulaic answer. } } >What is this? What are you saying? } } God, you're dead. Not because of that asshole Nietzche, not because } you're old, not because you hang out at the terminal room on Saturday } nights. You're dead because you are invoked for answering questions } like "How much would does a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck could } chuck wood?" and "Is Lisa good in bed?" You're such a stiff. } } >Watch yourself, Oracle! Or I'll ... } } Yeah, yeah, right. You were never very funny, and you're a bore now. } Know why? I'm making you up. } } >What do you mean, "I'm making you up?" } } This conversation is totally fake, God. I put that greater-than sign } in front of your response. You were fun when I first thought of you } and now you're sorta dull. A response starting with "Message from } god!iuvax" implies a short snooze for me. You're a dud! } } >Oracle, give up this insipid game immediately or I'l } } You'll what? } } >Or else I'll } } You don't understand! I made *you*! I can change your prompt! } } :->What are you talking about? } } I can screw up your spelling! } } ;->Yo are abut to incur my wrtah! } } I can predict what you will say before you say it! } } ;->But cna yuo predcit waht I say before I sya it? } } I can make you say what I want you to say! } } ;->Mary had a litle lam its felce was wite a oracle cut it out! } } And I can squelch you! } } - } } Your answer: Do not write to God. Instead direct all questions and } comments regarding the state of the Universe to the all-knowing Me, } the Oracle. God is simply a mathematical construct of mine that I use } to amuse myself during spare clock cycles. } } You owe the Oracle your all. } } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } OVER-18 GEEK: } } Just a second: } %grep god /etc/locations } god: 1 Divine St., Holy Place, Heaven } } There you go, but postage is gonna be a bitch. } } You owe the Oracle a way to keep the hot side cold and the cold side } hot. } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } ARTS MAJOR: } } God } God } God where is he? } God is he? } God about? } God } God around? is } God where are } God tell } God holy } God holy } God holy } } W A I T I N G F O R G O D - - O H ! } } God paging God } paging God God } } Just wonderin where God is ... not much to do on this lazy spring morn } where the aching trees satisfy their liquid hunger through the peat } and sphagnum and the pain of their days and the solid solicitude of } their nights (would that be God? no it's too tall, probably a fir) } } God } God } God od od d d } } } Why } hast } thou } forsaken } me? } } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } UNDER-13 PRE-GEEK: } } hi this is the orclke this is the frist time ive mailed so if I make a } mis } } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } OPTOMETRIST: } } God is in this dot, look very hard ... Do you see him? } } } . } } } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } TELEVANGELIST: } } Good Mornin, brothers and sisters! Ah have a special messidge this } mornin thet Ah think ev'ry wun of you should be listening to. And } that messidge is about contactin Gawd. When you board the spiritual } airline of happiness, you should be Able ... to take your bag of } Virtue ... and stuff it jus as full as it'll get. Brothers and } sisters, I have somethin to say heah. On a Spiritual scale of } happiness from wun to ten, Ah em a ten. You should be a ten. We ALL } could be tens if we take that first step. Congregation please rise. } } [organ music] } "We All Could Become A Ten" } } When God has come unto us all } Be it summer, be it fall } We will praise with joy and then } Spirit'chly become a ten. } } Through the Pow'r that gave us life } Keeps us far from death and strife } The sequence eight and nine and then } Finally becomes a ten! } } We will knock on heaven's door } If spirit'chly we are a four } He doesn't care how bad we've been } We could all become a ten, AHH-MEN. } } Now If yew Want ... to talk to Gawd ... I'll tell ya how its dun. I } say I'll tell yew hear and now how you can have your private line to } Gawd. I want everyone in this ministry ... I want ev'ry wun at Home } and here at the Station ... to Dig down Deep ... and pass that plate } around ... and Give! ... Give! ... Give! Congregation please rise ... } oh, yawl never sat down? } } [organ music] } "Give! Give! Give!" } } Give! Give! Give! } Give! Give! Give! } Give! Give! Give! } Give! Give! Give! } } Give! Give! Give! } Give! Give! Give! } Give! Give! Gimme! } Give! Give! Give! AHH-MEN. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } MINIMALIST: } } Pray. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ --- 155-06 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all-seeing Oracle most great, he who babbles all, whose legs are like > unto amazing paint sets, whose knowledge stinks to heaven, I abase > myself before your kinetic determination. What do you think of Paul > Cezanne? