From kinzler Sun Mar 31 20:26:49 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 31 Mar 91 20:26:49 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #284 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 284 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #284 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 31 Mar 91 20:26:49 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 279 12 votes 04413 53220 24411 22800 41430 31143 24150 31710 21261 22422 279 2.8 mean 3.3 2.1 2.6 2.5 2.5 3.3 2.8 2.5 3.3 3.0 --- 284-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > demon prince? Or simply a noxious person with a face like a doormat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... I'm not sure. Let me check, okay? } } This is a prompt-->mail god@pearly.gates.com } Type ctrl-] for help } To: god@pearly.gates.com } Cc: } Bcc: } Subject: } Enter message: (type ctrl-] for help) } --------- } } Hey, dude... what's happening? } What's going down with the angels? Say hit to Shelley and Patty for } me okay? } Listen, I got a question here from a dude who wants to know if he's } a demon prince or or just an obnoxious person with a face like a } doormat. Yeah. I know. But that's the kinds of questions I get, } you know? Anyway. I was wondering if you could help me out. } } Talk to ya later. } Oracle } ======================================================================== } Oracle! Oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu If you've got a question } I've got an answer! } ======================================================================== } } } ---------- } } So while we're waiting... } I'm going to have a cup of tea. Care to join me? } So anyway... you just gotta be curious about the way it is for an } Oracle, you know? I get so many questions... but none without answers. } Somebody asked me once 'what's the meaning of life?' you know? So } I went into a really deep trance cause it was a *hard* question, } you know? After a while, I gave up, went to sleep for a while and } all of a sudden it hit me, you know? I was so happy I logged on } and started to answer him: } } You have new mail. } } Oh, cool. We got the answer from God! Isn't that great. Here. } Let me look at it for ya. } } This is a prompt--> msg } 1 message in usr/mail/oracle } (1/1) type 1 } To: The Usenet Oracle } From: God } Date: Mon Feb. 16, 1990 (0:43 GMT) } Subject: Re: } Enter message: (type ctrl-] for help) } ----------- } } Hey Oracle. I've been pretty busy.... been looking after that thing } in the Middle East, you know. Pretty heavy. The angels are pretty } busy too, but Shelley has been taking some time off. She's surprised } you remembered her. She only saw you at that party, you know. } } So anyway... ya...ya... I understand. Heh. I know how it goes. } I get asked some pretty asinine questions myself (:-)). But admit } it... it's fun. } } He *is* pretty noxious. And come to think of it... his face *does* } remind me of a doormat. Funny. I never thought of it that way. } But a demon price? Get real. } } Listen, I gotta get going. They're calling me at a church service. } Take care. Bless you. } } -- } God [] I am all-powerful } [====] and almighty. } god@pearly.gates.com [] It's in the Bible! } [] ...bless you sons and daughters! } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } (1/1) quit } No changes made. } } 1 message in usr/mail oracle } } So there you go. Have a nice day! } } You owe the oracle a better answer for 'what's the meaning of life?' } than 'chocolate'. --- 284-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Excuse me, the telephone is ringing... > > ... OK, I'm back. Now what was I going to ask you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, puny mortal... you blew it again. } } You WERE going to ask me, perhaps the most important question for all } mankind... the question to enlighten the masses... a question whose } answer would bring humanity to a higher level of existance... } } BUT NO... [rumble] } } *YOU* had to answer the telephone, and disrupt your train of thought. } More than that, you failed to fulfill the prophecy about the meek } inheriting the earth, because, you (who was, incidentally, chosen by all } of us up here, to be the leader of the meek) forgot the question. And } what do you have to show for it? Nothing... nothing except the } traumatic memory of a prank phone call asking for Mr. "Homer Sexual". } } [sigh] I guess we must delay our plans by another few millenia before we } find another who will fulfill the prophecy. I hope your friends will } forgive you in your dismal failure. } } A hint: The question had something to do with... } } Vanilla Ice and the reason for his existance... } The causes of blue lightning... } And the scent of Lisa's body in the morning sunshine... } } In payment for the Oracle's Services, you must: } 1) Write a 1000 word apology in Babylonian. } 2) Avoid all sweets for 14 months. and... } 3) GET AN ANSWERING MACHINE!!!! } } The Oracle hath spoken... --- 284-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now what's this!? Don't you have a sense of humor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has a sense of humor. The part about what you owe the Oracle } is the humorous part. } } You owe the Oracle three weeks' room cleaning. --- 284-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ?Puedo hablar contigo hoy? ?Por que comiste la caca? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh boy, another grade school kid after his first week of Spanish } class... --- 284-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, Holder of the power of question and answer: > > How come it takes so long for You to answer my questions? I mean, it's > not like You have anything better to do! > > Thanx (if it's a prompt reply) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well it seems that the oracle's question queue has been getting rather } full lately due to too many people asking questions and the oracle's } slack suplicants not answering enough. I've hired some ex-Iraqi } Republican Guard Units to shoot... er no encourage yea that's it } encourage higher morale and a better work ethic. If you would like to } help, send the oracle some ask me's instead of tell me's. Or tell Lisa } to put out to the supplicants more... that would sure raise morale. } I'd end up with some tired supplicants though. --- 284-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why bud dry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bud Dry because big rain cloud no come for many day. Oracle do rain } dance for to give rain god bidding: } } [shuffle..shuffle..skip] [shuffle..skip..shuffle] } [skip..shuffle..shuffle] } } tom-tomma-tomma-kippie-yi-yi-yaaa huhmph! whumph! Up down turn around, } send a pail-o-waaaaaaater Up down turn around, send a pail } todaaaaaaaaay..... } } Bud! Bud! Bud! (when you say 'bud' you say it all) } } You owe the oracle a new headdress --- 284-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gosh darn it, when will my desk suddenly (yet exotically) discover its > true purpose and stop deflocculating all these pigeons? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, although you fail to show respect for the Oracle, and even invoke } the assistance of one of His competitors, the High Priest of Gosh, the } Oracle is forgiving. Besides, Gosh retired 32 years ago when the last } of the Andy Hardy movies was made. Somehow, Mickey Rooney just wasn't } convincing as a teenager anymore. Maybe it was the wig. } } It does worry the Oracle that you presume that your desk has a higher } purpose than the deflocculation of pigeons. Nevertheless, you are, in } fact, correct. The pigeons are actually the task of your desk lamp, } your desk has not yet had the opportunity to begin its higher purpose in } furniture. } } Now, since you have decided to urge your desk along to its ultimate } destiny, you are going to have to supply some of the necessary support. } } Please assemble the following items. } } 3 Peanut Butter and jelly sandwiches. (Skippy Peanut butter, Welchs' } Grape Jelly, any bread except Wonder Bread) } } about 100 Bandaids (tm). (The clear kind are best.) } } a sack from a grocery store, preferrably the double-thickness kind. } (the single thickness ones are _so_ unreliable these days.) } } Once you have assembled these items, place the 3 PB&J sandwiches in the } corners of the desk furthest away from the window. Carefully unwrap the } Bandaids and use them to connect the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches } together, making sure not to have any part of the Bandaids touching the } surface of the desk. (If necessary, place some kind of support between } the chain of Bandaids and the desk. Don't under any circumstances use } your dirty socks for this task, however.) } } Recite the wording on the grocery sack backwards 23 times while standing } on your head, wearing only clean underwear. (Splurge, do your laundry } more often than once a month!) } } After you have sucessfully completed this task, your desk will be on the } road towards its future. } } The Oracle thanks you for your efforts, no payment is necessary. } } Oh, you wanted to know wt your desk's true destiny was? Sorry, you } didn't ask that question! --- 284-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, who has to put up with multudinous > questions from the seven cornres of the earth, > please tell me what are the top oten asked questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The top oten asked questions } } 10. Who are you? } 9. What is your favorite question? } 8. Why is there air? } 7. Who is Lisa? } 6. How can I get that guy to notice me? } 5. How can I get *any* gal to notice me? } 4. How does the Oracle work? } 3. How do I get into the Oracularities? } 2. What are the top oten asked questions? } and } 1. How much wood would a woodchuck arrgguuugghhh! I can't type it! } } You owe the Oracle a *new* and *original* question. --- 284-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Have I spawned another personality without knowing it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's find out... } ! >message.$eoi } iuvax # telnet @@questioner@@.cerebellum.mind.com } MVS/XA telnet server... } Please login: unixserver } Password: xxxxxxxx } } Loading unix emulation mode... microcode loaded. } Welcome! } Would you like root access? y } Root access password? xxxxxxxx } Would you prefer to have read-only access (please!)? n } On his head be it then. You're in. Be careful. } (/bin/bsh: brain shell) } brain # ps -e } 000 monitor 755598975735.55 /bin/brain.kernel.d } 001 console 21984444.11 /bin/bsh } 002 personality1 9983555.55 /bin/id.d } 003 personality1 592444.44 /bin/ego.d } 004 personality1 96660.00 /bin/superego.d } 081 personality1 55.21 /bin/fork /usr/virus/prop.d } 121 personality2 8847693.88 /usr/virus/kernel.d } 134 personality2 879331.67 /usr/virus/interface.d } 176 personality2 57655.99 /usr/virus/antibiotic.d } 190 personality2 9910.80 /usr/virus/watchdog.d } 667 console 1.21 /bin/bsh (iuvax.cs.indiana.edu) } brain # } MSG from watchdog.d } ** You're being logged out, sucker! Forget it! } -Process killed } Connection killed by foreign host. } iuvax # resume.message -p } (pipe killed by resume) } } It appears that you indeed do have another personality. However, don't } worry it's only a virus you picked up. } } You owe the oracle two coughs. --- 284-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle who sees all, but in reality knows nothing, except > as a collective entity, > how is it that so many have come to trust your knowledge, despite > its true lack of wisdom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in } the wind. } } There you go, you owe the oracle a... } } What's that? Oh, you aren't going to fall for the old answer-him-with- } an-old-folk-song-and-he'll-go-away-and-take-his-annoying-question-with- } him bit eh? Darn, hmmmmmmmmm.... That means I really have to think of } something, or Hey! Wait a minute! I don't have to think! I'll just } ask Mr. Joe Average aka John Q Public. } } Joe, get over here.... } } (scruffy looking gentlemen, obvious blue collar worker walks up) } } Mr. Average, could you answer something for me. } } AVERAGE: Call me Joe, and sure Oracle, though I don't see why you } need my help, seeing as you know everything anyway. } } Yes, well, my friend here doesn't trust my wisdom, so tell him, why is } it that you and others like you have come to trust my knowledge, despite } my true lack of wisdom? } } AVERAGE: Huh? } } Why do you pay attention to my advice? } } AVERAGE: Oh, that's easy, cos your a really smart guy! } } Thank you. } } You can go now Joe. } } AVERAGE: Any time Mr. Oracle. } } There you have it, that's why. } } You owe the oracle an apology and the next time you disguise an insult } as a grovel like that I'll fry your brains out.