From kinzler Wed Oct 3 16:26:39 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 3 Oct 90 16:10:57 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #201 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 201 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #201 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 3 Oct 90 16:10:57 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 196 10 votes 34111 30331 32212 13123 14320 03142 13231 23410 61300 42022 196 2.7 mean 2.3 2.9 2.7 3.3 2.6 3.5 3.0 2.4 1.7 2.6 --- 201-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle, I've been blessed with a vision. Please, oh great > one, assist me in deriving its meaning. It went something like this: > > -----Start of VISION---------------------------------------------------- > > [The scene: dense tropical jungle, rich in green flourish and the > distant echoing cries of the wild. Enter curly, wading through the > foliage carrying an exotic looking wand.] > > CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo. Hey moe, hey larry! I'm so > aggravated! Hmmmmmmmmmmm! > > [Enter moe] > > MOE: Hey knucklehead, I'm over here! > > CURLY: Hey moe! Woo woo woo woo woo! > > [As curly stumbles into moe, the exotic looking wand hits moe in the > head. Moe turns into a salamander.] > > CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo! Hey moe, where'd you go? > Look! A fish! Chow time! Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk! > > [With that, curly stuffs a napkin down his shirt and prepares to feast > on the salamander. As curly tries to stab it with his fork, moe is > able to elude him by flopping around] > > CURLY: Hmmmmmmmmmm! > > [curly cries out and slaps himself with the palm of his hand as he keeps > trying to stab the salamander] > > [The lips of the salamander flap] > > MOE: Stop that you knucklehead! > > CURLY: Hey moe! It's you! > > [The scene freezes and fades to black] > > -----End of VISION------------------------------------------------------ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Disturbing. The exotic looking wand you mention is obviously } indicative of a deep urge to travel to South America and become a } refrigerator salesman. The first character's obvious frustration, and } his violent inclinations toward his companion, seem to imply that you } are suppressing your inner feelings to the extent that others suffer } from your internal tension. Don't be surprised if some member of your } family expresses the desire to mangle various parts of your anatomy } with a kitchen appliance sometime in the near future. } } On top of that, both characters seem to have the curious habit of } announcing their own names, loudly, before uttering the slightest } sound, which can only mean that your multiple personality disorder is } becoming more pronounced, and you wish to inflict your delusions on } the Oracle and the Usenet community. However, the concluding } exclamation, "It's you!", suggests that there is yet hope for your } sanity. } } The curious and demonic chant, "Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!", suggests that } you being influenced by fluctuations in the earth's magnetic field. } Avoid eating paper clips for the time being - they may aggravate the } problem. --- 201-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I know of the following net.figures - who are the rest? > > Lisa Net.sex.goddess, our queen > Barbara Net.suppleness.goddess > Regnery Net.lust.sick.cave.newt > Net.sex.god > Net.sex.dreamer.god > Net.horny.geek > Oracle's 3rd cousin on his brother's side > Mary Ellen Net.sex.divine.goddess > Net.wallflower.goddess > Mary Agnes Net.virginity.goddess > Sister of Mary Ellen > Bucky Net.annoying.figure, > Net.gnawing.down.trees.goddess > Net.rodeoclown.god > Hemen Net.hypersemen.god > Megan Net.plaid.lady > Miles Net.friction.god > Harry Net.bad.pun.god > Biff Net.strange.sex.god > Brian Net.frog.swallower > Eric Net.nasty.person > Hank Net.stupid.twit > Barlighu Net.strange.name.person > Bruce Net.small.hockey.player > Judy Net.weight.goddess > Biff Net.inane.god > Morley Net.death.god > Ronald Net.senility.god > Danny-O Net.stupid.god > Zonos Net.star.trek.god > Eleanor Net.math.goddess > Marie Net.francais.goddess > Paul Net.catholic.god (doesn't like to be called it though) > Vanessa Net.smile.goddess > Sam