From oracle-request Wed May 20 07:29:24 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 20 May 92 07:29:24 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #446 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 446 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #446 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Wed, 20 May 92 07:29:24 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 446 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 446-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that.. > > "men and women were created equal, but then women > continued to improve" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes of course it is! In the beginning, the human species was } released as human1.0b. The man/woman thing was a very simple } software switch. But like all software projects, } human1.0b was enhanced and improved on. Things like external } plumbing went away, not to mention the more subtle changes like } getting rid of the gallons of testerone that made the old version } so unpredictable. However, around human12.34 it was realized } that these enhancements had been made only to the women and } the men were still stuck at human1.0b. } } You may have been in a similiar situation yourself. You know, if } you have just installed fortran1.4 but still have the } old fortran1.1 hanging around "just in case." And to be honest, } there's still some good features of fortran1.1 that were removed } from fortran1.4. In the human case, it has been found that many } of the members of human18.54 (the current release) quite like } some the features from human1.0b. Besides, the gallons of testerone } make it much easier to squash yucky bugs. } } Several quick and dirty fixes have been introduced along the way. } In human14.5 the standard human1.0b was used, minus the external } plumbing. These failed to be popular outside of sultan's harems. } In human18.52 the plumbing was retained but the mindset was altered, } hence the emerging Sensitive New Age Guys you may occasionally } run across, but these are unlikely to squash bugs for you and } hence are not completely popular either. } } A longer effort is in the planning to truly merge some of the better } features from both releases while retaining the important differences. } However, like most software projects, progress has been } mired down by committees and endless staff meetings. I wouldn't } expect to see anything really good before the end of the next } millenium. And by then, you'll probably have to buy a new site } license too. --- 446-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most sharply-dressed Oracle: > > Who is that little man wearing my pants and why is he doing it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Inside every man's pants is a little man. He lives there, nestled in } fur, keeping himself warm and ready for action, at which time he is } dressed in a little latex vest (he tends to dribble a bit when taken } out in public). He is so shy that he actually stiffens with fear! Due } to the fact that he lives permanently cossetted in fur, he tends to } like being surrounded by it at all times... he will do his utmost to } bury himself in anything furry that he encounters whilst in this } dressed-up, scared-stiff state, so much so that he will dive into the } recently encountered fur, then, finding that he cannot get in far } enough, reverse out and proceed once more to dive in! He does this } with such fervour that he makes himself sick and then gives up, } falling asleep and relaxing in the process. At this point, he } disappears back into his man's pants, staying there until the next } time he comes out in public... } } The Oracle got sidetracked once again.... >sigh< --- 446-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Shiny bubbles, in the wine, > make me feel happy, make me feel fine." > > This, O Oracle, is an ancient song of merry making, > before CPSC geeks had the Oracle to make them feel > happy and needed. Now you, O Oracle most effervescent, > are the bubbles in their chocolate milk which crusts > up VT100 keyboards so effectively. O Oracle > inambulamnistic and poincare, please tell me: > > what if the bubbles are in your bloodstream? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shiny bubbles, in the blood, } Make the heart go "Thud Thud Thud" } } As the bubbles go round and round, } The heart, it stops this normal sound... } } As the blood begins to fizz, } The brain itself begins to Zizzzz! } } Blood and bubbles, round in a loop, } The body now begins to droop! } } Valves of heart, by bubbles blocked, } Brain goes off, all half-cocked, } } Body falls, down to floor, } Person now is no more. } } You owe the Oracle an epitaph and no flowers, by request. --- 446-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Big Oracle-type dude: > > What should I do if I fail all of my finals this semester? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Repeat after me: } } "Would you like fries with that?" } } You owe the oracle two burgers, a large diet coke, and an order of } fries --- 446-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Hello?" he called meekly. His voice echoed in the scary chamber. > The ceiling was sooty and the place smelled of lighter fluid. > > "Hello!" he called more boldly this time. "Is anyone here?" > > He had been told by a fairy-girl with dainty feet that this place > was occupied by a temperamental spirit she knew only as "Uncle Orcle", > who could answer any question. > > "Great Uncle Orcle! I hope you can hear me. I traveled for > weeks to come here. I crawled through miserable deserts by day and > stumbled groggily over mountain ranges by night. I ate nothing except > one insect by accident. I came to ask the following question: > > IN WHAT POSITION DO PORCUPINES MAKE LOVE?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The wizened oracle gazed thoughtfully upon the child. "I have trouble } believing, my son, that you are truly as young as you seem." } } Just as the almighty lay poised on his finger, Lisa cried } "Orrie! No! He's just a kid, and besides, there's lighter fluid in } here." } } The Oracle pondered, and lowered his finger. "I see. Well, child, } here is the answer to your question: } } Porcupines make love in many ways, } As many as number warm summer days. } Sometimes you think they would prick themselves silly, } But that's what they need, a prick or a willy. } } You owe me the bug you ate." } } And the child did leave, having been enlightened. --- 446-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most humble oracle: > > How much is that gorilla in the window? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cost of Gorilla = x + ay + bz + c } } The gorilla itself costs some amount x. Then there's the cost of } feeding the gorilla, which eats several pounds of bananas a day, which } is a days at y per pound. Then we throw in a personal pooper scooper } for the gorilla (let's face it, you wouldn't want to scoop up his shit, } now would you?), which costs z dollars per number of hours b. } } And what's c? Well, c is the amount of damage the gorilla will do on } your house, your town, your state, and eventually, the whole world, } which as the pet's owner, you would be reponsible for. } } The question you should ask yourself is -- do I really _want_ that } gorilla in the window? Think about it. } } You owe the oracle some bananas, whipped cream, and a cherry on top. --- 446-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best way to make a lot of money,if i have nothing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They used to say, "It takes money to make money -- or a very good } printing press." But today, there are lots of opportunities } available to persons like yourself to make millions and millions of } dollars, drachmas, pesos, or lirae WITHOUT HAVING TO GET A JOB! } Here are just a few examples: } } 1. Take out a small ad in the local newspaper offering to sell people } your own personal secret to making money, which happens to be } taking out a small ad in the local newspaper offering to sell } people your own personal secret to making money. } } 2. Send your congressman a letter stating that you possess certain } tapes, videos, and 8 x 10 glossy photos that he might be interested } in for a price. When he pays you, send him a copy of that old Air } Supply tape you've been trying to get rid of and a picture from } your trip to Fiji. } } 3. Find out when the next Mafia Godfather trial is scheduled for in } your area (there are usually six or seven per month in New York). } Dress up like a judge and hang around the courtroom until three } men in Italian suits and designer sunglasses show up and hand you } an envolope full of cash. } } 4. Sell your neighbor's car. } } 5. Stand out on the street corner selling small bags of flour or } baking soda for extremely high prices. } } 6. Become a rock star. If your backup group is loud enough, you don't } need any singing ability. If you slur your words enough, you don't } even need to be able to write lyrics! } } 7. Develop a cold-fusion reactor in your basement. } } 8. Ask the all-knowing, great and powerful Usenet Oracle to reveal to } you next week's winning lottery numbers. I would have done it in } this post, but you didn't grovel. } } 9. Become a televangelist. All you need to start out in this lucrative } field is a bible, a microphone, a public-access cable station, and } a post-office box. } } 10. Go to your local hardware store and buy all of the hammers, screws, } toilet seats, and coffee makers that you can afford. Sell them to } the Pentagon at 10000% markup. } } And if you use your imagination, I'm sure you can come up with dozens } more. You owe the Oracle 10% of all you make in the future. --- 446-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I have but two questions that friends of mine would like > to have answered. > > 1) PW wants to know why men have nipples. > > 2) EH wants to know if bliss is ignorance. > > Could you possibly answer these questions for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > 1) PW wants to know why men have nipples. } } Ah yes, well, you see, your question is well put, but sadly } misinformed. Men are *supposed* to have nipples. It's women who } shouldn't have them. Mix-up somewhere along the evolutionary line, I'd } expect. Terrible cock-up. The nipple was originally designed as a } secondary erogenous zone for the male to mitigate the fact that his } primary zone afforded him nothing but the briefest of releases (except, } of course, in the case of whips, chains, and sushi bars, but Lisa made } me promise not to reveal any of that until she'd gotten the patent } rights fixed). Women were initially blueprinted to have breasts with } little wooden spigots, one labeled "Hot" and one labeled "Cold". State } of the Art being what it was at the dawn of time, fancy metals ones } couldn't be used (I had to point this out to God or else technological } evolution would have gone straight down the drain, so to speak, from } the beginning). Sadly, the blueprints for kitchen sinks, which were to } have fancy squeeze bulbs for primitive water pressure washing, were } somehow substituted for the female human blueprints. Something to do } with Adam being around when God was building sinks and said "Pass me } the wrench". After installing nipples on Eve, Adam realized he'd made a } mistake and dropped the "r" somewhere along the way, but by then it was } too late (and no one's been able to improve on the design since anyway, } so it's best to leave well enough alone). } } > 2) EH wants to know if bliss is ignorance. } } Well, anagramatically speaking, if your SO says to you "nice organ!", } it would be bliss for you born out of "ignorance", so yes, I should } think it is. Depending of course, on who's turning the spigot. } } You owe the Oracle a glass of milk. --- 446-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > dear oracle betsy and melissa got some pictures of me with the thing > and they said theyd show them to mommy if i dont do what they say and > they keep making me poot myself while they watch and fillip them and > poot myself and go naffy in my panties and poot myself adn do the > limber thing with bob and poot myself to bob while they watch and > offle them one at a time and poot myself on the floor and offle them > both at once and poot myself again while they laugh at me and im > cryign crying cryign but i have to poot myself again or theyll show > mommy what can i do now oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Anne Landers: } } That is disgusting! One should NEVER have one's bridesmaids wear } different color dresses. I suggest you drop these women immediately. } } Ruth Westheimer: } } It is a perfectly natural thing. You do not need to be ashamed to have } a picture of it. And poot yourself, but only if it feels good! Good } poots are good, but bad poots are terrible! And I always liked doing } the limber thing with Bob. } } Carl Sagan: } } Ooooo! I wish I had that picture to put on Voyager! } } George Bush: } } I blame the Democrats. This would never have happened if you were a } Republican. } } Dan Quayle: } } What? } } --- 446-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and all-knowing Oracle, > > Tell me about John E. Hovercraft, the famous Touring Award Winner and > best-selling author beloved by millions of nerdy CS students? Is he > full of eels or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please! Supplicant, do not make fun with John. He is not full of } eels; although he does have the nasty habit of continually asking to } Oracle to come round to his place (bouncy bouncy). While on the } surface this might seem like a good grovel, it makes Lisa rather } nervous because he never invites her. } } Yes, he did win a Touring Award -- I believe for the incredibly low } price he paid for his vacation to the Philippines. He was also the } recipient of the slightly less well known Turing Award. } } You owe the Oracle that ACM collection of Turing award lectures, which } he keeps meaning to buy but hasn't gotten around to it yet.