From kinzler Tue May 29 12:55:30 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 29 May 90 12:49:28 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #164 Reply-To: oracle-vote Keywords: offensive === 164 === offensive ==================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #164 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 29 May 90 12:49:28 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 159 11 votes 12440 13520 01325 25301 05501 42320 32222 16400 11810 20504 159 2.8 mean 3.0 2.7 4.0 2.4 2.7 2.3 2.8 2.3 2.8 3.4 --- 164-01 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Recently I bought on sale a bottle of Swedish "champagne." It was pretty > awful. How can Swedes make champagne? Can vines even grow in that > climate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Upon encountering your question, I was forced to recall a tale that the } great and omnipotent parentage of the Oracle once related to me many a } milenia ago: } } Once upon a time, in a lovely sunny country inhabited only by luxurious } and stunningly ravishing blonde women, a young man named Frans happened } upon a frightening fact, all the women were virgins. This would have } not bothered our little adventurer, except for the small fact that he } was a nymphomaniac. Besides, it had been a real long time since,.. } well.. } } Anyways, Frans then and there decided to find a way to coax the young } maidens into surrendering their priceless gifts of passsion. Being the } world traveler that he was, Frans recalled a plant that grew rather } abundantly in France that when properly harvested and fermented, proved } to be a rather efective aphrodesiac. He traveled to this neighboring } country and returned with as many sprouts, grafts and seed he could } muster. } } To make a long fable less long, Frans encountered many a problem in } trying to get the buggers to take root. Determined in his conquest, he } proceeded to follow the procedure using the roots and seeds instead of } the lucious fruit. The result was absolutely repungant, and nearly } caused our young here to perish from the aroma alone. } } Our hero was cast into unfathomable dispair. His crying was heard by a } few of the local goddeses, who quickly came to his side. } } "Why do you cry so, little man?" they asked him. } } "I have been trying for years now to get this plant to grow so I can } make you a delicious drink and toast your beauty." } } The maidens, deeply moved by Frans remorse, promptly summoned the entire } population of Sweden (all female at this point in history). Upon } smelling the malicious vapors arrising from the vat where Frans had made } his last attempt, promptly gang-raped the living shit out of him, and } sealed the wicked fluid in a small cave in the mountains. } } The moral of this story is: Don't set your sights too high. } Vines do NOT grow in Sweden. } Don't ask ignorant questions. } AND you get what you pay for. } } You owe the almighty oracle 10 Swedish virgins. --- 164-02 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you an "oracle" or an "oralce?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Oracle," unless you make a transposition error in typing. "Oral C" is } a brand of toothbrush that never quite made it. Oral sex is fun because } it's slightly naughty. Oral Roberts is a TV evangelist who started a } university full of creepy students, and attracts a lot of people to } Tulsa, Oklahoma. Oral hygeine is important in preventing tooth decay. } An oral exam is sometimes easier than a written one if you can think } quickly. Oral surgery can be quite painful unless they get the } anesthetics right. An oral fixation is more fun than an anal fixation. } } You owe the Oracle a record of Oral Roberts singing. --- 164-03 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which is better: Butter or Margarine? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I prefer anal sex with Marcie to either one, myself. Still, if you have } to choose, consider what you're going to be putting it on. If you want } to grease up someone, margarine is a bit better -- get saltless } margarine -- because it's absorbed more slowly into the skin, and that } makes it last longer. Butter is somewhat more effective as a sunscreen. } Frozen margarine holds its shape longer, and if you're trying to carve a } pistol out of it to escape from prison, that probably means the } difference between success and failure. Butter hides the odors of } cocaine better -- you soften the butter, mash the cocaine in, and harden } it up, and it all works beautifully. Margarine is better for poisoning, } because it already tastes kind of chemically and people don't usually } notice an off-taste of whatever you added until too late. Butter } produces larger blasts when you mix it with the other stuff for } car-bombs. Get the picture? } } You owe the Oracle a pound of Land-O-Lust --- 164-04 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Um ... please tell me ... um ... why do my sexual fantasies always > get posted to alt.sex.bondage, despite the fact that (1) there is > absolutely no bondage in them, (2) they mostly concern me getting > seduced by an otter, and (3) I have never told them to anyone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A telepath of perverse mind and weird sense of humor is reading them out } of your tiny little head, and writing them down and then posting them to } a.s.b. He chooses a.s.b so as to annoy the bondage freaks, who want to } know about how to pierce nipples and what kinds of rope hurt most and } what kinds least, how to modify straitjackets to make sex easier, etc. --- 164-05 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Not too long ago I won a weekend cruise with the Net.sex.diety of my > choice for asking the 10,000th question of you. I have not yet received > any further details of this. How do I claim this prize?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You may claim your prize by calling 1-900-SEX-TALK and asking for } "a sleeve job." This code phrase will put you directly in contact } with the Oracle's prize department. } Unfortunately, the various net.goddesses are all booked up until } the year 2013 with previous winners (the one who asked the 1,000th } question, the one who asked the 1,010th question, 1,020th, etc. All } except the one who asked the 5,040th. He didn't want a net.goddess on } his cruise; he asked for a stack of Sears catalogs [the spring } edition--with the swimsuits] and a one-gross carton of boxes of Kleenex } to take on his cruise. The Oracle shudders to think...) } } You owe the Oracle a Coke MagiCan with a one-peso prize inside. --- 164-06 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that Shirley Maclaine has used her esoteric powers to steal > the body of a sexy young actress, whose self is now trapped in Shirley's > body? If so, who has she become? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not a sexy young actress. Not in this lifetime, anyway. } } The last time Shirley stole the body of a sexy young actress was } seventy some years ago, back when she was not Shirley, rather, her } previous life form Priscilla Boobzwiggle, an expert in the occult, and } personal friend of Mae West. Knowing Mae wanted to break into the } film industry, and knowing Mae's high moral standards would not permit } her sleeping her way to the top, Prissy, plain as unflavored gelatine, } yet horny as a crazed weasel in heat, saw a perfect opportunity to } have a hot body, get famous, make lots of money and lay as many men as } could fit inside her at once. A well-cast spell was all it took, and } Prissy assumed the body of Mae West, and went on to become the eternal } movie slut of the early twentieth century. The real Mae West, } assuming the body of Prissy, went on to become a nun in a local } convent, got caught screwing an altar boy six years later, and was } subsequently banished from the Church. } } Since Shirley (in this lifetime) has been suffering from a lack of } publicity lately, she has taken it upon herself to gain popularity by } stealing the body of a sexy young actor, who's movie career had been } in some sort of resurgence. She unwittingly swapped bodies with } Richard Gere, a tragic mistake, since at precisely that time, he was } face down in a hospital emergency room while the remnants of a "Stupid } Pet Trick" were being removed from his rectum. Needless to say, } Shirley's career seems to have taken a turn for the worst. } } This is not to say the consciousness of Richard Gere has gotten away } scott-free. Rumor has it that every time Richard (in the body of } Shirley) walks into a pet store, all the rodents start barking like } dogs. } } You owe the Oracle a Habitrail. --- 164-07 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, whose dingleberries I wouldst pluck with the greatest of care > and tenderness if only I had my tweezers, lift the veil of ignorance > from these undeserving eyes: > Just what _are_ SP, LP and EP on my VCR? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracles don't get dingleberries -- those are the result of ignorance } about the state of one's own backside, which the Oracle doesn't have } (the ignorance, not the backside). } } People will tell you that SP = Standard Play (2 hours / tape), LP = Long } Play (4 hours / tape), EP = Extended Play (6 hours / tape). } } Actually, these settings are for playing back pre-recorded porno videos. } SP is for Straight Porn -- ordinary male-female sex. LP is for Lesbian } Porn: women doing things with women, which not only lesbians but a lot } of men find very titillating, probably because of all the tits. EP is } for Extreme Porn: wilder homosexual acts, orgies, bestiality. Playing } back a video on the wrong setting can result in distortion: the men in } an SP video will appear to be women of great size and ugliness if the } tape is played back on LP, or horses if it is played back on EP. Some } perverts use the wrong settings on purpose... --- 164-08 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that if you use your left hand it feels like someone else is > doing it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly not if you're left-handed. The Oracle uses both hands at the } same time, although it is ambisexterous. --- 164-09 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle: We recently got a new manager, and while she isn't the > best in the world she at least does her job and doesn't schedule 9:00 AM > meetings. However, over the Memorial Day weekend I rented an old porno > tape (circa 1983), and was astonished to see her in it. After doing > some research at the same store, I found a total of three tapes that she > was featured in. Although the name was different, it was undoubtedly > her. > Now I'm confused about how to handle this at work. Should I send her > a bouquet and praise her acting abilities? Should I miss a deadline and > hope for a tongue-lashing? Please respond quickly as I am due for > rotation in less than a month. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On such fine points of Etiquette I defer to Miss Manners. } } Set host "etiquette.manners.miss" } } "Well, while I am loath to presume, I would assume the woman in question } has left her previous profession for good reason, and may not want to } relive her experiences (ahem) with her new employees. I would suggest } you be reserved and not do anything overt (such as bringing any video } equipment or personal lubricant to her meetings.) Instead, you should } ply her with drinks at the next holiday party or out-of-town meeting and } see what pops up." } } You owe the Oracle a few testosterone injections and a video of you next } performance review (if you get my drift). --- 164-10 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Could you tell me a little about the sex life of the teenage mutant > ninja turtles? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, this is, in fact, one of the more sad and sordid secrets in } Tinseltown. } } The representation of the TMNT you see in cartoons and movies is a } totally sanitized version of a tawrdy story of incest, homosexuality, } and child abuse. } } You see, the TMNT, abandoned as children, were taken in by the rat they } now acknowledge as Master. (Notice how the formualtion of the honorific } for the rat also implies subservience and hence the potential for } Sado-Masochistic dynamics in the relationship.) This Master, in } egregious abuse of his position as mentor and role model, began abusing } the TMNT at a tender age, twisting their impressionable minds with } gender-bending activity involving, among other things, fudge and pizza. } } The TMNT, in a subconcious attempt to ameliorate their pain and } confusion, began a narcissitic and homo-erotic relationship among } themselves, giving new meaning to the term "male bonding". In a classic } Freudian displacement of their anger at their parents and their master } for the abandonment and abuse, they have developed a fixation, bordering } on obsession, upon fighting evil and other authority figures who they } believe are betraying forces of "good". This allows them to moderate } the anger they feel at their Master without directing it at him: their } fear of being abandonemd again (by their Master, in this case) } overbalances the anger, but they must vent the anger in some manner. } } Hollywood, faced with the dilemma of purveying pronographic and } unflattering images of popular figures or passing up the opportunity to } exploit children for large sums of money, made the only ethical choice: } fabricate a completely fraudulent image of the characgters and THEN } exploit children for large sums of money. Hence the "sanitized" version } of the TMNT we see today. } } Believe me, the unvarnished truth is much worse than even these shocking } revelations. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Varitey and a large pepperoni pizza.