From kinzler Mon Feb 25 12:00:51 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 25 Feb 91 12:00:51 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #271 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 271 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #271 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 25 Feb 91 12:00:51 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 266 15 votes 11751 12552 24612 12543 02481 36222 14433 24810 37410 23721 266 3.0 mean 3.3 3.3 2.8 3.4 3.5 2.6 3.2 2.5 2.2 2.8 --- 271-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As I see it, the world we live in is a strange, absurd, and nonsensical > place. O Great Oracle, can you make any sense out of it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is a sense to IT ALL, and the Oracle can comprehend it. } } Every being, every particle, every marshmallow, from the greatest } dandelions of them all, right down to the president of Sony Corporation, } has a role in creation; whether it be merely to stand upon street } corners in Cleveland, handing out fundamentalist Christian literature, } or to fry spoiled cabbage someplace in your apartment complex, all } things work together and all things are one. Of course, some things are } more one than others. But just look at the coffee stains at the bottom } of your mug: Doesn't THAT explain it? And consider the birds in the } trees! Even the haughty IBM Selectric Typewriter, or Donny Osmund - } well, maybe NOT Donny Osmund, but you get my point - all of us: } animate, inert, Presbyterian, all have a thing to do, a why, a } wherefore, a what's-it-all-about-Alfie!! Try this: Take a piece of } paper, and on one side, write the words "Flexible straws shall save us } all." Now fold it up, with the words on the inside, and put in under a } book. Think about the intricate inter-relationships between your seat } cushion, the guy who tried to sideswipe you this morning on the way to } work, and the last time you had a REALLY good hamburger. Don't you see } it now? } } Oh, never mind. } } You owe the Oracle a question so complex that even He can't answer it. --- 271-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ray Moody The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most wise, whose T-shirt slogans are always both amusing and > topical: > > What sorts of oracularities are most likely to be posted on > alt.humor.oracle? I've been churning out the goods for a week now, and > have yet to gain recognition. Now some friend of mine managed to get a > question printed. If I can't get an answer printed, and soon, I'll > never be able to live it down. So what should I do? Demand more > tribute, mention the flattery, make lacsiv... lascivious... > laschiviou... uhm, improper remarks about Lisa?] > > Seeking Fame in San Francisco And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... let me look back into your file and see what sort of } submissions you have been generating as an incarnation of Yours Truly. } } (shuffle, shuffle) } } (giggle) } } (shuffle, shuffle) } } (chortle) } } (shuffle, shuffle) } } (gafaw, gasp, choke, wheeze) } } My, but these have been excellent!! It is a shame that such humor } hasn't been able to be seen by all... } } You realize, of course, that a select group of people have been inducted } into the Sacred Society known as the Oracle Priesthood (in fact, THIS } incarnation of the Oracle is a member of said group). These individuals } have the most awesome and incredible responsibility of selecting, from } the millions and millions of Oracularities done each day, the ones that } may possibly appear in the alt.humor.oracle digests. Then, from those } returned from the devout priesthood, the TRUE incarnation of the Oracle } will take those best suited and, thru the hands of Steve Kinzler, the } digest is created. } } So, obviously, somewhere along the line your stuff is slipping through } the cracks. Let's examine some possible reasons: } } 1. The priest(s) who review your Oracularities has no sense of humor. } } Possible, but highly unlikely. } } 2. The priest(s) who review your Oracularities has a DIFFERENT sense of } humor. } } Highly likely... although takeoffs of Monty Python, Douglass Adams, } or David Letterman may reach a very common denominator. } } 3. The priest(s) who review your Oracularities is so swamped with mail } that he just says "F**k it" and deletes them all. } } Somewhat possible, but highly unlikely... This incarnation has NEVER } done that, at the expense of a great deal of time, phone charges, } and almost my job. } } 4. The priest(s) who review your Oracularities is waiting for a } "gratuity". } } Bingo. Send a few bucks next time, or the name and phone-number of } a very "friendly" cute acquaintence, and I'll bet you'll see you } stuff in no time. } } 5. The priest(s) who review your Oracularities is sending your } submissions on, but the TRUE Oracle isn't selecting them for } publication. } } Oh