From oracle-request Tue Aug 13 09:37:25 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 13 Aug 91 09:37:25 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #334 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 334 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #334 Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" Date: Tue, 13 Aug 91 09:37:25 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 334-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky! There's a message in this bottle! } } Rocky: Gee, Bullwinkle, what's it say? } } Bullwinkle: Kinda hard to read... } } Rocky: Because it's in a foreign language? } } Bullwinkle: Nope. } } Rocky: Because it's in code? } } Bullwinkle: Nope. } } Rocky: Because it's faded from the sun? } } Bullwinkle: Nope. } } Rocky: Then why can't you read it? } } Bullwinkle: Nothin' there to read! } } Rocky: Hokey Smokes, Bullwinkle, it must be written in invisible ink!! } } Bullwinkle: Now why didn't I think of that? } } Announcer: Because you're a moose. Will our intrepid heroes be able to } decypher the mysterious message in the bottle? Tune in next time } for... } } INVISIBLE, INC. } } or... } } THE PRINTS AND THE PAPER! } } You owe the Oracle a complete collection of Rocky & Bullwinkle on VHS. --- 334-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh great, grand, mighty, magnificent, wise, wonderful Oracle: > > Why do people insist on posting to USENET without thinking before they > write? And afterwards, why can't they figure out why everyone wants to > flame them? > > -Your humble, honorable net-servant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To My Lowly Net-Slave } } Just because one can type on a IBM PS/2, does not mean one has } the ability to communicate intelligently. } } No matter how many apes one places in front of a type writer, } there is no chance that any of these apes will produce a copy } of the Complete Works of William Shakespeare. } } Dannon Yogurt, unlike USENET, possesses a living active culture. } } You owe the Oracle an IBM PS/2, the Complete Works of William } Shakespeare, and two containers filled with Dannon Yogurt -- preferably } blueberry. --- 334-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why are there never enough minutes in a day to spend > having sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Chronos, the God of Time has been suffering from impotence lately. He } decided that if he wasn't getting any, then nobody else would either. } } You owe the Oracle some old time in a bottle. --- 334-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Birds are very strange creatures. } They are attracted by a variety of things. } Bread Crumbs will bring them near and most birds are attracted } to water fountains but, the number one thing that attracts birds is the } bald spots on top of peoples heads. They are flying around just } trying to take aim at these glistening targets. } } The Oracles suggestion is to where a hat or buy a large supply of } towels. --- 334-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happened to Betty Page? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Betty Page I know (the one raised by slugs) had, as you know, } started a personal slug-vendetta when she came home to Wichita, Kansas } at the age of 31 from a remote slug farm in Arkansas, only to discover } that she was actually a member of the vile human race. Torn by the lie } her nurturing slug-parents had told her, she started her own business, } Salt-A-Slug. Since anything is commercialable in the United States, } the daily salt-a-slug fests became quite the national rage. So one } night the slighted slug population rose up and seized the city of } Wichita, Kansas, and kidnapped Betty Page. They shipped her to } Womslimba, the island of the infamous slug king Islithermen. She was } placed in a permanent trance and forced to sluggishly slave for the } slugs, having to grease the back of every slug who came to her. Betty } Page is still greasing slug backs, even as we speak . . . --- 334-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are the Illuminati always watching me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm - I note a distinct lack of abasement, which makes me } reluctant to accellarate my efforts to help you. I also } note a shortage of flattery, which I suppose means you're } not trying to sing your question. So why should I help you? } } Top 10 Oracular Cop-Out "Answers" to "what is nougat" } 10. What isn't Nougat? } 9. Peanut smegma. } 8. A mixture of corn syrup and agar-agar. } 7. Just like you were told by your peers as a young child, it's } monkeysnot. } 6. What querents who don't treat the Oracle properly get } turned into. } 5. Half an orangutang that's been tossed in a blender. } 4. Mayonaise that's been left out for too long. } 3. I don't know, but if you eat enough of it, you'll see Elvis! } 2. A cheap way to make a bigger candy bar. } And the number one Oracular Cop-out answer to the alleged } question "what is nougat" is: } 1. What the government makes from all those 15lb. blocks of cheese } it has sitting around in warehouses that it can't or won't give } away. } } Anyhow, I guess I'll answer your question anyhow, seeing as how } you took the trouble to punctuate it and capitalize it, unlike } the schmuck who asked me about the nougat. } } The Illuminati always watch everyone. It's their job as a world-wide } ultra-powerful conspiracy. So don't worry, it's just... Hmm, they do } seem to pay rather a _lot_ of attention to you, don't they. Maybe it } would be a good idea to listen in on one of their secret meetings... } } "...according to our meters. Somehow these people are achieving } incredible wisdom in spite of unremarkable auras. And this isn't an } isolated..." } "Do you think it could be drugs?" } "Well, many of the subjects are college students with access to the } usual array of mind alterants - but there's no common factor between } the subjects. Some are heavy users, other abstainers. There's just } no..." } "Actaully, it's the BBC controlling us from London." } "Are they all philosophy majors or something? Maybe there's some wave } of thought going around in