Net.embarrasment.god > Boogers Net.plastics.god > Diane Net.levitation.goddess > Ginger Net.space.case.goddess > Jill Net.inconstancy.goddess > John Net.hat.god > Erika Net.peppermill.goddess > Elmer Net.harelip.god > Bill Net.wood.burning.stove.god > Fiber Net.system.call.god > Frodo Net.ring.god > Biffy Net.belly.button.lint.god > Jocko Net.resume.god > Wouter Net.super.personality.person > Craig Net.always.working.god > James Net.cricket.maniac > Angus Net.magic.mushroom.user > Debbie Net.rowing.cox.goddess > Ben Net.harmonica.player > Jamie Net.stupid.long.hair.god > Nigel Net.don't.know.anything.about.geology.god > Ian Net.twat.from.castle.person > Caroline Net.impossible.to.get.goddess > Lena Net.lingerie.goddess. > Rhiannon Q. Net.reasonably-cute.mortal > Net.backbend.goddess > Dick Net.penis.god > The Oracle Net.omniscient.terrific.superdeity And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have forgotten such personalities as: } } Roberta Net.sex.chandelier } Howard Net.door.to.door.salesman } Butch Net.pro.wrestler } Bart Net.cartoons.stupidity } Dave Net.animal.trainer } Virgil Net.calculus.genius.nerd } Edward Net.perfection.total } Martha Net.french.bikini.goddess } Vanna Net.letter.turner.slut } Hugo Net.bouncer.god } Clyde Net.stupid.name.god } Kimberly Net.prude.goddess } } and last but not least, } } Laura Net.sex.appliance.kitchen } } but when she gets out the eggbeaters, the rest of us just turn our } heads in embarassment. } } You owe the Oracle a brand new set of eggbeaters, for me alone to use. --- 201-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck > could chuck wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This has got to be the one hundredth time I have answered this time- } worn, moth eaten, idiotic question.... } Where's the substance? } Where's the originality? } Where's the obligatory flattery? } WHERE'S JIMMY HOFFA, AND HOW IS HE DOING THESE DAYS??? } } (pause) } } Oh , alright.... If you insist, the answer to the woodchuck's quandery } is solved through this easy to use mathematical formula } Where Ws is the size of the woodchuck } Wm is the mass of the woodchuck } Wd is the density of the wood } X1 is the official symbol for the secret ingredient in CocaCola } Wts is the size of the Woodchucks teeth } Wv is the metabolic rate of the woodchuck } Woe is me } Wc is the amount of wood chucked } Qi is the intelligence Quotient of the Questioner } } wc = Wd --- _______________ --- } ___ * | / Wv-Wm * .51 - Woe+Wc | } Wts | \/ ----------- | } | Wts[*1(|Woe|)] | } --- --- } _____________________________________________ } _______ } X1 \/ Qi } } Now... solve the equation, and you will have your answer. Obviously, } since the answer will vary depending on the specifications of the } woodchuck in question, you will have varying answers... } Of course you COULD make it easier by using AVERAGE values.... } ie AVERAGE weight of the AVERAGE woodchuck. } But that would take the fun out of it... I think that you should } dedicate your life's work to finding the answer for EVERY woodchuck, } past present and future. } You owe the Oracle a copy of "I'm really not sure who I am" By } Heisenberg, and the live recording of "A Farewell to Arms", by the } Amputees (TM). Stay tuned NEXT week, Oracle fans when we disect the age } old question of "How much monks could a chipmunk chip if a chip munk } could chip munks?" And "Why doesn't Robin Leech do a show called } _Lifestyles of the Poor and Unknown_?" } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Hint for solving equation: } Since Qi is always going to be less than zero, you will have to use } imaginary numbers.... Of course, if you're going to do that you might } as well use IMAGINARY woodchucks.... --- 201-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh wiseist of the wise........ > oh smartest of the smart...... > oh cuteest of the cute........ > > will i get lucky at the party i am going to this weekend ??