From kinzler Wed Mar 13 11:23:08 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 13 Mar 91 11:23:08 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #276 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 276 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #276 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 13 Mar 91 11:23:08 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 271 13 votes 03532 22342 01534 54400 14233 04531 05422 03163 31450 03532 271 3.1 mean 3.3 3.2 3.8 1.9 3.2 3.1 3.1 3.7 2.8 3.3 --- 276-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What if magic were to appear suddenly in our own mundane > world? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean, of course "What if YOU were suddenly capable of performing } magic?" Magic already exists, you are just too feeble to use it. Watch } this: * } * * **** ** } * * } *** POOF! * } * * * * } ** * **** } * ** } SEE? I'VE TRANSFRO^H^HORMED YOUR TERMINAL INTO A VT100!! NOW I'LL CHA } NGE IT BACK AGAIN, 'CAUSE APPEARING IN ALL CAPS IS BAD FOR MY IMAGE. } \\ } \\/\ } \/\\ } |~~~~~~~~| } | BZAPT! | } |________| } \\/\ } \/\\ } \\ } Now, back to your question. What would happen if you gained magical } powers? Well, you'd have a good time for a while, ensorcelling nubile } maidens, transmuting lead into gold, and camp stuff like that. Before } too long, you'd attract the attention of someone powerful, and probably } nasty, like, say, Cthulu, and then unpleasant things would start } happenin- } * } * * **** ** } * * } *** POOF! * } * * * * } ** * **** } * ** --- 276-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, thou great and allwise, who canst see the fnords as clearly > as an eagle spoteth an elephant, please once and for all unveil this > mystery: Where the heck does `Foo' come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } a) The beginning of `FUBAR' } b) The complementary variable to `Bar' in the programs of geek hackers. } c) A sign held by the legendary Daffy Duck. (`Silence is Foo') } d) Word created by the ancients to separate the wheat from } the chaff, the sheep from the goats, the men from the } boys, and those who would ask questions of the Oracle } that could be more easily answered by the person at the } next terminal from those who ask questions such as: } "What will become of my gonads when I am no longer on } this earth?" } } You owe the Oracle, and we know where you live. --- 276-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh really neato Oracle, why do I think that the > Little Mermaid is so cute? I find myself > attracted to Ariel. I realize she's just a cartoon > but I think I'm in love. Is this normal? > What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course you find yourself attracted to the Little Mermaid. The } merfolk have long been found irresistable by the landed human beings. } Is it normal? No. Not at all. Inter-special marriages between mer- and } human beings are quite tough to pull off. Considering the fact that } Ariel is only two-dimensional, the Oracle imagines that your } honeymoon might be a little...uninspiring. Not to mention that she is } now happily married to an enterprising young prince (aren't all the } good ones, though?). You should try and wean yourself of this doomed } attraction: go rent out some other movies, such as Snow White, } Sleeping Beauty, etc, etc. If you can at least keep your obsessions } limited to the human race, the Oracle thinks you'll be much better } off. --- 276-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are people so nasty to each other on the net? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Its all part o' "The Flame Game" l'il pardner. Out here } on the ImPonderableOssa, you got yerself 3 kinds uh netters. } } 1. Mr. Wizard -- Makes his own newsgroups like alt.immense.penis } and makes fun of mere mortals like yourself. Has } totally given up hope of ever finding a member } of the opposite sex to mate with. Mates with } TK50 tape drives instead. } } 2. Mr. Opinion -- This guy has an opinion and he's always right. } He's "Mr Big" on talk.rape and even more } authoritative on the abortion newsgroups. } Is totally against abortion and uses his } emotional arguments to support his facts. } This kind of person proves something by } assuming what they're trying to prove, and } then proving it true. Grooves on lingerie } adds in Sears Summer Catalog. } } 3. Mr. Clueless -- This guy is basically harmless except he can } get himself into trouble by doing naughty } things like, posting his income tax return } to all of usenet. Does not understand the } concept of "limited distribution" and probably } doesn't care. Totally entranced by his } "virtual reality." } } Now, in order for this to make sense, you must understand and appreciate } the following rule. } } DEF| Oracles Netter Incompatibility Theorem. } } If you get two or more netters of different subphyla } arguing over something stupid, a flamewar ensues. Not only } are they afraid of someone else having an opinion contrary to } their own, but are also afraid of someone elses opinion being } more popular