disparate circles that we've missed } somehow..." } "Actually, most of them are computer science students." } "Personally, I suspect the Erisian Liberation Front of interfering } somehow." } "You're kidding. CS geeks, attaining fifth or sixth level } consciousness?" } "I don't understand it myself. They couldn't figure } out so much on their own. They know more than they should. Someone } must be feeding them information." } "But how could they be learning these secrets? We watch all those with } the knowledge. We keep track of who they speak to. We bug their } rooms. We tap their phones. We scan their mail. Who could be } granting them this wisdom? Who?" } } In the name of the widow's son, I put it to you: Who? } The first step of your initiation is now complete. --- 334-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have been troubled for many sleepless nights pondering this question: > Where did the "wildcards" get the names Bang and Squish, for "!" and > respectively? I humbly await your reply. I am forever your slave and > minion. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Last I heard, the single character wildcard was ? ("huh"), not ! } ("bang") } } As with many computer terms, "huh" and "squish" started out as } acronyms. Now people say "Bash Bang" all the time, but few remember } what the terms stand for. Sort of like most CS folk know RISC is chic, } but don't know what it means. Anyhow, here for your enlightenment: } } mnem sym Meaning/Comments } ---- - ---------------- } squish * Some Querents Unforgivably Irritate Supernatural Humans } So named because those querents who annoy the Oracle } tend to end up looking rather like that. About that } size, too. } huh ? Hang Up, Hoser } Historically, people who call up bulletin boards and } don't know what they're doing will hit the '?' key in } an attempt to get help. Those boards without help } facilities have traditionally responded to this key } with the above phrase. } bang ! Begin Another NewsGroup } So named because whenever posters start using too many } exclamation points, a flame war must be in progress, } and the only hope for sane posters is to form another } newsgroup where they can exist in peace for another } month. } snail @ Symbol Next (to) Address In Login } Refers to usage of the symbol in e-mail. } pound # People On Uppers Need Drugs } This acronym is probably apocryphal. It's certainly in } bad taste. This incarnation refers to the # as } "tictac", but no one understands this incarnation when } this incarnation does. They certainly don't understand } this incarnation's insistence on referring to this } incarnation's self in the third person all the time. } caret ^ Carets Always Represent Exponents in Text } and & Anders (is) Not Disney } Ask one of your dutch friends to explain this one. } twiddle ~ Two Worms In Delicious, Depraved, Libidinous Ecstasy } The less said about this one the better. } dot . Dead On Target } Term came from military. Specific origins classified. } bash \ Bi Annual Super Hero } Term used so much in rec.arts.comics that they decided } to use the \ symbol as an abbreviation } pipe | Poop In People's Ears } Reminder of the inherent dangers of redirecting output. } comma , Can (the) Oracle Make (up) More Acronyms? } No. --- 334-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did you hear something? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes I did, and it WASN'T me. } } Was that you, George? } "Wouldn't be prudent to comment...at..." } } Stick it, Mr. President. Er, Lieutenant, did you just...? } "Klingons do not, and if they did, you would KNOW it." } At ease, Lieutenant. } "I _am_ at ease." } } Forget it. Pepe, was that you? } "Non, but did you just see a lovely femme skunque pass by here? I can } still smell her..." } } Tank you bery much, Pepe. Pee Wee? } "Ha, ha, no, I'm still showing all the boys and girls the fun you can } have with number ones...." } } Oh, say it ain't so, Pee. } } Gee, who else could it be? Not YOU, I suppose. } } } I thought as much. } } Welp, the air is beginning to clear. It looks like whoever it was got } any with it. Oh, well, better luck next time. } } You owe the Oracle another can of Van Camp's. --- 334-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Splendifourous Oracle > HOW does one find one ROSE, and Where is the best place to LOOK? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How did *YOU* find out about the Ridiculous Oracular Simulation } Experiment? } } Oh, I see (since I am all-seeing and all-knowing). Never mind, THAT } computer will not bother you with rumors of such things again. I } gave it a permanent head crash. } } Since you know, I might as well tell you more. } } Your universe is nothing more than a simulation running on the Oracular } model i*pi computer. To find it, percieve your version of reality. } Looking implies just one of your senses. I did such a good job on the } simulation that you can not only look, but feel, smell, and hear it. } } You owe the oracle a simulated flower. --- 334-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O `grep ful /usr/dict/words` oracle, please tell me > > I'm not going to ask you "how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a > woodchuck could chuck wood" as you've answered this question far to > many times already. However, other mysteries from the animal kingdom > still puzzle me: > > How much beer would a bare bear bear if a bare bear could bear beer ? > > How many docks would a Doc duck duck if a Doc duck could duck docks ? > > How much booze would a loose moose lose if a loose moose could lose > booze ? > > Impatiently awaiting your answer.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Impatiently???? } } The Oracle does not approve of impatience. Now hurry up and grovel. } That's better. } } The Oracle also does not appreciate being called the following: } } fulcrum } fulfill } full } fullback } fully } fulminate } fulsome } } As well as many of the words that _end_ in 'ful'. However... } } (a) 13 gallons } (b) 2 per hour of rest } (c) 13 gallons, if the bear brought it and the duck didn't spill it } by crashing into the dock. } } You owe the Oracle 13 gallons of beer.