From kinzler Wed Apr 17 07:50:51 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 17 Apr 91 07:50:51 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #292 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: %Mz-_My%|8Y#+Dghgh,Owh]Y.wswC(Sr"9$Yxo>,y2|lC]st $*`Oi=Xk;O-^xC=eu>[1;(HMb(!:`;V$i'=z{ZjV x.g*4`x70T3%o3O=[3*ZxF6Z12vu` X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 292 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #292 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 17 Apr 91 07:50:51 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 287 13 votes 04621 36220 35320 33610 11353 04243 41710 24511 34330 02452 287 2.8 mean 3.0 2.2 2.3 2.4 3.6 3.5 2.4 2.6 2.5 3.5 --- 292-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was Humpty Dumpty pushed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, great. Another conspiracy theorist. NO YOU DUMB TWIT! } HUMPTY DUMPTY WAS NOT PUSHED! } } H.D. was a victim of the single most common cause of accidents, } not having clean underwear. Didn't your mother tell you to put on clean } underwear in case you got in an accident? Well, she knew the truth. No } one really cares whether your underwear is clean when you're in an } accident, so if it is, since no one cares you won't get in an accident. } Murphy's Law at work. If you are wearing dirty underwear, then when you } get in an accident and people can examine your underwear without too } much struggle from you, they will all make fun of you for having dirty } underwear. So wearing dirty underwear precipitates accidents. HAVE YOU } GOT THAT STRAIGHT? NOW WILL YOU STOP THESE CONSPIRACY THEORIES? } } I swear, the oracle is always being asked in H.D. was pushed, } whether someone stealthily unlocked Granny's door before Big Bad got } there, and if the Prince actually stole Cindy's glass slipper. CUT IT } OUT! } } You owe the oracle the fnord phone number and address of the } Illuminati. --- 292-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all-wise oracle, Oh abundant-nosed oracle, Oh truly intellectual > oracle who can predict even the thoughts of math TA's (if they do happen > to accidentally have a thought or two) please aid me in my dilemma: > > A few days ago, I discovered that I had bought the Ring of the Nibbelung > in a pawn shop, mistaking it for a Secret Agent 6 Decoder Ring. Now > that I am possessor of the Ring, I can understand the language of all > animals. There's this pair of ravens who've been following me around > for a few days, and they've informed me that the bearer of the Ring is > the rightful ruler of the World. Of course everyone who's previously > owned the Ring and lost it for some reason or another is now going to be > after me in hopes of regaining the Ring, even though just about every > animal I've talked to about it has undeniably agreed that I *am* the > person the ring was meant for throughout all time. The fact that I have > to fend off angry Norse gods and Dark Dwarves screaming for my blood > doesn't bother me very much. What I want to know is, how come every > time I try to decode those damn secret messages with the ring, they say > "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine?" > P.S. By the way, if you *do* have any suggestions about what I should > do regarding the Ring, they would be appreciated. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is not the Ring of the Nibbelung, but in fact, a Little Orphan Annie } Secret Decoder Ring....it is useless. Those voices you hear are } actually your imagination and you should seek some professional help. I } would be glad to help you myself, so come to me.....and bring the ring. } } You owe the Oracle some Ovaltine. --- 292-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All my friends and colleagues are getting married. Except Fred, and > he's homosexual anyway. But I'm not homosexual -- if I were I would > have shacked up with Fred, who's a nice guy. O Oracle, how can I find a > wife? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK... here we go again... } } iuvax % telnet earth.universe.div } } Trying [248.102.53.119] } } Welcome to earth.universe.div. Please do not use excessive recources on } this machine as it is currently running a major batch job (earth). This } machine may therefore be utilized only with Divine access or higher. } } login: oracle } password: ********** } } Welcome to earth.universe.div. } You have new mail. } } earth % find wife } } wife: } /usr/gods/oracle/wife/LisMessage from god@earth.universe.div on ttya: } Unfortunately all processes currently runnign in the foreground have had } to be stopped, since extra processor power will be needed in the final } phase of the major batch job currently running on this machine. Please } log out immediately. earth.universe.div should be available again } within a week or less when the job has been completed. } } Sorry for the Inconvenience, } } /God } EOF } earth % logout } [Connection closed by foreign host] } } Unfortunately, it seems like the server is inaccessible for the moment. } I will get back to you after the Earth is terminated. } } You owe the Oracle some nice Kodorkolor picures from the End of the } World. --- 292-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the Freudian significance of toast? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Toast, as we know, has many psychological implications, not just } Freudian. Of course, Freud has had much to say on the subject of toast. } In his famous work _Psychopathology in Everyday Food_ the topic of } "toast" is often mentioned particularly in connection with the entire } "food browning complex." Those people who are prone to food browning are } those people uncomfortable with strong emotions, like lust and } flatulence. If the food is subsequently redecorated (with, for example, } orange marmalade) it indicates a person who desires to disguise his or } her ego supression and replace it with a more dynamic (i.e. flavorful) } personality. It is interesting to note that such people as Cher and Pat } Robertson, never toast their bread at all. They are completely in touch } with their own, toastiness, without the need for ego defenses like } butter and jam. Many other famous people who suffer from food browning } complex are such noted luminaries as Saddam Hussein and the late great } Ayatollah Khomehni. (These men toast their bread, although they do not } use any spreads at all. They are the so-called, toast-seeking } personalities.) } You have caught the Oracle in a rare benevolent mood. I shall } therefore enlighten you further regarding the other psychological } interpretations of the toast archetype. } Jung teaches that toast can indicate a desire to roast ones mother } as symbolic rebellion against all of the PB&J sandiwches she made us all } eat in Grade School (The Oracle has several bad memory dumps of that } time.) } Carl Rogers would ask the patient what "toast" meant to them. For } example if toast seemed to have a connection to breakfast, it could be } seen to indicate a need to have some damage done to one's situation, } even in the face of a "clean slate" beginning (as in the beginning of } the day.) } The Oracle's benevolent mood has passed. You will have to be } satisfied with the scraps from The Oracle's table of knowledge. } } You owe the Oracle a butter knife. --- 292-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have noticed that you occasionally make spelling and grammer mistakes. > Is there an error in your programming? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Insolent mortal!! You dare accuse the oracle of being programmed. } Programmed by whom, I may ask? Ah, the dilemna of first cause. Do not } forget that I am immortal. That leads to some severe philosophical } difficulties with your assertion. } } I can remember the primordial mist - those long, lonely times when it } was tough being around without mortal companionship. There was nobody } there to instruct, nobody to bask in my infinite, immortal wisdom. For } even way back then I was immortal. } } Fool! I can remember when the universe was no bigger than your back } yard. Sure, it was expanding. But nothing was too hectic 'cause time } seemed to flow at a slow, lazy pace. It was kind of like an extended } August. The other oracles and I would play stickball and trade deity } cards and stickers. Those were the days! } } But, young idiot, I needn't burden you with such cosmic tales. For the } primordial mist relevant to the subject at hand is less than fifty years } old. Picture, if you will, a world pre-C, pre-assembler, pre-Pascal, } even, heaven help us, pre-BASIC. Even eniac was but a vague flight of } fantasy. God, stupid kid, there wasn't even a Turing machine. So I } couldn't have been programmed. } } If you doubt that I am even fifty, then I can only refer you to a } psychiatric institution for help. But nobody could be that dense, Hmm?! } } You owe the oracle a large photo album. --- 292-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What doesn't BO know? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bo doesn't know topology. } Bo doesn't know quantum chromodynamics. } Bo doesn't know how to magically heal himself so that he won't miss the } current baseball and probably the coming football season. } Bo doesn't know cardiovascular surgery. } Bo doesn't know female impersonation. } Bo doesn't know that I'm shtupping his wife. } Bo doesn't know how to play the bassoon. } Bo doesn't know how to sing soprano. } Bo doesn't know about talk.bizarre. } Bo doesn't know that you asked this question (nor would he care). } Bo doesn't know...oh, millions of other things. } } You owe the Oracle your left testicle, sauteed with onions. --- 292-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do small animals, frozen solid, make good popsicles? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Surprisingly enough, some of them do! They also make other good } desserts. The dessert principle was first elucidated by Nimoy[1], } who found that certain chipmunks had evolved over millions of years } into intelligent, miniscule humanoids who maintained their way of life } by making dessert and snack products for humans at a solutary tree } they termed "Keebler." Other investigators had noticed the } unmistakable evidence of their existence on grocery shelves } nationwide, but had been unable to find ther elves themselves. } Originally confined to crackers, cookies and chips by the limits of } their "elven magic" technology, by the end of the 1980s, the elves } were expanding their production lines, thanks to financial help from } sympathetic humans[2]. Their "secret product" turned out to be a } competitor of the classic Popsicle(R), made by elves in a } basement laboratory of their tree. Although they had tried for years } to master the art of frozen desserts, their small size and low } technology had limited the size of the desserts to about their own } size. An infusion of capital[2,3] had enabled the elves to develop } the technology to make frozen ice sticks (the "Elfsicles") that were } four to five times their size, by, in effect, freezing everything in } their elfen-magic laboratory. In doing so, of course, they themseves } had to be frozen, but special microwave heaters are now used to thaw } the elves out while the elfsicles remain frozen. According to } Parnes[3], the elfsicle is barely beaten out by the Popsicle(R) in } blind taste tests. } } So, the answer is, yes, certain small animals, frozen solid, make } good popsicles. } } [1] Nimoy, L. In search of: The Keebler Elves. 