From oracle-request Fri May 29 10:41:09 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 29 May 92 10:41:09 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #450 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 450 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #450 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Fri, 29 May 92 10:41:09 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 450 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 450-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's a rathorn? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (I shall overlook the fact that the customary sniveling and groveling } was omitted, but only this once; you've caught me in a good aeon, } where such glibness causes me no more than minor indigestion.) } } It is interesting that you should ask this question, because it is one } that has rung throughout the halls of history for millenia. The Roman } philosopher Seneca had once asked "Quid est cornu ratti?"; Thomas } Aquinas had attempted to prove the existence of the rathorn; and even } David Byrne had his heartbreaking lament: "Psycho-rathorn -- } qu'est-ce que c'est. Fuh fuh fuh fuh, fuh fuh fuh fuh fuh fuh." } } The answer is quite simple: The horn of the great horned rat. But } this extends into a vast and glorious mythos that you don't want to } hear, but which I will summarize briefly anyway: } } In prehistoric times, before an enormous meteorite had clouded the } skies, the mammals were first evolving, and had to compete with the } dinosaurs. The first mammals were, of course, small furry things, and } then needed some way to defend thenmselves from the jaws of such } creatures as the _Tyrannosaurus Rex_. Thus, there was serious } selective pressure for the animals to become bigger, and their } defenses stronger -- thus the advent of the great horned rat. } } By the time the dinosaurs began to die, the rats -- over four feet } tall, and with one unicorn-like horn -- had scampered over the Sahara } unchecked, dominated the North American Great Plains, and done the } backstroke in the Indian Ocean. Their dominance over all of the major } landmasses was fierce and tyrannical until, by a leap of logic, we } reach the Middle Ages, where they were slain by such famous } knights-errant as Gluteus the Half-Assed and Snurfle, the Four-Nosed } Puce Knight. The horns of the dead horned rats were removed and } used as spears, or sharpened and used in hand-to-hand combat. In } addition, the tails of these great rats where cut off and used as } whips, thus the "rattails" that children fashion, nowadays out of wet } towels. } } There is some speculation that Jabberwocky is truly about the death of } the last horned-rat king, but that is as of yet unconfirmed. It } appears that, after the Middle Ages, all of the horned rats were slain } for glory and prestige, so all that remains are the small ones that } have, so far, ceased to cause mankind any trouble whatsoever. } } You owe the Oracle one plague, any size. --- 450-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ___________________________________________ > |1 |XXX|XXX|2 |XXX|XXX|XXX|XXX|3 |4 | | > |___|XXX|XXX|___|XXX|XXX|XXX|XXX|___|___|___| > |5 | | | |XXX|6 |XXX|XXX|XXX| |XXX| > |___|___|___|___|XXX|___|XXX|XXX|XXX|___|XXX| > | |XXX|XXX|XXX|7 | | | | | |XXX| > |___|XXX|XXX|XXX|___|___|___|___|___|___|XXX| > |8 | |9 | |XXX| |XXX|XXX|XXX| |XXX| > |___|___|___|___|XXX|___|XXX|XXX|XXX|___|XXX| > |XXX|XXX| |XXX|10 | | |11 | | | | > |XXX|XXX|___|XXX|___|___|___|___|___|___|___| > |12 |XXX| |XXX|XXX| |XXX| |XXX|XXX|XXX| > |___|XXX|___|XXX|XXX|___|XXX|___|XXX|XXX|XXX| > |13 | | | | | | | | |14 | | > |___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___|___| > | |XXX| |XXX|XXX| |XXX|XXX|XXX| |XXX| > |___|XXX|___|XXX|XXX|___|XXX|XXX|XXX|___|XXX| > |15 | | | | |XXX|XXX|XXX|16 | | | > |___|___|___|___|___|XXX|XXX|XXX|___|___|___| > > ACROSS DOWN > > 3. Oracular ka-boom. 1. ____-it-all. > 5. Usenet ____. 2. iuvax.__.indiana.edu > 7. Not a question. 4. Oracle, to Lisa. > 8. How much ____ would 6. O hails from here. > a woodchuck chuck? 9. The Usenet ______. > 10. Steve _______. 11. See 3 across. > 13. You, for one. 12. Oracle's S.O. > 15. Priest in training. 14. You ___ the Oracle. > 16. ___.humor.oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } answer: } } 16. CER 14. EWO } 15. KREJ A 12. TSIL } 13. NOITANRACNI 11. TOZ } 10. RELZNIK 9. ELCARO } 8. DOOW 6. ANAIDNI } 7. REWSNA 4. EIRRO } 5. SWEN 2. SC } 3. TOZ 1. WONK --- 450-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, thou art so magnificent to behold, so acute in > thought, so fragrent in oder. Please answer my question, > for I really wish to know. > > How might I generate a truly random number? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear inconsequential mote of a supplicant who foolishly believes } that the Usenet Oracle really cares a tinker's damn that you really } wish to know, but who is correct in suspecting that aforesaid Oracle } possesses the knowledge you seek: } } There is a Bad Way and a Good Way of generating random numbers. } } The Bad Way is taught in Computer Science departments. What it } produces is not random numbers but pseudo-random numbers. Fakes, in } other words. Usually a pseudo-random number generator is nothing but } an impressively-named bit of mumbo jumbo that produces, say, a sequence } of 48-bit integer values X according to a linear congruential formula } like } X = (aX +c) n>0. } n+1 n mod m } or some other bushwa along those lines. Don't even bother. Trust me. } } The Good Way is this. First, make a chart on a big piece of } construction paper, say 2-foot square. Put Roman numerals on it like } so: } *-----------* } | 1 2 3 | } | 4 5 6 | } | 7 8 9 | } | 0 | } *-----------* } } Next, buy a carton of Kleenex at the grocery store. } } Then go to your local Education School or Psychology Department and } get a Human Subjects Study Approval form. Fill it in, using the name } and address of your nearest pre-school. Go down to the pre-school and } get the Director to sign the approval form giving you permission to use } as subjects N students from the school, where N is the bit-size of the } random number you wish to generate. We'll take 16 for an example. } } Round up your 16 children and line them up facing you. Beforehand you } will have purchased several dozen pieces of bubble gum; put these in a } large bowl within sight of the children. Explain to the children that } you are going to play a bubble-gum counting game and that everyone will } get some bubble-gum. Now show the children your sign, and repeat } the following verse: } } BUBBLE GUM, BUBBLE GUM, IN A DISH, HOW MANY PIECES DO YOU WISH? } } Point to the first child and wait for a response; for example, "8". } Now, beginning with "1", point to each successive integer as you repeat } the count "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 and you get THIS!" Since the tag adds four } syllables, you will have pointed to 9-0-1-2 and the child gets not 8 } but 2 pieces of bubble gum. Give the child the gum and proceed to the } next child, after writing down the number "2" as the first digit of } your random number. } } (A simple formula for determining how many pieces of gum each child } receives, should your finger get tired of pointing, is } } P = ((S+X)+4) mod 10 } } where "S" is your starting integer and "X" is the child's answer to } "how many pieces do you wish?" Realize that use of the formulaic } derivation rather than the pointer-driven method may subject you to } protests of "Cheater, cheater, pumpkin-eater!" from the test } population.) } } Now, not even the Usenet Oracle can predict what heuristics a bunch of } preschoolers are going to use to get the biggest handout of bubble gum } once they have realized that answering "9" or even "a zillion" is not } always the best response. You will have generated a truly random } number once you're done. } } -- } Oh, the box of Kleenex? To dry the eyes of the kids you don't give any } bubble gum to when P=0, you lying bastard, you! --- 450-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most great etc. > > Is it true that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it } is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh y } es it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes } it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. O } h yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it } is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh y } es it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes } it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. O } h yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. Oh yes it is. } } O h y e s i t i s . O h y e s i t i s . } O h y e s i t i s . O h y e s i t i s . } O h y e s i t i s . O h y e s i t i s . } O h y e s i t i s . O h y e s i t i s . } O h y e s i t i s . O h y e s i t i s . } } You owe the Oracle a new typewriter; the old one's worn out. --- 450-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My Oracle, which art in Usenet, hallowed be thy name. Thy questions > come, thy answers dumb . . . uh, I mean "done" yes "done" . . . on > earth as it is in Nirvana. Give me this day an answer to this > question: > > How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? > > And forgive me my lack of grovelling, as I forgive you for inadequite > answers, and lead me not into "The Temptations", but deliver me from > "Devo", for thine is the Oracledom, and the Zotting, and the Glory > forever and ever. Amen. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not as many of them as you might think, when you get down to it. } } Gabriel thinks he's a hot dancer, but the rest of us think he looks } even more ridiculous than John Travolta, so he hardly counts. } } Raphael's bragged about doing it, but when he wasn't shifting from one } foot to another next to the punchbowl, he was hiding in the bathroom. } } Michael can tap-dance okay, but won't do it until you get him fairly } buzzed, and by then his sense of balance is thrown. By the time we got } him onto the pin, he couldn't take two taps without falling off. } } Most of the others simply won't do it. The seraphim will play the } harps at dances, provided there are at least eight of them at standard } union scale at any such event, but dancing isn't in their contract. } And most of the cherubim skip the dances altogether, and just make out } shamelessly in the Elysian Fields. Last Saturday night it was just } Lisa and me dancing; but mind you, by the time we were through we had } the whole heavenly choir in ecstasy just from watching us. } } You owe the Oracle a spare pair of blue suede shoes. --- 450-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What should I do about Sara's boyfriend, Oh great Oracle, who > is greater and wiser than all the men who ever lived put together, > and who could, if I was really nice, just ZOT! him for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Due to a grammatical ambiguity in your question, we are providing a } total of four answers. Please select the one which matches the intent } of your question as written: } } 1) Sara's boyfriend is greater and wiser than all men put together, } and you would like for the Oracle to ZOT him; } } 2) Sara's boyfriend is greater and wiser than all men put together, } and you would like for him to ZOT the Oracle; } } 3) The Oracle is greater and wiser than all men put together, and } you would like for him to ZOT Sara's boyfriend; } } 4) The Oracle is Sara's boyfriend, you are wiser than all men } put together, and you would like to ZOT the Oracle. } } Answer #1: } Well, let's see: If Sara's boyfriend is the greatest and wisest of } all men who ever lived, that would make him Solomon (986 - 932 B.C.). } Why Sara is interested in a man who has been dead for 3,000 years is } a matter perhaps best left to the local authorities, but at any rate } the Oracle sees no reason to ZOT the deceased. } } Answer #2: } Again Solomon is dead, making it extremely unlikely that he would } be able or willing to ZOT the Oracle. If he were capable, however, } this might explain Sara's interest in him. } } Answer #3: } The Oracle in his wisdom believes that ZOTting Sara's boyfriend } would not help, in that Sara would be a grieving wreck for months } and would then start dating someone else (not you). Your groveling } is noted, however, and will be credited to your account. } } Answer #4: } Your frustration is understandable, mortal: Even the wisest and } greatest of all men is no match for the sexual prowess of the -- } } "Orrie?!" } } On second thought, this is clearly not what you intended to say. } The Oracle has no interest in Sara whatsoever, and is completely } faithful to his beloved Lisa. Always. } } You owe the Oracle a dozen long-stemmed roses (for Lisa). --- 450-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, > > I've been having a lot of problems lately with my boss. He's pushy > and overbearing, constantly paranoid that I'm after his job (and > his girlfriend), and is always looking over my shoulder criticizing > my work and making my life miserable. What should I do? > > Signed, > > Harold the Foot And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Harold, } } before I answer your question, let me ask you why you have come too } late this morning by half an hour. Is it something with Lisa? } You'd better see that your project gets