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You will get very lucky. When the '58 chevy that you are driving } decides to explode, it will only blow off your leg rather than killing } you. The gentleman named Luigi parked in the car next to you will blame } you for the accident, but due to a particularly mellow mood he will } merely make you kiss his boots and pay for a new Mercedes with } unscratched paint rather than blowing off your head himself (or even } your other leg). Then you will be taken to the hospital in an } ambulance. } } You will never arrive. A gigantic condor will pick up the ambulance, } and pluck everyone else out through the windows with its huge beak. You } will escape due to being tied to the stretcher. Bored, the condor will } drop the ambulance, and it will fall into the Sea of Shit. Luckily, the } fall will break your nose, and you will be unable to smell it. You will } be rescued by a passing sailor in a dunghy, and taken to the Wonderful } Land of Orz, where you will have many wonderful adventures. --- 201-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and superglue-sniffing Oracle, tell me: > > Why does a fierce green snake always bar the way? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why does a fierce green snake always bar the way? } } You've obviously been playing too many of those adventure games from } Infocom! } } The one to which you are referring, I believe, deals with computer } programming. Called "Wizard Simulator", it is about a huge } macrocomputer that starts to simulate the real world. Unfortunately, } the simulated world includes itself and thousands of people, including } you, who you must release somehow into the real world. } } Let me boot this program on my PC and see if I can help you... } } } } OUTSIDE YOUR CUBICLE You stand in a field of cubicles. As far as you } can see, there neat rows of offices with no tops and no privacy. Your } office is to the East. The restroom is to the West. A water cooler } stands here, complete with Dixie cups. } } > GO WEST. } } INSIDE YOUR CUBICLE } This cramped office holds a chair, personal workstation, and several } manuals. Outside your cubicle, your boss walks by. The workstation is } off. } } > TURN WORKSTATION ON. } } I do not know how to turn a workstation. } } > TURN ON WORKSTATION. } } Your sexual advances are ignored by the workstation. } } > PRESS START BUTTON ON WORKSTATION. } } I do not know the word 'button'. Your boss walks by your cubicle. } } > ON. } } What would you like to on? } } > WORKSTATION } } You are now on top of your workstation, crouching just under the low } ceiling. Up here, where you have never noticed before, is a small vent } leading upwards. } } > GO UP. } } A fierce green snake bars your way! } } > KILL SNAKE WITH MANUAL. } } You take the manual. You swat the snake with the manual, but it does } not seem to do any good. Your boss walks by your cubicle. "Hey you } idiot, what the hell are you doing?" Your boss takes out a cattle prod } and leans over to zap you!! } } * * * YOU HAVE DIED * * * } Score 0 out of a possible 355. } } Hmm. The Oracle is kind of stuck here, too. I suggest moving the water } cooler into your office and standing on it holding the workstation. } Your boss won't dare zap you when you are carrying such an expensive } piece of equipment. Instead, he will miss you and hit the snake. Good } luck! } } The Oracle suggests you try this in real life before risking your } character in the game. --- 201-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OhOraclesirmostwiseandallknowingtellme > IsthereaneedforpunctuationandcapitalsIdon'tthinksomyselfbutyounevercan > tellIsuppose And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My Dear Sir: } } Certainly, I suppose, one, if so inclined, could, conceivably, do } without; however, my lad, I, certainly, would oppose, not support, this } view. --- 201-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I dreamed last night that I was ice-skating over the frozen oil slick in > Prince William Sound with George Bush and Sadaam Hussein. Suddenly, > Mikhail Gorbachev showed up on a bicycle and said "Repent, Jesus is > teaching the world about renewable energy!" And George laughed and > pointed out the trick seal on the iceberg balancing the budget on its > nose. > > What does this mean, and does it have anything to do with the surtax on > home heating oil? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Vell, ze ice-skatink represents your vorries about impotence. Ze oil } slick iz a common dream image among repressed teenagers signifying their } fear of premature ejaculation, and frigidity. Prince William sound is } obviously an image of the female sexual organ and the desire to return - } zat iz, to come there as often as possible! George Bush iz Death - as } we all know - and Sadaam Hussein is an image of your mother. Mikhail } Gorbachev represents your subconscious sexual feelings towards your } family members especially your father and the bicycle he rides is a } symbol of mankind's vulnerability as shown by the reference to religion } which always means sexual problems of some kind. At this point in your } dream, Death laughs and points at your Penis (as represented by the } seal) as you attempt to balance the budget on it - budget is from the } french word for 'bag' which means testes which means that the 'budget' } represents your castration anxiety. None of this has anything to do } with the surtax on home heating oil, but it doez proof zat you are vone } sick puppie. } } Sigmund "ze oracle" Freud } } ps you owe me a new leather couch --- 201-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have found you out, you know! You aren't a computer, you're mein > Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler, greatest genius of all time and inspired leader of > the Aryan people! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Das ist eine ausgezeichnete Idee! Also, ich weiss nicht. } } Like many others, you have put two und two together. Hitler } disappeared mysteriously after World War II (some idiots say he killed } himself). Und der Usenet Oracle suddenly appeared some 40 years later. } To bridge the gap, some say the Oracle was really Ethel Merman } in-between. I've heard it all before. } ================== } HEADLINES August 7th, 1967 } } Paul Sont Clair et zee famous Jacques du Blacques uncover something } among secret papers hidden in an underground tomb. She is Hitler's } diary! The American upstart Jack Black has traced the handwriting and } text as authentic. Here is an excerpt. } } June 11, 1965: Dear Diary - Gee, what a night on stage. I sang my } heart out and finished up with the Star Spangled Banner. Always gets } 'em. Ethel, baby, you still got it. And to think, no one knows that } secretly I was Hitler and will become in more than twenty years the } Usenet Oracle! } } Jacques du Blacques was quoted as saying "Zees ees eet! Sacre bleu!" } } ================= } The vital clue you're missing, though, is that the Oracle (or Orrie) } is head of the Orrien people, not Aryan. Head of the Oracular beings. } Top banana. Head honcho. Master of ceremonies. You get the idea. Sorry! } } You owe the Oracle some post-Cold War humor. --- 201-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHY MAY I ASK DO YOU LIKE THE COLOR RED? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's so damn colorful! It matches my belly, and the color of the skin } of my face and teeth and gums when I think of you, dear, questionner. I } swoon, I dip, I decompress. I live fast and hard and yet never die. My } logical heart races when I see it at stoplights. I panic and must curb } my desire just as I curb my dog. The evidence of my excitement is in } the streets, everywhere! I have no ax to grind with the company pick, } nick! It's the prescription of love in the contacts in lovers' eyes } everywhere. Now that you've reminded me, I will quiver quietly all day. } } You owe the Oracle several Angstroms. I already have the angst. --- 201-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A friend of mine tells me that if brains were TNT, Dan Quayle > wouldn't have enough to blow his nose. I think this is extremely > unfair to our Vice President because, let's face it, C4 is VERY > powerful and it wouldn't take much to blow a nose. Surely the > VP has enough brain to do that, hasn't he? (Notice I haven't > asked if he has sense enough to come out of the rain.) > > I await the adjudication of the Oracle, all wise, knowing, > febrile, cyanotic, diaphoretic, and incontinent. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since the Oracle is out of town at the moment, we have } brought in a special project from the Artificial Stupidity } Lab to answer your question: } } SINCE THU ST00PID ORACLE LEFT TOWN, I WILL REPLY 4 HIM. COWABUNGA!!! } THIS IZ A HARD QUESSHUN, LET ME ASK MY HUGEMONGUS BROTHUR. } DANNY, IF BRAINS WUR C4, WOULD U HAV ENOUGH TO } BLOW YU"R NOSE? HE SAYS NO, HE WOULDN"T. HE ALSO } SAYS THAT C4 IZ A TYPE UV PLAYDOH. KOWABUNGA! THERE YOU } HAV IT. } } BIFF