than theirs. They feel that they can win public } support by deluging the net with megs and megs of messages that } no one else wants to read. This most often occurs when 2 Mr. } Opinion people go head to head. (Ugly scene indeed).. Wizards } never bother arguing with each other. The Clueless ones don't } know how to reply to mail, so they're relatuvely quite unless } someone fucks up and shows 'em how to reply. } } Could be a personality clash. Could be repressed homosexual } feelings that they can only express via long and bozoic dissertations } on boring subjects. BTW, If you've read this far, you don't need } glasses. } } You owe the oracle one nude 3-D picture of some kicking babe. --- 276-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Eees enybaady out dere? Sumbaady pleees tale me ware dee baste > place ees to go for dee opcaaming Spreeng Brake. By dee way, I don' > reeely like dee cold wader. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > set translation-mode = mock-swedish } } Vayl, lemme tell yu, my frend, dee baste place fer dee Spreeng Brake ees } dee Flaaridah. Lotsa nahce beeechs, lotsa preetty girls, vunderfool } weder. An' dare ain' too meeny sharks in the wader, neether. Dee food } is very nahce, too: I vonce hadda Spanish meal dere vhat voold make yer } mout' wader sumtin' fierce! I tell yu 'bout eet: First, yu taka beeg } cheeken. Den, you pluck out all'is feders. Hey, yu, cheeken!! Get } back heer! I gotta pluck out all yer feders! Vhy yu cheekin, } I'ma gonna get yu fer dat! Oooof-da! Vhere's my shotgoon? } Vhere my shotguun? I'ma gonna keeell me dat cheeken... } } } You owe the Oracle a translation of "Hey verspurn, verspurn die } durshdedoo! Hey verspurn, sprun durschdedoo: Bort! Bort! Bort!" --- 276-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I ate all the Frusen-gladje. I also ate all the Cracklin' Oat Bran. > What more is there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What more, indeed, oh irksome youth. } } Thy whining, impish countenance assails my wondrous wit. } What more? Of spoiled, adult children do thou not me ask, } Who desire to ingest the frozen issue of a bovine teat? } Whose only virtue is its mangled name, } emerging from some swollen, stinking, sodden Swedish trask. } } A generation has misplaced its wholesome pride, } And stoops to graze on cardboard-clad faux forage. } Observe the brainless cudding of a Birkenstock clad bride } of Birkenstock clad groom. Where goes cotton tie-dye, } there goes mental bye-bye. Haul them wailing into storage. } } What more is there? Oh, but lift your eyes above } The wretched demoniac wiggling of the nubile succubi } Which people that corrupt Instrument of Evil. I speak of } The Heinous Television. That Pandora's box stares at } our innocents, and bids them abdicate their minds with xray lullaby. } } Hoist you up your spear. Step out into a savage, desert land. } Wreck and Ruin and Waste do leave you in your wake. } Petty Despots kneel before you; Collect them up into your hand, } And throw them into dungeon deep. Slay you their men, } lay siege their towns, } destroy their tepid waterways, their thirst to leave unslaked. } } Wait a minute, you already did that. Okay, I know of a place in } Ithaca, New York that sells organic corn flakes. It's on Cayuga } Street. Look for tie-dye tee-shirts. Tell `em I sent you, and that } I'll be in to work my shift on Thursday. } } You owe the Oracle a six-pack of tofu (firm). --- 276-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I work for a small time software developer who is always claiming that > he is an "engineer," and that the systems *he* builds are "engineered." > But it looks to me like he just hacks them together like everyone else. > > What does UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU}UUUUU > UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU}UUUUU18;1HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, it looks like the engineer finally killed another "computer } scientist." Hurah!!!!! Good work!!! --- 276-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Aftahnoon, Mistah O., > > Me 'n' de boys just got done wid a kidnap job, see? We aksed for > $25,000 in small bills for da kid, an' his parents sent us dis suitcase, > see? And inside there was a bill from AT&T for $15.94, and a bill from > the city for $22.13, and a bill from Rhonda's House of Pain for $33.76, > and anyways when the kid added 'em up for us, they was sure enough for > $25,000 all told. Should we pay them? It don't seem right, somehow. > > Socko And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Deah Socko, } } Sure. Ya shud pay 'em cuz you asked fer 'em. Now de conventinal } wizdum on bills is like diss see. If ya don't want ta pay 'em see, den } you jus' put 'em back in da male box see. Nice and slow see... Dat's } da way ya do it.. Nice... and... Slow..... } } Ahem. } Da Oracle see.... } } BTW, You promised ya return da kid right? Didja say how yud return } 'im? I suggest Federal Express or a fax machine. :-) --- 276-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ... what the true origin of that