From oracle-request Sat May 18 01:01:31 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 18 May 91 01:01:31 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #307 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 307 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #307 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 18 May 91 01:01:31 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 302 12 votes 21342 03540 23610 22350 22521 02352 43122 01632 41232 22521 302 3.0 mean 3.3 3.1 2.5 2.9 2.8 3.6 2.6 3.5 2.8 2.8 --- 307-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great wise oracle, > > I have just been stabbed through the heart by Sauron, wielding a 3'2" > camel-hilted shortsword. How long do I have to live? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 3'2"? 3'2"? That doesn't sound right. Hold on a minute and let me } check this out... } } rlogin barad-dur } Last login: Wed July 17 08:50:54 from oraclehost } Sun UNIX 1.2 Release 1.1 (SAURON01) #3: Sun Nov 20 12:57:39 PST } 1981 You have mail. } } %mailx } 1 sysop@barad-dur Thu Jul 18 12:10:33 12/435 System coming } dowm } > } The ssssystem will be coming down on Friday July 19th for } maintenanccccce and an upgrade to 300Kb of main memory. Yes my } preciousss. The ssssystem will be down from 8:00am to 5:00pm that } day, preciousss, and might be down longer if thingsssss go badly. } } Pleasssssssse plan accordingly. } } Golum -- aka: sssssssssysssssssop@barad-dur } >d } >q } %cd /etc } %grep sauron passwd } sauron:oiP7Whq12hQl:0:1:Sauron (Mr. Big Sword):/usr/sauron:/bin/csh } %exit } } Well, darn. He's changed his gecos field. It used to say just how } long his short sword is. Uh... let's see. We could try looking in the } Oracle's personal database of "Everything You Could Ever Want to } Know"... } } %oracledb } Welcome to the Oracle's personal data base! Version 4.67.21.8.1.1 } Enter '?' for help. } db> open personalities } The database "personalities" is now open. } db> query name=Sauron } Searching.......................................... } 1 match found... data follows: } Sauron. Bad dude living in Barad-Dur. Has a major problem with } his ego. Carries a big sword and likes to use it. Has a thing for } rings. entry ends } db>quit } database "personalities" still open... really quit? (n) y } % } } Hmmmm..... this is really frustrating. Well, we'll do it the } old-fashioned way and look it up in the } _833_Middle_Earth_Almanac_and_Book_of Facts_. Let's see... Sauron... } } Lusitania Mud Wrestling <*snicker*> } Saliva Sauron! Here we go. } Let's see.... } } "Sauron is the head of Mordor... blah blah blah... bad temper... } blah blah blah... Has a collection of beautiful swords." } } Ah-ha! } } "Sauron favors the longsword and bastard sword for most combat, however } he does own one special short sword that he keeps for use on } particularly nasty individuals." } } Well, you certainly seem to qualify. } } "This short sword is 2'3" long and has a camel engraved in the hilt." } } Well now, finally! So you must have transposed the digits when you } typed in your question. Probably explained by the blood all over the } keyboard which does make it hard to see what you're doing. } } Now with a 2'3" short sword with a camel-hilt and an extra-wide tang, } that puts the blade thickness at the maximum point of penetration at } almost a centimeter. That means, of course, that the size of the hole } in your heart would allow blood loss at a rate of three gallons per } minute. Now considering you've just been in mortal combat, your heart } rate... oh dear, this doesn't look good. If I'm right, and I am, then } you're-- } } Uh... Hello? You still there? Uh-oh. } } You'd better have put the Oracle in your will _before_ you died! --- 307-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Infinitely Wise and Groovy Oracle, Whose very parser routine I am > unfit to read, even in the form of a hex dump, I must ask You this > question. > > We all know what little girls are made of. What are big girls made of? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are a number of answers to your question, Supplicant, and you } can be sure I'll milk them as long as I can: } } Big girls are made of resentment and bitterness and a deep- } seated hatred for men, because their last boyfriend was real scum. } Or, they're made of carbon-based organic chemicals and water. } Or, they're made of a sexual union between a man and a woman } that results in an XX chromosome pair. } Or, they're made of a lot of little girls, all mashed together. } Or, they're made of really bad Oracle answers. I don't } quite know how that works, but it sure explains why there are so } many big girls... } } You owe the Oracle a big girl. --- 307-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and all-knowing oracle, what is the idea of a perfect > evening for a male oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's look at a copy of my daily itinerary. I remember that last } Saturday was a good day. } } 9:00 a.m.: Alarm clock starts to ring. } 9:05: Blast alarm clock with a 1 Terawatt lightning bolt. } 10:00: Wake up. Do the morning "motivational seminar" with Lisa. } 11:30: Take a bath. } (You would