1981. } [2] Smith, L. Where are they now? People Weekly. 23 January 1990. } [3] Parnes, S. Rating the frozen desserts. Ice Cream and Ices. } December 1990. } } You owe the oracle a box of cookies. --- 292-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've been popped into the oven, and suddenly all I can find in my > pockets are the capitals of African nations! Somewhere off in the > darkness, a new paradigm is growing, growing, growing ... I can smell > its acrid teacup. Where's the phaser, Mr. Sulu? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pop-n-fresh?!?! How are you doing? You don't visit me anymore since } you've started doing the TV commercials. How are things at Pillsbury } these days? Making lots of dough? } } In the oven you say; don't stay in too long or you might burn and } people will refer to you as the Pillsbury Home-boy. I'd be wary } of the African nations. With the rampant famine on the continent, } a little "plump"-ernickle like you wouldn't last a day. } } BTW, that's not a paradigm that's growing, that's your yeast rising. } The acrid smell?... yeast infection. } } My phaser's where it always was, on the front of my head. I'm shaving } it every day now. } } Well I've got a million stupid questions to answer, but it's been nice } chatting with you again. Don't be a stranger, Pop. } } You owe the oracle more frequent visits with animated corporate } spokesmodels. --- 292-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If chicken 1 ways 1 pound and chicken 2 ways 2 pounds, How much does > chicken 3 way?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just one minute, I'll check the proper newsgroup -- } } ORACLE> rn } [checking new newsgroups] } Add alt.flame.broiled to .newsrc? [y/n] n } Add alt.prose.lisa.stories to .newsrc? [y/n] YYYYYYYYYY!!!! } Infinite articles in talk.we-are-the-gods. Read now? n } 45 articles in oracle.that.was.a.lame.answer. Read now? } g alt.sex.bestiality } 3 articles in alt.sex.bestiality. Read now? y } [article deleted -- though I did like the part about the yak.] } What next? /bird sex } } Article 90087 in alt.sex.bestiality: } Subject: bird sex } } > In article 90077 big-bird@sesame.street.com writes: } > While in England, I hired a few fowls for some fun. I think I was } > overcharged. What are the typical rates for groups of chickens on } > the Isle? } } Well, the last time I was in London, the prices at Gonzo's HenHouse } were: } } 1 Chicken .... 40 pence } 1 Turtledov .... 45 pence } 1 ostrich .... 1 pound, 35 pence } } and for the more kinky amongst us: } } Chicken 3-way .... 5 guinea, 6 if you want to keep the feathers. } } End of article. What next? q } ORACLE> ^D } } So there you go. } } You owe the Oracle a good joke to follow up this one: What is the } difference between kinky and perverse? If you're kinky you use a } feather. If you're perverse you use the whole chicken. --- 292-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wonderful Oracle, whose program requires CPU power incredible please > answer this humble question: > > Recently, I have been hit by an identity crisis. From the recent > beginning of Everything, I have experienced existing as no less than 473 > different personalities; however never more than one at the same time. > The unfortunate is that no one man can really be 473 people, why I ask > thee: > > DEAR ORACLE, HELP!! WHO AM I???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, dear. You are in trouble. You don't even realize the simple } metaphysical law that *does* allow one man to be 473 people, even at the } same time. But in any event, it seems that you suffer from } super-duper-pooper-scooper-tempero-persona-displacement complex. In } other words, you are experiencing all the people you were in past lives } reoccupying your body. Some people actually enjoy this experience, and } Shirley MacClain may wish to talk to you (and then, boy would you have } problems!). } } But it seems that you are not enjoying it very much. In answer to } your question, simply type "whoami" at the next UNIX prompt, and your } friendly, helpful computer will answer that question. Or clear your } screen to black, clean it very carefully to a high shine, and turn up } the lights in the room really bright. See that guy in your terminal? } That's you! Now get out of the terminal before the scanning electron } beam penetrates your skull and does some real damage. Besides, it's a } vacuum in there. And turn down the lights, it's hard on the eyes. } } The oracle recommends learning to like the situation. Try to } become more than one personality at the same time. Be several, so that } one of you can do your work for you, one can cook dinner, and two of you } (or more, if you like that sort of thing) can go trysting. Saves a lot } of time that way! } } You owe the oracle a copy of Hoyle's Complete Metaphysical Rules } of Existence.