From oracle-request Tue Nov 26 11:11:45 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 26 Nov 91 11:11:45 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #378 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 378 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #378 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Tue, 26 Nov 91 11:11:45 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 378 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 373 27 votes 1c662 26d51 267a2 17c70 16992 02b86 1a484 86922 38853 36a44 373 3.0 mean 2.9 2.9 3.1 2.9 3.2 3.7 3.1 2.4 2.9 3.0 --- 378-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > (cross-posted to rec.guns) > > What is the season, out-of-state license fee, and bag limit on ex-wives > in the state of New Hampshire? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, you have to say the magic words. } } "Uh, abracadabra?" } } No, try again. } } "Oh, I know. Please?" } } No, but you're getting closer. Try again. } } "Great Oracle, please answer the question of this lowly mortal who is } not worthy to sniff your shoe trees." } } Now you got it. I shall answer. } } The traditional season is late fall, after the leaves have fallen. The } lack of foliage makes them easier to spot. License fees are usually } minimal, and the limit is one ex-wife per day (although mormons are } allowed up to three). } } Let us follow the brave hunter into the forest, to witness this } exciting sport. } } He quietly creeps up to a tree, which looks out on a clearing. He } positions himself behind the tree, quiets his breathing, and gently } pulls out the ex-wife call. He blows into it and the sound of } "alimony! alimony!" echos through the woods. There! What was that? A } rustling from the bushes a ways down. He sees some sparkles of light } and figures it may be another hunter, so he holds his fire. But now } the creature steps out of the cover and he can see that the sparkling } is the diamonds given to the ungrateful bitch months before by her } husband. He aims and prepars to fire... but holds, as he sees she is } not alone. There are large, shambling forms accompanying her - } lawyers! It is not unexpected for an ex-wife in the wild to be } surrounded by one or more of these parasites, but it is always a } surprise to see them. He aims again and fires! Damn, hit a lawyer. } That's ok though, it's always open season on lawyers and there's no } limit. But now the others are scattering. *BLAM* He quickly fires } again and this time hits the target! } } Now that he has killed the ex-wife what will he do with it? Many men } quickly stuff and mount their kills, but trust me stuffing and mounting } is much more fun with a live woman. } } So there you have it. You should keep in mind, of course, that similar } fees and limits apply to the hunting of ex-husbands, so be sure to wear } something bullet proof. } } You owe the Oracle 50% of your posessions, unless you remembered to } draw up a pre-question agreement. --- 378-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a word that describes sexual longings toward pregnant women? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gaah. ANOTHER supplicant who doesn't grovel. I've half a mind to start } squashing your types like the insolent bugs you are... } } However, to get to your question: Yes, Virginia, there is a word that } describes sexual longings toward pregnant women. This word is } "gravidasty". } } There are several theories about what motives cause gravidasty. } Currently, the most prominent school of thought is that the perpetrator } of gravidasty has an overwheming ambition to get his pregnant partner's } picture splattered all over the front pages of the National Enquirer, } Weekly World News, and other papers of that ilk, along with an } appropriate headline: MY BABY WAS BORN PREGNANT! MY HUSBAND(or PARTNER) } SEXUALLY ABUSED MY UNBORN CHILD!! } } Needless to say, anyone seeking this type of fame is suffering from a } grand delusion; physiologically speaking, this is impossible --- } unless, of course, you or your partner happens to be Elvis. } } You owe the Oracle two boxes of blue suede Pampers. --- 378-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me,o wise dude from the east, > > How many ghoti are there in the sea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Plenty. There are more ghoti in the sea than ewe, mni, and all your } ghresnez put together, and that's even leaving some out. While there } are not as many ghoti in the sea as there are sptoughrz in the sky, } there are way more ghoti in the sea than Tsheisneempisne in China, } which should give you some grasp of how this thing scales. } } You owe the Oracle the complete works of G.B. Shaw, and a haddock. --- 378-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most sage Oracle of Delphi, wise beyond all space and time, > of whom I am not worthy to gaze upon your splendid and bespeckled feet, > nor to swim with the other gods in your backyard pool, tell me... > > I just helped my girlfriend sell her old car and buy a "new" used one > thats a heck-of-a deal. She says she doesn't know how to repay me > for my time and diligence {reading classified, phoning, test-drives}. > > What will she do to balence our relation in the cosmos? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, since she's your girlfriend there are a number of ways she can } repay you. } } - She can marry you, have your children, ruin her life for } you -- but she might be smarter than that, so try this with } caution. } } - She can buy a "new" used car for you. } } - She can be honest and tell you that she doesn't really care (not the } best of deals but an OK one.) } } - She can stop seeing that other guy. } } - She can do that certain something you have been begging her to -- } although it's not as fun as you think. } } - She can show you her test results (but you have to promise her not } to be too brutal.) } } - If she really appreciates what you did for her, she can give you a } nice hug and a kiss and forget about the car -- because in about two } months, that car will need a major repair job. } } You owe The Oracle a good debugger. --- 378-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great and wise and bulbous Oracle, who knows all, eats all, and > belches all, tell me this. Who do I successfully shed the 30 pounds > I'm carrying around with me (and I don't mean English currency)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean "how do I...." not "who do I...", I assume. Come on now! } You don't need to lose *that* much! A few, maybe, but 30??? Nooo.... } If I were you, I would learn to live with it. After all.... } } Hey! What' you looking at?? You're looking at my gut, aren't you? } Well, I'm working on it!!! } } You owe The Oracle a new diet system. --- 378-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > where did Giligan get the milk for all of the coconut cream pies that > Marianne made for him (and where did they bake them) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A factoid that is unknown even to serious scholars of 1960's } culture, but that is known to me, the Great One (to whom you } FORGOT to grovel, you swine), is that "Gilligan's Island" wasn't } just a television show. It was real! The startling authenticity } of native practices and customs was due to the Professor's } remarkable ability to set up a closed-circuit camera and record } all of the events for Filmways Television. The only phenomenon } of the '60's to even approach this kind of cultural anthropology } was "The Beverly Hillbillies," which, as everyone knows, starred } a real Tennessee mountain family with bad teeth and raging } hormones. } } Bob Denver (aka "Gilligan") was actually an anthropology major at } the University of Chicago doing field research on what happens } when rich people are forced to adapt to native culture in the } South Pacific. Once or twice a month, milk, Kraft Processed } Cheese Slices, Wonder Bread, Welch's Grape Jelly, Hostess } Ho-Ho's, Mutual of Omaha life insurance policies and other 1960's } staples were airlifted in on a secret part of the Island, where } Gilligan then mysteriously retrieved them and distributed them to } his unsuspecting subjects. He then took extensive notes on the } results. } } Mary Ann didn't actually *bake* the pies--that would have made } her too suspicious. She used a Pillsbury no-bake filling (not } unlike Jello 1-2-3), poured it into a premade graham cracker } crust, and was never the wiser! } } When Bob "Gilligan" Denver published his dissertation, of course, } then the show was aired to the amazement of the } television-watching public, which reveres it to this day. Not } since "McHale's Navy" gave us harrowing, true-to-life } re-enactments of brave men in battle has a program so faithfully } reproduced the braver side of our noble culture. } } You owe the Oracle a good tape of "Dobie Gillis." --- 378-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderful Oracle, whose toenails I wish dearly to > pedicure: > > Why is is that I see purple spots on the walls of the urinal when > I go to the bathroom in the morning? Is it just me, or is this > something all males experience? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And the oracle spake thus to the manly men below: } } The purple spots you complain of are in actuality a common and harmless } variety of slime mold common to all men's bathrooms. The species, } Quinibeaus Scrotsum is said to have increased prevalence in bathrooms } of the college variety because of that rare mixture of beer, stray } spray, foot fungus, day-old-puke, and other party remnants that are } needed for the substaining of this life form. Morning being the usual } feeding time in the scrotsum's biological clock, this is when they are } most likely to be sighted. Do not be dismayed at the sight of these } wonderful beasts, as they are often what keep the other more dangerous } molds and fungi from taking over in men's bathrooms. } } You owe the oracle a fifth of Crown Royal (for the the purpose of } disinfection! We swear it!) --- 378-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and noble oracle, king of heaven and earth, > > Have you ever been compared to the OUija board??