From kinzler Sun Oct 28 19:54:07 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 28 Oct 90 18:56:04 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #212 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 212 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #212 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 28 Oct 90 18:56:04 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 207 10 votes 00451 03331 22330 12412 03520 11242 00235 10621 02602 12034 207 3.4 mean 3.7 3.2 2.7 3.1 2.9 3.5 4.3 3.2 3.2 3.7 --- 212-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's too late for me to become one of the great castrati singers, right? > Even if I get castrated now, my voice is already too deep, isn't it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By no means, aspiring Diva... er Divus? Whatever. No goal is beyond } he who is willing to make the necessary sacrifices, and by your question } you reveal a rather astonishing capacity for sacrifice. Most of the } great castrati needed the gentle but persistant advice of music loving } guardians to convince them to trade in their gonads for high C. } Still, the soundest policy is to test the waters before you dive } in blindfolded and backwards from a cliff, and such is my advice to } you, especially in light of rising oracular malpractice insurance } premiums. } To wit: what does a great castrati have that you don't? He has a } parent or guardian who was obviously more music loving than yours, } but that's really beyond the scope of our problem. He has a high, } sweet voice, purer than a female soprano's. That we can fix -- I } know a certain Charlie "The laughing Shark" Meuller, from oracular } excursions into scuba diving, who likes to add exotic gasses to } his oxygen tanks. The closed-minded would say he does it just for } laughs, but I know his heart, and he really wants to contribute } to the beauty of undersea life by turning divers interesting } colors. Go to Charlie and ask for some tanks of 80 percent Helium, } 20 percent Oxygen, and tell him the Oracle sent so he won't ad lib } too much. Breath this mixture while you sing, and your voice will } be as lovely as Alvin's. You'll have to sing around the mouthpiece, } but surely to one who would castrate themselves for the love of music } this is minor. } So let's see, what else do castrati have? They have elongated limbs } from hormonal imbalances in adolescence. No problem there -- Charlie } has a landlubbing brother, Grover, who likes to decorate the beach } with more interesting body shapes. A few weeks on his racks should have } you nicely stretched out. They have no facial or body hair, so you'll } have to go to an electrolisist and have your beard and underarm hair } removed (cold wax would be a woefully cowardly shortcut for one so } dedicated as yourself.) And they have no interest in sex. A vow of } celibacy would really be too much of a temptation for you to foreswear } yourself before the castration itself, so I suggest you wear jockey } shorts over your head and hang a sign around your neck which says "Sex } is for people who haven't discovered tapioca." If that doesn't } discourage people from wanting to have sex with you, greater gods than } me are at work and you should go for it. It would, of course, be } permissible to remove the jockey shorts during performances. } Do all these things for the span of a year, O seeker, and in that year } perform in towns and hamlets all over the world. (Don't worry, Charlie } ships tanks of gas UPS.) If at the end of the year, you still wish to be } a great castrati, come to me again and I will show you the way. } If you go through with it, my payment will be the revenues from your } first gold record, deposited discretely in a numbered Swiss account, } since the Oracle has no use for, ahem, mere money. If you decide, at } the end of the year, to give up your quest, just send me a picture of } you in your scuba gear and jockey shorts. If National Lampoon doesn't } take it, I'll hang it in the Den of the Oracular Cave. --- 212-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which hole is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The square one, you moron. How could you possibly } think that the square peg would fit in the round hole. } } If you don't know that, we definintely can't use you. } We, here at IBM, don't hire anybody who doesn't pass } the psych test... } } You owe the Oracle a set of ACME ink blots. --- 212-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There are several billion people on Earth. SHouldn't there be at least > one woman whom I could love and who would love me in return? How do I > meet her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear, oh, Dear. Being as all-knowing and omniscient as I am, perhaps I } should rephrase this question to reflect the true question on your mind. } Hmmmm, let's see, Okay, try this. } } > Oh, Great and wise and very understanding Oracle, there are several } > billion people on Earth. Shouldn't there be at least one woman whom } > I could love and who would love me in return who is about the same } > age as me, who is and/or could live in the same financial and } > social class as me, who my Mother would approve of and my father } > be lustfully jealous of, who would need me but still be openly } > independent, who would posses both an inner beauty and an outer } > glow, AND WOULDN'T MIND THAT I AM PURSUING THE LIFE OF AN } > ACADEMIC? } } The answer to this NO. This answer may seem to be very curt and } uncaring, but I believe you have been deceived by modern media. Allow } me to explain. I was recently at a rock concert by an Australian band } with a less knowledgable friend of mine. He commented to me that their } music was *very* political, and he suggested that music shouldn't be } about politics. I asked him what it SHOULD be