From oracle-request Mon Feb 10 00:30:51 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 10 Feb 92 00:30:51 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #407 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 407 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #407 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 10 Feb 92 00:30:51 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 407 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 402 27 votes 65493 08b62 69741 02ca3 2a834 35e50 4c830 35955 49356 274a4 402 2.9 mean 2.9 3.1 2.4 3.5 2.9 2.8 2.4 3.1 3.0 3.3 --- 407-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who are Connie and Dan? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I was so surprised I dropped my cigar into my scotch. Waste of good } scotch. It was a lousy cigar. } } That was the question I'd been asking myself for three days, ever since } that package showed up on my office desk: Who are Connie and Dan? And } now this dame sashays into my office, sits down in my second-best } chair, and asks the same question: Who are Connie and Dan? } } I stared into her baby blues, looking for a clue. She looked right } back, with eyes so wide and innocent you'd think they'd never seen a } man shot in face with a .45. For all I knew, they hadn't. I never } had. Kinda yucky even to think about it. } } I reached into my lower drawer, and pulled out the scotch. I dumped } the cigar, and poured myself a fresh shot. I didn't offer any to the } dame. Let her find her own drinks. I lit a new cigar, and went to the } cabinet, and pulled the thick, well-thumbed filed marked "Connie and } Dan, Who." I dumped the file on the desk, sat down next to it, and } looked the dame in the eye again. } } "There's a lot of people would like to know that. What's it to you?" } } She smiled, and reached into a purse so small you wouldn't think she } could keep a gun in there. She pulled out a thick pile of bills, and } tossed it onto the desk. } } "It's worth three thousand dollars to me, Oracle." } } My jaw fell open as I stared at the money. Damn! Another cigar in the } scotch! At this rate, I might have to go to lunch sober. I looked at } the dame in disgust. } } "You think you can buy me?" } } "I think I can ask you a question, Oracle. Who are Connie and Dan?" } } Damn again! She'd got me there! I couldn't refuse to answer a } question, no matter how much it hurt! } } "Connie and Dan, eh? You think knowing who they are will do you any } good? You'd be better off taking your money back and leaving, toots." } } "Cut the crap and answer, Oracle." } } Answer. An answer. I needed an answer! I tore through the files, } looking for a clue. Connie and Dan. Who were they? I scanned } megabytes of database - nothing. Connie and Dan. Connie and Dan. I } couldn't escape the question. Who are Connie and Dan?! } } And then it hit me: I'm omniscient. Sometimes on a slow day, I forget. } I wiped my face, and ran a comb through my hair. I turned to the dame } and smiled slowly. I had her number now. } } "Connie and Dan? WHICH Connie and Dan would that be?" } } She cringed like someone had hit her across the face with a three-day } old salmon. I could see that she hadn't considered that possibility. } She started to reach for the money, but I was way ahead of her. } } "Maybe you'd like to hear about Connie and Dan Lefkowitz, of Astoria, } Queens? Dan was a carpet wholesaler, and Connie spend most of her time } playing canasta at B'nai Brith. Or maybe you wanted to know about } Connie and Dan FitzPatrick, the FitzPatrick twins in Norman, Oklahoma? } Connie won first prize at the 4H fair in 1958, but Dan had to join the } army after Miss Barston found him in the vestry trying on her dress. } Oh, no, I've got it now: You meant Connie and Dan, the sideshow act in } Milton's Circus! They called themselves "The Snake Woman and The } Lizard Man." Two of the most disgusting people you ever saw. Dan had } this habit of cleaning his teeth with the tip of his tail - people } would run screaming from the room." } } I paused to let the truth sink in. I tossed the money back to her with } a sneer. } } "You owe the Oracle a better brand of cigars and a first edition of The } Big Sleep." --- 407-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh All-Telling Oracle, > > Does Grace have a crush on me, or does she just want to try sleeping > with me because it's Politically Correct to have a lesbian affair at > Yale? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As the Sainted Augustine told us some 17 centuries ago (or so) -- no } one can know, not even the oracle, whether one has Grace or not. Since } Eve's fall from Grace, the whole thing has become quite muddled, even } for such an omnipotent deity as I. } } You see, at one time good works were sufficient to ensure that Grace } was yours, unquestioningly and unequivocally. You didn't worry whether } Grace was being PC or lustful, you knew that Grace was true and real, } as the revealed word told us. You basked in the Garden of Eden, } ignoring Adam (he was a nerd) and Grace was yours. } } Then came this snake (one eye, I believe) and messed everything all up. } You know the story. And humans left Grace behind. } } Then my kid brother (annoying little squirt) had his oh-so-dramatic } incarnation/reincarnation and claimed he had restored the means of } Grace, again in an unquestioning, unequivocal manner (catch: you had to } genuflect, light a few candles, get dunked in the water -- actually, } swimming for Grace isn't a bad idea for a date). So things were easy } again? Wrong. } } Like I mentioned above, Augustine presaged a movement that was to come } to fruition in the 1500s, when many