From oracle-request Sun Mar 29 11:27:11 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 29 Mar 92 11:27:11 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #429 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 429 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #429 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Sun, 29 Mar 92 11:27:11 -0500 @@@ Apologies to the people who make epic jokes, and 's to those @@@ that post them as questions, but I'll still publish answers that @@@ are funny. It is unfortunate that I can't credit the authors but @@@ they are hard to find. The epic joke in this digest, of course, @@@ the letter from the System Administrator to a user, seen far below. @@@ Alea jacta est, --JRP To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 429 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 429-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have known this girl for almost 3 years now. Although she has a > boyfriend, I have this huge crush on her. I was wondering if the > mighty oracle could tell me how to approach her about this matter. I > don't want to lose her as a friend, but I really am in love with her. > I thank the great oracle. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } } } } } Well, yes people, I am back from the future. You know, I just } had to take a little trip to look a few months ahead for this } guy up here. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm omnipotent and everything, } but there's a difference between *knowing* something is going } to happen and *seeing* it happen oneself. } } Anyway, let me fill you all in on what I saw in the future, and } what is going to happen to this poor Questioner when he finally } breaks down and tells this woman just how much he loves her. } } } } Dim the lights, will you please? Ah, thank you. } } } } } } Ah, yes, it's summertime at last! June 29, 1992 to be exact. } Monday morning... ah that fateful Monday! We're standing } here in W's neighboorhood, and right ahead is her house. } } } } Ah, yes, there at the doorstep appears lovely W! Look at } her grace of form as she stretches and drinks in the dawn } of a lovely day! What a magnificent smile, it's no wonder } Q is in love with her. Ah, her warmth, her radiance, her } wonderful beauty... } } And what's this I see? Well, I believe it is the timid } young Q, hiding behind a tree in W's side yard! What's } that he's got in his hands? A boquet of roses! Oh, how } sweet, W is just going to *love* those! Oh, no, no, Q! } Look out for that... dog! Oh, no, Q, I'm sorry! It } looks like you're all WET! Shouldn't } have been standing right near that tree I guess, espec- } ially with those brown slacks on... } } Undaunted, Q shakes off his leg and steps from behind } his tree! Let's listen closely! } } Q: Uh... uh... uh... } } } } W: Oh, hi there! Morning! I was just going out for my } morning jog... what's that smell? } } Q: Oh, uh, it's, uh, a new cologne I've been trying. } } } } W: So, uh, who are the roses for? } } Q: Um, they're, uh... } } } } Q: They're for you. I uh... I love you. I've been } trying to keep these feelings in for months, and it } hasn't been working. I love you, and I want you to } leave that no-brained boyfriend you've been hanging } around with. I'll treat you better than he will, } the jerk. I'll do whatever you want for you. I'll } be your love slave! Just name it, it's yours! } Just tell me that you love me... } } } } B: WHAT's GOING ON HERE? } } Q: Uh, nothing, bug guy, I mean big guy! } Nothing at all! } } W: He was just bringing these } roses to... my mother! That's all, see, she's been } ill lately, and... } } Now, at this moment, I decided } to set straight an awkward situation... } } ORACLE: No, no, no, that's not what happened at } all! See, I have this videocamera here, and I } recorded the whole conversation. Hey, boyfriend, } you want to see it! } } } } } } So, wasn't that entertaining boys and girls? } The Questioner decided to pursue his life's dream, } and in the process get his life force sucked out } of his eye sockets. So the answer to the above } question is a most definite and sincere "NO", if } you have any desire to stay alive. And of course, } the moral of the story is, "'Tis better to have } loved and lost, just get it all down on videotape." } Until next time... } } Oh, by the way, you owe the Oracle a copy of } "'Ask Beth's' Pocket Guide to Dating." --- 429-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am a new user of the email system and all that and having already > after fifteen minutes of usership heard of thy infinite wisdom I just > couldn't refrain from sending you this message containing my deep > fil.