foul-sounding language COBOL is. Most > certainly, a human didn't produce it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, that's right, no human has produced COBOL. This horrid language, } which can parch even Eddie Murphy's throat, was invented by an evil } breed of German midgets known as the COBOLds. They were squat, ugly } creatures with small piggish eyes, filthy beards, large axes, bad } temper, aunts named Gretchen, silly hoods, stumpy teeth, strict } herring-and-potatoes diets, short stubby fingers, large smelly feet and } a lisp of the sort that might be cute on little half-elves with tight } pants and tits that defy the laws of gravity, but it most certainly } wasn't cute on them. The COBOLds used to live in German copper mines, } from which they abducted the copper and replaced it with cobalt, a } stupid metal they'd bought *en masse* from a mail order firm that } advertised in the back pages of *The L.A. Freep*. Such were the ways } of the COBOLds. But when they had tucked away all the copper in Germany } way down in their subterranean closets, the mines obviously had to be } closed down. And the COBOLds got cross because they had nobody to annoy } anymore. For a while, they just sat there, picking their runny noses } with their short, stubby fingers and tried to find out new ways to get } on humankind's nerves. Gradually, an evil plot developed. They began } to infiltrate the computer world, hiding under mouse mats, in 80MB hard } disk drives, in empty Chinese takeaway cartons, in those stupid RS-232 } ports, yes, unsuspected by us, they became part of the *programming } environment*. And then, just as they had done in their old mines, they } began to snatch away pieces of code and replace it with long, rambling } word sequences (remember that they of German origin were, and life-long } experience of lots of words to incomprehensible verb constructions make } together put have) such as: } } "ADD TWO TO TWO GIVING FIVE" } } Soon, there was no normal code left, and every new piece of code } produced near a COBOLd abode was instantly replaced by these horrible } ramblings. And so, the programmers resigned and learned to program in } COBOL, a habit which over the years gradually wore their fingers down to } short stumps, much like COBOLd fingers. And that's probably what these } despicable gnomes were after in the first place, envious as they are, } those foul pixies, those gruesome brownies, those malodourous mannekins, } those sinister sprites, etc. etc. (I don't like them) --- 276-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh ye Oracle of most profound and divine wisdom, could you please answer > a question for me which has perplexed the most skilled philosophers for > countless centuries: > > What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sometimes the oracle thinks that the whole universe is full of dunces. } Do you have any idea how often the oracle is asked this question? As } far as I'm concerned, this question demonstrates the undeniable } existence of convergent mental evolution. I mean how many civilizations } have existed since the dawn of time, and on how many planets distributed } throughout the universe... (on second thought, should I be spoonfeeding } you these questions as well?) In any case, I must see this about five } hundred thousand times a day in at least as many languages. What do you } people do for fun anyways? Pull the wings off flies? } } It reminds me of the old joke about the behavioral psychologist and the } frog that he'd trained to jump when given the verbal command `Jump.' He } chopped off one of the frog's legs and gave the command. The frog } jumped. He chopped off another leg and said `Jump.' The frog jumped } (somewhat more feebly). He chopped off another leg and said `Jump.' The } frog pushed with it's one remaining leg, clearly still responding. The } scientist finally removed the last leg and said `Jump.' No response. An } entry was made in the scientists notebook ``Legless frog now deaf''. } } No matter how often I answer this question I still get it back again. } You lowly beings are obviously incapable of understanding the answer! } How petulant do I feel this instant? Should I even answer at all? What } would happen if I didn't answer this question? (Of course I know the } answers to all these questions, but you don't ha!) } } OK, OK, OK... Here's your answer: } } **** } The force vector reflects back upon itself in space-time and creates a } standing wave between the big bang singularity and the position-instant } of the meeting. The effects of this wave are seen most directly on your } world in Charlie's Angels reruns whenever any one of the women chases a } suspect while wearing high heels. } **** } } The boon for this particular question service is simple. You must } commit your eldest child to an adolescence dominated by brutal, } meaningless sport and rising at six o'clock every Saturday morning. The } easiest way to achieve this on your world is to commit your child to } Minor Hockey. (For some reason this question is extremely common in a } place called Canada. Go figure.)