From oracle-request Mon Oct 21 09:16:35 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 21 Oct 91 09:16:35 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #360 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 360 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #360 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 21 Oct 91 09:16:35 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 360 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 355 26 votes 08873 14a83 36962 04b83 68912 17972 06992 29960 0078b 14a65 355 3.2 mean 3.2 3.3 2.9 3.4 2.4 3.1 3.3 2.7 4.2 3.4 --- 360-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O h what a beautiful name that > R asps in my throat as I pronounce it > A nd how heavenly the sound it is! > C ould you possibly imagine a more > L oving and respectful > E arful of grovelling such as this? > > Say, dude... aren't you worried that Lisa might bring a sexual > harassment suit against you? Some of the innuendo that passes for > titilation on this Oracle line is pretty raw stuff. > > What think, kemosabe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, if Judge Thomas can get away with it, then so can I. --- 360-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise, witty, wonderful Oracle, whose hovercraft most certainly > is not full of eels except when you want > it to be, please tell me: > I finally got Jennifer to go out with me...now what do I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, dear, another one of these. OK, follow these steps carefully: } } 1. Take a bath. Yes, this involves actually allowing the water (and } soap, too) to contact your skin. People survive it all the time. Wash } your hair, although the Oracle realizes you may need to use ArmorAll } rather than shampoo this time around. } } 2. Get new clothes. I realize that having blue jeans that stand on } their own makes it easy to get dressed, but get something a bit more } stylish. New shoes (without holes; new ones come that way) and a shirt } that actually has buttons, sleeves, and no pens in the pocket would be } nice as well. } } 3. Pick a place to take her to dinner. I strongly suggest you avoid } pizza places and Chinese places (unless they put tableclothes on the } tables); I realize this may mean you have to expand your selection of } restaurants from those that deliver at 12:30am. } } 4. Engage in entertaining conversation. In particular, DO NOT BRING UP } THE FOLLOWING TOPICS: Computers (of any form), science fiction (of any } kind), or role-playing games (of any type), unless she has already } expressed an honest and deep interest in those topics. You might } consider reading something that actually has some vague literary merit, } if you can spare the time from working on your latest YACC } optimization. } } 5. Now, you have to make a decision. Are you interested in a quick } night of sex, or actual romance? Continue below as appropriate (it's } just like a flow chart, so don't sweat it): } } 5a. Quick sex: I strongly suggest investing in a bottle of RealMan (tm) } Genuine Spurious Aphrodisiac Powder. Put some in her drink when she's } not looking. By the time you get her back to her place, she'll be } ready to haul you upstairs, tear your clothes off, and screw your } brains out for hours. (You may have to think fast if she lives with } her folks.) Unfortunately, she'll be so ashamed of herself in the } morning that she'll refuse to see you, but that accomplishes the goal, } hmmm? } } 5b. True romance: Repeat 1-4 as necessary. } } You owe the Oracle an invitation to the wedding or baby shower, } whichever comes first. --- 360-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great, oh so wise, oh so 'Long Dong Silver'ish one. > > Why did Anita Hill come back and haunt me? When I asked you many years > ago: > > > Hey, is it ok if I sexually harass one of my special assistants? > > You replied: > > } Sure! GO ahead, no one will ever find out and she will probably never > } become famous, or you for that matter, so no one will look into it > } Oh, try the 'Pubic Hair in my Coke joke' right now. Just march right > } out of your office and proclaim that. Trust me, no one will ever know > } And she will never have the courage to come out and admit it. > > Well, great! She came out and admitted, right in my confirmation > hearing too! So how am I going to survive this, although I am now a > Supreme Court Justice, I think my marriage is going down the tubes and > frankly, I don't think I will be able to walk in public again or have > any credibility. Will they find out I am actually working for the WAAA, > Whites Against African Americans. I mean, will they find out I am pro > segregation and pro-slavery? Tell me oracle! > > -Supreme Court Justic Clarence Thomas And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because...*as the Oracle rips off his latex mask to show that he looks } _just_like_you_* I'm not the Oracle after } all, I'm your evil twin Skippy! I did this to destroy you. I want to } make you _suffer_. After all, that's my } job...see, here's my contract, signed by NBC, ABC, CBS, PBS, and } CNN...it saved them _loads_ of money because } they just stuck cameras in Congress and didn't have to make any new TV } shows for the whole weekend. Of course, } I will now tell Jesse Jackson about your membership in WAAA, too... } My advice to you is to grab your ankles, relax, and pray that it } doesn't hurt too bad... --- 360-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the most common digit in the binary expansion of Pi? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 0, of course. } } Well, if you expand Pi in binary form, you'll come across a whole lot } of 0's and 1's and an occasional 2. The 2's are obviously errors since } they don't appear in binary expansions. As for the 1's, look at it this } way: After retracing your steps to get rid of the 2, you'll compute } several thousand more 0's and 1's before coming across another 2, or } perhaps a 3, which indicates another error, and hours of backtracking } and recomputing. Eventually you will tire of these errors and stop } computing. } } By then you will have listed several million 1's, but omitted } mentioning an infinite number of 0's. Thus since you've only a finite } number of 1's, but still forsee an infinite number of 0's (this is } known as the dark-matter theory of Pi) you will thereby conclude the } 0's outnumber the 1's. } } But that's irrational, you say? Well, so's Pi. } } You owe the Oracle a half-empty glass of air. --- 360-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracke, I have a question on human pyschology. Why is it that > a typo or a spelling mistale makes someone seem so stpid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's like this: } } A typo implies a lack of attention on the part of the writer. Now why } do you have so much trouble paying attention to your thoughts? Because } your thoughts are boring to you. There is nothing in them to interest } you, therefore you cannot pay attention. Why do you think thoughts } that so totally disinterest you? Because you have a lack of self } esteem. If you find yourself on your knees as Dan Quayle approaches, I } rest my case. Is this because you are ignorant, clueless, and horribly } deformed? No. The reason you are constantly cleaning your lunch off } your mirror is that you see no purpose to your existence. } } The only other reason you could have for making a typo is that you were } hurried. } } Most people (excluding zen masters) assume the worst, which is the } first reason. Anyone who would make a typo for the first reason is } obviously stupid. QED. --- 360-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh help me Oracle, I'm going to have an orgasm right here in the > computer rooooooom. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Buried underneath a virtual mound of correspondence, the Oracle sighs } deeply, once again caught in a moment of reverential whimsy as he } contemplates the perverse and difficult ways of those strange human } creatures it his patient and time-exponential duty to guide, as gently } as possible, onto the Path That Is Wisdom, and wonders, somewhat idly } WHY THE HELL THEY CAN'T BLOODY WELL DO WHAT THEY'RE TOLD!! } } Now, listen here, my good little fjordling, and listen well, because } there is a damn fine reason why orgasms are not allowed near computer } equipment, and I'm going to tell you what it is. This will involve a } little cultural anthropolgy, so wipe that smile off of your face, } because whether you realize this or not, you are for once involved in } something far, far, bigger than yourself. } } By way of introduction, have you never wondered what happened to all } the magic in the world? Your literature is flooded with tales of spells } and incantations, demons and sorcerers, wild magic, fairies and elves. } And yet, and yet, take your head out of that copy of "Biker" magazine } for just a few moments and even you will notice that your world today } is dull, drab, and dreary, run by small-minded bureaucrats with no } sense of fun, incapable even of enjoying the simple pleasure of a game } of MouseTrap (tm). } } The explanation is this: in ancient times, two essences inhabited your } world, opposing forces held in paradoxical tension, cohabiting uneasily } with one another in an unstable equilibrium. These essences have been } given many names in the past: right and left, good and evil, order and } chaos. Humankind are prone to make such value judgements, and to think } that one of the opposing forces, usually whichever they happen to be } labelling "good" at the time, as inherently superior to its opposite. I } wish to avoid any such prejudices with which your childhood culture has } doubtless inculcated you, so I shall name simply "yin" and "yang". You } may think of "yin" as order and "yang" as chaos. Yin is structure, law, } government. Yang is fluid, magic, freedom. } } In ancient times then, yin and yang, order and chaos, existed in a } sullen truce. Those in which the spirit of yin predominated formed } communities, made laws to abide by, appointed judges and police } officers to enforce them, and called themselves civilized. Those for } whom the call of yang proved irresistable, kept mostly to themselves, } weaving their silent magic in the Earth's secret places. } } But it is the way of civilization that it must conquer and this is } neither good nor bad as you understand it, merely a fact, just as it is } a fact it is in the nature of magic to resist the encroachment of that } order upon it. And so things stood until about 1200 years ago. } } At that time, in the land now named Ireland, a great manifestation of } yin appeared, and the manifestation was named Bailey. It is related in } The Book of Kells, that Bailey sought to destroy the essence of yang, } for it is is in the nature of yin that it is shortsighted and does not } understand the reliance it has upon its opposite, which is why you can } never get XWindows to run at a reasonable speed on any machine that } anyone could ever afford. } } But the voices of yang spoke to Bailey in a dream and made this fairly } plain to him, and so his purpose was deflected so that he resolved } eventually to merely contain yang and keep it in one place, where he } could keep a very close eye on it indeed. And after much striving, } tells the Book of Kells, he succeeded. And Bailey stored the captured } essence of yang