From oracle-request Mon Dec 23 16:00:54 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 23 Dec 91 16:00:54 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #388 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 388 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #388 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 23 Dec 91 16:00:54 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 388 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 383 17 votes 26522 14642 47033 48401 01682 13832 15551 67400 16442 04733 383 2.9 mean 2.8 3.1 2.6 2.2 3.6 3.1 3.0 1.9 3.0 3.3 --- 388-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, able to hear the bleats of freshmen without going insane, > able to answer questions while leaping over a tall building in a single > bound, answer me this: > > Why have all the really neat superheroes been condemned to wearing > tights?!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, kind mortal, who doth grovel so well: I'm not sure. } Most of them are guys, even though that is a massive slap in the face } to feminism. Tell you what... let's ask Lisa! } } Lisa! Lisa! Come here. Orrie needs your help! } } Lisa: Ooooooooh! Goodie! Do I get to hold something for you? Do I get } to transcribe all of your quotes? Do I get to lick your.... } } Oracle: Uh... that'll be enough. I'd like you to help me answer a } question. } } Lisa: Reallllllly? I've always wanted to do that! You'd really let me? } Really? You mean I don't have to perform any odd sex acts to earn } the privledge? } } Oracle: Yep. The sex comes later... Tell me, Lisa. Why do the } superheroes have to wear those stupid tights? } } Lisa: 'Cause it makes 'em look seeeeeexy! You can see their muscles and } all of them! Even in front you can see their... } } Oracle: OK. That'll be enough for your gentle questioner. Lisa, did I } ever show you my nifty pair of tights? } } Lisa: Oh Orrie! No! I'd love to see them on! And off.... } } You owe the Oracle a snap-crotched pair of tights. --- 388-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, very very very very very very very smart and smart oracle, please > answer my humble question: > > How far should a person go on a first date? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A person should only go as far on a first date as their method of } transport will allow. } } It would be foolish, if not downright rude, to suggest "walking over to } Rockefeller Center to see the Christmas trees" if you are currently in } Indiana. Your date would no doubt be annoyed at your lack of } consideration for his/her feet and would probably also be alarmed at } your extremely poor sense of distance. } } If, on the other hand, you have access to a Lear jet, the above } mentioned jaunt from Terre Haute to NYC might be a completely } reasonable (as well as quite romantic) suggestion. --- 388-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O socially adroit and anthopologically acute Oracle, one who eats his > meat raw asks: do those folks who flame so obnoxiously in email and > netnews have any teeth left in their heads, or are they more civil in > person? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [flame on] } } NO, I DON'T THINK SO! LOOK, YOU SPELLED "ANTHROPOLOGICALLY" WRONG, AND } YOUR QUESTION CONTRIBUTES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO THE CURRENT THREAD, AND } UH... OH YEAH!, YOUR POST SOUNDS A LOT LIKE A PERSONAL ATTACK TO ME! I } THINK I'LL TAKE OFFENSE NOW! PHUGGH! } } [flame off] } } No, why do you ask? } } You owe the oracle a life's supply of Gerber's(tm) Gourmet Baby Food. --- 388-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come the horses sleep standing up > and the cows don't? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So who says they're sleeping? } } They're actually in communion with Gl'ka, the ancient diety of } armageddon and old laundry. It was written long ago that the } proper ritual circles to bring her wrath to bear upon you fool } humans could only be formed with upright horses and reclining } cows. Trouble is, their great prophet was taken by the evil } minions of the Golden Arches (that's right, McDonalds) before } he could reveal the exact configuration of the circle. (BTW, } I can't say much about that, except that the prophet was neither } a cow or a horse, or for that matter anything that belongs on a } sesame seed bun by any bizarre stretch ofthe imagination. That } one's on me.) So, they just try out random configurations every } night, hoping to find some divine inspiration again. } } Can't say much else, except that if you notice your livestock } spelling out Dan Quayle's inauguration speech in ancient Hebrew, } get your affairs in order quick. } } You owe the Oracle a side of real beef. --- 388-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This year I decided to send electronic Christmas cards instead of the > normal ones that you send through the mail. This seems like a great > way to save a tree. > > My problem is that by not buying stamps for the regular christmas cards > I might send our country deeper into recession. > > What do you think. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahem. } } You *did* submit your question to the Oracle electronically, instead of } using the time-honored personal method involving the sacrifice of 17 } oxen and three sheep. } } Did you stop to consider the effect this would have on the economic } prospects of the raisers of oxen and sheep, and the manufacturers of } sacrificial knives? } } While you are pondering your folly, though, the Oracle will, in its } infinite wisdom and mercy, offer guidance on your original query. } } You have eschewed the purchase not only of postage stamps, but also of } greeting cards, envelopes, pens, and ink. It is, of course, the lack } of the ink that worries the mighty Oracle so deeply. } } For ink is the link that puts our economy in the pink, you fink. } Before you take another wink, so that out economy may not sink beyond } the brink, stop to think! } } Save a tree? Well, let's see! You've saved on card money? Spend it } with glee... plant a tree, or two or three! Help local ecology! Spur } the economy! } } The almighty Oracle, through its servant The Bug Lady, hath spoken... --- 388-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a job for you! I need to know if this is familiar everywhere > around the world! So, could you make this test with say 10 people and > then pass me the results! > > Tell your victim to do the following: > > 1. Use your both hands to take your head off! > 2. Put it in the table! > 3. Rip some hair from it! > 4. Eat it! > > I need to know how many people try to put that hair in the place where > their head used to be and how many understand to put it in the mouth of > the head in the table. > > I have met only one person (except me) who has done this correctly at > the first time. Now I hope that you understood that you don't actually > have to make anone take his/her head off, but just to act as they did > it. > > I'm waiting for the results. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While normally, I would consider this both a simplistic and juvenile } question, I have, in fact, in all my knowledge and mental prowess, } performed precisely this experiment. The paper to the New England } Journal of Medicine appeared as follows: } } _On_The_Behaviour_of_the_Human_Species_After_Lesion_of_the_Head_ } } ************************************************************************ } THEORY: Upon lesion of the head, members of the human species will } reduce their activity, their behaviour become both uninspired and } inattentive towards their surroundings, and their learning and } cognitive abilities will quickly diminish. } } METHOD: Using the random populations from sixteen towns and cities on } three continents and in thirteen nations, I will analyze the bahavior } of human subjects before and after lesioning the head. A total of } seventthree subjects will be analyzed, with thier age, race, gender and } other characteristics being completely random. } } RESULTS: Almost the entire population of 73 subjects responded to the } lesioning of the head in the same manner. They immediately fell limp, } their muscles went flacid, and they became absolutely unresponsive } to any stimuli. A total of three subjects did not respond in this } manner. I will discuss these subjects in detail. } The first was a cheiftan from a pigmy tribe in Papua, New Guinea. } Upon research into his history, it was discovered that the tribe } constrained their leaders to be dead, and they must remain within } the confines of the royal castle. The cheiftan was removed from his } throne - at great risk to this scientist - for the purposes of adding } depth to the experiment. After studying both his behaviour before } lesioning the head, as well as the practices of the tribe, it was } determined that the leader had already been dead. } The second was a student at Ohio State University. Upon lesioning } of his head, the student's body continued to wander aimlessly about, } infrequently seating itself at a desk and appearing to be trying to } write something down. When a pencil was placed in the body's hand, } the writings produced were completely unintelligible, consistent with } his performance before the lesioning. His head, on the other hand, } simply stared straight forward for a long period of time, before the } mouth began to form a word. A lip reader was consulted, and the } word mouthed by the subject was either "Beer" or "Bogus"; it could } not be determined exactly which of these words was said. } The last subject was a mystery. The sex of could not be determined, } and except for the fact that it spoke and wrote English, it could } not be fully determined if the subject was human. Post mortem autopsy } revealed little in the way of sex, but the remainder of the organs } were consistent with that of a human anatomy. } This subject, by far, was the most interesting of the "special } response" group. Upon lesioning the head, the subject leapt to its } feet, grabbed its head, pulled at the hair, and attempted to be stuffing } the clump of hair into its removed head. While this behaviour pattern } could not be explained, it continued for several seconds. Finally, the } body fell limp, and the head turned to me and mouthed several words. } Then, the eyes closed, and the head exhibited all of the behavioural } patterns consistent with that of the other subjects of the experiment. } The lip reader was consulted again, and reviewed videotapes of the } session for several hours. She was able to determine that the sentence } mouthed by the head was either "See? I bet that nobody else knew to try } that!", or "What? Why is the chicken locked on Pluto?" General } consensus amongst the team of analysts was that the latter statement was } mouthed, due to both its profundity and the probability of loss of } coherent thought after removal of the head. --- 