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but indeed I used to DABBLE in them. } } Picture the scene . . . } } >several yuppies and their SO's gathered in a stylish SoCal } living room, loft prominently decorated. A half-empty bottle } of Martini and Rossi Asti Spumante is in evidence< } } Y1: Oh, Mighty Ouija board, will my wife have a baby this year? } } The pointer trembles and starts a slow deliberate waltz around } the board. } } BOARD: A-N-T-I-C-H-R-I-S-T } } The onlookers sit back stunned. } } Y2: Oh, Might Ouija board, will I get married this year? } } Again the pointer begins its journey. } } BOARD: H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-G-A-S-P-U-M-P-A-T-T-E-N-D-A-N-T } } One yuppette sits back in a huff. } } Y3: Oh, Might Ouija board, how will my business trip go? } } The pointer again trembles and traces out the letters -- } } BOARD: M-I-D-N-I-G-H-T-E-X-P-R-E-S-S } } It is now Yuppie 4's turn. She regards the board with a } jaundiced eye, tossing her luxuriant chestnut hair over } one shoulder provocatively. Her long, nimble fingers lay } atop the pointer. She is dressed stylishly, and tastefully. } The lines of a picture-perfect figure are not hidden by her } slim turtleneck, and were she not sitting on her well-rounded } derriere, the two male participants would long ago have } suffered cardiac infarction. } } Y4: Oh, Mighty Ouija board (her rich contralto intones) who will } my next serious relationship be with? } } The pointer shakes violently for several moments and begins to } vibrate back and forth. } } BOARD: Z-E-U-S } } Then: } } BOARD: N-O-O-R-A-C-L-E } } Then: } } BOARD: I-S-A-I-D-Z-E-U-S } } Then: } } BOARD: O-R-A-C-L-E-D-A-M-N-I-T } } Then: } } BOARD: } Y-O-U-W-O-U-L-D-N-T-E-V-E-N-K-N-O-W-W-H-A-T-T-O-D-O-W-I-T-H-H-E-R } } Then: } } BOARD: O-H-W-O-U-L-D-N-T-I-R-E-M-E-M-B-E-R-W-H-A-T-L-I-S-A-S-A-I-D } } Then: } } BOARD: } L-I-S-A-D-O-E-S-N-T-K-N-O-W-W-H-A-T-S-H-E-S-T-A-L-K-I-N-G-A-B-O-U-T } } Then: } } BOARD: I-S-A-I-D-S-H-E-S-M-I-N-E-Y-O-U-L-I-T-T-L-E-G-I-T } } Then: } } BOARD: O-H-Y-E-A-H } } Then: } } BOARD: Y-E-A-H } } Then: } } BOARD: O-H-Y-E-A-H } } Then: } } BOARD: Y-E-A-H } } Then: } } BOARD: O-H-Y-E-A-H } } Upon which point the yuppies all get sick of the bickering and throw } the board out, where a little girl names Regan who lives down the } street picks it out of the trash and brings it home. One male yuppie } does suffer a fatal heart attack upon the brunette woman's rising, and } the other severe palpitations. } } You owe the Oracle the brunette's phone number. >Shut up, Zeus.< --- 378-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh wisest oracle of all the net.gods out there, please deign > to answer the question of a humble supplicant: > > What does a blind person see when he dreams? > > Thank you, oh big one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh the dreams of the blind and what that they sees } Smiling faces and places and puppy dog knees } } Birds in the ocean and fish in the air } Flapping their fins without even a care } } Six legged horses and ultra-red roses } Kennedys caught in embarrassing poses } } Whales crooning Dylan and C code compiling } Enquirer psychics badly divining } } Big bombs and Saddams and tanks slowly creeping } Don't that they wish they were just calmly sleeping } } Trumps in the poorhouse and all Congress in jail } Flying pink elephants not lending them bail } } Smiling Dick Nixons with nicely signed pardons } Porn stars a' groaning with huge throbbing <> } } Ollie North writing and Reagan recalling } TV commercials with old women falling } } Zebra striped hippos and planets revolving } 'round gold plated roads and witches dissolving } } Oracle's done writing bad meter and rhyme } I'm going to stop now while I still have a mind } } You owe the Oracle autographed copies of all of Dr. Seuss' books --- 378-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, whose knowledge exceeds that of even Alex Trebek, > > Who owns the North Pole? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Microsoft owns the North Pole. I'm surprised that someone who tries to } keep up with current developments in the field doesn't peruse the } Business and Technology section of their local screamsheet. Here's the } article: } } MS On Top of the World, says CEO Gates } Redmond } In a surprise move today, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates announced Farwa snod } bar gull fran nert nert poofoo. One of his aides kicked the microphone } stand at which point Mr. Gates made a bit more sense. Gates expanded } on his opening remark, saying that the takeover was a result of a crack } team of guerilla squatters who had camped on the site for the past } seven years, thus gaining ownership of the land by means of the } oft-forgotten subparagraph (G) in section 2. of the International } Homestead Act. "This is an exciting new field for us," Gate said, } adding that, "At this point, we are the only software company prepared } to offer services to customers above the 80th parrallel." } } The squatters had no comment, other than to say how surprised they were } to encounter publicity for Windows3.0 even in their isolation. "The } subliminal messages in the Aurora Borealis came as quite a shock," one } squatter (who asked that his name not be revealed until after he's had } a chance to negotiate for radio play rights) said. } } C'mon, it's not even Thanksgiving yet. You owe the Oracle a question } that doesn't involve Christmas, Santa Claus, or any of that stuff.