From oracle-request Sat Nov 16 09:31:37 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 16 Nov 91 09:31:37 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #373 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 373 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #373 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 16 Nov 91 09:31:37 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 373 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 368 30 votes 0449d 16887 2158e 044e8 17985 2a981 5c931 248b5 39576 0a767 368 3.4 mean 4.0 3.5 4.0 3.9 3.3 2.9 2.4 3.4 3.1 3.3 --- 373-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, whose eye boogers I'm not fit to stare at, please answer me > this mundane, yet puzzling question: > > Why is it that when you're in a hurry, it always seems as though you > hit every red light? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Foolish mortal! You're not supposed to HIT the red lights, you're } supposed to STOP at them. Next time, heed the little printed warning } on the back of your tacky cardboard sunshade, and remove it from the } windshield before driving! Where did you get your license, anyway? } } Oh, New Jersey? That explains a lot. } } You owe the Oracle a decent public-transit system. --- 373-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great, wonderful, spiffy, fluffy, soft, furry, Oracle... > > Why can't I buy the creamy center without the twinky? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah. Another problem that hath vexed man for the ages. } } This dilemma encompasses many other snack-time treats as well, such as } Little Debbie Swiss Cake rolls, and even the King Don's. } } The creamy centers of all these 'afternoon snack cakes' are taken from } the same mine shaft in south-east asia (I forget the country, they all } change names, borders and governments so often that even the Oracle } has trouble keeping them straight). Long ago this stuff was widley } available in it's raw, purest form. } } One day a U.S. Senator, deprived of this awesome substance as a child, } decided that no other teens should be exposed to any substance that } would give them enough energy to leave the sofa and actually enjoy } themselves. After all _he_ grew up doing nothing but reading the } works of our founding fathers ans studying Latin. All children should } grow up _his_ way instead of shooting baskets or playing freeze tag. } } So, he banned this substance fromall US imports. Seeing that an } entire market would dry up, this substance had to be hidden from the } every wary supermarket shelf patrols, they encased the nectar in } spongy cakes. In case the Senator saw through their scam, the new } products had to withstand years in warehouses while lawyers could } fight the legislation blocking their sale. As a bonus, the new mutant } cake created was able to withstand any xray scanning US customs could } give them. } } Though this Senator has long since left office, and most parents care } little what their kids eat or drink, this import ban could probably be } lifted any day. But I'm sure Congress is too tied up with justifing } their own existence these days to bother. Unless, of course they get a } pay raise out of it. } } You owe the Oracle limits on terms in both Houses of Congress. --- 373-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, why do Orange tic-tacs have more calories than other > tic-tacs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE CENTRAL: This sounds like a job for the Very-reliable } Prognosticator. Get the VP on the line, immediately... } } [Suddenly, at OT&T (Oracular Telephone and Telegraph) the } oracular message swithing network (version 2139198232.0.0 } installed yesterday) goes off line... traffic signals fail, } deities collide in mid air, inter-dimensional travel is shut } down, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!CHAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] } } [One minor result of this chaos is the misdirection of the the } above oracular request...] } } AIDE OF THE VP: Hey, somebody get his little majesty over here. Some } idiot asked him another question. } } [In walks the VP wearing an expensive blue suit, white shirt, } red tie, and Hop-Along Cassidy secret decoder ring. A small } carrot protrudes from each of his ears.] } } VP: Hi guys! I'm ready for Dan Rather now! Just let him ask me a } toughie, I'll just duck the question by pretending I can't hear } him through the carrots. Brilliant, eh? } } AIDE: (in a monotone voice) Yes sir. } } VP: Now Jim, how do we address the vice president of the United } States? } } AIDE: Yes sir, your supreme majesty, whose carrots I am not worthy to } pick. } } VP: That's better. Now what's up? } } AIDE: Some mere citizen requests that you to answer a question. } } VP: ... requests that WHO answer the question? } } AIDE: Some mere citizen requests that YOUR MAGNIFICENCE deign to answer } his lowly question. } } VP: That's better. Proper grovelling is a must in Washington. Give } yourself a 25 cent per week raise. } } AIDE: Thank you... your gross gratuitousness. } } VP: Very good. Now let me see the question.... Orange tic-tacs?... } WHAT! NO GROVELLING! I mean the "O great Oracle," is a good } start. After all, I did predict the end of that recession thing. } But nothing more. I don't think I'll answer this question } although I AM perfectly capable. } } AIDE: But sir... great, big, throbbing sir, you MUST answer it. It } could be another test from you know who, checking to see if you } are on the ball enough for another four years. } } VP: Oh. Well, OK. Take a memo. } } AIDE: Yes, your flatulence. } } VP: To whom it may concern: I am ready willing and able to live up } to the duties of the vice presidency. I have completely overcome } that carrot problem, and am ready to tackle the tough questions } facing this country. For example, why do ORANGE tic-tacs have } more calories than other tic-tacs, say red, white, and blue ones? } } That's simple. Because the only people who eat ORANGE tic-tacs } are communists! Just look at that sickle think on the Russian } flag -- ORANGE! And we all know what happens to communists: they } have to wait in long lines for vegetables, their walls fall down, } and they can't build a coup, chicken or otherwise, worth a damn. } } Sign it, "THE Vice President of the Unites States, now and } forever, J. Danforth Quayle!" Send that out TODAY! } } AIDE: Yes, may your neurons someday fire, SIR! --- 373-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wondrous Oracle, whose PC never has IRQ conflicts, whose files > are never corrupted, whose power supply is never interrupted, > whose operating system is greater than Windows and OS/2 combined, > please tell me: > > Where did I park my car? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, hmm. Good question. Lemme check the ol' crystal ball. } (You didn't think I logged onto my Internet resources for *everything*, } did you? Come on, even -I- get nostalgic occasionally.) } } [ Gaze gaze gaze... spray spray, rub rub... gaze gaze gaze ] } } Hmmm, here we go! Lesse, you left it in the parking lot to } "Big Rod's Adult Mags and Implements" ten hours ago. Just look for } the car with the headlights left... er, oh wait, oops. } } It's in aisle 4, three cars in. } } You owe the Oracle the jumper cables when you're done with them. } Mine froze and broke last winter. --- 373-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do squids have sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm tempted to say "very carefully" ,but that would be the easy way } out. Actually,the answer is quite simple...... } } first,the male squid puts on his best tuxedo. } Then,the female squid wears her best perfume (eau de rotting fish) and } dresses quite sexily. } } The male,upon meeting the very sexy female,asks her to dance. } They dance and he moves all of his arms all around her body until she } either slaps him ar invites him home. } } Then,with a Johnny Mathis album playing at her home,the squid join } together by entwining arms and inking each other until orgasm. } } A typical encounter sounds like this : } } "I'm gonna ink! I'm gonna ink!" } "Don't ink yet! I'm not ready to ink!" } "Don't worry babe,I have lots more where that came from" } "Oh,shit,you inked inside of me! And I'm not wearing my diaphragmclam" } } and so it goes in squidville.... } } You owe the Oracle 3 minutes of sexual gratification. --- 373-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116@oasis.icl.co.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, my darling, > > You are the most handsome man in the universe and beyond. > I am the most beautiful woman in the universe and beyond. > > Will you marry me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course, my sweet! For I have known our love was destined since the } beginning of time. Being the Oracle, how could I but know? } } But the path of true love is never smooth, and so it is in our case. } For you know our parents would never approve. Let me show you a } glimpse of the future should we plan to wed: } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } We will invite our families together and announce the engagement. } } Instantly, your father will jump up and yell "How can you marry that } lazy bum?!? He doesn't even have a real job! Where are you two going } to live?" } } You'll try to tell him of my fabulous infinite-room estate on the Higher } Planes, but he'll have none of it. "Bah," he'll grumble, "I know his } type, you'll end up in a box on the street, mark my words!" } } At that point my father will spring to my defense. "The only reason my } son would even consider marrying your tramp of a daughter is because she } got him all worked up and then wouldn't give him one until after the } wedding!" } } Well, there's no way your mother would stand for that, so she'll reach } into her handbag and pull out that magnum, and promptly shoot my dad } right between the eyes. } } My mother, in retaliation, will cover the entire earth in a rain of } frogs, and then will convert all the major landmasses to jello pudding. } She is not a woman to be trifled with. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } So, though it breaks both our hearts we must stay apart. Like Romeo and } Juliet, Vincent and Catherine, and Ronald Reagan and intelligence, we } are doomed to strive ever towards each other but never quite connect. } } Of course, this doesn't mean we can't slip into a cheap motel room every } now and then for a bit of fun. } } You owe the Oracle a honeymoon. --- 373-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most wise, humble, yet just Oracle, > > What should you do if someone really annoying always follows > you around? > > Thoroughly Pissed!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What a context-sensitive query... Well, just to get oriented, go to } your local video store and rent "Goldfinger"; it contains several useful } tips. If you don't have an Aston-Martin, you could consider a knee to } the groin, or one week on an all-garlic diet. Depending on the gun laws } in your state, solutions to your problems may be available at your local } sporting goods stores in a variet of gauges and calibers. How about } getting a dog? Rottweilers are good for this application, and have the } added advantage that this fact is not universally appreciated yet. Or } try Dow Oven Cleaner (a little hard on the ozone layer, but does the } trick.) Or contact your local Eagles Club or Sons of Italy chapter for a } list of contractors who specialize in this sort of chore. Or see your } friendly local organic chemist for a squeeze bottle full of methyl } mercaptan. Or