From oracle-request Mon Jun 17 21:16:35 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 17 Jun 91 21:16:35 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #317 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 317 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #317 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 17 Jun 91 21:16:35 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 312 15 votes 12750 36312 16530 21453 26421 12354 11184 23325 15351 23343 312 3.1 mean 3.1 2.5 2.7 3.4 2.6 3.6 3.9 3.3 3.0 3.2 --- 317-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh great and wise oracle bestow your knowledge on me: > > what do females find most attractive in men??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O admirably practical-minded supplicant, your question is a little } broad; a mare finds light weight most attractive in a man; a hen is } partial to a man with a really big sack of chicken feed; a female } mosquito is attracted to a man with plenty of exposed skin, as is a } female leech; a Labrador retriever bitch is highly attracted to a man } who can routinely hit flying mallards with a shotgun; a female cat } likes a man with a fish. } } If you meant "women", what a woman finds most attractive in a man is } his ability to concentrate, on her, on cue, to exclusion of all else, } and especially to the exclusion of other women; however, this intense } focus must be maintained only when it is convenient to the woman, } otherwise the man possessing it is not allowing her enough space. } } Hope this helps. } } You owe the Oracle a Swiss passport. --- 317-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many licks does it take to get to the center of the > Statue of Liberty? > Ug. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As you are no doubt aware, the Statue of Liberty is hollow. Thus, if } you ride up the elevator, you can 'get to the center' with no licks } whatsoever. } } This incarnation of the Oracle doesn't believe in cop-out answers, } though. Even dealing with querents who go by the handle of Ug. I } assume that means that you're an undergraduate, but maybe that's just a } prejudice that comes from dealing with a few hundred too many } net.weenies. Anyhow... } } JR: This is Jerry Rivers reporting to you from the crown of the Statue } of Liberty. With me now is Doctor Ling from the People's } Munificient Republic of China. } ML: Rowr? Grorg. Mmf. } JR: Dr. Miu Ling has made the greatest contribution to science possible: } he's had his tongue amputated for science. He's given up any } opportunity to become a sleazoid TV journalist so that he could } develop this interesting device. Why don't you tell us about it, } doctor? } ML: Bkf R Dnt Hf r tnng } JR: Well, Dr. Ling isn't too clear, but I gather that this is some sort } of boring device that... } ML: Rurg! } JR: Er - the device is very interesting. Its purpose is to bore - in } the sense to penetrate. The interesting thing about this device is } that it does so using a tongue. Dr. Ling's tongue, hooked up to } this rotary motor, right? The purpose of the device was to figure } out how many licks it would take to get to the center of the Statue } of Liberty. } ML: Tur mmph drur mg sm rburb. } JR: Thank you, doctor. Now, initial estimates found that this process } would take a normal human about 200 years to do this. Dr. Ling's } device allows for 10 licks to a normal human's one. That's why he } refers to his device as the tongues-ten drill bit. } ML: Grurg. } JR: Like the doctor says, we're on the Statue's Crown, and so it makes } sense that our jokes will go over viewer's heads. Any how, let's } turn this thing on. } FX: click. slurp. slurp. } slurp.slurpslurplupluplupluplupluplupluplup... COP Hey, do you boys } have a license to use that disgusting thing on this great symbol of } our prominent nation? } JR: Doctor, do you have a licker license? } ML: Rurg. } COP Doesn't he talk? } JR: He's from the People's Munificient Republic of China. He thinks } you're trying to interview him and he wants to be paid. People from } the PMRC don't believe in free speech. Perhaps if you were to make } a small dona... } COP Listen. I don't want that _thing_ anywhere near the statue. It's } totally gross. Who knows what sorts of bugs live on it? } ML: Mmf. } JR: He says the drill is impervious to vermin and parisites. As he puts } it, it takes a tick-ing and keeps on licking. } COP: You can't talk to me like that! I'm taking you in! } JR: Can't handle a simple tongue-lashing? } COP: I'll lash YOU, why I ought to... } } 47,342,543 licks, give or take 