finished in time. The deadline } is in two weeks and I haven't seen you working too much on it during } the past few months. Instead you keep mailing 'askme's to the Oracle. } Say, do you want to replace me? } } (I think, I'd better this supplicant. But then, who knows if it } isn't only a trap set up by Kinzler to finally get rid of me... I know } it! They're only waiting behind the next corner to catch me in the } act!) } } To answer your question: Just ignore him. Soon enough he will ignore } you, too. } } You owe the Oracle a reasonable (and fashionable!) alternative to } paranoia. --- 450-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is it with university administrators, anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here you've touched a sore spot with me. } I can't stand universe administrators. } } They think they're such hot stuff because they have so much power in } one small area, and none of them are fit even to be an apprentice } Oracle. } } Who needs them, anyway? } One of these days I'm going to ZOT one of them, and, } you'll see, } the stars will continue to shine, } the galaxies to revolve in their appointed courses. } } These petty beureaucrats are always --- Oh. } } "University". Oops. } } "It" with university administrators is a pronoun. } } Didn't you already know that? --- 450-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: ORACLE > > Yo, like Mr. Oracle dude/ette, the most bitchin' being in all this > bodacious universe, like, I have this question for you. I know you're, > like, totally awesome and stuff, but I hope you can answer this for me. > I mean, like, you're so triumphant, and I'm just slime - NOT! I mean, > like, I'm worse than slime compared to you, most excellent one. > > Anyhow, who's more important: Bill and Ted or Wayne and Garth? And > also, like, I know Wayne is superior to Garth, but who's better: Bill > or Ted? They're both god-like boneheads, but is one superior to the > other? > > Like, thank you dude/ette. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's do a comparative list of some of the things that Bill and } Ted have done, compared to the things that Wayne and Garth have done. } Then maybe you'll be able to decide for yourself which pair is } superior... dude. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Bill and Ted... | Wayne and Garth... } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Appeared in the movies in the late | Appeared in the movies in the } 20th century | late 20th century } | } Appeared in TWO feature films | Appeared in ONE feature film } | } Had a cartoon show patterned after | NOT! } their adventures | } | } Made EXCELLENT!, BODACIOUS!, | Made NOT! a household word } and RADICAL! household words | } | } Like to play air guitar, dream of | Like to play air guitar/drums, } being able to play for real | dream of being able to play for } | real } | } Learned how to play while bopping | Never learned how to play, and } around time for two years | never will } | } Appeared on television all around | Appeared on a local basement } cable the world, on every TV set in | public access TV show } every country | } | } Saved the world from the clutches of | Got trashed every weekend } the evil villians, while still pass- | } ing high school and winning the | } Battle of the Bands | } | } Spend half their time dreaming of | Spend all their time dreaming of } babes, the other half actually | babes... } getting babes | } | } Hang around with cool people like | Hang around with... each } George Carlin and Death | other... } | } Met the greatest historical beings | Fainted after touching Madonna's } of all time | sleeve } | } The actors who play Bill and Ted are | The actors who play Wayne and } actually quite well respected on the | Garth are actually quite well } Hollywood scene - they have each | respected on the Hollywood scene } been in a number of quality films, | - they have each been in a } and they each have quite a good act- | number of quality films, and } ing career ahead of them... | they each have a good acting } | career ahead of them... NOT! } } Any questions? Didn't think so. } } You owe the Oracle Death's autograph. --- 450-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I bring her flowers? And which ones? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You were caught alone with a vat of whipped cream, Nancy Reagan, and a } hippo, and you think flowers might help? Jeez. } } You owe the Oracle a photo essay of the whole sordid event.