From oracle-request Mon Apr 27 08:55:53 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 27 Apr 92 08:55:53 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #439 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 439 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #439 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Mon, 27 Apr 92 08:55:53 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 439 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 439-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, Oracle, Great and Big, > What colour should I paint my pig? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I sit here minding business mine } and you wish to dye a swine? } } The color should be done with care } and not harm its hide nor hair } } I would suggest plaid you see } because plaid appeals to me } } but it would be hard for find } on a round pig, a straight line } } So one full color I suggest } and to finish with this swinish jest } } my advice to you, whether young or old } "It's an olympic year, go for the Gold!" --- 439-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #1 What image symbolizes the absolute of your desires? > > #2 Describe ways your life is affected by invisible forces > you don't understand or are barely aware of. > > #3 Tell a good lie. > > #4 Write a beautiful blasphemy that makes you feel like crying. > > #5 Describe the circumstances in which you were most dangerously > alive. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well! You might not have groveled at all, but your questions bring } back a few memories. So here you are: } } 1. Lisa is covered with jello and whipped cream, holding a small } Shih-Tzu which is wearing a Frederick's G-string. There are marble } columns in the background which are purple with mirrors and the floor } is covered with Velcro. In the background a Red Sovine song is playing } faintly. } } 2. I get up every morning, grumble out of bed, sit in front of my } terminal, and proceed to answer qyestions from ignorant mortals who } haven't a chance of getting a clue before they bite the big one. Why? } } 3. Bush really does mean well. He doesn't have any personal power } interests whatsoever. He's out to help the farmers and the manual } workers. It's just that all the red tape he deals with means he has to } make decisions that make him look like a power-hungry war-monger who's } licking the boots of the rich. } } 4. Elvis is dead. Dead and buried. He is *not* operating a hot-dog } stand in Dubuque, Iowa with Jim Morrison. } } 5. Well, there was one episode... I was visiting Olympus, and ran into } a babe called Aphrodite. She was pretty hot, and invited me over to } her palace for a little Crisco and Hershey's Syrup. I accepted, and we } were having a grand old time until her husband Hephaestus showed up. } He came after me with an anvil, and let me tell ya, a couple of } Oracular s to the head didn't even make him blink. A } slowed him down a little, but I ended up having to run in a most } undignified fashion (that is, without my pants). Hephaestus is a } pretty big guy, and all that weight finally slowed him down. I got } away. } But this is all an introduction. The moment I was most dangerously } alive was when I snuck back into the Oracular palace without my pants } and had to try and explain to Lisa what I had been doing. Take my } advice. Don't ever get her pissed off at you. } } You owe the Oracle a Barbara Walters interview. --- 439-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Christopher Pettus" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ...what the little "o" means on the diagnostic LED of a Tektronix > 8560 multi-user software development unit's disk controller > board, which is refusing to boot... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The little "o" means that an oceanic otter (named Octavia O'Connor) -- } obviously, oblivious to the obligations of her office, has obviously } oozed or ostentatiously opted or otherwise offstaged to some orgy or } oratorio or other odious occurrence. --- 439-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why do mathematics suck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Brownstein's axiom of negative mathematical distribution states: } } 2 } P = Hv / r } } where r is the integral of f(s)dt over the range of an academic } semester. Since s can also be defined as function v for sufficiently } large delta v's, you can substitute } } f(s)dt = f'(v)dt } } However, at sufficiently large delta v's (which can be experimentally } shown to be much more than two sigmas below an academic semester), } f'(v) is a negative function that decreases without bound. (Proof of } this is left as an exercise.) } } Since H is always positive (as is the square of v, of course), over one } semester or more the value of P, the pressure exerted by mathematics, } is negative. Ergo, mathematics sucks. QED } } ======================================================================== } You owe the Oracle a proof of Fermat's last theorem, to be delivered } before 3:00PM tomorrow afternoon. } } Oh, and by the way... That problem set in Differential Equations, the } one you pulled the all-nighter on and slipped under the TA's door at } the very last minute in one last desperate attempt to pass the course? } All the TA ever found upon opening the door was a rectangular smudge of } ash. You see, I 'ed it because you made not even a flimsy attempt } at groveling. Rules are rules, you know. --- 439-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, who I fear to even grovel to, keeper of the > thousand-eyed hydra, wearer of exciting underwear, and grower of the > infinite toenail polish remover, do this one thing for me... > > Hey, Oracle, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat! > > Nuth'n up ma sleeve.