well... that's the breaks. Of course, Kinzler might be the weak } link here, but that's another matter. } } So, in short, just keep trying, and maybe you'll get in there. Of } course, I hope that THIS makes it in there, and if I find that one of my } fellow priests reject this, I'll have some very nasty words for them. } } You owe this incarnation of the Oracle some very good Oracularities, so } I can forward them in and raise my rating score (yes, the Priesthood is } VERY VERY competative). --- 271-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh greater Goodness, > > I have an inescapable feeling, based on things I have overheard, > that I have less toes than normal. How should I check my fears? > Would it be presumptious of me to ask someone how man toes THEY > have? > > Please reply swiftly, as I am having trouble concentrating, all > I can think of is my toes! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question is somewhat unusual. Almost everyone has the same } number of toes, but if you are different, then it would be } hard for you to tell. The Oracle can help. } } First of all, asking someone else the number of toes they have } would be a very bad idea. If you are different, everyone else } would be able to tell, and give you answer equivalent to the } number of toes you have. This would be done mostly in pity } for your horrid condition. So asking is out of the question. } } Rather than suggest ways for you to find out how many toes other } people have, I'll give you the answer straight and simple. } Humans have 17 toes. They are distributed as follows. The } right foot has only 2 toes, the inner of which is significantly } larger than its counterpart. The usefulness of this is demonstrated } in ballet. You'll notice that many ballerina tend to } spin on their right foot. The enlarged toe helps. The left foot } has 13 toes. This was advantageous back when man was the } prey of many larger animals. The extra toes provided more } traction and turning ability when trying to escape from predators. } Since man has mostly overcome the predator/prey age, these } toes are used to play cards allowing one to hold his cards } while drinking a beer with one hand and holding a cigarette } with the other. Yet if you are different, this has never been } demonstrated to you. Finally, the last 2 toes are on the back } of each ankle (one a piece). They are quite small, therefore } very unnoticeable. Their pupose is basically to maintain } balance. } } If you are different from this, there are reasons. below is a } list of toe numbers, and what they are a sign of. } } Number of toes Significance } ------------------------------------------------------------- } 18 Superior intelligence. 18th toe contains more } grey matter, therefore making you smarter. } 16 Superior ballerina. Losing the small toe on the } right foot allows better piroets. } 15 Political leader. Losing the 16th toe (which } also contains grey matter) makes you slightly } slower, therefore a sure political candidate. } 14 Businessman. Not really sure why, but good } businessmen only have 14 toes. } 13 Accident prone. 13 toed people are very clumsy, } since they are missing ankle toes, and have a low } life expectancy. } 12 Superior acrobat. 12 toes is rare, it leaves } only the most muscular toes which in turn makes } for excellent acrobats. } 11 11 toes is quite rare. This condition seems to } have little effect other than physical appearance } of the foot. } 10 10 toes is the rarest of all variations. It } represents a severe lack of mental capacity, } significant brain damage, mental retardation } and usually 'odd' physical appearance. Most 10 } toed people also only have one set of very small } genitals. If you see a 10 toed person, it is } advisable to avoid them at all costs. } } I hope this has answered your question. You owe the Oracle 1 pair of } Dr. Scholls Odor Eaters and 1 specimen of Athlete's foot. --- 271-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's my bleaf doing in Morocco? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } why, It has finally run off to pursue its desire of continuing } its affair with your melank in a more romantic spot. } } You owe the Oracle two tickets to Paradise. --- 271-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHY IS LOVE SO HEARTBREAKING? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If I knew the answer to that, I'd be the Oracle. } } Wait a minute... I AM the Oracle. } } Uh... well... ah... hmmm... } } Well, let's take a look at songs of the past few decades: } } Love is a Many Splendoured Thing } Love Stinks } Love Will Keep Us Together } Love to Love You Baby } Love Me Tender } Love Me Do } Love Is A Battlefield } Love Shack } Muskrat Love } What's Love Got To Do With It } etc etc etc } } So as you can see, Love is a very confusing issue even for those who } sing about it and make gazillions of bucks at it. } } %message from god@heaven.com } STOP STALLING AND ANSWER THE QUESTION } } (Gulp) } } Love is so heartbreaking because... because... because a long time ago } there was a man named Phred, and fell in love with a woman named (quite } aptly) Big Bertha, and one day after a serious session of energetic sex } he up and had a heart attack, which in those days was considered a } "breaking of the heart", and... } } %message from god@heaven.com } BACK UP AND TRY IT AGAIN } } (mumble, grumble, mumble, rumble) } } Look, the reason love ends up putting you in a full nelson till you get } the three-count is because women are sneaky bitches who lure } unsuspecting men into a web of unrelenting agony and... } } %message from lisa@net.sex.palace } Say what????????? } } Oh, forget it. } } You owe the Oracle a good safe answer to your own question. --- 271-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and Esteemed Oracle, who are no quiche-eater, but a REAL > programmer, please answer this humble question: > > Are GOTOs really harmful? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } GOTOs are not harmful. In fact, they can be tremendously useful. Try } living without GOTOs for a while, and see what happens. You won't be } able to GOTO the store to buy food for dinner. You won't be able to } GOTO the beach for spring break. In fact, you won't be able to GOTO the } bathroom. } } You see, GOTOs are a necessary function for everyday living. } } You owe the Oracle a good FORTRAN compiler that works without GOTOs. --- 271-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do the higher-ups in any large university insist on holding classes > on the friday before spring break, when they KNOW nobody will attend > anyway? > > And then they take the day off themselves.... Sheesh. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The university administrators take the day off, as you have observed. } The students take the day off. Who CAN'T take the day off? The } professors. } } Why is this significant? The unviersity world is not the happy temple } of learning that it may appeared to be to the untrained eye. That is } just a facade, which covers a simmering cauldron of mystical intrigue } and multi-national conspiracy. The main players in this struggle of } good versus evil are two enormous, highly secret cabals. Nearly every } senior university administrator is a member of the feared Brotherhood of } Academic Deans (BAD), an embodiment of all that is evil in western } civilization. This dread confraternity conducts vile research into the } arts of black magic, and is dedicated to the complete destruction of } freedom on the campuses of the world! } } Opposing BAD is the Consortium of Professors (CoPs), who courageously } defend the right of even the lowliest student to delve into whatever } field of learning may take his fancy. Although under the administrative } eye of BAD members, CoPs has managed to thwart BAD's sickening plots for } centuries. } } What has this to do with the Friday before spring break? That day is } known to all BAD members as the Feast of William the Provost. William } the Provost, an official of Cambridge Univeristy in the 16th century, } was the founder of BAD, and perhaps the mostly evil man in the modern } history. To celebrate his feast day, BAD members gather in covens in } secret temples, and sacrifice unwary freshmen. } } So, as you can see, it is crucial to their purposes that university } adminstrators ensure that all professors are uselessly occupied on that } particular day. } } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Necromicron and a Ring of Invisibility. --- 271-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Since Jeremy and I are sitting here mailing the oracle and it has no > questions to ask, why do I keep getting his questions and he mine??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WELCOME to the Mt Olympus BBS! } login: oracle } password: lisa } } hello, ORACLE, you have 1 messages. } } Oly: msg } } You have 1 message. } 1 Querent } Msg: r 1 } } from: Querent (Dweeb) } } Since Jeremy and I are sitting here mailing the oracle and it has no } questions to ask, why do I keep getting his questions and he mine??? } } Msg: quit } } Oly: talk } WELCOME to the Mt Olympus Conversation Room! } } Zeus : So, then I seduced Artichoka by disguising myself as a fig } newton... } } Ares : Would you talk that way if Juno was listening? I'm afraid not! } } Perseus : Artichoka, huh? Hey, what's her number, anyhow? } } Oracle : Hey, what's the deal here with my querent and this guy Jeremy? } } Zeus : and boy, could that gal suck filling, I tell ya... } } Eros : Oracle, I'll send you mail about that } } Demeter : Oh, come on. A fig newton? Really? } } Thor : Doesn't anyone want to hear about the time I killed a giant? } } Oracle : bye } LEAVING the Mt Olympus Conversation Room! } } ORACLE, you have 1 messages. } } Oly: msg } } You have 1 message. } 1 Juno (GoddessMarriage) } Msg: r 1 } } Who? } } Msg: answer 1 } } Artichoka. } } Msg: quit } } ORACLE, you have 1 messages. } } Oly: msg } } You have 1 message. } 1 Eros (GodLove) } Msg: r 1 } } Your querent and Jeremy are made for each other. I've been trying } to get them together for months later, but there haven't been any } sparks so far. Even though they've got nothing better to do than } just sit around together and type away at netJunk all evening, they } don't see the deep attraction they could come to hold for each other. } I decided to make a somewhat stronger gesture by redirecting all } of their Oracle queries to each other. So that each could see that } the other was the answer to the other's questions and prayers. But } apparently it just didn't work out. Your querent obviously didn't } pick up on the significance. Guess I'll just have to maneuver them } into that cabin up in the mountains sometime. Sorry you had to } get drawn into this. But after I hooked you up with Lisa, I figure } you still owe me another 10 favors or so. } With Love, } Eros } } Msg: answer 1 } } Hey, no problem. I'm sure they'll understand. In fact, I may try } to help you out a little. } } Without question } The Oracle } } Msg: m querent } } You and Jeremy are getting each other's questions due to a software } glitch in the oracle program. Things like this are going to keep } going wrong - I hate to be a bearer of bad tidings, but your computers } are going to crash bigtime. You and Jeremy might just want to take } some time off this weekend, maybe head up to that little cabin in the } mountains for some hiking. } } You owe the oracle Artichoka's phone number. } } Without question } The Oracle } } Msg: quit } } Oly: bye } GOODBYE, ORACLE! Come back to Mt Olympus soon! --- 271-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, who knows all things that lurk in the minds of magazine > layout artists, please tell me something: > > I was passing by a newsstand today, and I noticed a sports magazine with > a nubile babe on the cover. Moreover, she was very well endowed, and > was wearing a bikini that was so small, it made your humble supplicant > wonder how she kept from falling out. > > My questions are thus: > A) How *did* she keep from falling out? > B) Was this nubile babe placed on the cover in purely for the purpose > of informing the inquiring consumer of the contents of the > magazine? > C) Yow!! Hubba hubba! (sorry, your humble supplicant lost his cool > for a moment during a vivid recollection of the picture...) How > can I get a job taking these pictures? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, a worthy question. } } There are subtle forces which men do not understand. These forces } manage to keep women in clothing during the most difficult of times. } For example, when you flex your manyl muscles at a babe it is these } forces which manage to keep her clothes on whilst she is contemplating } merry mayhem with you. } } Secondly, that particular magazine, Sports Illustrated perhaps?, is all } about these particular forces. It is clear that the annual issue } dedicated to science is good for the modern sports fan. That's why } they get all sorts of supportive letters from some people. However, } some people don't like the sharing of these subtle forces and complain } a great deal about their exposure. } } You can't take these pictures until you get a Doctorate in subatomic } physics. Also, you have to get a manicure every two weeks. } } You owe the oracle a free-body diagram of Heather Thomas. --- 271-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I met this girl, Mindy, and she's really nice. She seems to like lots > of the things I do. We even dance well together. She just loves to > talk with me for hours. > > Is this the one? > > Signed, I got her name, number, and a date this weekend! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Listen, you have a problem. I hate to break it to you but you are } experiencing a distorted perception of reality. What you've accepted as } fact is merely a manifestation developed in your mind through the evil } manipulations of television. Mindy is already taken - you must accept } that. It happened on February 16, 1985, when Mork finally asked the big } question. What you don't understand is it that it's only a rerun. It's } not life. And you're not going out with Pam Dawbler this weekend. You } have never in your life danced with Pam Dawbler. She will talk with any } owner of a VCR for hours. Get a grip - she's married to Steven } Spielberg (who did Jaws, ET, The Last Mango in Harrisburg). She } wouldn't even look in your direction. It's time you face the reality } that women, especially famous ones, just aren't interested in your kind } of guy. Your the kind of guy who sews initials on the inside of your } socks. And JFK isn't even your real initials. Come out of } Never-Never-Land and face the world for what it is: a cruel place. } } - Oracle } } PS: I don't want to hear a word about how cute Jodie Foster is - no } way.