From oracle-request Sun Aug 25 12:23:08 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 25 Aug 91 12:23:08 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #340 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 340 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #340 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 25 Aug 91 12:23:08 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 335 14 votes 02651 14531 04550 24512 15260 04460 14252 22433 61223 41720 335 3.0 mean 3.4 2.9 3.1 2.8 2.9 3.1 3.2 3.2 2.6 2.5 --- 340-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose . . . er . . . well . . . this is my > problem: Where do I learn to grovel properly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you DO seem to have a problem there! Lord knows, anyone that } can't grovel effectively is at a real disadvantage these days! } } Let me see....I can think of ten really good ways to learn the art } of grovelling, most of which you can probably afford. They are: } } 1. When you get your next set of tax forms, get yourself a big red } crayon and write "EXEMPT" in big letters across it. Seal } carefully, mail, and expect to start grovelling real soon. } } 2. The next time you pass a biker bar, try to re-create those } hilarious scenes they always have in movies where the twenty } motorcycles all fall over like dominoes. You'll die laughing, } and you'll be amazed at the grovelling technique you pick up } doing this. } } 3. The next time your wife/girlfriend seems to be mad at you for } some unknown reason, instead of trying to figure out why, just } say "Honey, have you gained weight?" Get ready for a trip to } grovel city! } } 4. When a cop pulls you over and asks to see your license, look } him straight in the eye and say "Are you SURE you want to see } my license, bucko?" Sometimes you won't even need the "bucko", } but better safe than sorry. } } 5. Call up the local kung-fu school, tell them your address, and } then tell them that you are POSITIVE that Bruce Lee was } actually a woman and you STRONGLY SUSPECT that all kung-fu } types are too. This one will have you grovelling with the best } of them in no time! } } 6. Order a copy of Dan Quayle's upcoming autobiography, } "Grovellers Like Me: How to Get the Job You Want by Really } Begging For It" } } 7. Sit yourself down in front of your TV, get a good IV going, and } watch 72 hours of the "Home Grovelling, er, _Shopping_ } Network". An acceptable substitute would be the local public } television station during "pledge week" , though I'd make it } 183 hours of that. } } 8. Move in next door to a professional wrestler, call up Dominos } Pizza and have four hundred and twelve pizzas delivered to his } house, and then go over there and tell him you figured that was } the only way a human could _maintain_ a gut the size of a } Volkswagen Beetle. } } 9. } } And, (drumroll, please) the EASIEST and BEST way to learn the } "art of the grovel" is: } } 10. Read some of the other posts, you bonehead!!!!!!! } } You owe the Oracle one prescription for a jumbo tube of "Carpal } Tunnel Syndrome" medication, and a new keyboard. } } pkf --- 340-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I think that people of high rank should be larger than ordinary people. > So, like, a mayor should be about eight feet tall and weigh 300 > pounds, and a senator should be about twelve feet tall and weigh maybe > 700 pounds, and President Bush should be about thirteen feet tall and > just under two tons. How can this best be accomplished? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rewrite the job requirements, including your height and weight } preferences and getting rid of the species restrictions. Grizzly bears } would make fine mayors, at least as good as Sonny Bono. Resurrect the } Bull Moose party and run a bull moose for the Senate. Since the G.O.P. } already has a stranglehold on the presidency, why not an elephant? } As for enlarging George Bush himself, just set him next Dan Quayle, } John Sununu, and whoever the Democrats run in '92. He'll seem plenty } big. --- 340-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh splendiferous Oracle, do tell me this, please. How could I get into > Yale? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, ye foorst moost break the law, and then ye will } be arrested. The nice officer should take ye to Yale. } } You owe the Oracle a Swedish meatball, wearing crotchless panties. --- 340-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now, how will a rich man get into heaven? And then, how will I become > a rich man? And, after all, how will I avoid getting cramps in my > intestines while getting rich? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How to get a rich man into heaven. (the back door method) } } Use your amassed riches to perfect a method of shrinking the human body. } Then, using this newly developed technology, have yourself placed into } the stomach of a handy camel and pass him (and yourself) through the eye } of a needle. Now you and the camel should be in the kingdom of God. } Wait for the camel to eliminate you from it's body and use the } technology to once again regain your former size. Let the camel worry } about the intestinal cramps. } } (if you achieve this, you _deserve_ to enter heaven, rich man or not.) } } The Oracle wonders whether even heaven is worth this mode of } transportation. --- 340-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who cureth hangnails with a bounce of the baton, answer this I > beseech you.... > > Do I need a license to carry a staple gun in Massachusetts? And by the > way, what _is_ it about that Paul Tsongas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My Child, } } You do not need a license to carry a staple gun, provided it is not an } electric staple gun. If it is an electric model, you must obtain two } licenses, one for the gun and one for the staples. You are not } permitted to carry the electric staple gun inside Boston city limits, } but it's Okay in Maulden provided you are not near the T. You are } required to go through a seven day cooling off period, after which your } genitals are checked. If they are cool enough, you may purchase the } electric staple gun. You are not permitted to have an extension cord at } the same time. If at any time you violate local code with your staple } gun, the gun will be removed by the local city counsel and you could } face a substantial fine. A violation of local code could be anything } from stapling something to the thighs of an overweight woman to putting } up posters which are deemed obscene - say the Monkey's Reunion Tour. } Remember, electric staples guns don't kill people. People have to kill } people by stapling all of their orifices shut and waiting a surprising } length of time. } } For a small historical note, under the "Willy Horton Amendment", you } can freely purchase a fully automatic, dual clip, gas powered, military } issue M-16 with Laser Sight and authentic "Desert Storm" camouflage } paint and two extra banana clips for the low low price of $49.95, } provided you are a recent felon out on furlough and completely } psychotic. There is no license required, no cooling off period, and you } get a dozen James "The Bear" Brady targets thrown in, if you are one of } the first one hundred customers. Be the very first on your block to be } convicted of a violent crime then let go because our criminal justice } system is too harsh and you really need to find your space, then roam } the streets, killing anything that moves with your new Massachusetts } Issue Automatic Assault Rifle (did I mention the bayonet ? ). Add that } special touch to the nearest public school playground, and just in time } for Christmas ! } } Paul is a sensitive child, going through some difficult times. He needs } to locate his inner self and get in touch with his feelings. If that } doesn't work out, we'll try lots of ludes. Have a nice day, and be } careful out there. } } You owe the Oracle a poke in the whiskers with Mom. --- 340-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle wise and mighty beyond compare, I beg of you: > > Will Rogers? > > Or WON'T Rogers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He'll try, but he can't. --- 340-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold-400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What was that good idea I had again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You had planned to get half a dozen guys together, get the army and the } KGB, make Mikhail hand over power to you all, and then set up a USSR of } peace, prosperity, freedom, wild sex, and spiritual enlightenment. --- 340-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise and Most Powerful Oracle, whose voice is like Thunder, > tell me the answer to the question that troubles my mind: > > Is K-Y jelly made in Kentucky? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wah SHOOOORE it is, boy, SHOOOOR it is! Y'all come right over HEEuh by } me, an' set yuhself down heah on the veRANda, an' ah'll tell y'all } about it. Have a Mint JU-lep? Recipe's been in mah family for 10 } generations! Ah say, TEN generations! Aaaaaah! That shoor does make } body feel to home, don't it? Ah say, DON'T it?! Listen tuh me when } ah'm talking to yuh, boy! (This boy's a few bricks short of an } outhouse, if yuh get mah drift.) What's that yuh say, boy? KY Jelly? } Wah of COURSE that's made in KenTUCKy, boy, of COURSE it is. Mah } grand-pappy BEAUregard made KY Jelly all his born days, and never } regretted it for a moment! A good God-fearing occupation for a good } God-fearing man, that's what grandmammy allus said. What's that you } say, boy? Homo-who? Anal WHAT!?!!? } } Sirrah! Y'all have insulted mah GRANDpappy, and heah on the very } verandah that he built! Ah shall have no choice but to hosswhip you } like the carpet-baggin' scoundrel that you are! Now, lemme see, } wheah'd ah leave that hosswhip? Hmmm... hossradish? hosschestnuts? } coolwhip? AH! Heah 'tis. } } Boy? BOY!? Ah say, WHEAH'D YOU GIT TO, BOY?!? } } Hrmph. Young'uns t'day got no respect for 'thority! } } Y'all owe the Oracle three tubes of blue-grass flavor K-Y Jelly. --- 340-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best position described in the Kama Sutra ?????? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The best position is "Assistant bathmaiden to the god Kama," which -- } aside from the usual Celestial pay scale (which is, well, heavenly) and } the benefits package (which include next-life insurance), has some } rather interesting perquisites. --- 340-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When, where, how, why, and what? > > -Guillermo P. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now, here, massive coronary, no grovelling, your imminent demise. } } -Oracle T.U.