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wrong hat. } } You owe the Oracle a seven-and-a-half and something he'll really like. --- 439-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hail, Oh Convoluted One! I smack my forehead against the dust at your > feet! I knock my temples against your doorkocker in hopes of an answer! > I extoll your greatness whilst spinning dizzily in the rinse cycle of > my washing machine to prove my devotion to your infinite divinty! I.. > I.. I.. > > I've forgotten my question... > > NO WAIT! Here it is... > > Why is it that the first time I sent out a question to the > Oracle, I was immediately asked for a reply to another question, and > yet, was not so asked on subsequent questions? Is there a shortage of > questions? A surplus of Oracles? A limited supply of multiverse serial > numbers? > > Save me from uncertainty, Oh Supercalifragelistic One! Tell me WHY? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } We apologise for the sub-standard service you have experienced with } regard to question supply. This was due to our not having received the } relevant parts from our supplier. Needless to say, the supplier has } now been subjected to a painful and unrepeatable form of Japanese } torture. } } As recompense for the trouble caused, please select any one of the } following complementary questions and return the answer to the above } address. } } Yours faithfully, } } P. N. Wunys, } Oracularity Supply Services, Inc. } } Your FREE questions are as follows. } } 1. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck } wood? } 2. Why? } 3. What's the difference between a duck? } 4. Is Lisa good in bed? } 5. Can I get a date with Lisa? } 6. I'm a complete computer geek. How can I get laid? } 7. Why did the chicken cross the road? } 8. Is there anything more embarassing than getting your Willy frozen } to the windsceen-wiper of a police cruiser? } 9. What is a ? } 10. I'm bored. What can I do? } 11. What are the questions on the next exam paper? } 12. } 13. I can't remember the question. } 14. What is the meaning of life? } 15. What's the difference between MC Hammer and MC Escher? } 16. What's the difference between a salami and a salamander? } 17. What's the difference between Solaris and Polaris? } 18. Who will be the next President? } 19. What's the strangest question you've ever been asked? } 20. When will ZYLOXIPHOBIN be invented? --- 439-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From New York ("May we check your bags?") it's Late Night, with > David Letterman! Dave's guest tonight is the Usenet Oracle! > Also, Paul Shafer and the World's Most Dangerous Band. > > And now, Mr. Wardrobe himself, it's David Letterman! > > > > DL: Hello, how are you, nice to see you. (Please excuse me > while I take a moment to enjoy my jacket. Ah...) > > Ladies and Gentlemen, you could not have chosen a more > entertaining program to view right there in the comfort > of your own home. Tonight, we have the Usenet Oracle > with us, and we'll be bringing out the Oracle in just a > moment. But first, please say hello to our friend Paul > Shafer. Paul... > > PS: Thank you Dave, thank you. Dave, I can't tell you how > excited I am that the Usenet Oracle is here. > > DL: I know what you mean, Paul. Paul, do you have a question > for the Oracle? > > PS: Well Dave, I was going to ask the Oracle what the heck > do I have to do to get a show of my own. Ha ha, just > kidding Dave. > > DL: Very funny Paul. You know Paul, you can be replaced by > a fifty buck Casio, you know. > > Ladies and gentlemen, our next guest has been gracing > us mere mortals with wisdom for many years now. Please > welcome the all-know, all-seeing, Carnak the Magnificent! > Heh heh, just kidding. Here now, ladies and gentlemen, > the Usenet Oracle! > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } UO: Dave, to answer you questions, yes, no, three of them, you'll have } to ask Lisa, it's physically impossible for you without surgery. } And Paul, 2 mg each day should be enough and it's difficult to } prove anything. } } DL: What--- } } UO: I hoped you would ask me that. You owe the oracle (incarnated as } bof@cs.uq.oz.au) an apology for the fourth question. } --- 439-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O! Oracle,MostGreat Wisest OfThe Wise AndThe Entity That > The GoddessesOfThe Sexiest Bodys Drool Upon Please Tell Me! > What IsTheAnswer, Oh!Great Deity ToThis My QuestionThat Must > BeOne OfTheWorst Questions Created ByThisPerson (Me!) > JustTo Be One Confusing, AndWierd QuestionThat YouCan > Detect, By ThisSimple, IfOdd Fashion: YouMustSquintYourEye > GentlyIn This DirectionAnd Then, TheQuery WillBecomeRe Vealed And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OracleReplyNumberTenKazillionAndThree,InResponseToAboveQuestion. } O! Querent,WhoHasTo OwnOne OfThe Nicest Screen EditorsThat } The Oracle'sHadThe Delight ToSee WhatYou Have AskedIsAmong } That OfTheHardest Thousand Posts ToComeTo My MailBoxSinceI } Began Tolerating Questions Addressed ToMeInThisPoor } Style. It IsA ProblemIAm NotCertain YouAreWillingTo } Hearken My AnswerTo.If Brave YouAre,And StrongOfHeart,I } AskYouTo Look AtMyResponse InThe SameManner AtYourOwnRisk.I } MustTell YouI WishYouNever Asked SuchARisky Question.YouSee } MortalsWereNeverMeantToKnowThingsLikeThis.AllMortalsWantToAccept } SomethingAlongTheLinesOfDivineIntervention,ThatTheirLivesAsAFact } Do AddUpTo MoreThan Simply ATiny PensionAt } An EndTo ACareer And Lunch Once Each WeekAtMc } D. I Hate ToTell You,I ReallyDo, ButLifeJustIs OneBigSlab } Of &* #!