From kinzler Wed Aug 15 11:33:16 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 15 Aug 90 11:30:21 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #190 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 190 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #190 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 15 Aug 90 11:30:21 -0500 @@@ Back issues of the Usenet Oracularities are now available via e-mail @@@ requests. See below. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 185 10 votes 01342 02224 13240 34300 15121 15220 14410 10531 12412 36100 185 2.8 mean 3.7 3.8 2.9 2.0 2.7 2.5 2.5 3.3 3.1 1.8 --- 190-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What the fuck are all those numbers on my driver's license for? > > Harold Finsterwokker MW 583-24-6992265 > tv ss92888921 5/c/5 000 3#/b++ c- ds+ dm- v++ w- t+ l+ > ku99 589433-883 f58RR985 933L/42W dx55 s&m0 wd40 > 99291 f=5593 330001 54/33,00.1 533E9978993004200100400231 > 48 > > Thankkewverrimuch And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Man and Woman, social-sec. # plus three useless digits } Transvetite, S.S.(Nazi)number, pentagonality, null, three pounds over b } and increment b, grade in Miss Ellsworth's social studies class, } likes sadism, dislikes masochism, increment v, no wife, likes } tits, likes licking things } likes being kootchi-kooed very much, serial number of penis, favorite } airplane&least favorite president of the US&last three digits of } year of first lay, inside trouser leg/jacket size, distance to } mother's house, claims not to like S&M, likes lubricated sex, } random number to annoy you, variable initialization for f, number of } times you would like to have sex before you die, IQ/waist size in } inches, fraction of sexual encounters that are homosexual, a very } large number } age } } My, what a lot of work. Didn't realize how much your license revels, } eh? --- 190-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why doth the busy little troll > Drink all the shining sea? > Why doth the little busy troll, > Now void it all as pee?" " And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The busy little troll it does, } Drink the shining sea, } The busy little troll it does, } This quite happily! } } It does it because of its thirst, } Which truly has no bounds, } It does so 'cause it likes to hear, } That wondrous slurping sound. } } The little troll, for unknown cause, } Has voided that great sea, } The little troll, delusion-raught, } Sees it all yellow-y. } } Its bladder full, the little one, } Does perch upon the shore, } And urinates into the sand, } To make the sea once more. } } You owe the Oracle some applause, specifically in bright burgandy. --- 190-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Owe grate and mistikal Orikel, whose mind is mutch smarter than mine, > whose very sharp witt maaks mi jellus, anser four mi this simpel > qweschon: > > Wenn Eye was in Hi Skool, Eye nevr did that wel in the yearlie speling > be. Eye seam to half improvd sum, but my speling is stil bad. Can ewe > give mi typs on howe to improv my speling? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll read what you meant and not what you said. When you were a lad, } you were dropped on your head, then forced to eat truffles all poisoned } with lead. Now you're grown and you're wed, but your sex-life is dead. } I can see that you're angry and your face is all red, 'cause your wife } and her lover are off at Club Med. I think it's a bit odd to do } spelling instead of finding another to warm up your bed. --- 190-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This space was intentionally left blank. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, good. Then I can fill it up with stuff. Let me talk to you about } concrete. I love concrete. I like spreading it on my bidy and letting } it set and then chipping it off with a rubber mallet. I also like } stroking slabs of concrete, sleeping on a concrete bed with a concrete } pillow, and making love to a concrete statue of a woman. One thing you } can say about concrete, it's not abstract! Ha, ha, a bit of humor } there. Get it? Concrete, not abstract! My, I'm funny today. Anyway, } I own a cement mixer and I like pouring huge amounts of concrete into } molds for fun. It's also fun to go to people's houses at night when } they are away, and knock a hole in a window and pour a whole lot of } concrete into their houses. I do it all the time, and if you tell the } police on me I'll embed you in concrete and send you to sleep with the } fishies, you betcha. I started small, with Sakrete, but Sakrete is so } expensive and it doesn't really do a good job. And then there's the } aggregate. I think that people use slightly too much aggregate in } concrete, yes I do. And the Berlin Wall is really bad concrete, and I'm } glad that they're taking it down. And Eastern European concrete is } really lousy, so maybe if those countries become free there will be good } concrete there. What I hate about the Midwest is the aggregate. } Personally I like rough, sharp aggregate, like crushed granite, but the } aggregate here is all glacial gravel which has all kinds of dreck in it. } I ought to meve out West in the Rockies somewhere where the concrete has } the right sort of aggregate in it. --- 190-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should the government suspend its new policy of turning drug trafficers > into pigs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This really is top secret, but since you asked.... } } Drug traffickers are all pigs to begin with. The entire world-wide } drug-smuggling cartel is run from a tiny pig farm in northern Kansas } by a large, 2500 lb. boar named "Wilbur." } } "The Colombians? Hah! They're a complete crock," grunts Wilbur as } he wallows in his slop trough. "I sell their butts as ham in Bogata } supermarkets! You gotta admit, it's a great cover! Medellin is a } LONG way from Salina! While all the federal agents are out prowling } the Mexican border and the Florida Strait, my network of porkers makes } sure that the average