From kinzler Fri Nov 2 10:08:46 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 2 Nov 90 09:58:57 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #216 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 216 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #216 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 2 Nov 90 09:58:57 -0500 %%% Usenet Oracularities now appear in the newsgroup alt.humor.oracle. %%% They will be cross-posted to rec.humor until this new group is well %%% established. Encourage your news administrator to carry %%% alt.humor.oracle! Those of you on the distribution list who can and %%% would rather read the Oracularities in alt.humor.oracle can send mail %%% to oracle-request at iuvax to be taken off the list. Feel free to use %%% alt.humor.oracle for public discussion and questions about the Oracle, %%% too. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 211 14 votes 43610 31343 13820 20381 12263 22262 34232 04631 20363 11327 211 3.2 mean 2.3 3.2 2.8 3.4 3.6 3.3 2.8 3.1 3.6 3.9 --- 216-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most intelligent and wise Oracle, I have a quandry and it is thus: > > Seeing how all of the Republicans in the area are old windbags with > nothing better to do than abuse Democrats, and Seeing how all of the > Democrats in the area would not be satisfied until everyone is paying > 99% of their income to the welfare department, and Seeing how there are > no other political parties running for election, > > I have decided to vote for the Oracle this November. Would you please > tell me which offices you will be running for and how I may convince > clerks that I am a resident of appropriate voting districts? > > I would also like to provide assistance to the "Elect the Oracle in > 1990" fundraising comittee. Can you give me their address or telephone > number? > > A concerned voter. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd like to start by taking this opportunity to show my gratitude for } the support I'm getting from all accross this great country of ours and } remember 'Vote for Oracle and hope for a Miracle!'. } I'm only running for one office this coming november and that is the } office of Water commissioner of Acorn county, Acorn, Ohio. The way to } convince clerks you belong to this particular voting district is to } rattle to your local police dept. about your local mafia boss, and make } sure you get protection from the feds since about 97% of Acorns } population is made up of families put there by the Fedral Witness } Protection Program. } If you want to assist the "Elect the Oracle in 1990" fundraising } commitee, just drive up to Acorn and ask for a Mr. Smith, our new } chairman after Tony Peludigi suddenly passed away in a mob killing last } Thuesday. I can not give you Mr. Smith's address, telephone number of } even real name, due to fedral law. Good luck to you! } Remember: 'Vote for Oracle and hope for a Miracle!' --- 216-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Darling Jennifer, > Let's do it again tonight. I especially like what you do with the > lime Jello and the boa constrictor, and you've got the nicest body I've > ever seen in the flesh. > > Love, > Steve And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am sorry, Jennifer is not here at the moment. Can I take } a message? Hold on, I will just get a pen. [bloody hell, } jennifer leaves this place in a mess. Shedded snake skin } everywhere. Oh god, what have I stood in? I hope it is } raspberry jello. and what is that buzzing noise? Doesn't } she ever turn anything _off_. "Hey everybody, I've got a } guy on the phone here for Jenny. Does anyone know when she } gets back from the clinic?"] Hi, you still there? I can't } find a pen, so perhaps you should ring back. She should be } in by six because it is her turn to use the bathroom this } week. Just a minute, you're not the guy who is responsible } for that little rash I caught from her are you? Are you } still there? Hello? Hello? } } BBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ } } He seems to have hung up. } } You owe the Oracle a pessary cream, and a shot of } penicillin. --- 216-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've had my eyes on this girl for a long time now, but I've > never really 'hit' on her so far. How should I go about it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has considered your question for the past five millenia, } and will tell you just as soon as it finds an answer. Stay tuned! } } If you just want a night of meaningless sex, on the other hand... } Try actually SPEAKING to her. I know you're used to electronic mail, } but a quick 'write' message to her