trot down to the mall and get a laser diode lecture } pointer from The Sharper Image; point out the retinas of the offender } (probably a good idea to back this up with a squirt or two of Mace or } CapStun). Hire a poet to compose a Phillipic on the subject, then have } it delivered to the tag-along by an Arnold Schwartzenegger wannabe. } Start carrying an ax. Join the Hell's Angels. Anonymously submit the } annoying one's name to the Federal agency of your choice. Get the } person nominated as a Supreme Court Justice. Set him/her up with a } dream date with Magic Johnson. Arrange that the offender's next } business trip be to Yugoslavia, Peru, or East Timor. Serve him/her Bon } Vivant Vichysoise. Send messages in his/her name to alt.drugs and } alt.sex.bestiality. Give his/her name to the Mormons, the Jehovah's } Witnesses, and the Church Universal and Triumphant. Serve him/her } poison ivy salad. Start training for the Iron Man Triathalon (you'll be } harder to follow.) Forward him/her this email, as a subtle hint. Then } see your attorney about getting a Peace Warrant. } } You owe the Oracle a favor. --- 373-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh good Oracle (sorry, I would grovel more, but my head hurts), > please answer this: > do you subscribe to the theory of cosmic entropy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but I hear that it's okay for a bimonthly. The toll free number is } 1 (800) ENT-ROPY. --- 373-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wher-r-r-r-e oh Wher-r-r-r-e are you tonight? > Why did you leeeeeaave me here all alone? > I _searched_ the world over > and I though I found true love > Yeeewww met another and Pttthhhht! you was gone? > > Pls. advise. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (interior tumbledown shanty somewhere in West Virginia) } } Father is sitting in front of TV watching "Hee Haw." } } "Emmy Lou?" he calls. "Emmy LOOOOOOOOOO!" } } "Here, Paw." A voice from the kitchen. } } "Have you seen your mother?" } } "No, Paw." A few thuds and a crash punctuate the child's words. } } "Have you seen Bobby Joe?" } } "No, Paw." } } "Have you seen Billy Joe Jim Bob Jack?" } } "No, Paw." } } Father scratches at his genitals for a few moments, then replies, } releasing all his soul-torn torment pent within for years. } } "Shewt." } } Gets up and looks in the bassinet. } } "Emmy LOOOOOOOO!" } } "Yeah, Paw?" } } "Wherz Teddy Jo?" } } "Dunno, Paw." } } The bassinet is empty, except for a Fisher-Price Easy Rider Rifle Rack. } } Father again scratches at his genitalia, and belches. The two windows } still in one piece shatter simultaneously. Again, his rent psyche can } take this no longer. He sings out with all the torment his mind can } express: } } "Gawddang it! If yer Maw took the truck, I'm gonna tar'n'feather that } woman!" } } (end) } } If you were given the choice, wouldn't YOU split? Geez. } } You owe the Oracle the charred ashes of every "Hee-Haw" tape in } existence. --- 373-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise and all powerful. The one who even the ancient greek > gods came to for an answer. The one who has a lady friend of the utmost > beauty. Tell me this, what is a day in the life of Lisa like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, jeez. Look this Lisa thing has gotten blown ALL out of proportion. } Not only is she *NOT* the Oracle's main squeeze, but the Oracle Herself } is a woman of the most statuesque proportions and deep inner beauty. } } A long time ago on a net far away, I was met in the street in downtown } Athens -- and what a place it was even then -- by a beautiful young } woman with eyes of green, a perplexed countenance, and a reputation. } She was distraught over the hordes of pursuing men that ran after her } day in and day out and never let her get a moment's peace. After } recognizing Me for my Magnificent Self, she pled my assistance, and I } gave it her. After sufficient data patterning, she was reduced to my } right hand woman and fellow partier who eats young boys for breakfast. } It works out fairly well, actually, since her tastes run quite counter } to mine and we can trade off. } } *ANY*way, by doing so I provided her with a means to exercise her } sexual being and still get the hell away from all you ravenous, } frustrated, sexually bungling dolts who never let her sit and rest her } weary but oh-so-welrounded derriere when she feels the need. And boy, } do you get on her beautifully shaped nerves, buster. Just the other } day she was telling me about you over a cup of General Foods } International Coffee -- forgot the clitoris again, eh? Listen, pal, } she's my friend and if you do that again I'll turn you into a toilet } seat at a Weight Watcher's convention. Got that? } } *AHEM* } } To the question. She gets up around -- oh, nine-ish or so -- and has a } cup of coffee. She checks her queue to see if any REAL men have } petitioned her the day before, but you know the Typical Usenet Geek -- } hell, you ARE the Typical Usenet Geek -- and she is rarely satisfied } with the selection of postulants. We then have a chat over some toast } and tea, eat lunch, devour a few young nubile boys, attend the } gladiatorial games up here, and maybe even spy on Zeus in the shower, } you know? Don't tell him I said that. All in all, your typical morning } and early afternoon here in Net Elysium. Then we have a leisurely few } games of Chase-the-Virile-Hunk-of-Flesh-Around-The-Rose-Gardens, and } some dinner, served of course by the most well-formed Mediterranean } slaves you have ever seen. At night we chomp down a couple more boys, } then its bedtime. } } All in all, your average day. } } You owe the Oracle a ten-page paper "Why I Won't Forget Lisa's Clitoris } Next Time." Typed and double-spaced in triplicate, and if you make one } mistake, you do it over again.