From kinzler Fri Mar 1 09:54:38 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 1 Mar 91 09:54:38 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #272 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 272 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #272 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 1 Mar 91 09:54:38 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 267 15 votes 45600 14451 34404 01572 21543 06351 23730 33540 55230 12723 267 2.9 mean 2.1 3.1 2.9 3.7 3.3 3.1 2.7 2.7 2.2 3.3 --- 272-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@teer18.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Send me a character and you're in! We'll be playing on > the yalevm relay since play-by-mail would be too slow. Low level (1-3). > Questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I hope you don't mind if I use your message in the training of one of my } young usenet priests. } } *GONG* } } Usenet Oracle: Tell me, Grasshopper, What do you make of this message. } } Grasshopper: Master, the message is completely ambiguous. Let's get } some lunch. I'm buying. } } UO: Now, now, Grasshopper. Decipher the meaning. } } G: OUCH! Come on, Master. Why don't you answer these questions } yourself instead of pawning it off on the priests. } } UO: Grasshopper has a very big mouth in which he } likes to insert his very big foot! Now get to it! } } G: All right all right all right. (*Sigh*) Let's see. "Send me a } character" OK. Somebody probably wants you to send them an ASCII } character so they can test their new mail reader. Right? } } UO: Please continue. } } G: Can't we discuss this over a bowl of a rice and a Slurpie? } } UO: Appearantly you wish to make a career of playing } "Snatch the pebble from my hand", is that it? } } G: No, no. I'll finish it. Let's see. "Send me a character and you're } in!". Appearantly, "you're in" is a misspelling of "urine". "Send } me a character and urine!" That's disgusting. } } UO: Agreed. But what is your conclusion? } } G: The mailer being tested was created by the government, which won't } let anyone participate in a "mailer-test" without a urine specimin. } } UO: Continue. } } G: "We'll be playing on the yalevm relay..." Hmm. } } UO: Does this suggest something, Grasshopper? } } G: EBCDIC instead of ASCII? } } UO: (*Sigh*) Keep reading. } } G: "...since play by mail would be to slow." Oh. Now I } remember. "Play by Mail" was a system set up by IBM so that } playwrights, book publishers, and government copywriters could } e-mail transcripts back and forth. The whole project never really } got off the ground though, did it? } } UO: No, most playwrights use Macs for their transcripts. Very few have } VM machines. IBM should have known better. But keep going. } } G: Can't we take a break? } } UO: Perhaps instead of "snatch the pebble" we can play "pull my finger". } } G: Where was I! Ah! "Low level (1-3)" I don't get it. } } UO: Must I explain everything? Even the painfully obvious? } } G: You could try. } } UO: OK. Run the word "level" through your 9-bit ASCII to } EBCDIC decoder, XORing the first and forth characters with a running } checksum and running the whole thing through the Yale E-mail Simple } Mailing Algorithm Namer (Y.E.S.M.A.N.). } } G: "pR" ? } } UO: Try again. } } G: Uhm. "T_UsZ"? } } UO: Good. } } G: Good? } } UO: So the message now reads? } } G: Uhm.. "Low T_UsZ (1-3)"? } } UO: Think about it. } } G: Lotus 1-2-3? } } UO: A prodigy. } } G: That was the most totally awesome thing I have ever seen in my } humble, miserable, dare I say, smelly life. You truly are the most } wise, wonderful, and totally awesome Oracle, whose shadow I am not } worthy enough to kiss. } } UO: Yes, I know. Questions? } } G: Yeah, what does Lotus... Wait a minute. After each lesson, you } always say "Questions?". } } UO: Yes. } } G: And the above message ended with "Questions?". } } UO: Most assuredly. Questions? } } G: Am I being made a fool of? } } UO: Pull my finger and I'll tell you. } } [End of Play-By-Mail session. Transcript saved in ORACLE TSCRIPT A1] } } You owe the Oracle two bowls of rice, easy on the Soy sauce. --- 272-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow... I have gotten a LOT of love related questions lately... this } must be some sort of epidemic going on. } } The nature of love has been questioned for years by poets, artists, } musicians, defense attorneys, and college students. Poets often put } love in flowing prose, artists in brilliant colors, musicians as hymns } of praise, defense attorneys as consenting practices between adults, and } college students as "Hey dude... you should have seen the one I bagged } yesterday... awesome!" So the nature of love is, obviously, a matter of } reference. } } To the Oracle, who has a rather LARGE frame of reference from which to } draw, love is a beautiful flower, which smells really bad. No, wait, } that was Mr. Spock who said that. Scratch that. Love is a many } splendoured thing that... no, that's a song title. Hmmm... } } Have you ever known somebody who, when you think about them, brings a } smile to your face even though the rest of the day has sucked canal } water? Is there somebody that you can call just to talk, when you need } someone to listen, when you feel there is nobody else around? Better } yet, is there someone that feels they can call YOU under the same } circumstances?? Thhat, to some, is love. } } To those in the "Dan Fielding" school of human relations, love is when } you engage in some serious acrobatic copulative activities and you } actually think about the other person during the process. } } Love is glandular, irrational, erratic, frustrating, fun, obnoxious, and } can make you seriously sick to your stomach. Love stinks, love bites, } love is a battlefield, and love will keep you together. } } And remember, you can't buy love... but you can sometimes rent it with } an option to own. } } You owe the Oracle a belated Valentines Day card and a box of chocolate } covered condoms. --- 272-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did Goat Nest purely pickle Bucky the Beaver? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shhhhh, we don't talk about that kind of behavior in public! But, since } you insist, I'll contact Mother Nature and ask her to tell you the bawdy } details. } } talk mother@nature.com } (waiting for connection) } (connection established) } } Hi Oracle, haven't talked to you in weeks! What's up. } } >Nothing much, I got another question about the Goat and Beaver thing. } } Oh, not again! I though that incident had been closed for good. Oh, } well, what do you suggest? } } >Well, I was kind of hoping you'd give a short summary, leaving off the } >technical medical and legal issues, of course. } } Sure thing! The only problem is most of the records were sealed by the } juvenile court people. But I can summarize the portion of the case that } was reported in the papers: } } A long time ago, in a part of the forest where the sun shined almost } every day, Bucky the Beaver was busy cutting down trees to reinforce his } dam on the river. Bucky was a very environmentally correct beaver, } never selecting trees that had birds nests in them, and his work } actually made the forest stronger, by helping to thin out areas where } too many trees took root. } } While Bucky was working diligently, in a nearby part of the forest } lurked the Evil Goat, Nest. Nest was, like most goats, exceptionally } horny. } } Unlike most other goats, however, Nest was inclined to engage in various } forms of sexual pleasure which cannot be described over the Internet } without incurring the wrath of the Houston Chronicle. } } Anyway, while Bucky was bent over a recently fallen tree, trimming off } the side branches, along snuck Evil Goat Nest, and ...... } } >>message from censor@houston.cronicle.com HEY! I thought I told you } not to tell that story again. It's bad enough that the police photos } are in alt.sex.pictures. } } >Oops! Gotta go, Mother Nature, thanks for trying! } } Thats alright! Gee, telling that story got me all worked up. Where did } I put that carrot? } ^D } } You owe the Oracle a public key encryption for alt.sex.pictures that } won't be revealed to the Houston Chronicle. --- 272-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the real significance of Dekker's Algorithm? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dekker's Algorithm is significant only in that it was the predecessor } and inspiration for his twin brother Blak's own engineering feat } consisting of a new high-rise construction project for a certain } unspecified restaurant. } The previously impossible feat consisted of a normal sandwich with yet } another stacked upon it. The second slice of bread was found out to be } mechanically unnecessary and tests proved the design to be sound } without it. } Thus was created the Dekker's double which is now called the Double } Dekker and can be found throughout the world. Thus is the true } significance of Dekker's Algorithm for without it Dagwood would surely } starve. } } You owe the Oracle: A hoagie, no less than 5 lunchmeats (no bologna), } relish, mustard (no dijon), mayo, onions, kraut, a tomato, and } any other possible ingredients I could use to make a truly unique } submarine sandwich. (Based upon laminar flow equations) --- 272-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > > * FLAME ON * > > > Someone posted a couple of weeks ago (can't remember who) a few page > > > posting that was a general guideline to how the list works, includ- > > > ing the thing about TWO POSTINGS PER DAY!!!! If whoever that is > > > could, would you please post it again. I think that posting should > > > be sent out to every one of these immature jerks that sign on as an > > > inclusion in the sign-on/sign-off instructions. > > > * FLAME OFF * > > > Robert Hayden > > > > > ** FLAME ON ** > > Immature jerks,huh. Well if I new that being new to as list and a > > being a little clumsy with these here addresses was a crime I would > > not of signed up. As to the Two Postings A Day rule, I have never > > heard of this and if your so-o-o picky about what you wanna read on > > this net then why don't you go read a book or something, Mr. Hayden. > > ** FLAME OFF ** > > -- Krell Warrior of the Gold Dragon > > Why is this Krell guy such a jerk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A cold wind whipped across the internet, whistling threw the open maw of } Krell's dragonhead helm. His horse snorted impatiently, pawing at the } dust. "Soon, Runner, soon we shall fight, and today we shall post } *three* times!" He smiled to himself at the thought. He had waited long } for this battle, and now The Hayden could not escape him again. } } The