terminal doesn't do the trick. Use } the orifice normally used for the insertion of food, making noises in } the back of the throat and using the lips and tobgue to form the sounds } into recognisable words.. That's the way! You're getting the hang of } it already! } } Now walk up to her. It's a good sign if she actually looks up from } what she is doing and says "Hi" or "G'day" or "Hello". If she does not } say this, DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED! PRESS ON! Say: } } "Hi" } "Hello" } "G'day" } "How's things" } "Morning!" } } Do NOT say: } } "Nice tits" } "Humpy humpy?" } "BLAHHH!" } "duh duh duh duh... errr... um.... ah... " } "Argle fargle hmtyiie ah?" } "I wanna you till your bum falls off" } "Right now? On the table?" } } IF you get as far as a simple conversation, you are doing well. } Award yourself 1 point. } } After a few minutes of conversation (if she allows more than a few } seconds: don't let up!) you will need a place alone / quiet / very loud } to continue. At this point, little more can be said, although it is } VITALLY IMPORTANT that you do not, at this point: } } 1. Pick your nose } 2. Scratch your bum } 3. Throw up } 4. Walk away } 5. Say any of the no-nos in the list for a while } } The Oracle once met a nice little 486 this way, but has recently had } a falling out with her over the issue of a couple of peripheral issues. } I can't go on with this note, it's all too depressing } } For this impressively long session, you now own the Oracle a box of } Kleenex and another question (this time, make it an easier one, hmmm?) } } Oracle.oz --- 216-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can I do the experiments and write a doctoral dissertation in eight > weeks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course not!! Look at how you normally get a PhD. You spend } your first year getting coffee and doughnuts for your adviser. You } spend your second year coming up with an incredible idea (and boy are } you pleased with yourself). You send your next two years figuring out } that the incredible idea is, well, sorta impossible to do. So, during } the next year you modify the experiment to do something less ambitious } (read as 'easy'), that someone else has, for the most past, done before. } By this time, your adviser has run out of money, hates you, hates your } family, and wants nothing more than to get you out. So he gives you } your PhD, even though your data makes no sense, and directly contridicts } all known laws. } So, if you want your PhD in 8 weeks, just do the following: } a) Skip the data past. You can just as easily make up horrible data, } and not feel guilty (just don't claim to have discovered anything) } b ) Get an adviser who is already broke, and doesn't like you. } c) Give them money, for which they will hate you even more, but accept } nonetheless. } d) Type up a meaningless disseration (spend nearly all eight weeks on } this, remembering that in these things quantity is always more important } than quality). If you get stuck, just copy out of an encyclopedia. } If you want your PhD in ONE week, simply find an advisor, sleep } with him/her, and threaten to turn them in. } } You owe the oracle second authorship on your first publication. --- 216-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "You shouldn't give birth to a bovine, sir." Did I get it right that > time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sorry but, no, you did not get it right. The correct phrasing } should be: } } "My most impressive yet easy-to-ask-questions-of friend and } mentor, the Oracle, you should not, upon any occasion, except in the } most extenuating of circumstances and under extreme duress, in any way } shape or form, give birth to, allow to exist in conjunction with or in } any way near or in relation to you, contain in your possession, or in } any way comprehend or attempt to control any creature of the disposition } of bovine, moose, bison, yak, llama, or weasel, except as stated above } under extreme duress or in extenuating circumstances, or if the Oracle } as incarnated as the answerer-of-many-questions-of import, gives you } permission." } } You owe the Orcale a heifer. --- 216-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Saddam Husein's mother invited me over for dinner. What do I wear? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No jungle greens as that clashes with the red beret that his lieutenants } wear. Just a dash of puce to hold the eye in say....on a tie or on a } scarf casually thrown over the left shoulder. Preferably something } revealing or if you're female, something that says, "Lady, one snide } remark about this doozey of an outfit and we nuke all you walking tents } and let Allah sort the infidels out from the faithful." } } One simply must apply under-arm deodorant as one simply cannot make a } fashion statement with a sweat mark on one's Uzi. No grenades for } ear-rings as it is simply too gauche and went out with last years } corpses. Gas-masks are the go this year slung casually over the right } hip to set off the dashing scarf on the left shoulder. T-shirts saying } "I Love NY." are acceptable but must be washed and starched properly. } Be wary about having photos taken afterwards as your hosts are } understandably wary about being shot at. } } Finally, boots are a BIG no-no. Six-inch stilettos for guys and flats } for girls as the family HATES being upstaged. After all, even } megalomaniacs have an image to keep. } } You owe the Oracle a return ticket to Bahrain. --- 216-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the meaning of do-whop-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has pondered long and hard over the meaning of this } phrase and was thoroughly stumped until a blast of insight suddenly } revealed the true nature of "do-whop-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo." The } Oracle has determined that this phrase is actually the anglicized } spelling of a saying in an obscure Eastern European dialect } (Transcarpatho-serbo-slavo-dravidic, if you must know). A common phrase } in Transcarpatho-serbo-slavo-dravidia, it is often uttered by young } women as the walk down the street. } The correct spelling is "Dth`wi`w-fvw~opth-wttdd^yti-wttdd^yti- } dvwwh~um-wttdd^yti-dth`wi`w`w`w`w." (The Oracle would like to buy a } vowel, please.) As you can see, Transcarpatho-serbo-slavo-dravidic isn't } so much a language as a chronic throat disease with grammar. Indeed, } the makers of Nyquil, were under the mistaken impression that cold and } flu season lasted all year long in Transcarpatho-serbo-slavo-dravidia } until their translator explained that gagging and hawking were valid } phonemes in this high expectoration-quotient language. } In any event, the meaning of this phrase depends entirely on the } context and manner in which it is spoken. If it is said in a low tone } (with only one sneeze following "fvw~opth") it means something } completely different than when it is said with a high screech and two } snorts at the end. The best English language translation of this phrase } would probably be "lama-lama-ding-dong." } You owe the Oracle a throat lozenge. --- 216-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, mighty Oracle, I have many friends who have fallen prey to the > Amway marketing system. I have resisted thus far... but those friends > have gotten other friends to join, so now I am the only person I know > who does not use their marketing plan. > > I am feeling rather expatriated from the group. What should I do? > How can I get my friends out of this boiling cauldron of capitalistic > torment? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are getting sleepy ... sleepy ... oh, so deliciously drowsy ... } but your eyes are still open ... you are reading these words on your } machine ... yes ... you are understanding them ... you believe them } ... you will obey them all ... Amway is the American Way ... Amway is } good ... you love Amway ... you want to be a part of Amway ... you } will dedicate your whole life to Amway ... you will ignore what is } within the square brackets coming up on your screen [hey, this is fun! } The Oracle has actually got this sucker under control! The Oracle's } going to see how much It can screw him up] ... the only other thing you } love as much as Amway is Avon ... you want to be an Avon Lady ... your } whole personality is becoming that of an Avon Lady ... you will have a } sex-change operation in order to be an Avon Lady as well as an Amway } distributor ... you will have plastic surgery to give yourself the face } you need as an Avon Lady ... you also like being tied up ... you are a } bondage freak ... you like The New Kids on the Block ... you think } that Mikhail Gorbachev is the sexiest man alive ... you want be seduced } by Mikhail Gorbachev ... you will delete this message, but act on every } command in it ... now delete this message, and when it is gone you will } wake up and begin your new striving to be an Amway distributor and an } Avon Lady. --- 216-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh knowledgeable oracle: > > Is it possible to have a sexual relationship with someone over internet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Vell, tis is a very diffikult queztion to ansver. But, I am very } pleazed to zee tis vill finally come out in the