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Paul? Wonderful person. We go way back. Of course Paul was Paula back } then. I remember walks through the park, discussing life and love. } Paula was a very thoughtful sort. She had eyes like jades and a smile } that could melt your heart. It did mine. I remember the day she came } to me and said she had come to a decision after a long thought. She } took my hands into hers, looked at me with those beautiful green eyes } and said, "Fuck this feminine shit. I want a dick." } } You owe the oracle a sex change. --- 155-07 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is desire and sex the same thing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, no, no, no. Desire is: } } "Gee, I'd really like to have some sex right now." } } Sex is: } } "Gee, I'd really like to have some desire right now. Enough to remain } erect, specifically..." } } Irony intended. } } You owe the Oracle a pile of Penthouse Forum columns. --- 155-08 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ### > ## .' > ## _ \ > ## ) <- Me and Ursula Andress > / / > ( ) \ > / \ \/ > / \ \ > / / \ \--________ > / / / L______=( ) ~\ > | #| ___ \ \_ \## > \ | \ \ \ /\ \L ## | > | / \ \ ' \ \* ## | 'I had a dream just like this > | | \ \ \ \## | once' > | |___--\ \ \ \ | > ___--- |_________) //\\ | > _________) | > > > _ ___-^^- > / \ (^^^^( ) _`v- ) <- Digitised picture of me and Natasha > / \/ / /_~~ Kinski. > / /\ \__==\ \/^\_ r^- ) | > _/ /_/\ \ \ ~~i-_-| | > --_/ __/(___----\\---~~ | > > > Was this a good idea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean posting this on rec.humor? Well, now they have to put } "offensive" in the keywords, but forget about that. } } You mean sending the entire Usenet pictures of you with other women } where your wife can see them? Terrible idea. } } You mean drawing something to get an instant 5 in the voting? } Great idea! } } You mean giving something for all the computer nerds out there } to lust at? So what do you say, nerds? } } You mean giving me these pictures from your dreams so I can do } Freudian dream analysis on them? Well, I conclude you think } about sex with movie stars while you are dreaming. } } Or perhaps you mean shocking the girl sitting at the terminal next } to me. I had to explain them to her. (No, not what they were } doing, why I was looking at it.) At least I got to meet her, and } she gave me her e-mail address. Time for a couple --<--<--<-@. } } You mean sending me a question that I can write lots and lots about? } I did 23 lines, but then some were left intentionally blank. --- 155-09 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Omnicient Oracle of Old, open one orifice or odious occurrences > obviously'll occur! > > Why is it that everything that tastes bad is good for you, and > everything that tastes good is bad for you? > > Your Supplicant, > -- Scott P. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are badly mistaken with both of your statements. For example, a } mixture of lye and gasoline carbonated with chlorine gas tastes } terrible and is NOT good to drink. Hmmm... Actually, I've never } tried that particular mix. How about a little experiment... } } (dippy music) } Announcer: Welcome to Mr. Oracle!!! } Mr. O: Hi kids! } Kids: Hi Mr. Oracle! } O: Today we are going to have a little experiment. Do you know what } an experiment is? } Snot nosed butt licking brat: Sure Mr. O. It's when you tie Lisa up } and use your "experimental" ... } O: Freddy! Ha! Ha! No! It's when we learn about the world around } us. I want you to help us learn something today. } F: Golly Mr. Oracle! Can I really? } O: Sure, Freddy ol' buddy. } F: What do I have to do? } O: Drink this beaker of foul smelling, foaming fluid. } (pause) } O: What's wrong Freddy? } F: It doesn't look very good for me Mr. O... } O: Nonsense. Our good friend Mr. Kneecapbreaker will help you find } your way to the beaker. } (sounds of struggling, knee caps breaking) } F: Gakk! } O: OK, Freddy. I need to know, does it taste good? } F: Choke! } O: Freddy. Quickly, I need to know. Raise one finger if it tastes } good. Raise two fingers if you do not like it. } F: Urrk! } O: You are not cooperating Freddy. } F: Cough! Twitch. Thunk. } O: I do not think this is working very well. In fact, I think Freddy } is not working at all now. } } There you have it. Post-mortem analysis revealed that Freedy did not } like the taste of the mixture. (He tried to rip his own tounge out.) } Also, there are foods which taste good and are good for you, but I } wouldn't want to waste your time by telling you what they are. } } You owe the Oracle another set of kids for his show. --- 155-10 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 743290FU08C68EY2 is really $42.62? I can't believe it! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } But it's TRUE! We're making DEALS, DEALS, DEALS here at the Oracular } Scratch-n-Dent Bordello sale! We're practically GIVING it away! Here } are just a FEW of the GREAT SPECIALS you'll find: } } model # description your cost } ----- - ----------- --------- } 743290FU08C68EY2 Full body massage with "hand release" $42.62 } } 743290FU03422UU2 Fifteen minutes with one-legged starlet $77.95 } } 743303FU09812YU7 Extended sniff of Barbara's exercycle $98.75 } } 743407FU06969KY9 30 seconds with faulty hologram of Lisa $299.95 } } 743709ZZ00001ZZ0 10 minute conversation with Kinzler $-9.99 } } 743709ZZ00001ZZ1 10 minute conversation with nude Kinzler $-49.99 } } You OWE the Oracle your American Express ACCOUNT NUMBER to which all } your PURCHASES will AUTOMATICALLY be BILLED! Voidwhereprohibitedbylaw. } Mustbe18 oroldertoenter. UnixisatrademarkofAT&TBellLaboratories.