50% depending on the tongue used. Only } 3 licks if the tongue belongs to Dr. Blasphemy, but unless you read } the wrong comics, you're not too likely to know what I mean... } } You owe the Oracle some taste-buds attuned not to 'saltiness' or } 'sweetness' but to 'lentil-soup-ness' --- 317-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Have you ever picked up a rubberband? Have you ever spoken swedish to > a cat, only to get no answer? Have you ever smiled at a pencil because > the ink was not your toilet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } /yes/no/no//incomprehensible question: } } ATTENTION: } Your request for information from "The Oracle" has been denied due to: } } 1) Psychotic non-syntactic query } 2) Brain Scan } 3) Vernacular: "Say what?" } } Please dial your attendant. } Please dial your attendant. } Please dial your attendant. } } Avagardro's Number is 6.03 x 10 (23). This is a "mole" Pass it on. --- 317-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, who makes the fearsome alley oop only worthy of > lowercase spelling in Your Might, take pity upon this poor supplicant > and enlighten his shaded mind. > > i took this correspondence course through soldier of fortune magazine, > see, and it taught me how to (in theory, anyway) become a professional > uuuhh, (gulp) hitman. anyhow, i put my ad in the jobs wanted listing > of the classified ads. to make it easy for people to get ahold of me, > well, the ad looked like this: > > ------ > is there someone getting on your nerves? let me kill them > for you. call at here> or drop me a line at > ----- > > anyhow, i am sending this from jail. i got two calls. the first was > for a job, the second was from the fbi. i managed to complete my first > job before the g-men caught me. anyhow, the question i wanted to ask > was do you know some way of attatching soap to some cord so i wont > accidentally drop it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I see they have been abusing you in prison, and you have resorted to } W.C. Field imitations to confuddle them: } } Attatcha-Attachez-Attachah! Don't bothah me boy! } } I wouldn't recommend doing this; the last thing you want to remind } these boys of is a great, smooth, pink, soft hawg, and believe me, I } once modified Drew McDermott's non-monotonic logic system to emulate } control of a hawg farm driven by an expert system. Actually, all it } ever said was, "Drew, you ain't got the brains god give a dern dawg. } An' Rupert, you ain't no brighter than a damn hawg. Ah' tole him to go } off to the tropical paridise, to the Mellifluous Isles, where fish are } two fer a penny and women two fer a fish, but no, y'all had to go to } MIT just fer that dagnab electron spin microscopy. Ain't got the sense } gawd give a hawg, dang it!" So, the system didn't actually emulate a } hawg farm so much as a hawg *farmer*, but what the hell, we always } expect superhuman performance from AI systems. In order to learn } something, you have to have almost forgotten it already. Planning in } the presence of uncertainty is too complex to be practical and } planning in the place of complexity is too uncertain to be meaningful. } } Your soap probelm is a special case of what in robotics is called the } "peg in hole" problem---except that in your case, you actually want to } avoid, er, solving this problem, since, er, (how do I put this?) you } aren't the peg (there). Every wonder why robotics guys work on the } "peg in hole problem"? And "compliant motion?" and "vibratory devices } to facilitate mating operations"? Well, the reason is they're all } ex-cons too. MIT tried to write a "Drop the soap" proposal to the NSF, } but found that rephrasing the abstract in terms of the "science base" } (now, can't you *Just Imagine* what that was before?) was a lot more } conducive to funding--despite the fact that, as we all know for } certain, most NSF directors just *love* to play drop-the-soap, every } chance they get. So, next time you drop the soap and those mean old } boys start up with that generalized damper crap and that compliant } motion stuff, just take a leaf from NSF's book: don't "Just Say No", } say "I'm sorry, but you'll have to talk with the cognizant budget } official; retroactive entry is only permissible after filing in } accordance with 24-56-12-stroke-B in the Drug-Free Workplace Act } Program Office Secretary's Director's Secretary Staff Placement } Office." Or is it the Free-Drug Workplace Act? Ooh, I love it when you } say "Stroke B". Aren't you glad you use Dial? Don't you wish } everybody did? --- 317-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, seer of The Big Picture, please tell me this: > > Is there any reason I should not give A's to all of my students? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm, this is a tricky question, because it depends a great deal } on your situation. I shall try to answer it for you and cover } as many combinations as possible. } } If your students are pre-high school: Sure. Who cares, and what } difference will it make ten years from now. } } If your students are in high-school: Probably not. They might } actually think they they are learning something. } } If your students are in college: } } Are they undergrads? If so, this depends on your status as to what } you can do. } } If they are undergrads then: } } A) if you are a Grad Student: Flunk them all, after all, you are } suffering, why not make them suffer too. Besides, they'll thank } you for it later. } } B) if you are a professor, but don't have tenure: Sure, give them } all A's. You need the good teacher evaluations. } } C) if you have tenure: Flunk them all. After all, you've earned the } right, plus you're only countering all those A's you gave out before } you got tenure. } } If they are Grad Students: Flunk them all. They are obviously not } suffering enough. } } Remember, better to be over-conservative than to be sorry. } } You owe the Oracle one ticket to the Kennedy compound for spring } break. --- 317-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose words brought the fall of communism, tell me: > Why is it that you often seem to give different types of answers. > Sometimes you seem to be Unix literate, other times you seem to prefer > VMS. Are you by any chance schitzophrenic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Am I schitzophrenic? I am the Zip Hitch Censor! I have the Zinc } Cherish Pot! My Chert Hop is Zinc! My Chest is Hip Or Zinc! I have } the Chic Thrips Zone. Hi, Zest Corn Chip! Christ, Pinch Zoe! Chronic } spitz, eh? It Cost Her Inch Zip! --- 317-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Howdy, most gracious oracle, who is really cool and neat and nice and > kind and all sorts of good gushy stuff! Tell me, please, what's the > percentage in being the Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was a dark and stormy night. A crack of lightning lit the sky. } The pirate ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless } crew, our heroes would get away clean into the night. } } "Resistance is useless!" laughed the captain evilly. } } "Oh John!" she said. } } "Marsha!" he said. } } "Oh John!" she said. "I'm not Marsha, I'm Jane." } } "Sorry, Jane. Go on, save yourself!" he said. } } "No, you go - leave me!" she said. } } "Go! I'll fend them off. It's your only chance!" he said. } } "Wait, I've got it," said the captain, "why don't neither of you } go, thus fending us off, thus allowing each of the other of you to go, } so that you can both go." } } "Aye, I'll go, if you're looking for volunteers!" said the first mate. } "I've alwayed enjoyed allowing totally random strangers to } gratuitously sacrifice their lives for absolutely no reason fending } people off so that I can get away clean by swimming to shore from } some unknown point deep in the Atlantic." } } "No, no, no. Stay here, and make sure HE doesn't leave!" said the } captain. } } Suddenly, a voice cried out: } "What's the percentage in being the Oracle?" } } Is this a trick question? I'm 99 and 44/100 % pure Oracle, } plus 56%% Ed McMahon. Be quiet and pass the popcorn. } } "No, that's not it," he said, "why don't we fend off each other, } sacrificing ourselves so that you can go! Go! Leave us! We'll fend } each other off. It's your only chance!" } } "I'll go, but I'll never forget you and your noble sacrifice! Goodbye } my beloveds!" said the captain, jumping overboard. } } And they rode off into the sunset, to live happily forever after. The } end. } } And now for something completely ethernet. --- 317-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orson. Come in Orson. Mork calling Orson. Come in your blimp ship. > > > % mail oracle@ork.egg.et < weekly.rpt And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } hmm, why am I getting this alien's mail, that really ticks me off } when people send to the wrong adress. } } oh well. } } forward orson@ork.egg.et } } and while I'm at it... oh darn where's my lightning bolt generator... } } ahh, found it! } } KAZAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP!!!!!! } } sorry Mork, your show is cancled. at least you can still go into } syndication. --- 