From kinzler Sat Jul 7 19:49:49 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 7 Jul 90 19:48:16 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #178 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 178 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #178 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 7 Jul 90 19:48:16 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 173 9 votes 30411 23211 03321 02250 22311 32121 34020 12330 22023 42120 173 2.7 mean 2.7 2.6 3.1 3.3 2.7 2.6 2.1 2.9 3.2 2.1 --- 178-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the elliptical eccentricity of Dan Quayle's intelligence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see here.... } } First take 1 divided by Dan Quayle's Intelligence.... } ERROR: Floating Exception - core dumped } } You owe the Oracle a new Math Coprocessor. --- 178-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hoi, chummer. I just wrote this to thank you for all the help you gave > me in the past. I really appreciate it... > > By the way, Why do they make white bread with brown bits around the > edges? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TOMATO WILT IS THE HOLE IN THE WALL. } } The whiteness of the bread is the symbol of the Sephira Kether in the } world of Briah. The brownness of the crust is the path 16, } corresponding to the letter Vau and symbolizing the Triumphal or Eternal } Intelligence, which connects the Sephiroth Chokmah and Chesed, in the } world Assiah. The former, of course, corresponds to the Ultimate } Mystery of the World (not to be confused with the Ultimate Mysteries } outside the world). The latter corresponds to the Heirophant of the } Greater Trumps. } } LOVE IS COLE SLAW, LOVE UNDER WATER. --- 178-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hiya, Oracle. I woke up this morning. That's kind of unusual, since I > usually sleep until about three, but today was kind of special. Kind of > special? Kind of exciting, or something like that. You see, a large > squid decided that it wanted to share my bed with me. A very large, > very cold, very wet squid, with very many tentacles, if I may be more > specific. And it didn't just want to sleep in my bed. Oh, no! This > squid wanted to play chess. And not using my chess set, either! It > used a chess set with thirty-two visually identical small gray stones as > chessmen, stones which had been dipped in different flavors so that you > could tell them apart by taste but not by vision. And of course squids > have taste buds in those two longer tentacles, and I had to use my > tongue which (it being early morning) I was in no mood to do. So, I > lost the chessgame, and then I lost my temper, and then the squid ate > me. > > What should I do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1st: Get out of the wardrobe. Sportscoats wont digest you, so you } don't have to panic. } } 2nd: Apologise to your girlfriend for screaming obscenities at her this } morning. She probably doesn't appreciate being called a "slimy } cold-blooded fish-faced underhand cheating mollusc". In fact, she } probably doesn't know what a mollusc is. The oracle won't point out } that a squid is not in fact a mollusc. It's an, um, er, it's a squid. } } 3rd: Take a very large axe or a very big dog and have a little chat } with the guy who sold you the overproof speed. } } 4th: Enroll in Psych 101, and read the text "Freud, Seafood and } Miniscule Dicks". } } 5th: Stop bothering the oracle with your drug-distorted sexual hangups; } he has plenty of his own, thankyou very much. --- 178-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > prrogram prrint a 1 on the screen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } /* pprogram prrint a 1 on screen */ } /* wrritten for dick_head */ } } main() } { } printf("1\n"); /* grrrrrr! */ } } } } ------- } And that was the programming contribution for this weeks test, "How } Mentally Retarded Can My Oracle Question Be Yet Still Be Deemed Worthy } Of Reply?". It was sent in by Genius@Big.Nob.And.Brain in response to } Moron@Geek.Machine.Edu } } Join us next week for the continuation of our "Agonisingly Dull } Questions" when we'll be answering the famous "What's a Floopy Discus?" } question. Same time, same place ... } } The Oracle Doesn't Want Anything You Have. --- 178-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where O' Where has my true love gone? O' Where O' Where can she be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [All Together Now!] } Where O' where are you tonight? } Why did you leave me here all alone? } I searched the world over } And thought I found true love. } You met another and ppttthhhhttt! You were gone. } } Actually, she ran off to sing with Hee Haw and marry Buck Owens. --- 178-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Most Awesome Oracle! I just saw on a map that there's a town named > after you! That's right, Oracle, Arizona! I'm impressed! What's the > history of this amazing little town? Were you born there? Are there > shrines to you? Is it appropriate for me to make a pilgrimage there > this summer? If so, what should I bring? What's the whole story? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Awesome"? The Oracle is not impressed by val-speak. } } It is, first, important to note that the anagram of "Oracle, Arizona" } is "AA color Zen air." You can make of that what you will. } } As for your shrines question, no, there are no computer terminals in } the town that bears my name - part of a covenant we share. Don't ask. } Thus, it would be impossible to make sacrifices to me there. However, } if you're really feeling in the mood, you can always offer up cash to } me. Unmarked tens and twenties stuffed into your computer's keyboard } is about the best way. Remember: it encourages non-attachment, it gets } your sins forgiven, and it's tax-deductible. --- 178-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > (con't) > > from the way she handles but still the lamp posts bear > markings that would seem to pre-date the apocalyptic > period that followed the failure of the Spooda crop in > that particular year. I tried to reason, but the pain > and the vibrationsdrove me back into my lair where I > needed to reconfigure my fundamental philosophical > underpinnings. This took some time and some soap, as > was recorded faithfully by Boswell, I'm sure you know, > in 1783, and led inexorably to the amalgamation of > thousands of tiny satellite dishes into a simple model > of Mount Rushmore formed entirely of armadillo > entrails. When my MOTHER found out, the hypersonic > guano-tron misfired and landed flaming rods of astatine > in the duck pond at th Center of the Earth. This was > expected, but as you might intuit, so distracted the > populous that the annual Festival of Bladders wasn't > even recorded in the annals of sophistry. When the > local constables reversed the flow of econo-political > > (over please --> ) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At any rate, when the brain-flies lean on their chairs and look at you } with their multi-faceted eyes with their multi-faceted contact lenses, } you may be sure that you are in for a true interrogation about the true } nature of reality. } } For behold! The otter is not damned, nor yet is the frog doomed to } perdition. And the agonies of the fruit-fly and the guano-beetle are } Consitutitonally guaranteed to be finite and bounded. But alas! For } the woes of the Indian and the Calliope are fated to be infinite, cosmic } in scope, and terrible to behold. --- 178-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please, wise oracle, tell me the words to describe my lady-love, for > when I am with her there are no words and when I am away from her I > can't see her. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My love is like a red, red rose } Which droops and starts to decompose } And when she travels far away } I note the odour does not stay } } My love and I shall never part } I'll always keep her in my heart } However hard I try to purge } The memory of her painful dirge } } My love is like a red, red rose } All sodden from the garden hose } A pretty yet still pungent flower } Run o'er by the garden mower --- 178-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want to have sex with a vax. I am speaking and doing not of this now > not of this tomorrow but always And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm...why don't you get one of the new MicroVaxWomen from DEC? These } are real live women who have a single-chip CMOS MicroVax implanted in } their bodies. They have two little plugs in their skulls: one is for a } power-supply input, the other is for a fiber-optic link to additional } external memory, a display, and hard disks. So the woman becomes the } chassis for a real Vax: she _is_ a Vax while still being a woman. } } Get your girlfriend to have herself converted into a MicroVaxWoman. } When she's down, she can brush her hair over the skull-plugs and nobody } will be able to tell that she's also a Vax. Marry her if she'll have } you. When you're in the mood for computing or sex with an up-and- } running Vax, have her plug the power and fiber-optic-bus connections } into her skull. Bring her up, then hack or hump away all you like. } } It's kind of dehumanizing, though, don't you think? --- 178-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do the English smell? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let us now turn to the Book of Things that Are Written, chapter 4, verse } 5:20.4.1/a, where it is Written: } } Lo! Yo! Ho! It is Written in the Book of Things that Are Written that } the English do Smell. And Behold! For this is verily the truth! When } thou goest to England, yea, and even to Scotland and Wales, thou shalt } discover this to be none other than the veritable Truth. And how could } it not be True, for indeed it is Written! Yea, for though the Nasty } would seek to deny it, and though the Geeks would scoff and fleer, yet } it is still true: and none may truthfully say it otherwise, for such is } the nature of trueness and truthfullness, and truly it is Written in the } Book of Things that Are Written that all that is Written in the Book of } Things that Are Written is right and true and just and just a wee bit } repetitive. For behold! Are not the words there upon the page? Is not } the page before thee? Is not the light good enough? Are not thy } glasses clean, or if they be not clean, not so dirty as to prevent all } vision? Seest thou not the letters of the Book Of Things That Are } Written in front of thee, even as the buzzard seest the decaying animal, } and even as the shephard seest the flying saucer? For indeed the } British do smell, aye, even when they have been out of Britain for } thrice the lifetime of a turnip, aye, even then still do they smell. } For it is Written in the Book that the British do smell, and what is } Written in the Book is true. } } Well, a bloody lot of help that was. The British smell because they use } perfume, which is a concept taken from the French style brought over } with William the Conqueror. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Chanel No. i.