American HIgh School student can afford to buy a } an ounce of pot on a week's allowance!" } } "Terriffic! Terriffic! Terriffic," honks one of Wilbur's many } partners in crime. "The pay is great! Is great! Is great! I'm } sending my children to Harvard! To Harvard! To Harvard!" } } Wilbur's network is wide, indeed! You can hear his name mentioned in } the opium dens of the far east as well as the trendy parties of the } Malibu surfing scene. Everything is run by Wilbur, his } scum-sucking assistant Templeton, and the mysterious Charlotte, } described only as "a local widow." } } As you can see, if this news ever got out, there could be a real } economic crisis. People would boycott pork, thereby putting millions } of innocent pigs out of work, and farmers would be bankrupted by } plummeting pork-belly futures. Worst of all, mobs of self-righteous } pig-haters would severely beat and/or lynch innocent porkers in the } streets. } } The government, therefore, has told the public that drug traffickers } are being TURNED INTO pigs. This way, the pigs are sent to prison } instead of being butchered, thereby supporting pork prices. All in } all, a good deal. So to answer your question, NO, the government } should keep (allegedly) turning drug traffickers into pigs. } } You owe The Oracle 120 racks of barbecued pork ribs with extra sauce, } and a spider's web that spells out "LISA" in the morning dew. --- 190-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's this unconscious man doing on my home directory? Should I call > 911? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm...looks like a zombie to me. Try kill -9, that should finish him } off, and his kids too. } } Then I'll call 911. --- 190-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you Imperialist Swine! This is Saddam! You told me to go > ahead and invade Kuwait! "Nobody will care," you said! "Just think > of all that extra oil," you said! Well, NOW look at the mess I'm in! > The entire world is comparing me to Hitler! (Not that Hitler didn't > have the right idea, of course.) Worse, The U.S. is comparing me to > that worm food Khomeini! (GAG!) If this keeps up, we'll all be > living on goat-meat, goat-milk, and goat-cheese! And DROWNING in all > that extra oil! You advised me to get into this, now GET ME OUT, with > my mind, body, AND country intact! Allah be praised! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Saddam, old boy, why not quit it all? There's a company in } Switzerland that'll spirit you out of Iraq and set you up running a } middle-eastern grocery in sunny San Jose'. How about it? Only $300,000 } from your Swiss bank account. --- 190-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Um, I sorta forgot to answer that question you sent me last week, and > now whenever I try to send mail to anyone but you my system's mailer > demon sends me obscene gif files and error messages claiming that while > the recipient is OK, the sender is "non-mail-worthy". Any Suggestions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I'll tell you this time. } } Your mailer daemon is no more; in its place is an Oracular Mailer Imp. } Needless to say, its nuisances are Only the Beginning -- a perusal of } past Oracularies & maybe some H.P. Lovecraft should give you an idea } of the horrors to come. That MAY come, I should say, since the } heinous imp can in fact be exorcised. Here's how: } } 1. Collect all computing equipment within one thousand yards of your } site (VAXen, ps2's, cash registers, etc.). } } 2. Burn it. } } 3. Immerse the ashes in holy water. } } 4. Locate a qualified exorcist (must be an ordained bishop AND a } certified DEC rep). } } 5. Have exorcist consecrate your site by chanting "hecabe } nostra mortum -9 impi oracula" five thousand times while spinning } wildly like a dervish (the closest a mortal can come to facing me). } } } Wasn't that easy? Now, cut out the "forgetting"! --- 190-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gracious Oracle who studiously avoids the eating of pork rinds, I am > from Iran. Now that Iran and the U.S.A. are perhaps making amends > soon (what with the "Iraq thing"), would it still offend people for me > to carry my "Death to Carter, Death to the Shah" tote bag in the > streets of Denver? I feel maybe it has "nostalgia value" now, and it > really is a superior tote bag which I hate to leave gathering dust in > the closet. I turn to you, Oracle, having heard tell of your > remarkable insight into those dark, tricky places where fashion and > politics meet. Any advice of yours would be most sincerely > appreciated. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most people in the U. S. would now agree with "Death to Carter." The } consensus is that he was, as President, a well-meaning fool, and, as an } ex-President, a well-meaning fool and pontificating general nuisance and } pain in the ass. So only the Carter loyalists (pretty rare critters) } will give a damn about "Death to Carter." } } As for "Death to the Shah": he's dead, anyhow. Besides, most Americans } are so ignorant that they have no idea who the Shah was or what the } title means, or that there was a Shah of Iran. Yes, Americans are } really that stupid. } } So tell people, if they comment about your handbag, that it's the name } of an obscure rock group. Many of them will claim to have heard it in } concert, or even to own CD re-releases of their greatest hits! You'll } see: Americans are horribly ignorant, but don't want anybody to think } so. --- 190-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty Usenet Oracle, answer me this: > Does anyone actually find "Designing Women" funny? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Die Zigning Vomen? Ach! Ja, das ist ein gut Schow. So funny, mitt all } ze women (who be deaf) gettingkt in all sorts uff trouble because people } dink dey are makingkt obscene gestures. Ha Ha Ha! Naturlich! Almost } as good as dat schow wid de puddingkt pop man, vhat ist his name, Kosby! } Ya! Ze Vilhelm Kosby Schow! } } You owe ze Oracle some Sauerkraut undt a kopy uff "Fernseher Guiden." } Der Oracle habt gespoken.