317-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh scholar eating and uncomplicated Oracle, whose sexiness fills the > xeroxing void of computer nerds' lives as the light bulbs do brighten > the night sky, whose inkwell I am too prodigal to imprison, whose > shoulder I am not worthy to babysit, whose ribses are like unto > infinite foibles, grant me this morsel of your omniscience. > > What is "it"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At long last!!!! The question has been asked, the chosen one has } arrived!!! The prophesy is fulfilled, I am free to be one with the } universe!!! This is fabulous!! Great! Yeah! I bet you are wondering } what the hell I am talking about, right? Well, it all started a long } time ago... } } [Please crank the vertical hold on your monitor, to simulate a } flashback effect] } } A solitary man rides his grey horse through the mountains, approaching } Mount Olympus, home of the gods. Suddenly, a voice calls out. } } "Who are you to approach the home of the Gods" } } But the man remained unafraid. "Who's asking?" he sneered. } } "I am Nikkon, God of pictures, and protector of the Olympus Infinity. } No man may pass, without undertaking some task for me." } } "Big deal, so whaddya want me to do, mow your lawn or something?" } } "No, that is a task that I leave for my son, Cannon. Yours is a } different destiny. I shall give you absolute knowledge, and..." } } "Cool!" } } "...Shut up, I'm not done yet." } } "Sorry" } } "Anyway, and you shall use that knowledge to answer all questions } posed to you throughout time, until you are asked the one question } to free you from your task." } } "Well, what is it?" } } "Hmmm, yeah, that sounds like a good one. Sure, you shall remain at } your post until you are asked the question: 'what is it'." } } "So what happens then?" } } "Hmmm, I haven't though too much about that either. Well, let's say } that when you are asked that question, the person who asks it is forced } to take over your task, and you are free to roam the cosmos." } } "I like it, it shows a touch of panache." } } "So tell puny one, what is your name, that shall come to symbolize } knowledge throughout time and space" } } "I am known as J. Danforth Quayle." } } "Hmmm, no, that won't do, nobody will take you seriously at all. We'll } have to give you a new name. How about 'Fred'?" } } "No." } } "Bruce?" } } "No." } } "Big Eddie?" } } "No, I have a cousin named 'Big Eddie.'" } } "Well, then, I guess you shall be known as 'The Oracle' until we } can come up with something good." } } "Ugh, that's worse that 'Bruce'." } } "Well, tough luck." } } "So when do I start?" } } "Right now, you can open up a little shop in Delphi. Remember to } give clear concise answers now." } } "Yeah, yeah, whatever." } } [Adjust your vertical hold to do the back-to-the-present effect] } } So you see, I am now free of my onus so that...No, no, 'onus, ONUS' } get your mind out of the gutter. Anyway, I am free, and you must } answer all the stupid questions from these obnoxious supplicants } until you are asked the question, um, let me think up a good one. } } Ah, got it. You must remain the Oracle, until you are asked the } question, 'Where are my car keys?' } } } } There, now you know everything, good luck. If you need anything, I'll } be in Daytona Beach, working on my tan. Oh by the way, now that you } know the answer to 'What is "it"', it's pretty stupid, huh? Oh well, } catch you later. Hmm, now where are my car keys? --- 317-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wonderful Oracle whose mind sees beyond the limits of mere > mortal men. Who's life is so full of excitement that all of the 007 > movies pale in comparason. Who's knowledge of all things real and > sublime surpasses even the Great and Holy Encyclopaedia Britannica. > Who's insight is so deep that it takes scores of scholars years of > work to figure out the most basic intonements of cosmic angst > intertwined with the absolutely purifying thoughts of advanced advice. > Who's station in the universe is such that I tremble at the mere > thought of possibly offering up a question to your vast awareness. > Who's verbal word power is enough to set my thighs afire with passion! > Who's ancedotes throw my lithe female body into torrents of orgasmic > bliss! > > Mighty Oracle I MUST KNOW WHY.....uh....(*blush*).... > > ...sorry. I forgot what my question was. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's, uh, quite all right, sweetheart. Why don't you just stop by my } place after work and we'll see if I can jiggle -- er, jog your memory. } Maybe you're just too tense.