388-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Pythian and pithy Oracle, one who heard about fig wasps only > yesterday asks: my manager says the road to Hell is paved with code > optimizations; I say the road to Hell is paved with optimistic schedule > estimates; which of us is right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pythian. I like that. } } Well, upon examining a cross-section of the Highway to Hell (thanks, } AC/DC!) we discover the following: } } Lowest layer: } Cobblestones } Gold leaf } Cloven hoofprints } Tarmac (due to the Hell resurfacing project of 34 B.C.) } FORTRAN compilers } Dante's footprints } the Green Bay Packers } good intentions } >>>>> optimistic schedule estimates } Gold leaf } ice (I'll be da....darned!) } feces } Tarmac (due to the Hell reresurfacing project of 1292 A.D.) } 300 baud modems } gravel } mud } gravel } mud } gravel } Roger Mudd's laundry } gravel } Tarmac (due to the Hell rereresurfacing project of 1990 A.D. } done by the U.S. Department of Guys Without Shirts } and brought in overbudget by $2,000,000) } } Nowhere in this cross-section do I see code optimizations, though I do } hear in informal rumor exchange with the other Major Deities that the } Garden Path to Nirvana contains code optimizations. } } You owe the Oracle an optimized fig wasp. --- 388-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have two dates this weekend. Of course, neither knows about the > other. I want to go out with both of them, but I've never been able to > keep multiple affairs going. So, I thought I would ask an expert. How > do you do it? And how do you keep Lisa from finding out? > > P.S. Almost forgot the grovelling - here goes: "Greatest Oracle, whose > flatulence shakes the stars themselves - who belches with the power of > an earthquake - whose skin has more oil that Saudi Arabia - O Wondrous > Archetype of Techno-Geekness, please, please answer my question" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hm, postfix grovelling. Kinky. } } The Oracle has NEVER cheated on Lisa, would never even CONSIDER the } possibility. The Oracle has never looked at another woman since the } dawn of time; no other woman could even possibly begin to impinge upon } the outermost and least significant layers of his consciousness, and } the shadow of the echo of the thought of dating, much less touching, } another naked, nubile, soft, quivering, luscious, warm, inviting female } body, with skin like richest silk, breath as sweet as rose blossoms, } eyes as deep as intergalactic space, and burying himself in her } fragrant flesh, revelling in pure white-hot lust and- } } } } Oops. You owe the Oracle a quick getaway. --- 388-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ain't had no funding > [Ba da da dum] > Since we won the Cold War > [Ba da da dum] > Why can't we go back > [Ba da] > To "Nineteen Eighty-four"? > > [Bum bum dum dum da dummm] > Oh, hey there O great Oracle, I just don't know what to do > [Be dededededede dededededede] > I got those Military-Industrial Complex > [Ba DUM] > Contractor Blues > > We used to build rockets > [Ba da da dum] > And we used to build planes > [Ba da da dum] > Oh, why can't we get > [Ba da] > Andropov back again? > > [Bum bum dum dum da dummm] > I'm begging you, Great Oracle, to tell me what to do > [Be dededededede dededededede] > I got those Post-Cold War Cold Warrior Funding Squeeze > [Ba DUM] > Contractor Blues And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Deedle deelde --- 388-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, to whom I am not even worthy enough to grovel before, > answer me this question: > > My fortune cookie contained two fortunes. Which one should I believe? > > Your Supplicant, > -- Scott And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Damn straight you're unworthy. One would hope that I, the omniscient } Oracle or at least some mortal who was wise enough to be worthy of } groveling would get the vaunted multiple fortune cookie, but, what can } I do? } } The reason for worry is that the receipt by an unworthy petitioner of } such a fortune cookie is a sign used by eschatologists* that the end is } nigh: } } From the Notebooks of Nostradamus (Paris: Jacobin Press, 1555), p. 89: } "And the end shall be nigh when the home of the leader of the most } powerful nation shall be inundated by the sea; when the unworthy begin } to receive messages upon messages even in their food; and when he who } is seen as richest and most powerful doth cast himself into the sea } before he is seen to be a fraud." } } From the newly-discovered verses of the Revelations of John, from the } Dead Sea Scrolls" } } "8:6.25 And the zeroth angel sounded, the followed global warming } mingled with cyclones and windstorms, and they were cast upon the } earth; and the peoples of the earth began to regret not having flood } insurance; } } 8:6.50 And the third part of the leaders of the earth fell away, either } killed by their unhappy subjects, and shamed into silence, yet their } peoples still remained poor while the rich worried about the Federal } Funds Rate; } } 8:6.75 And the zeroth angel revealed special messages, which were sent } to those regarded as the most unworthy; for not only will the meek } inherit the earth, yet also the spiritually weak." } } Frightening stuff. Better buy some put options on, say, June sulfur } deliveries. There's trouble on the way. } } [*You can look it up if you want.] } } You owe the oracle a privileges card to the Huntington Library.