chase had been long, perhaps too long. Krell wondered if it had } really been worth six years of his life. Visions of other paths } flickered through his mind: completed degrees, clean apartments, } regular incomes. He pushed them aside: He had made his choice six } years ago, when he swore before the Gold Dragon to free The List from } The Hayden, and he would not break his oath. The Hayden would die. } } Krell urged the horse forward, to the newsgroup where The Hayden had } taken refuge. His defenses were strong, but Krell knew he would defeat } them. } } "* FLAME ON *" } } He vocalized the word internally, activating his weaponry. A blade of } electronic fire sprang to life in his right hand. Few could stand } against the power of his sword, Superuser, given him by the Gold Dragon } herself. Krell spurred his mount into a charge. Suddenly, a blinding } light flashed across his eyes, and Krell tumbled to the ground. His } horse vanished utterly. He rolled twice, and came up in a crouched, } looking for his attacker. } } A low laugh echoed across the valley. "You are doomed, Subscriber! } This is a moderated newsgroup!!" } } Krell blanched, and fell back a few steps. He hadn't expected that The } Hayden had such influence. A new strategy was needed. He turned to } withdraw into another domain, but found his retreat blocked by a hedge } of thorns. } } "I've limited your distribution to local, you fool! You are trapped!!" } } Krell realized that his protection bits must have been scrambled back in } the fight in talk.bizarre. The Hayden had him. He muttered a final } prayer. "tell mom@home 'goodbye'" He would have to resort to his final } weapon, though it would destroy him along with The Hayden. He would } need all his strength now. "* FLAME OFF *" Drawing himself up, Krell } spoke the words that would relegate his hated enemy to oblivion: } "rmgrp" --- 272-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh brilliant and Tarot-hating Oracle most wildly kind, greater than Mr. > Jack Abraham and Mr. Groucho Sheet combined, I abase myself before your > pious sex slave. Is a zygomatic trephon more consonant than a > lemnifrage? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The zygomatic what? Hmmm. Speaking in tongues again, eh? Well } brother, you called the Oracle's Evangelical Hotline RIGHT in TIME! To } exorcise the HELLspawned DEMON from your tonsiles, here's the PINCH } HITTER for the LORD, Louie Will Slugger himself. Come on up Louie, and } HEAL this this poor, pathetic slug -- I mean supplicant! Lets cheer } Louie on, ladies and gentlemen, in the manner he's used to: } } Hey battabattabattabatta seWING, battah! } } (Louie walks up wielding an uprooted sequoia. He takes a warm up swing } or two, knocking audience members left and right, aims for the wretched } questioner's demon-possessed head, and ....) } } ker-WHACK! } } Oh dear. Could you bring that head on down to the stage, sir? I'm sure } Louie would be happy to give you an autographed baseball which you could } keep as a souvenir in its place. Fortunately, reattaching heads is } practically the Oracle's second line of business. } } There you go sir. I'm sure that'll fix any crossed wires as soon as you } come to your full senses. In the meantime, thank you for the } contribution of your house, and I'm sure you'll be delighted with } Oracle's recipe for Swedish Meatballs -- the absolutely FREE gift we } give to anyone contributing $50,000 or more to our fundraiser. And here } it is: } } For die Sveedish Meeetbowls, you fordie yourdie wordie birdie lordy } lordy bork bork. Add salt to taste. } } Thank you, and do call again! --- 272-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@teer18.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh noble and witless Oracle, kinder than a whole bunch of rodents, whose > ribs I am not capable to wash, cuter than a whole bunch of mastodons, I > abase myself in the face of your lecherous moral brilliance. > > Once upon a time I had a small blue object. What has become of it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Funny you should ask that... you're probably going to kick yourself } when you find this out, but that small blue object was given to you, in } a dream, but the Almighty himself as a test of your worthiness to become } a great and legendary figure in the world. It held the secrets of the } ancients, the plan for world piece for the next 1000 years, and the } reasons why people actually like "The Simpsons". With it, mankind would } have grown and advanced to a point where only science fiction writers } and drug addicts can dream. } } And you went and lost it. Seesh... what a lame brained thing to do. } Because of that, crazed people attack other countries, androids have } taken over the job of Vice President of the US, Cop Rock was cancelled, } and a large asteroid is going to crash into the earth sometime between } now and New Year's Day 1994. Way to go, bud. } } Just for that, I'm not GOING to tell you what actually became of it, or } the actual day the asteroid is going to hit. Nyeah! } } You owe the Oracle three orange objects and juggling lessons. --- 272-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm still curious: Why is the makefile looking for that > library if you set the switch indicating that you're running X11? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a remarkably boring question. I hope that you appreciate this. } I mean, I wouldn't want you to think that I enjoy answering this sort of } question; I don't. I never have. I never will. Sometimes I get a } nice, exciting, funny, original question, and I can show my inate wit } and humour. Other times, I receive questions like this? Do you realise } what the last 20 questions I received were? I'll tell you what they } were: boring. } } Judge for yourself: } } 20. How do I get an A grade in this class? } 19. How do I score with the girl sitting next to me? } 18. How can I become a millionaire? } 17. Why won't my C program compile? } 16. Why won't my Pascal program compile? } 15. How do I get an A grade in this class? } 14. Last time I asked you, you didn't know. Do you now know? } 13. What time is it? } 12. How can I score with the girl in the seat behind me? } 11. Does God exist? } 10. How do I get an A grade in this class? } 9. Where am I? } 8. What is it like getting laid by Lisa? } 7. Can you help me, please? } 6. Last time I asked, you said this, but I don't believe you. } 5. How can I score with the girl on the next terminal to me? } 4. Why does my supervisor hate me? } 3. What is my name? } 2. Can you introduce me to Lisa? } 1. How do I get an A grade in this class? } } Why? Why should I put up with this sort of pathetic type of question? } Oh, yes, your question makes a change: you're basically asking, `Why } doesn't my Makefile work?' What a stunningly exciting thing to ask me; } it really has made my life. When you can think of a more reasonable } thing to ask (and only then) ask me. Bloody mortals. } } However, since it is my duty to answer all questions posed, the I must } do so for you: } } RTFM. } } The Oracle requires as payment a new /dev/null --- 272-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ?sdrawkcab gnitirw draobyek ym si yhW And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, a technical question! I thought I would be asked to reveal my plan } for global happiness... } } Most mortals believe that the "draobyek sdrawkcab" or backwards } keyboard syndrome is due to a hardware failure or a parity mismatch. } The Queen's Commision on Rightwards Typing in fact spent eight months } and ten billion dollars to solve the problem. The following is a } synopsis of their discoveries: } } Essentially, there are two main causes for this terrible syndrome. The } wire from your keyboard to your computer may have become a moebius } strip. Check that it's straight. Note: if you live on Staten Island, } you have to be doubly careful because space itself has contorted into } a moebius strip. In this case, get a four-dimensional cord and you'll } be fine. } } The second cause of this syndrome is a little more scary; your } computer may be infected with Australia Virus (strain B). The } inhabitants of Australia, tired of seeing everything on their screens } upside-down, commissioned the mad programmer Daniel Pjoel to write a } utility that would reverse their screens, thus making the "top" part } appear on the "up" side and the "bottom" part appear on the "down" } side. Daniel, who was madder than Peter Shaffer's Mozart (literary } reference), decided to write the utility in the form of a virus. The } virus became corrupted when it passed through the metal detectors at } Melbourne International Airport and become what is known as Strain B; } rather than reversing top and bottom, the virus reverses left and } right. There is only one cure for this virus: follow my grandmothers } advice and starve it; unplug your computer for 36 hours and then try } again. If this does not succeed in solving your dilemma, place the } long, dangly thing hanging from your modem into a bowl of chicken } soup. } } You owe the oracle eight ounces of shmatz (chicken fat) and another } plan for global happiness. --- 272-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle Most Wise, canst thou tell me why it is that girls have more > fun? > > --Yours in humble isolation from the heights of your insight And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, first of all, the Oracle should inform you that it is not } politically correct to use the word "girl" (pronounced "girrrul") } when you actually mean "WOMAN." You should be ashamed of } yourself! } } The Oracle was almost so offended that your question was not } answered. But then it became apparent that you should be shown } the error of your ways... } } "Girrruls" are female children. } } "Girrruls" are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. The } Oracle has been informed that this "everything nice" bit includes } Diet Pepsi and a bag of Doritos. (The people who wrote the rhyme } were recently jailed) } } "Girrruls" have more fun because they don't have to deal with PMS, } bras, or hairspray, to name just a few of many inconveniences. } } WOMEN, on the other hand, have to deal with all of these, plus } those sad three-legged creatures: MEN! MEN!! MEN!!! } } MEN are responsible for ALL of the world's problems! } MEN rape! } Saddam Hussein is a MAN! } MEN designed the Chernobyl reactor! } MEN are BRUTES! } MEN are BOORS! } MEN are ICKKY! } } Women have *much* more fun because men are perpetually feeling guilty } that they are, after all, men, and women are glad that they're not. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Tampax and a March 1991 Cosmo.