about? Love? Needless to } say we both had a good laugh about it. This is why: 80% of all songs } written contain the word `love', 19% refer either to love or the lack of } it, and the remaining 1% deal with perversions of love (e.g. Suicidal } Tendencies "I seen your mommy and your mommy's dead"). This causes the } sundering masses to believe that `romantic' love is alive and kicking in } the 90's. Needless to say, I found the Godess of my dreams at the } aforementioned rock concert. Maybe this would be a good place for you } to start. } } Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing under } your current definition. The answer is that you should leave out the } phrase in capitals. There are several factors that incredibly cut the } number of available women upon the face of this earth. These are just a } few: } } First let's go through the logistical part, } } There are about 4 billion people in this world. 60% are women. } } Leaves: 2.4 billion } } A lot of them are married already } } Leaves: 1.5 billion } } Now let's get to the personal part, } } More men than women are in mathematice/computer science because women } are afraid of computers. This will scare off a small percent. } } A small percentage of them are lesbians, (you are a man aren't you?) } } Many are realists rather than romatics and they don't believe in love } either. } } And the killer, ALL WON'T PUT UP WITH A GRADUATE STUDENT WRITING HIS } THESIS OR A PROFESSOR PUBLISHING ARTICLES BECAUSE THEY SPEND TOO MUCH } WITH THEIR WORK AND NOT ENOUGH TIME WITH THEM, thus: unrequited love. } } Leaves: Zip } } You owe me 12 dog-eared pages out of your little black book. --- 212-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Oz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > Should I place the following advertisement in the campus > newspaper? > > "Wanted: attractive, intelligent young woman to > pretend to be my girlfriend. $20 an evening plus > free dinner and entertainment. You will not be > expected to perform sexual acts." > > I'm lonely and I want female company, and this seems the easiest way to > get it. I think that I'm presentable enough, but women flee from me as > from a monster or a deadly plague. Perhaps by hiring someone to play my > girlfriend, I could build up the confidence needed to attract women... > > Your sage advice, please... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What an absurd question. You are the kind of person who } would use a ninnate teleportation power to teleport across } the street to catch the bus to work. here you have the } infinite wisom and mental might of the oracle at your } disposal, and you're wasting your time on questions like } } > Should I place the following advertisement in the campus newspaper? } } when you _could_ have asked something like } } > Why do women flee from me as from a monster or a deadly } > plague and what can I do to dissuade them? } } which would have been just as easy for me to answer. Oh } well. It's your nickel. } } Yes. Place the ad. Here's why: } } 1. You will have an excuse to get out of the house. } Then you will do things and see things. Then you will have } something to talk about with real people. } } 2. You will get in the habit of talking to real } people, which is different from talking to machines. } Practice makes perfect. } } 3. Your employee will be perfectly willing to tell } you why it is that women flee from you as from a monster or } a deadly plague, and what to do about it, in great detail. } Of course, you could have had it from me, but, like I said, } it's your nickel. } } 4. Your employee will have other friends, } housemates, and acquaintances who you will meet. } } 5. Anyone peculiar enough to be intelligent and } attractive but still answer the ad will be just the kind of } person you would like to go out with anyway. Think: She is } intelligent and attractive, yet unattached and lonely enough } to answer a newspaper ad from a faceless person requesting } companionship--Just your type. You will get to know each } other, and eventually she will start going out with you for } free. } } Offhand, I'd say that $20 sounds about right. Any less and } your prospectives will be embarassed. Any more and your } wallet will be embarassed, since you evidently don't have } the kind of money it takes to attract women spontaneously. } } The oracle hath spoken. --- 212-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where in hell is my pocket protector? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Exactly. You'll see it soon enough. } } You owe the oracle atonement for your sins. --- 212-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise & venerable Oracle, I have a problem. I keep confusing gateaux and > chateaux. One is a type of building and the other a type of food, but I > can never remember which is which. I have eaten several of the > buildings (for convenience I will call them gateaux) to the very > foundations, only to realize too late that they are not supposed to be > edible, and that people resent having them eaten. Mobs of angry > Frenchmen keep trying to club me to death. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle first notes that it is indeed fortunate for you that you } did not confuse chateaux with chapeaux and try to place a villa upon } your head, thereby being crushed to death instantly. Count your } blessings. } } The Oracle recommends that you go to your local Halloween outfitter's } and purchase a rubber Jerry Lewis mask. Suddenly, French homeowners } will respond to the sight of you munching on their gutters not with } the violent derision it deserves, but with genetically pre-determined } fits of raucous laughter. They will pay you money, and may very well } let you eat gateaux (the Oracle has made a joke. You may chortle.), } thereby eventually clearing up your confusion. } } You owe the Oracle a CD copy of the song _Marie_Antoinette_ by Curved } Air and a quart of VO5. --- 212-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't dogs smile? They are getting the most out of life...a good > home, a free supply of dogfood or garbage from the table, free trees to > pee on...all provided by humans. Well, you'd think they could at least > grin at us humans. But no, all they can do is wag their tail and pant. > Their job all day is just to scare away strangers, you'd think they > could at smile at us humans for stooping to their every need. Damn! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... lessee here... } } oraclevax> send Lassie@kennel.fame.com } } >To: Lassie@kennel.fame.com } >Subj: Why don't dog's grin? } } >Why don't dogs grin towards humans? } > } >A swift response in appreciated, since there is an impatient mortal } >awaiting the answer. } >--Oracle } >^D } } Now let's see if... } message from kennel.fame.com!Lassie ... } >What's this grinning business? } } Oh, well, there's this mortal who want to know why dogs don't grin } towards humans. } } >Why would we want to grin? } } Well, they give you free food, } } >Have you tasted a Milk Bone[tm] lately? What else? } } Ummm... they give you free trees to pee on. } } >Humans don't give us trees, they were already there. We'll pee on any- } >thing we can get an excuse for, now if they'll let us pee on their } >brand new Giorgio Armani Patent Leather Shoes... } } [cough!] Ok, well how about humans tending to a dog's needs? Why don't } they smile at humans for that? } } >Because there are two obvious needs that a dog needs to attend to, } >first of all, there's the 'deed' that I don't think any human can claim } >to perform for their family dog, at least not completely. And second.. } } yes? } } >What do most humans complain about when their dogs sit in the corner, } >lean over and lick... } } OK OK OK, I think we get the message. } } >So you see, that's why dogs don't grin at humans. Until they do these } >things for us (along with MORE BEEF instead of those crummy biscuits), } >all they can expect from us is the stupid wagging of the tail, barking, } >and the occaisonal 'love hump' now and then. } } Ok, I'll send the message along. Bye. } } **End transmission from kennel.fame.com!Lassie } } Does that answer your question? } } You owe the Oracle a box of Milk Bones and a T-Bone Steak. --- 212-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the meaning of life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ######################################################################## } ORACLE TIME-WASTING QUESTION INTERCEPTOR V.6.666 } } The question you have asked: } } > What is the meaning of life? } } is one of the most often asked AND ANSWERED questions received by The } Oracle. To free The Oracle's time for more important and imaginitive } questions, this interceptor and archive program was created. } } The answer to your question is: } } } Sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. } } Wine, women|men, and song. } } Faster horses, younger women|men, older whiskey, more money. } } In the future, please refer to previous Oracularities before asking } common questions. } } Please use properly self-humbling terminology when addressing The } Oracle and phrasing your question. } } Thank you and have a nice day. } } You owe The Oracle: } } } Six kegs of Barrelhead Root Beer and 25 gallons of Baskin-Robbins } } French Vanilla Ice Cream } } ######################################################################## --- 212-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, oracle, please answer this plaguing question. > > Why are there no BLUE M&M's in any size bag of M&M's? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me tell you a story. } } Once, far back in the mists of time before M&Ms were still in beta } testing, scientists at M&M-Mars conducted extensive and painful tests to } determine What The Public Wanted, What The Public Didn't Want, and What } Would Cause A Popular Uprising. (Yes, M&M was already part of the name. } They asked the Oracle what the company name should be long before they } had any actual products) } } Anyway, one of the most interesting findings of these tests was that 10 } out of 10 times, laboratory rats fed blue M&Ms died almost immediately } if also hit on the head with a large mallet. Discouraged by these } results, Mars decided not to make blue M&Ms. They also decided to stop } the tests, because they were hurting potential sales. } } Nice story, isn't it? Unfortunately, it's a lie. The truth is, the } Oracle has been eating them all before they get into the bags. Too bad } you can't have any...they're much better than any of the other colors. --- 212-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > If someone says or writes "a friend of mine" in asking for > information of an intimate or embarrassing nature, does he/she ever > _really_ mean a friend rather than him/herself? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, quite often they're talking about Camilia and Trevor, the } net.embarrassed.goddess and net.shy.god. Camilia and Trevor are an } odd couple indeed, but get along well, probably because they don't } talk much. The problem is, that Camilia and Trevor are too } stand-offish to ask anybody much of anything, so they ask someone else } to go and ask a question for them (saying it's from someone else, of } course). As a result, Camilia and Trevor usually find out what they } want to know (except in that ugly incident with the Iraqi and the } yak), and everyone else is left confused and suspicious of who asks } the question. I mean, if someone asked YOU if tampons shrunk when you } dry them in the dryer, what would you think? } } You owe The Oracle a photo of Camilia and Trevor "in the act." } Infra-red film required.