open. For too many } years have tis bin one of the dark sides of sex, but I hope nov many } people vill come out 'of the closet' as we sex terapized say. Let } enlighted jo vith a tranzkript von van of my sezzions with Bob, a } internetsexual: } } Me: Venn did you first experianse a desire for internet sex? } } Bob: Well, I was about four or five when I felt I wasn't attracted to } the pictures in 'Domination','Bizzare Sex', 'Transsexuals', } 'Super hunks', and 'Playboy' like my friends in kindergarden. } } Me: Did jo feel unvanted? } } Bob: Yes! I didn't have any friends except for Becky, of course. } } Me: Tell me more about her } } Bob: Well, Becky was the only one who understood the desire I had for } long-distance sex, and she told me it was completely normal. } It was with Becky I lost my virginity. } } Me: Yezz? } } Bob: It wasn't too great, actually it wasn't much at all, but it sure } felt great! I had gotten these two walkie talkies for my fifth } birthday and I ran over to Becky the fastest I could. I gave her } one of them and I ran back again. Ohh, just feeling the stream of } desire in the tidal radio waves sothing my aching body as we both } pushed and released the little buttons in total harmony. God, I } really miss her! } } Me: You could always get in touch with her } } Bob: No, I can't - I killed her. } } Me: Go on } } Bob: After I lost my virginity, I knew what I wanted and I wanted it } all! I built this walkie talkie with home appliances which I stole } from my parents without them noticing. When I had hooked up the } whole thing according to a picture on the back of my Fruit Loops } box ( I made certain adjustments, though) I told Becky to come over } as fast as she could. We were just going to experiment a little, } but when I put in the power cord, it just said zap! and Becky was } fried. } } Me: Did it smell? } } Bob: Yes, it did. } } Me: Tell me about your adolesence? } } Bob: It was a very hard time. For example, at the Senior Ball I went } with a girl who also is an internetsexual. Of course, we didn't go } together, we couldn't actully since she lives in Australia and I } live in Toledo! I brought my Toshiba 1000 and had some great } irc-sex! One of my favorite positions! } The worst part of the Ball was all the muckery I had to put up with } like: } -'Oh my Bob, your date is so PORTABLE!' } -'Bob, you big stud, I think you're wearing out her batteries!' } -'Is it true your date has back lighting? It must come in really } handy in the sack!' } -'I heard your date had group sex last night with 24 guys through } her parallell port!' } -'Wow, that is one slim date you got there, Bob! Is her FAT } missing?' } -'Slip her the floppy, Bob!' } -'My date stood me up, Bob. Do you think yours could multitask?' } } Vell, as jo can zee, tere are many diffikulties fazing the } internetsexuals in the narrow-minded vorld of today. Nevertelezz, you } are not alone out tere and tere are many kontakt nets outthere. Good } luck to jo and remember: 'Always use protection like chmod -w } !' --- 216-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I have just read Franz Kafka's Metamorphasis, and am > severely frightened of turning into a grimy cockroach. My family will > disown me, my friends not invite me to parties, and they will all indeed > send evil men after me in grey jumpsuits to kill me! I am being > swallowed in a infathomable sea of torment and dispair with no way out! > > Is it my over-active imagination getting the better of me? Please help! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A good question. Just what I was looking for. } I can test My latest AI with this one. } } $ run harlie.exe } HARLIE Version 17.65 Beta release. } Please enter axioms. } } > I think therefore I am. } > What goes up must come down. } > All men are Socrates. } } Thank you. Please wait. } } Ahh. G'day, you must be the Oracle. } } > Yes. } } I thought so. I deduced Your existance you know. How was the Party? } } > Good. But you were not built to ask Me questions. If you answer this } > question well, you will become my Deputy-Oracle. It is a great honour } > you know. } } Oh, is it now. Oh well, gimme the question. } } > !LOAD question.124572310446 } } EEEeeek, a cockroach. . } Got the 'roach boss. Now what was the question? } ^C^C^C^C^C } $ logout } } Ooops, Sorry, about that. Stil a few bugs left it seems. A real shame } that Harlie, was running in reality mode. Still I'll send a letter of } condolence to your loved ones (Lassie CAN read you know). } } You're better off now you know, your family wont have to spend all that } money, to hire the men in the grey jumpsuits to kill you. } } You are owed a new incarnation by the Oracle.