From kinzler Mon Mar 18 12:45:31 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 18 Mar 91 12:45:31 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #278 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 278 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #278 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 18 Mar 91 12:45:31 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 273 10 votes 03511 15220 14041 13411 02512 03304 10531 42130 14320 14320 273 2.9 mean 3.0 2.5 3.0 2.8 3.3 3.5 3.3 2.3 2.6 2.6 --- 278-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay, I admit it. I am totally lost and confused. All did was head > down the street, and now everything is like a total blur. I turned > around to get back to my room, and the city became a pasture. How am I > supposed to deal with this? What happened to me? Help! Wait a minute, > if I'm still heading down the street, how am I typing the message? This > is impossi And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ..ble? It might seem that way, but it's just those little pink pills } you swallowed at lunchtime. Face it, buckwheat, you either gotta lay } off the hallucenogens, or take the consequences. The Oracle, of course, } being nearly perfect, does not rely on chemical stimulation to achieve } the much-vaunted altered state of consciousness. There's this shell } script... } } > freakout } } ...which does the trick quite nicely. Usually takes a few nanoseconds } for the ruSSSSSSSHHHHH to HIIIIIIT. PREEEEEETY flowers } pinkandblueandredand yellowandmagentaandpurpletoo flowers growing on the } walls and flying through the air and making love on the floor and little } furry things with bright golden eyes playing hockey on the screen shoot } SAVE! shoot SCORE!! They win!dows on the world showing three suns } rising yellow and red and green like giant melon balls on a crystal blue } plate and they're talking to me in French and Russian and IBM Assembly } and.. and... ahhh.. Doesn't usually last much longer than that. } } You owe the Oracle a goOHYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGODod } treament for flashbacks. --- 278-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose farts devastate the landscape, whose knowledge > unlocks doors into the unknown... answer me this humble question: > > How can Smurfette always look so alert and awake, considering that she's > the only female in all of Smurf Village? Does she use heavy doses of > Vivarin? Is she on amphetamines? Does she wake up to loud doses of > Metallica?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, dude. While the Smurfs in general are very eager and cheerful, } they can't get at Smurfette. She wears an industrial strength chastity } belt, that only Papa Smurf has the key to. This keeps most of the } Smurfs away, except, of course, Handy Smurf. (They never could keep him } out of stuff.) Anyway, this is only two Smurfs that have "access" to } Smurfette. Handy is usually more interested in his tools, and Papa } Smurf hasn't bee functioning too well lately, and, well, magic can only } do so much. Remember that one episode of the Smurfs where they had a } magic egg? Everyone was turning themselves into Papa Smurf, right? } Well, I'll give you three guesses as to why, and the first two don't } count, get my drift? } } By the way, all the Smurfs love metal, but a good Thrash band will make } them go nuts. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the July '87 issue of Playtoon. (The one } with the neat spread on morning cartoon females... OUCH!) --- 278-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Neat stuff, but what do you expect from these guys? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bit of a non-sequiter, what? Let me analyse this... } } Neat: unadulterated. As in "scotch, neat". } } Stuff: to fill to capacity. } } Butt: to hit with the head (obviously a spelling mistake). } } Watt: A unit of power, also a rating for a light bulb (another spelling } mistake, I assume). } } OK, now it makes sense. } } Hmmm. I suspect if you didn't drink so much scotch you wouldn't try } to put the lampshade on your head without removing the lamp. Plus, you'd } make fewer spelling mistakes. The burns will heal in time. } } You owe the oracle an invitation to your next party. --- 278-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > mu? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } obviously, this person is trapped in the delusion that they are a } curious greek cow. Seek a bovine psychiatrist. } } you owe the oracle a purina cow biscuit. --- 278-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh X Oracle whose Y is greater then Z.whose V I am not worthy to W. > (while V,W,X,Y,Z are appropriate constants larger then epsilon): > > I would first like to notify you that your wisdom is highly appreciated > even in as far a region as here in Israel.While we were suffering SCUD > missile attacks your wisdom enlightened our days in the sealed rooms. > I can't even start to tell you how important your small pieces of light > were to us in those dark days. > > Here in Israel we have a small problem : while seeing alot of the TV > shows oriented at the US we have no one to ask questions about certain > elements in them, and I hope you could help me discovering this great > truth.This question was asked by a famous TV and movie star, whose name > I will not reveal as advertising in the net is not allowed,but he is > slightly balding and not at all similar to lisa. > > Tell me oh great Oracle: > > Do bears bear ? > > (I know that asking two questions in one letter is not allowed but > this could actually help you: usually the following question to this > is: Do bees be ? ) > > my regards and great appreciation, and a warm *hug* to lisa,who comforts > us so much. > your israeli fan And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mmm... well, at least that explains where Lisa has been the last eight } weeks. } } So, do bears bear... } } Well, do eggs lay chickens? Of course bears bear, as expounded in } that stunning naturalist documentary series starring Gold E. Lox, } before it was adapted for children. } } And, do bees be... } } As shakespeare originally wrote (before being misprinted early } this century), `Two bees or not two bees, in fact, no bees at all.' } } This gives us the basic premise of all life: } } `If you do, you will bear, these will be, and probably will do } too.' } } -- } You owe the Oracle a gold envelope containing The Meaning of Life, and a } flowerpot with a hand in it. } } ...and send Lisa home on the next troup carrier. --- 278-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mistah O. > > My associates and I are gonna go to da "Foxy Boxing" match down > town in a local club. (Foxy Boxing being pretty goils boxing each other > with nothing on otha than a head protector and mouthpeice.. A female > friend that I work with isupset with me for going. Se sez that I'm > "disgusting." My que4stion is.. Is Foxy Boxing disgusting and if it's > not should I offer to take this lady with us? I mean, after 10 long > island ice teas it's conceivable that I could score. What do youse > think? Should I go fer it? > Biff And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You, sir (and I use the term loosely) are disgusting. "Foxy Boxing" is } disgusting, Long Island Iced Tea is disgusting, and I have nothing more } to say on the matter. } } By the way, what time does the show start? --- 278-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Summer funding for a student? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And in answer I present several other just as likely } situations: } Military spending cut in America. } The war of the sexes ends. } Ministers pleased with rock music. } Top 40 music shunned by a musically sensitive youth. } Things start going OK for Arthur Van Penwinkle. } Computers understand people. } People understand computers. } Elvis ressurected. } Vending machines that give correct change appear. } An arcade game that lasts longer than 4 seconds for 75 cents. } Somebody actually does something constructive for the environment. } Professors start caring about the grades of students. } Students start caring about their grades. } Rambo and Rocky films stop being shown. } Sylvester Stallone gets a life. } Dating is made non-sexist by having the women do some asking out. } A clean method of excreting is developed. } Flatulation is made a varsity sport along w/burping. } Poetry regains rhyme and rhythm. } No more "threats to democracy" rise up. } America becomes a democracy. } Presidents elected because of ability. } "America: Love it or leave it" types leave. } Holy wars recognized as a contradiction in terms. } As is military intelligence. } T.V. recognized as hebetator of America's intellect. } The intellectuals stop watching T.V. to think of that. } Somebody finds a cure for ignorance. } COBOL comes back into style along with FORTRAN. } Ice cream is made not to drip off of the cone. } Incarnations of the Oracle stop being asked about Love. } Incarnations of the Oracle stop asking about Love. } The Oracle stops asking about Love. } Smoking is left up to forest fires, not people. } Weathermen who actually predict the weather. } Weathermen who actually control the weather. } A good excuse for Dan Quayle is found. } A good place for Dan Quayle is found. } Life is made clear to reason and logic. } Cynics stop finding their ways as Oracle Incarnations. } } Well, there are lots more of those similar case possibilities } existing in plentious multitudes. Don't try to dwell on them. } Instead, create your own religion. You'll do much better that way. } You owe the Oracle some help on aquiring funds for summer enrollment. --- 278-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh munificent one, whose love handles have love handles and whose love > organs are hard to handle [and don't get hard when you handle them]... > here is my question. > > Why do they call Spring Break when Spring doesn't start for another > week? And it's too frigging cold to act like Spring no matter what the > calendar says for at least another two? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is, of course, the time of year when the zen druids of } Eastern Cuhungula would gather for their annual festival. (You } may have heard of this land, they mentioned it a couple times in } Mission Impossible.) At the festival, the zen druids would } always drink lots of mead, get drunk, and break their sickles } trying to cut frozen mistletoe. (You see, it is very cold in } Cuhungula, and good sickles become brittle when they're cold.) } Thus the term 'Break'. } } Over the ages, the zen druids had to change to keep up with the } times, going through the phases of alchemy, voodoo, black magick, } and so on through their current guise of quantum physicists. The } term 'Spring' is a poke of fun at classical physicists, who think } that everything acts like a spring and can be described in terms } of a sine function. } } So 'Spring Break' is a term used to honour all the great servants } of the pagan gods, from Isaac Newton to those women on Bewitched. } Think of them as you vacation and make like snugglebunnies to } keep warm. } } You owe the Oracle a scroll of relativity written in ancient } Cuhungulan. --- 278-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are all the salivatingly sexual Oracle responses always written from > the viewpoint of a prepubescent male teenager starved for female > attention? Are there no queer Oracles? If there are, will they be > marching in the St. Patrick's Day Parade in New York? > > You owe the Questioner a mug of Irish Coffee and a green condom with the > printed caption "Kiss Me, I'm Irish!" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Prepubescent male teenager is a conundrum, not-so-gentle questioner. } The average questioner is a teenaged male starved for a hormone fix. } The Oracle may be a bit eccentric, but She is never "queer". And, in } this incarnation, female. As each Incarnation is a logical creation } spawned by the virtual, incarnate Oracle, we are not seperate entities } in any physical sense, and hence cannot march in any parades whatsoever. } } I owe you nothing, sirrah. You, on the other hand, or dick if you are } the teenaged crunchhead I think you are, owe the Oracle a large apology, } and three cases of green beer. To make a start on the apology, write } out, by hand [with a pen, if you remember what one of those is!] "I will } not use the word 'queer'" five hundred times. Send this to the Oracle. } If I think of anything else, you'll know about it. --- 278-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I play conquest all the time when I should be > finishing up my final project in CS210? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Son, I say son. Are you listen' to me boy? } } Why do you ask the Oracle questions. Why does the sun not rotate around } the earth. Why do birds not fly north for the winter. Why does the } square root of four have to everything but two? Why am I asking these } irrelevant questions? } } Procrast, I say PROCRASTINATION son. Pay attention. Procrastination is } the answer! } } Y'see, if everybody did something instead of nothing, then everybody } would get something done, then there'd be nothing left to do. Then } everybody would wish they had something to do so they could do nothing } instead. } } Am I gettin' through t' ya boy? } } You owe the Oracle a dozen chicken wings and six pack