% After Another GotIt??? YouWakeEarly BeforeSheep } Or Pig Or Other Animals WithMore ReasonAndYou DoItInOrder } To Kill A Little Time! HearMe,Oh Humans!YourMiserableLives } Of WoeTo MeAreSo Fun ToWatch!HA HAHAHAHAHAHA HA!JustWait } To FindOut IfYouCan EverBecomeA HumanBeingOf Happiness.I } DoubtIt!YouOweTheOracleMontyPython's"TheMeaningOfLife"InBetaForm --- 439-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wondrous Oracle whose name shall not be taken in vain, except in > comparison to the more notable Greek Gods, > > How is it that chocolate is considered an aphrodisiac, when it > never brings me romance, yet brings acne and puppy fat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "The Usenet Oracle": "An answer to the #Qa09602 question is required by } the Oracle." (Apr 22, 6:26): } } First of all, dear supplicant, congratulations for your excellent } grovelling! And now to the matter at hand.. } } The answer lies in the question itself. Ask yourself "considered BY } WHOM?" and the following facts become evident: } } * CHOCOLATE AND COURTSHIP: The heart-shaped chocolate box is an age-old } metaphor of old-fashioned courting. Hundreds of such boxes have been } presented to young maidens by handome suitors in older Hollywood movies } and syndicated cartoons. But HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE RECIPIENT EAT THE } CONTENTS? Of course not; the lady is delighted by the present but } promptly hands it to the plump servant maid, takes the suitor's arm and } leads him to the patio to meet her parents. } } This may partly be because actresses must watch their figure; but so do } all unmarried women nowadays. It wasn't always that way: the current } concept of feminine beauty differs radically from e.g. the baroque } one. The lovely ladies of Rubens were free to eat as much chocolate as } they liked! This is a special case of THE PRINCIPLE OF LUXURY FADS (and } chocolate certainly is one): something is luxurious only as long as } only the wealthiest can get it. Consider e.g. the tan: In former } times, most people had to work outdoors, so the rich flaunted their } wealth by staying in and obtaining a milk-white skin. After } industrialization most people began working indoors, so the rich } started flaunting the fact that they can afford to lie in the sun. } } BTW, guess what happened to the chocolate box? Yep, the maid ate it. } She will stay an old maid, due to her looks, and remain a loyal servant } of the family. Doubly clever. } } * CHOCOLATE AND ROMANCE: The strongest - and perhaps only - connection } between chocolate and romance is the connection between the pulp } magazine rack and the candy rack in your local store. Their intended } consumers are the same; "C'mon, pick up a romantic paperback and a big } box of chocolate - you'll never have a real date anyway.." } } Both products employ the same marketing gimmicks: just consider the } people in the paperback covers and candy bar ads. Young, slender, } beautiful,.. the kind of people who probably obey the strictest diets. } This insultingly simple formula works as well: the makers of Mars &c. } are among the 10 wealthiest families in the world. } } * CHOCOLATE AND LOVE: Scientists have discovered that chocolate } contains a certain enzyme, which the human body emits when in love. } Therefore they speculate that excessive chocolate-eating is } unconsciously used to cure the "hang-over" after an affair. } Unfortunately, some addicts become junkies and cannot stop, even after } a decent mourning period. Sweden, a North-European country renowned for } its casual attitude towards not only sex but also other emotional } subjects, is now offering rehabilitation for chocolate junkies. The } treatment consists of an overdose of Marabou milk chocolate and a } stomach pump. } } * CHOCOLATE AND SEX: This is really an unsuitable subject for a } discussion accessible to minors without parental guidance. Suffice it } to say that chocolate stains are very difficult to remove from silk } sheets. } } These should be enough for you to draw your own conclusions. } } You owe the Oracle a revised paperback edition of "The Capital" by Karl } Marx with a happy ending. And 100mg of melted chocolate intravenously. --- 439-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O tasteful Oracle, whose phone cord is never tangled, who can drink > even the most heinous beer and yet enjoy it and not be hung over the > next morning, whose hair is more elegantly coiffed than Cher's and yet > is still pleasing to look at, please answer for me this question: > > When I'm lifting weights, what can I do to avoid being distracted by > the large-breasted woman who is always on the Stairmaster? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While focusing on your inner chi, repeat this mantra over and over } again: "they're_probably_dow_corning_implants_they're_probably_dow_corni } ng_implants"and find what peace there maybe found in silicone, er, } silence.