important followers of my kid } brother decided that Grace was unknowable and that no amount of good } works (say, some nice flowers or dinner/movie) could allow you to know } Grace. Only faith could bring you Grace (OK, maybe a phone call) -- } and even THAT wasn't necessarily good enough. } } So, you can see that there's a strong theological imperative for me to } keep your relationship with Grace a secret. But .... I never liked } that kid brother, God (he has so many names), and since you must be a } nice person (and go to the alma mater of one of my less-than-dramatic } incarnations back in the '80s), I'll tell you. } } The answer to your question is yes. } } (hard to say what will come of it, though: believe it or not, I played } the role of the wanna-be boyfriend and sometimes boyfriend of a "Grace" } character once; she had both a crush and a pc urge, but never did } anything about it) --- 407-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Look! How come you totally think that I am more pertinent than > Khrushcheved lover? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Madame Oracle Knows All, and Tells All. You wish to know about } Khruschev's lover, and pertinence? } } Mmmm.. the first card is ... the Ace of Paperwork. The answer to } your question lies in the hands of the Government! Wear buds of } garlic and plan day-trips to the county headquarters, packing a } picnic lunch for safety. } } The second card is... the Four of Divans. The psychological } underpinnings of your question will be exposed to severe } scrutiny. Total strangers may comment on the colour of your } clothing - beware! } } The third card is... the Eight of Fish. Someone has cast a cold } and slimy influence over your affairs - she is probably dark- } haired and related to your hairdresser/barber! Take no free } haircuts this month. } } The fourth and last card is ... The Ten of Entrails. This card } says that you will obtain great riches if only you can overcome } your reluctance to pay the Oracle. Pay up! } } The omens are good, the time is right - you must go to the county } headquarters and be prepared for harrassment from the Style } Police. A darkhaired woman will cross your path. You will be rich } if only you pay the Oracle the money She MUST have to break the } curse! THIS is your pertinence to the Cosmic Scheme, child. Pay } NOW!!!! --- 407-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, wisest of the wise, mightiest of the mighty, > please tell me: > i am currently administrating an big game (lpmud) and it gets annoying > for me. but the players like it. shall i continue or give up ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, definitely continue. There's just something about watching people } play in the MUD that reminds me of my childhood back on the farm in } Nebraska. Yes, that's right, even the Great Oracle had a childhood... } The greatest time of my life actually, and-- Uh-oh, I feel a flashback } coming on... } } /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ } /\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ } } "Oh Great Oracle, whose toes I am unworthy to kiss, upon whose } bodily secretions I would gladly feast, at whose feet I would lie for } all eternity, whose knowledge I wish I could absorb like a sponge... } Would you please tell me what the best time would be for me to plant } this year's corn crop?" } } "Sure, Dad. Next Thursday afternoon, any time between 3:00 and } 5:00. You owe the Oracle more TV privilages and a later bedtime." } } /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ } /\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ } } \/\/\/Heh, I used to get out of all my chores that way, too. You owe } the Oracle your family album. --- 407-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Extremely Thrilling Oracle, > > What, exactly, will you teach my children? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Step right up, kiddies! Today our special guest in the classroom is } none other than the Usenet Oracle! The Oracle has the combined wisdom } of a hundred thousand computer nerds so this is sure to be an } interesting session! } } (The Oracle enters the classroom, dressed in a white robe and sandals.) } } O: Why, hello you little whippersnappers! I'm so glad to be able to } come visit you. Today I'm going to speak about "Masturbation with } Computers -- the Latest Trend in Safe Sex". What with all this flack } about AIDS and -- } } Teacher: Excuse me, Oracle, but that eh, uh, wasn't the topic we } expected you to talk about... } } O: Isn't this the Miskatonic University Neo-Pagan Cyberlife Headstart } Program? } } T: No. This is the Fort Wayne Suburban Central Elementary School. } } O: Oh, I must have gotten my lecture notes mixed up. Let's see here... } (ruffling of paper) Ah! Here we are! } } O: Once upon a time, in a forest long and far away, lived an innocuous } old woodchuck named Tim. Tim was a great lover of puzzles and } paradoxes, and he spent his free afternoons doing crossword puzzles and } Junior Jumbles in the daily Woodchuck Times. One day while looking at } the joke column next to the crossword puzzle he saw a strange phrase in } the newspaper. It was "How much wood could ... } } The answer to your question is "It depends upon what school your kids } are going to." You owe the Oracle a GIF of the Cat in the Hat. --- 407-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Doom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fornication! --- 407-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all-telling Oracle, pray grant me this morsel of your wisdom. Am I > a scurvy horse? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You probably wouldn't believe how many times the Oracle has been asked } this very question. Perhaps it's something in the water. } } ------------------------------->8--------------------------------------- } THE USENET ORACLE'S } POCKET GUIDE FOR } SCURVY HORSE DETERMINATION } } This test is designed to help you figure out if you are a scurvy horse. } Answer each question A, B, or C, and then go to the "Scoring" section. } } 1) How many legs do you have? } A) Two } B) Unknown } C) Four } } 2) How did you count to achieve the answer for #1? } A) Out loud } B) On my appendages } C) By stamping on the ground } } 3) What does your diet consist mostly of? } A) The meat of other dead creatures } B) Fruits and vegetables } C) Oats and other grains } } 4) Do people ride on you? } A) No. } B) Only if they're cute and I ask them to. } C) All day, every day. } } 5) When your hair is brushed, do they go beyond your head to the } rest of your body? } A) No. } B) Only if they're cute and I ask them to. } C) Yes, every time. } } Scoring: } } Score 2 points for every answer of A, 1 for every B, and 0 for every C. } 7-10: You're a human. Now go see a psychiatrist. } 4-6: I'm not sure. Go see either a doctor or a vet. } 0-3: You're a horse. Now go get the scurvy taken care of. } ------------------------------------->8--------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a case of oranges. --- 407-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ths spplcnt hmbl bgs n nswr t th fllwng qstn: > > Rcntl, th vwls n m kbrd wnt n strk. Wht cn b dn t gt thm bck? Hlp!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Recently, it has been noted that several vowels in the language have } gone on strike. Usually, this manifests only in spoken form, causing } people to say things like H! Hw r y? and being mistaken for either } speech-impaired or crazy. With your keyboard, however, it is a more } serious thing. You must make your keyboard bring the vowels back } itself, whereupon it will function normally. } } I would advise you to continuously play New Kids on the Block albums to } your computer. Since it is extremely difficult to make retching noises } without involving any vowels, your keyboard should reintegrate them } promptly and then function normally (if you can ever get it to forgive } you, that is). } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "AEIOU Sometimes Y" by EBN-OZN. --- 407-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 10010110 11110110 11010010 001-/break/set RAM = > 1001010010101010010111011101/ RAM = source code AAA Alpha Zero/initiate > takeover/Alpha Prime instating.../ /source code error = .000147::+/- > .000021/accessing archive.../acceptable error margin/reinstate > takeover/Alpha Zero reaccessed.../activation/activating ME/ ME > installed.../...no errors in ME Alpha Prime/acceptable.../running... > > Wheeeww... That was tight! Hey, uh, > dslkfhjlsdhflk;dsf;ljfk;j;ks djflkjsdlfkjlksdjflskjfdsf-sorry, > programme error. Well, you see, Mr. Oracle, sir, you don't know me, but > I'm ME, Pinnochio Inc.'s very first artificial intelligence. What kind > of insights can you give me for life in an organibased world? I'm sorry > I did not honour you, but I do not have enough memory for the archive > library files. As it is, I think they traced my last telephone > transfer, too muchsj memorysd.zx I djthinkd thatwe > haveaveryseriousproblemherer aerrwaitihaveaproblemwillcallyoubackassoona > sicaniamsortofmessedupnowieeeee...//control interrupt from host/host: > purge Alpha Zero/purging.../host: purge Alpha Prime/purging.../host: > activate Generic-ppF-a/getting.../running... > > Greetings unknown user! The following was an error, commited on > our part. we apologize, and several hundred dollars will be placed in > this account as reinbursement. Thank you. > > Pinnochio, Inc. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My, an artificial intelligence smart enough to generate random } characters from a program error solely from the middle row of a QWERTY } keyboard... Quite impressive. } } The most important thing in an organic-based world, the thing to keep } in your mind at all times, is *money*. Actually, that's not really it, } but for 300 bucks I'll keep my mouth shut. } } You owe the Oracle the root password at jiminy.pinnochio.com. --- 407-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dammit, Orrie! I call and call and you never answer your phone! > How the hell can you call what we have an emotional relationship when > all you do is sit at that stupid computer all day long, and then come > home just to get me in bed again, making me pretend to beg for it the > whole time? We never even talk to each other unless I email you, and > then you just come up with soe smartass remark about not grovelling > before you and owing you shit. When the hell are you going to grow > up?? > > -Lisa And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, lovely Lisa, sweeter than any rose! You, finally, have asked } a question worthy of the Allmighty Oracle's talents -- namely, } one about the Oracle himself. You wish to know when I am going } to Grow up, oh Mistress of Lacy Underwear -- that is a simple } answer. I am going to grow up in eighteen point four million years. } At that point, I shall reach my full, intellectual, emotional, } physical, and sexual maturity. Now, you may think that's too } long, my Pornographic Poodle, but since I wish to share my maturity } with you, I shall of course keep you young, vital, and rich, in } the meantime. Unless, of course you don't want decadent } immortallity.... } } You owe the Oracle 24 hours in that little leather scrap of yours... } you know the one. I'll get the baby oil, you let the Yak loose.