in a bottle. And the force of yang, of fluid and magic, } was much weakened in your world, and the force of yin, of order and } literal-mindedness was correspondingly strengthened. } } And two things happened. } } The first was that as order and structures predominated, your current, } drab, dreary, fast-food, electronic, space-age, whizzbang, conservative } American, ultimately doomed (take it from Me) culture developed, } culminating in its ultimate expression, the computer, which only ever } does what you tell it to, which is so complicated that no individual } truly understands all its complexity, that props up the wildly } out-of-control forces of law and order that underpin your sick, } unbalanced society. } } And the other was that Bailey's Bottle disappeared. } } But very shortly after that, someone started making Bailey's Irish } Cream, a smooth, wondrous drink, whose restorative powers are legend, } whose seductive wiles are myriad, whose magic is deep and tempting. } } Now, these last 1200 years, the spirit of yin has been largely } unopposed, and it has multiplied its powers exceedingly, so that now, } the amount of order and literal-mindedness contained in a single Sun } workstation running O/S 4.1 is equivalent to all the order that Bailey } and the generations that preceded him could ever have imagined. And all } this time, the makers of Bailey's Irish Cream have perfected their Art, } shielding against the cyclone of yin their one tiny flame of yang, } waiting for the time when balance can be restored, slowly, patiently, } waiting. } } Because it is very, very important that this be done carefully. For can } you, sitting there in your foolish mortal ignorance, even faintly } comprehend what might happen if that much yin and yang were ever } allowed to come into *direct unshielded contact*??? Lab Technicians } understand this. Alcohol is expressly forbidden in all laboratories, } just to make sure. But you, you, you will court disaster, insisting on } having your cocktail/programming nights, won't you? Go on, tell me how } you make an orgasm? Feel very foolish now, don't you, because the light } has finally dawned upon you that in addition to the whipped cream, the } dash of aniseed and the two nips of Cointreau, the main ingredient of } an orgasm is...well, which seductive, wily, tempting drink from Ireland } do you think I'm talking about, eh? Now, GET OUT OF THAT LAB, PRONTO! } } You owe the Oracle a flaming lambourghini, mixed with Sambucca, and } affordably priced. --- 360-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: Number 1 (also known as The Usenet Oracle) > From: Number 2 > > Subject: Number 6 is still making troubles > > We have serious problems with Number 6. He refuses to cooperate, > tries to escape, he does not give us any information, and he keeps > running around shouting "I'm not a Number I'm a free man!". > > We've tried everything we had. Nothing works on him. What should I do > > Signed > #2 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear No. 2 (more like #10 if you ask me . . . ), } } Sorry to hear about the problems with No. 6; he's always been rather } rebellious, hasn't he? } } I agree that something should be done, and quickly, before he foments } any dissatisfaction. A pacification would be best. } } Ah! A brilliant idea! Guess that's why they pay me the big bucks, } huh? Why don't you tie him down in front of a TV set, turn the dial to } the public broadcasting station and do one of two things: } } 1) Force him to endure long hours of pledge breaks until he } breaks down and begs to be re-educated. } } 2) Force him to make sense of the plot of "The Prisoner." } } I urge you to use that last method only as a last resort. Only those } who are uniquely mentally trained, such as my magnificent Self, can } decipher the plot of "The Prisoner" without losing substantial higher } cognitive function. } } Hoping that this works at last, } Yours Truly, } the Usenet Oracle, a.k.a. No. 1 } } P.S.: If he still gives you trouble, make him watch "Let's Make a } Deal." Of course, he won't be much use to anyone after that, but at } least he'll be quiet and tractable, and he should only drool } intermittently. Hm. Sounds a bit like a lobotomy, doesn't it? } } You owe the Oracle at least two hours of Dr. Who tapes without pledge } breaks. --- 360-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most multicellular, infinitely wise and wonderful, just generally > all-around neato-keen Oracle, whose very > cursor I am not fit to be blinked at by, please tell me: > Is there more to life than sex and chocolate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nope. --- 360-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most omnipresent, whose twice powerful (see question) personna > is too great to even comprehend, please tell me :- > > Why in recent ocularities have I seen a disturbing trend which would > appear to signal a possible take over bid by one trying to impersonate > your omnipotent self. That is ..... some of the replies have contained > ZAP (tm), whilst others have contained ???? Does this mean that > there are in fact two of you ? Or is it just Lisa having us all on (I > should wish !!!!) ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You dare to question the Oracle's methods, puny mortal? } } } } ZAP } } Any one else have a question? --- 360-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What sort of people watch "American Gladiators" and why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The same kind of people as watched the Roman Gladiators, } and for mostly the same reasons. And you think you've made } progress in the past two thousand years. } } You owe the ORACLE a few missing legions.