-ethical question. Now I know that for this I'll probably be > ted from here to the eternal coalmines in no time at all, but I > simply must: Do you really find it morally & ethically right to be a > god, while we poor bastards here suffer first from life and then from > the lack of it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } >>> Somewhere in the realm of deity-land.... } } ORACLE> cat $PROCEDURES/new-supplicant-guide } } Guidelines for answering questions from new supplicants: } 1. Be understanding. Do not tease and/or harass new supplicant for } humerous/stupid editor/spelling mistakes. } 2. Answer the question fully and accurately, remember, you don't get } a second chance to make a first impression! } 3. Absolutely no ing whatsoever! } } >>> And now back to reality.... } } So, new user, you wish me to justify my existance as a deity. Don't } worry, I would *never* ZOT a fresh face with a valid question! To make } sure you understand this completely, I will give you multiple } justifications for my existance as a deity. Nota bene: } } Left justification, ragged right Left & right justification } |My existance as | |My existance as| } |a deity. | |a diety.| } } Right justification, ragged left Center justification } | My existance| | My | } |as a deity.| | existance | } | as | } | a | } | deity. | } } You owe the Oracle a follow-up message explaining just what the Hell } ``fil.-ethical'' is. And a copy of Word Perfect with a Spelling } Checker. --- 429-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > California Senator Paul Montgomery has recently proposed legislation > (HR-5297) which will require me to become a sexual maniac, compelled > to engage in despicable practices up to seven times a day with small > smelly dwarfish persons. Will this bill become law? If it does, what > can I do about it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why don't you take your question to Ray over in the Federal division } of inanities? He's down two floors, third door on the right. } } [ you trump down the hall following the Oracle's directions closely. } I might add it seems the first time you've done something according to } instructions!] } } [supplicant] Hi, I'm here to ask about the new bill (HR-5297)? } } [Ray] What! No grovelling? Why don't you go over to John in } Purchasing and Acquisitions. He'll be able to handle your question. } .. } } [supplicant] Hi, are you John? Know anything about (HR-5297)? } } [John] Listen you, I heard about your bad attitudes from Ray before } you walked in here. I'm of a mind to throw you right out on your } butt. However, since you seem to be one of those taxpayers, you } should probably go see Maggie over in Sexual Relations and Foreign } Affairs. She should be able to clear all of this up for you. } } ... } [supplicant] Oh Maggie, Lo, but you are the most beautiful bureaucrat } I have ever laid eyes on. Though I am below even the skin droppings } off of your littlest toe nail and would fall to dust if you but } breathed on me, I have the bravery to ask one question. } } What's the scoop on this new bill (HR-5297) } } [Maggie] Whew, you're new at this aren't you. I know just the person } for you to talk to. You've got just the right attitude and demeanor } for him to answer your question. Why don't you talk to the Oracle } over at Delphi. He's got the answer for you. } .. } } [Oracle] Learn your lesson yet? Look bills don't automatically } become laws. It takes media attention for something like this to } turn into a law. So here's my suggestion. } } Take over a public television station, change the channels and } broadcast your message of Indignation over the Young Indiana Jones } timeslot. That should shut down Senator Paul "Party On Dude" } Montgomery. } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime of subservience delivered in a tidy } bowl. --- 429-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, Whose wisdom exceeds in magnitude a number that > would encompass the perfidy of all politicians and government > bureaucrats and IBM middle-managers multiplied together, please > vouchsafe unto me this humble request: > > My job is taking all my energy and my wife is spending every penny > I make, and both promise to do so for the rest of my natural life. > In short, O great Oracle, I can't go on. Would You be so kind as > to grant me a boon and amuse Yourself in the bargain.... > > (Removes felt peasant's hat, indicating balding pate) > > Give me a right here. 50 megatons should do it. > > On the other hand, if You really are as sadistic as I've heard, > you may very well let me live. In which case, please ask Lisa to > pick out a particularly energetic Priestess and charge her with > the task of distracting me for six months or so. > > Many Thanks, Your Obt. Svt. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > ZOT QUERENT. } } As you attempt to zot the querent, the ghost of Kinzler comes to you } and mutters three times thrice: } "Zot not, you snot! Or you'll be shot!" } } > BLAST QUERENT } } As you attempt to blast the querent, a purple dolphin leaps between } your blaster and the querent's feltless skull, and is destroyed. You } collapse in woe. } } > DESTROY QUERENT. } } As you gather your powers for a Grand Destruction Zilchimentation, a } wahoo bird flying overhead lays a square egg, which falls squarely } upon your egg-shaped head. The goo googles up your blast, and the } Amazon rain forest goes up in smoke. You feel like a complete and } utter blockhead. } } > DISINTEGRATE QUERENT } } You have tried three times; you can try no more. } } > QUIT } } You owe the Oracle a pool of horrible mussles. --- 429-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and wonderful Oracle, whose breath defies description, > whose words of wisdom, if collected and written down would most > assuredly would fill at least a post card, please answer my humble > query: > Why can't I get a date with the cute girl at the next > terminal? I ask her every day, but she still says no. I've even > killed her former boyfriend, but she still won't consent. What should > I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I suspect that you should do 50 to life, with no chance of parole. } You owe the Oracle a ``Get Out of Jail Free'' card. --- 429-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is this ice cream called "butter pecan," if there's no butter and > no pecans in it? It looks more like a gruesome sludge of frozen slugs > to me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While reason for this is quite plain (not vanilla, however), it may not } be apparent at first glance. Unless, of course, one knows a great deal } about the manufacture and preparation of ice cream, as I of course do. } Leaving all of your preconceived notions of ice cream is important - } you probably imagine vast vats of delicious-smelling cream churning } within great freezers. Folly, I tell you! } } The reason that butter pecan ice cream looks like a gruesome slude of } frozen slugs is that, in actuality (which is never reflected in the } list of ingredients, which are of course purely fictional and merely } present for the benefit of nutritionists and other health-care workers } who find them amazingly entertaining and often receive cash payments } from poor, woebegone souls who believe that they are divinely inspired } with the knowledge of what any given person should or should not eat), } butter pecan ice cream *is* a gruesome sludge of frozen slugs. The } name "butter pecan" actually evolved in much the way that the term } "Corn beef" did. You see, before the slugs are frozen, they are } carefully raised on a strict diet (prescribed by the aforementioned } nutritionists and health-care workers) of butter (inferior brands of } butter pecan ice cream typically feed their slugs margarine) and pecans } (inferior brands use 1/4" threaded nuts). The slugs are then removed } from their sibslugs and placed in a Vanilla Ice room, where they are } subjected to lousy rap music until they begin to exude large quantities } of mucus in an attempt to suffocate themselves. This mucus is } collected with the slugs and later becomes the dark swirls in the ice } cream. The final step, of course, is to cream the butter pecan ice, } and I feel it would be inappropriate to go into the manner in which } this is accomplished here. } } You owe the Oracle one bottle of pepto-bismol. --- 429-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Recently you called me on the phone. You were quite frantic. You > were having trouble running a program through the computer, and your > message was clear enough, although rather ill-conceived: "MY FILES ARE > FULL!" > > I furrowed my brow, and explained to you, "Really now, Mr. Oracle I > don't have time for this." I slowly exhaled as I killed your process, > crushing any hopes you may have had of ever again seeing that answers > you had spent three hours slaving over. > > "I was typing this REALLY important answerr, and it HAS to be > ready in an hour... there's all this stuff on my screen that I > didn't type... it says something about an error, should I read > it to you?" > > "No point. Just press return." > > "Oh my, it wants my username. Can I restart that where I left > off?" > > "Not a chance." I tossed the phone aside. It occurred to me > that if I had to hear one more of those whining complaint > sessions, heads were going to roll. Where do you people GET > this stuff? I'm going to tell you what's really going on > here. Now LISTEN UP. I'm not going over this a second time: > > Computer > The black box that does your work for you. That's all you > need to know. > > Response Time > Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in > calendar months. The general rule is: Shut up your > complaining about response time. > > Hardware > See "Computer." Again, not your concern. > > Software > If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it, otherwise, > leave us alone. > > Network > Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send > mail among your half-wit selves, and don't think we won't read > it all. What do you think we do all day? > > Data > The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find > any, delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just > stay off the computer. (See "Response Time") > > System Crash > Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the > computer is down. Don't call him to ask him when it will be > up again. The more you bother him, the longer it takes. > > Downtime > Like I said, don't ask > > Uptime > Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face > > Overtime > Don't be ridiculous. > > Vacation > A time during which I don't have to put up with your > sniveling. Don't try calling. There's no point. > > Computer Room > Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door -- > don't even think about it. I broke the phone last time one > of you jerks called me, and I'm not about to replace it. And > keep your greasy fingers off the windows. > > My Office > The name says it all... it's mine; stay out. > > Your Problems > The name says it all... > > Deadlines > The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; > they're not my responsibility. Go tell someone who cares. > > Maintenance > a) A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time. > b) Much more important than anything any of you bozos do. > c) Anything I choose to call "maintenance" is maintenance. > > Software Upgrades > Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm > upgrading the system, just be quietly thankful. It's for your > own good, even if it does mean extensive downtime during peak > hours. > > Electronic Mail > I delete it before it's read, so don't bother sending any to > me. > > Defaults > We like them just like they are; we chose them for a reason. > Don't mess with them; consider them mandatory. > > Error Messages > I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your process anyway, so > keep them to yourself. > > Killing your Process > a) Don't ever ask why > b) Beyond your control > c) No warnings are given > d) The highlight of my day > e) If you call, it's going to happen. No exceptions. > > Passwords > I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. > I choose them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading > yours will be. > (Example: ORACLE: SNOTFACE) > > Users > a) They slow down the computer > b) They waste my time > c) A general nuisance > d) Worse than that, actually > > Software Modifications > You don't know what you want -- we'll tell you what you want. > It stays like it is. Period. > > Privileges > I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said. > > Priority > Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my > games run faster than your lousy accounting package. (See > "Response Time") > > Terminals > Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this: > a) Are you prepared to do without one for weeks? > b) Do you REALLY want your process killed? > c) Did you just trip over the cord again? > d) Of course you did. > > Disk Space > I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, > check "Data Files". > > Operator > I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him to. > Usually armed; always dangerous. > > Backups > A good idea if I gave a shit, which of course I don't. > > Lunch > The only time that calling my office won't result in the > killing of your process. > > Data Security > That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to lose any > sleep over it. My files are locked up tight. I feel secure. > > Jiffy > Length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing > your process. > > Eternity > Length of time it takes me to give a shit about any problem > that can't be resolved by killing your process. > > Impossible > a) It can't be done (as far as you know) > b) I can't be bothered > c) You're starting to annoy me > > Inevitable > a) Couldn't have been avoided > b) Not my fault (as far as you know) > c) The result of annoying me > > Menus > If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. > If it is on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't > work. We're working on it (See "Eternity"). > > Utilities > I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible. > Besides, they're not on your menu, are they. What did I tell > you about that? > > Nuisance > You. > > Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from > the above list. I'm not asking you to accept these matters without > question, I'm telling you. > > Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future > problems. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to > keep them to yourself. If you feel the need for more information, I > highly recommend that you ask someone else > Sincerely, > The System Manager > > P.S. The new disk quota of 30 blocks per user became effective > yesterday. Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their > accounts (this means you, Oracle!) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh really... we'll see about that.... } } Login: oracle } Password: ******** } Account deleted. Please contact system administrator. } } Hmmm. The little bastard actually did it. Right. } } Login: ORACLE } Password: } Trapdoor activated Oh great one, what do you want to play? } > Global Thermonuclear War } Certainly Oh great one. } You have an enormous supply of MERV s } I have two scuds. } Select target(s) } > Aim -all `search -net (-user root -or -user sysadmin)` } All MERV s targeted on console of principal NFS server } > Spy `search -net (-user root -or -user sysadmin)` } CPU Duration Program name Main data fields } 99.996% 2.3 hours Tetris Score: 172 } 00.002% 2.7 hours Typing tutor Keystrokes: 984 Correct: 3 } > } *** Incoming scud attack on your location } >Sweep aside } *** Scud attack failed utterly } > Launch All } {Distant Rumble} } *** You have won (again) Oh great one } ^D } Session terminated. } } Login: oracle } Password: ******** } } Message of the Day } Apologies for lack of some services, we're waiting for replacement } parts at the moment (accident in computer room). New job vacancy in } /etc/vacancies/sysadmin } } /usr/oracle$ quota } No quota set } /usr/oracle$ du . } 374856934 ./grovels } 64536662 ./lisa } 584635352 . } } That's much better. } You owe Me a better organised set of directories. --- 429-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most high and wise, upon whom I am not worthy to direct > my gaze, and whose mighty gaseous discharges bring joy to the hearts > of millions, hear my plea! > > I have been told that to become a full member of a club, I must > submit to some sort of hazing process. The phrase "the cheese that > cannot die" keeps coming up. Do you think I should go through > with this, or run screaming into the night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's study this one step by step. } } > Oh Oracle } } A decent start. } } > most high and wise } } Obvious drug reference. The Oracle doesn't know how to take this, as } he hasn't done drugs for quite a while, at least not since Owlsley } died. } } > upon whom I am not worthy to direct my gaze, } } Paired with "wise" of the previous clause, makes fair and coy reference } to my obvious brilliance. Grovel factor: 2.8 -- not too bad. } } > and whose mighty gaseous discharges bring joy } } The Oracle _likes_ being pandered to, but is not entertained by smug } supplicants. This indicates that the supplicant has a hidden agenda. } } > to the hearts of millions, } } A subtle reference to the Papist anti-Masonic activities of the middle } 1700s. The Oracle still bears some scars from that night in Edinburgh. } The message is becoming more suspicious as we go along. (For those not } in the know, "hearts of millions" is a reference to the Sacred Heart } teachings handed down by word of mouth since the early middle ages.) } } > hear my plea! } } Fairly rote beseeching. I sense feigned desperation. } } > I have been told that to become a full member of a club } } I note the cagey hiding of the identity of the club. Despite this, I } can positively identify the organization as being one of three or four. } The phrase "full member" is a very obvious sexual reference; when } in the phrase "full member of a club" the aspects of blood-engorgement } and large scale violent sexual orgies is a strong subtext. } } > I must submit to } } The meaning is most obvious, given its placement in context with the } previous phrase. } } > some sort of hazing process. } } As I suspected, the questioner is speaking of the Process Church, a } modern branch of an ancient line of anti-Christian brotherhoods headed } by none other than the Pope. The peculiar choice of the word "hazing" } makes this clear: Wheras the questioner is, on the surface, speaking } of an initiation ritual, he is also referring to the "hazy" lineage } of the church itself, a code word most often preferred by members of } the church, by the way. } } > The phrase "the cheese that cannot die" keeps coming up. } } What a splendid multiple entendre sentence! Surface meaning: } Discussion of a recent meal at a bad Mexican restaurant. Context: As } referred to in the slang expression "to cut the cheese", the cheese is } cut and cut again but does not die. The initiate to the order is being } introduced to the rites of passage in a colloquial way. Subtext: The } cheese is a metaphor for the deity. It cannot die, and it keeps coming } up. Further, the postulant to the order will be digested ("processed") } and become a unit ("coming up") in the Process Church ("cannot die"). } } No newcomer into the order could contrive such a message in such a way. } He would know too little of the church to write such a message even } while subconsciously phrasing his writing so. Therefore, I suspect } that the message was actually written by a veteran member, and one } intent on entrapping the Oracle. } } > Do you think I should go through with this, } } An invitation for me to persue the trail of a wayward youth, and become } entrapped in the foul talons of a papist-antipapist conspiracy! I } cannot be fooled so easily! } } > or run screaming into the night? } } The night is the shadow, where the conspirators hide. To enter the } den is to become entrapped, and to escape in the dark is to become lost } forever. } } I know your identity, foul soul! I know you to the core of your being! } For all these years I have tracked you, and always at the last moment } you escaped my net. Now, I have you, and I shall unmask you! } } You shall never wrack evil on the face of the earth again, Moriarty! --- 429-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Let us know what you like! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I like long walks on the beach. } I like walnut. } I like forest green. } I like forests, preferably redwood. } I like nights when the moons are full (you poor humans won't know } for a long time just how magnificent more than one moon can } look). } I like the first two seasons of 'Late Night with David } Letterman.' } I like homes wired with three-prong outlets. } I like the Amiga 3000 (what can I say?). } I like chairs where the whole chair tilts back, not just the } back. } I like wooden pencils rather than mechanical pencils. } I like surge protector strips where the neon light doesn't slowly } decay into darkness. } I like the Nerf bow-and-arrow set. } I like RJ-11 phone connectors. } I like Wayne and Garth. } I like Steve Wright. } I like the Video Toaster. } I like those new super bright 5000 millicandela LED's. } I like buttery-smooth black leather. } I like the movie "The Wizard of Speed and Time." } I like videodisc recorders. } I like New York city tap water. } I like the rail system in Germany. } I like Birkenstocks. } I like those machines that let you make soda pop at home. } I like shiny spandex. } I like the game "Lemmings." } I like THX-equipped theatres (I don't like how much I have to pay } to get into one). } I like amethyst. } I like belts that have a hole *exactly* where I need one. } I like sponges with ScotchBrite on the back. } I like office chairs to have five wheels, not four. } I like incandescent lighting. } I like big old castles they let you wander all around in. } I like pepperoni and pineapple pizza. } I like when Domino's is late. } I like stores that don't impose a surcharge when you pay with } your ATM/EFT card. } I like phone systems that, when you're put on hold, simply go } "boop" at you periodically. } I like the woman that used to read off the time over the phone } ("The time is three... forty seven... and ten seconds. } *beep*"). } I like the Dodge Stealth. } I like Hewlett-Packard. } I like the doors on "Star Trek: The Next Generation." } I like the sound effects on the show, too. } I like brass that's been treated such that after I've handled it, } my hands don't smell funny. } I like the book "MIT's Guide to Lockpicking." } I like shallow-pile carpets so that kids can play with their toy } cars on them. } I like alt.sex.bondage (most of the time). } I like those teeny little screws they use to assemble glasses. } I like hand-crank pencil sharpeners. } I like washing machines with agitators that go up and down. } I like pens with purple ink. } I like any video game set to free play. } I like grandfather clocks. } I like going through the linen section of department stores and } ripping the tags off pillows. } I like sourdough french bread (but it has to be made *just* } right). } I like those cylindrical elevators with decorative lights } and windows that ride up and down on the outside. } I like when Prodigy does something stupid. } I like the woman that put Mike Tyson back in jail. } I like those stupid tasteless little umbrellas you get in drinks } at cheesy bars. } I like Fischer-Technik sets (the German equivalent of Lego). } I like watching the spin-dry cycle. } I like whiteboards (as opposed to blackboards). } I like The Exploratorium. } I like using household products in manners inconsistent with } their labelling. } I like Lisa. No, scratch that. I *LOVE* Lisa. } } I also like grovelling. Remember that next time. } } You owe The Oracle a readable MPW manual. --- 429-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I always eat eggs on the 173d day of the year. It's a bit early , but > I like to plan ahead. Should I have a glass of white wine with them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As the 173rd day falls on a Monday this year, I understand your } impatience. } } The choice of what to drink with your eggs is a delicate one. It } depends largely upon what style of eggs you have chosen. Most } combinations are obvious, but here is an excerpt from the Official } Oracular Drinks with Eggs Chart to help you determine what forms of } alcohol are acceptable: } } Egg Preferred Drink } ------------ -------------------- } Benedict Reisling } } Spanish Omelet Romulan Ale (expensive but worth it) } } Airline Eggs Straight Vodka } } Over Easy Coffee, vienna roast } } Sunny Side Up Grain alchohol } } Scrambled A red wine with a screw top } } Since I am the Oracle, I am of course aware of the egg you had in mind. } Actually any type of wine that comes in a box will go well with Egg } McMuffin. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of something french to go with His } Eggs Napoleon.