not believe the decor in my bathroom. My bathtub could } easily hold a medium size lake.) } 12:00 p.m.: Eat brunch. Belch. } 1:00: Examine the list of today's questions. } 1:30: Blast insolent questioners with lightning bolts. } 2:00: Play nethack. } 3:00: Answer the top ten questions. } 4:00: Feed the remaining questions into autooracle (tm) - my automatic } question answering program. } 4:30: Take a nap after a long day at work. } 5:30: Do the afternoon "motivational seminar" with Lisa. } 7:00: Shower. } 7:30: Eat dinner. Belch. } 8:30: Attend the Meeting of the Gods. } (We discussed the decline in the number of licensed nymphs last } Saturday.) } 9:00: Continue playing the World Politics Game with Zeus. } (We use real people in our games. Anything less would be trivial.) } 11:00: Critique the wines in Apollo's wine cellar. } (Apollo has terrible taste in wine. He always defers to my judgement.) } 12:00 a.m.: Take an anti-hangover pill. } 12:10: Do the midnight "motivational seminar" with Lisa. } 2:00: Sleep. } } So you see, my life is usually not very exciting. I work too hard too } have any fun. } } You owe the Oracle a fully licensed nymph. --- 307-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, oh Oracle, > wherefore art thou Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What light through yonder window breaks } has revealed the answer to your question: } } Being omniscient as well as nearly omnipotent, the } Oracle - through the miracles of modern technology - } is also nearing a state of omnipresence. This ever } watchful state was originally scheduled to be completed } in 1984, but George Steinbrenner and Lee Iaccocca got } involved and, well, things got a little sidetracked. } It's a good thing Orwell is dead, although he spent the } entire year spinning in his grave since he got none of } the royalties from the movie. Anyway, now that the } apparatus is nearly complete, Oracle-speak is soon to } become the standard. The arch-angel Trebek has already } begun societal indoctrination, teaching the populace } to instinctually speak in questions. Soon society will } be freed from the burdens of indecision and doubt. The } Oracle will be everywhere and all persons will simply } shout their questions into the air for an immediate } all-knowing reply of sage advice. Gone will be that } den of iniquity and corruption: Directory Assistance! } Information Booths will be smashed with bulldozers! The } current government will be exiled for "disinformation } crimes against the state"! Textbooks will be burned! } Libraries will be shut! "Information retrieval" will } become passe! Hail! Hail! Oracle-speak! } } And remember, it all began in Indiana. --- 307-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best, a PC compatible or a Macintosh ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A very good question. Let's find out shall we ? ... } } run SEXUAL_INTERFACES.PERSONAL_COMPUTERS } seduce(PC_compatible) } } output = Resturant, wine, movie (Godfather III), taxi, dancing, taxi, } home. upstairs, coffee, more wine, Billy Joel on CD, couch, } kissing, frienzied kissing, slow groping, fast groping, } tearing off of clothes, waterbed , cigerette, taxi. } } TOTAL COST = $211.45 TOTAL TIME = 4.6 hours. } } seduce(Macintosh) } } output = Alley, haggle, payment, motel, room, , payment. } } TOTAL COST = $45 TOTAL TIME = 1.2 hours. } } There you go then. For your average man on the run, with a limited } budget, the Macintosh is MUCH better. } } You owe the Oracle an intro to the hot little number that calculates } the weather. Talk about Input Compatability !! --- 307-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With great finesse and style...things that you obviously seem to lack. } } You owe the Oracle...... } (If you can be obtuse, so can I. Nyah!) --- 307-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a request of the Oracle, > Whose brains underneath his hair follicles, > Are renown for their zest, > Ne'er fail in the test, > And are priceless down to the last molecule. > > I've been struck by the curse of a witch, > I'm compelled by incredible itch, > To say not a word, > But by limerick be heard, > To say all, this being quite a hitch. > > I must search for the key to the spell, > Deal the wicked witch her death knell, > So please hear my plea, > And help set me free, > Or else, I must bade life farewell. > > Oracle, dear to my heart, > With this knowledge I pray thee part, > Cure me from this ill, > Help me the witch kill, > And help those who from her spells smart. > > And thus I must end this request, > Sent at my soul's own behest, > For truely I know, > How far you will go, > Not to fail when it comes to the test. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has heard your request, } And does not like being put to the test, } But with patience to guide, } He will spare your hide, } And give you the answer that's best. } } Now that witch has cursed you, that's true. } That was quite an evil thing of her to do, } It was mean and cruel, } To treat you like the fool, } And not altogether unfreindly, too. } } Now to fool that witches' evil plot, } Will take some work, quite a lot. } But if you hang tough, } It won't seem quite so rough, } And that witch will wither and rot. } } Now on with the heart of the plan, } Make sure you some sulphur at hand. } Wave your arms all about, } With a scream and a shout, } And blow the sulphur 'round with a fan. } } Now this is not the end, but don't worry, } Although you've taken away the glory, } Of some stupid witch, } Who was a cold-hearted bitch, } Because you owe the Oracle a story! --- 307-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, most exalted Oracle, even as your B.O. is the sweetest perfume, and > those annoying little balls of lint in your belly-button are the > softest of pillows, > > Why did they take a simple thing like a cabinet and call it a > "cupboard", when it is neither mug nor timber? And why does a rug get > referred to as "carpet", when it obviously isn't a domesticated animal > or automobile? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Flattery will get you nowhere. Just ask the oracle your question } and shut up. And no more asking the Oracle two questions at } once, either. The Oracle is in a good mood today, and will answer } both, but next time you ask two questions he may answer neither. } Or worse, the Oracle may provide two answers, but not tell you } which applies to which question. } } As any Rhode Island native will tell you, a "cabinet" is a drink } made with ice cream, milk, and flavored syrup, called a "frappe" } in the rest of New England and a "milkshake" outside the civilized } world. No-one calls a cabinet a "cupboard" anywhere that the Oracle is } familiar with, and the Oracle has travelled far and narrow. (The Oracle } will travel far and wide when his travel budget allows, or he } accumulates some more frequent flier miles). } } If you realize that the poor carpet on your floor is a devolved species } from a genus that includes such proud members as the Arabian Flying } Carpet (a sort of automobile) and the title character in the great } movie The Creeping Terror (a sort of domesticated animal), then the } word will make perfect sense. --- 307-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, mighty Oracle, who really is quite impressive: > > I've never pressed the F7 key. Should I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Foolish Mortals, you Never Learn.....don't you remember what happened } when you pushed the *Others*? } } F1: Hulk Hogan wins WWF title } F2: Dan Quayle gets Nomination for VP } F3: Saddam's Airforce gets Botulism from Bad Camel Milk, can't fly in } war } F4: ABC *almost* cancels Twin Peaks } F5: George Bush get irregular heartbeat, pissing off everybody watching } Star Trek, TNG. } F6: Sen. Kennedy's Ex-Wife's Sobriety Tester Tampered } } And *You* thought it was all a big coincidence. You *don't* } want to find out what happens when you press F7 key. Really. } } You owe the Oracle a keyboard with 12 function keys, so he can destroy } the world. --- 307-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Most Salubrious Oracle, who's scintillating contributions to > informational dissemination shall never wane, who's thesaurus always > falls open to the correct page and who will almost certainly answer my > feeble supplications with an Oraculatities winning entry.. Answer me > this. > > Why does my cat have such a limited vocabulary? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A man sits on a chair in a barren stark room. A spot light focuses on } him. His tie hangs loose around his neck, his collar unbuttoned. His } hair is disheveled and he is sweating profusely. His expression is } both harried and haunted, a cigarette dangling from his lips, numberous } butts on the floor around him. He takes a drag on the cigarette, then } speaks, hoarsly, quickly and nervously. } } "Do you have any idea? The pressure?" another drag on the cigarette } "The pressure to produce an Oracularities winning answer. Do YOU?? } And with a question like yours?" } } The man gets up, and paces nervously, the spot light expanding and } shifting to encompass him continually. The spent cigarette falls from } his lips. He immediately lights another. } } The man sits again, his face seeming to draw closer. "How could you do } this to me?? How could you? What did I ever do to you to deserve } THIS? I'm ruined! Finished! KAPUT! Do you realize what will happen } when word of this gets out?" } } He turns away and chain smokes several cigarettes in quick succession, } then turns back around. His expression is now frantic. He speaks } "Damn you! I hate you for this! I HATE you! Well, here's your } answer! I DON'T KNOW! i don't know... go ask the guru on the } mountain. he knows." The man's voice trails off in a pathetic, } dejected tone, and he turns away again, sobbing with his face burried } in his hands. } } Shortly, a beautiful woman walks in, puts an arm around the man's } shoulders, and attempts to comfort him. "There, there, Orrie," she } soothes. "It'll all be ok soon." She spares a moment to glance at } you, herexpression conveying her feelings more accurately than her } words ever could. You slink away, ashamed. } } You owe the Oracle a two valium, a week in a club med of his choice, } and a seminar on groveling for the uneducated supplicants.