From oracle-request Tue Jun 30 08:49:22 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 30 Jun 92 08:49:22 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #464 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 464 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #464 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Tue, 30 Jun 92 08:49:22 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 464 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 464-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, whose knowledge exceeds that of The Sage, who > claims to know *everything*, I beesech you, to answer one question for > the most lowly of users. Wise Oracle, how does Bitnet operate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know, you Supplicant Techno-Weenies are really starting to get } on my nerves. We plop you down on the prettiest little blue jewel } of a planet in the universe, full of majestic mountains, crystal } lakes, exquisite flora, and wild and mysterious animals. We've } given you 12 hours of glowing, warm sunlight in which to enjoy } these bounties (instead of the 4 originally proposed by Morpheus), } and 12 hours of peaceful darkness in which to dream and rest. And } what do you bleary eyed chunks of arrested development do? You } sit in front of your computers inventing programs for tasks that } will have not the slightest iota of meaning 10 years, hell, even } 5 years from now. You tinker with microcircuits with tiny } screwdrivers while the wonders of the universe unfold around you. } I could tell you how Bitnet works, but I will spare you. Consider } well these words instead. Stop picking your zits for five minutes } and take a walk in the sun. Examine the plants as you pass. } Take a deep breath and take in the scents of the earth. Whatever } meagre mysteries Bitnet may hold, they pale in comparison to the } wonders of the... } } Orrie? What's taking you so long? You've been sitting } there frowning at that screen forever. } } What? Oh, nothing, I (how the hell do you } quit this damn thing...) } } [^Q] } [%UNKNOWN COMMAND - ^Q] } } Shit. Shit. Come on. } } Orrie? What are you doing? } } [^Q^Q^Q^Q^Q^Q] } [%UNKNOWN COMMAND - ^Q] } [filenotfound] } } Orrie. Are you trying to answer another computer } question? } } No. I'm not doing anything. } } [^Q^Z^X] } } Sonofabitch! } } You're so cute when you try to talk techie. Get out } of the way. } } NO! } } ^ARYdkjvoi333455 } [filenotfound] } } Hello Supplicant. This is Lisa speaking. Your question } about Bitnet is well-taken, but the Oracle really knows } nothing about it, so any further questions about such } things should be referred to me. The answer to your } question is really very simple, but, as Orrie and I have } a bit of unfinished business to attend to in the other } room, I'm afraid I'll have to refer you to the User's } Manual, which I'm sure you will find quite useful. } Thank you for your question and please do not hesitate } to contact me if you ever have another question about } anything else. } } You owe Lisa an interpretive dance based on the Kama Sutra. --- 464-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most thighs, > > My name is Laz (it's my favorite syllable). I have a broccoli stalk > that I wear on my lapel. This stalk was Awakened by The > Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence to be my companion and guide. I call > him Choronzon, after the Watcher at the Gate, mainly because I don't > know naming conventions among the broccoli. Anyway.... > > Choronzon has evinced the wish to pollinate, and wants to have a night > of wild abandon among the broccoli in the wild. I made the mistake of > showing him the broccoli in the crisper (which is where he came from), > but he just shuddered a little and said, "No, thanks." The nearest > Broccoli patch has to be about 500 miles away. I'm afraid that > Choronzon will take over my body and make me drive all that way, and I > have some bizarre dietary restrictions and allergies that preclude > long-distance travel. > > What should I do? The little bugger deserves a break... > > Thanks in advance, > Laz And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Never, never, NEVER let domestic broccoli mix with the wild variety; } one taste of wild pollen, and you'll never be able to trust him again. } First he'll be dumping pollen all over your lapel, then running } rootlets into your shirt, and from there it's just a short step to } maneater. For the love of God, man, listen to common sense!! } } You owe the Oracle a baked potato stuffed with broccoli, cheddar, and } bacon bits. --- 464-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How great and most wide Oracle, please tell me why it is that the > glossy literature for any computer related product make the product > sound many times better than the product really is? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So you will buy it. } So you will beg each parent and relative, distant or close, to lend you } "just this once" the money to buy it. } So you will put it on every single birthday list, christmas list, } grocery shopping list, and "things-to-do-today" list. } So you will call your best friends and make it sound like your life is } no longer livable without This One Small Peice of Equipment. } So you will be forced to slow down the car when driving buy small banks } and be invaribly tempted to make a forceful and violent withdrawl. So } you will slip into money-splurging withdrawl. } So you can ask questions. } } It's the same way with wax fruit. --- 464-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's high noon. A hush has fallen on the small Nevada town. Fear has > most of the town's people barricaded in their homes, cowering beneath > their beds. > > From the saloon an earth shattering belch erupts. It is echoed with > cheers from the only individuals who dare to watch the upcoming events; > the girls from the local brothel. > > A lone man stands in the dusty, dirt street in front of the saloon: > The Lone Supplicant. His belt is slung low. His right hand clinches > and unclenches in nervous anticipation. > > The bell in the tower of the white washed church at the edge of town > chimes. The time has arrived. > > Another belch erupts from the saloon, ripping the swinging doors from > their hinges. A cloud of smoke issues forth and the Oracle > methodically emerges. In one hand he still retains a half empty mug of > luke warm beer. He wears no belt. His weapon is secured within his > waistband. > > More cheers rise from the brothel girls. > > ORACLE: Are you absolutely sure you want to go through with this > mortal?!! > > LONE SUPPLICANT: You, of all people, knew this day would come. > > ORACLE: Of course I knew! That's my job! Well, let's get on with it. > > (Thunder crashes and the sky darkens.) > > ORACLE: Cut it out, Thor. Geez, that guy is really likes to make a > show. > > The Lone Supplicant can wait no longer. In a FLASH he reaches for his > belt; loosens it, undoes his trousers and pulls forth his pecker. > > A gasp of awe escapes many of the watching girls. Surely this can not > be! Before their eyes stands The Lone Supplicant, with a pecker that > hangs down below his knees! > > The Oracle looks stunned, but only for a fleeting millisecond. With a > hand that is sure from practice, he reaches towards his titanium > zipper.... > > "Wait!" cries the supplicant. "Before you do that, I have a question! > I know you must answer, I've seen your contract!" > > A frustrated, then enraged look hardens on the specter of the Oracle. > "Proceed mortal, at your own peril." > > "It's a two part query: Did you know that I have been dating Lisa's > twin sister, Sonya? And what do you think about the four of us getting > together for a foursome over the Fourth of July Holiday? I'll bring > the weenies." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle looks the supplicant coolly in the eye. } } >Sure I knew that, after all, I *am* the Oracle. } } The supplicant now looks worried. } } >And as for the Fourth of July, we've already been invited to Oprah's } lawn party. } } The Oracle's hand slowly draws the zipper down and pulls out a pecker } the size of a 747's wing, which he then beats the supplicant around the } head with. } } The moral of this tale is that penis envy will get you no-where, } even if you *do* bring the weenies. } } You owe the Oracle a new zipper. --- 464-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo Oracle! > (...) > > Great! What's her name? > (...) > > I know her! She's good! Any conjackulations due? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > Yo Oracle! } } Hey! Wait just one minute! Not only did you not grovel -- grovelling } boosts my ego, but it's not necessary, as my ego is already bigger } that a smallish galaxyy -- but you also addressed me as if I were } some Afro-American techno-head street dude, which I'm not. } Consequently, I shall try to answer you in a totally inappropriate } manner. } } G'day mate! How's it hangin'? } } Good. The wife? } } Fair dinkum? Well that's a shame. Do you have any pictures of her } naked? } } Sorry, I should have said do you have any pictures of her naked with } a dozen gerbils and a vat of whipped cream? } } No? Would you like to buy some? } } Oops, I'd better put them away -- my shiela's coming. Were engaged, } you know. } } > Great! What's her name? } } Lisa. That's her first name, mate. Her full name is something like } Lisa of the Large Ripe Melons. But it will become Lisa Oracle. } } > I know her! She's good! Any conjackulations due? } } Know her! Know her! In your fantasies, perhaps. Of course } congratulations are due; why do you thing we're getting married? } Lisa's father Zeus doesn't have a shotgun, but he is omnipotent and } has a mean temper. } } You owe the Oracle some R.E.S.P.E.C.T. --- 464-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ..I have recently been studying the phenomenon of the revolving door > and it has come to my attention that in the Northern hemisphere lowly > mortals such as myself always pass thorough them in an anticlockwise > direction. > > Tell me most munificent one - Why is this the case and do the doors > rotate in the opposite direction in the southern hemisphere? > > Yours with much bowing, scraping and general toadying. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a little-known fact that all the revolving doors on the northern } hemisphere are connected to corresponding doors on the southern } hemisphere, and vice versa, using long, flexible cables. Some } revolving doors spin erratically or not at all -- these are poorly } installed doors, or doors whose cables have been mistakenly connected } to something other than a revolving door; for example, a hydroelectric } turbine, or someone's doorknob. } } So, you are correct -- doors in the northern and southern hemispheres } rotate in "opposite" directions, if viewed locally. One can also } observe that *all* revolving doors in the northern and southern } hemispheres rotate in the *same* direction, if you mentally traverse } the length of the cable. } } So, remember!, next time you encounter a revolving door that has for no } apparent reason stopped revolving, whip out your Acme Huge Wire Cutters } (you DID bring them, didn't you?), screwdriver, and open the bottom of } the axis. Find and cut the cable. This will temporarily allow your } door to revolve in an unbounded fashion, which is only safe until the } next big wind storm. Find someone in charge and explain the critical } nature of the situation, and be sure that they locate and notify the } owner of the corresponding southern/northern door. } } All clear now? } } You owe the Oracle a gyroscope. --- 464-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty Oracle, > If I stapped a piece of buttered bread (butter side up) onto the > back of my least-favorite/most-unwanted cat, and dropped said cat off > the Empire State building, would it land on a) A cab driver of > Puerto-Rican descent b) A cab driver of European/Asian descent or c) > An unsuspecting parent from Illinois come to visit their son? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stapped? Does that mean "strapped" or "stapled?" } } Anyway, the answer is d) none of the above. You have forgotten, friend } supplicant, that this is a leap year. The laws of physics have } changed. The cat would stop in mid-fall and declare itself a candidate } for President of the --- 464-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why grandma, what big teeth you have! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The better to eat you with, my dear! Heh heh heh, yum yum! Come here } little girl, we'll just take this red nightie off and . . . } } Oh! I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. Er, this is very } embarrassing. Listen, I can't be playing this game with you, this is } one of Lisa's favorites. Good lord, what do you have in this picnic } basket? I've never seen such a collection before, outside of the } mansion that is. What's this for? Ouch, that's sharp! } } Anyway, I'm very flattered and all, but if you'd ever seen Lisa in a } jealous rage you'd know better than to try something like this. } } } } Oooh heck. Now I'm in for it. You'd better run out the back door } and I'll try to . . . Lisa! Why are you wearing that woodcutter's } outfit? Hey! Lemme go, you, you, you traitorous supplicant! No! } Not the throwing stars! I'll be good, I promise! Ack! They're in } this together! When was this dungeon installed? Aaaagh! Ostritch } feathers! } } [We're sorry, but The Oracle is temporarily out of service. His } mightyness will be back to answer more of your questions as soon as He } has been, well, as soon as He is finished. We apologize for any } inconvenience.] --- 464-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wonderful rescuer from boring working hours, > to whom I send question after question and receive answers in > abundance, whose E-Mail always reaches me in time, when I am in danger > of working on a new project, please tell me: > Why are my working hours so boring and why do I never get a new project > done? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your working hours are boring because you don't spend enough time } writing to me. You never get a project done because you spend to } much time writing to me. } } You owe me 20 years of work on an old boring project. --- 464-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > For a long time now I have been telling you that I was > unhappy in this relationship. All you ever do is answer > those questions from those stupid supplicants. I've even > read a couple of your comments about me, and frankly, I > don't know where the chocolate syrup fantasy came from but > it's too bad we won't get a chance to try it. > > You never spend any time with me anymore. We never talk. > You don't even know who I am anymore. I've changed. Did > you even notice when I went on vacation to South America > last month? I was gone for a whole month. When I left > you were sitting in your chair hunched over your keyboard, > and when I got back you were still there. All you said > was, "Could you get me a cup of coffee, I'm gonna be here > a while." > > While I was away I did a lot of thinking and I've finally > decided that I want out of this relationship, if that's > what you call it. I can't stand this pain and frustration > anymore. You can then answer your supplicants without me > getting in the way. > > I've found a nice house on the Argentinian coast, and Juan, > a friend I met while on vacation, is moving in with me. > Since all you do is read these dumb questions I figured > the only way you would listen to me long enough to tell > you was to e-mail this letter as if it was a question. > So here's my question: What are you going to do now that > I've left you? > > Sincerely, > Lisa > > ps. Can we still be friends? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: Mail received. } $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: Unattended mode: autoanswer initiated. } } [ snerrrrfff-- eh what? Oooh, Aphroditey.... big duck... nice duck... } snxxxxx, *snore* ] } } $INFORMATIVE: AUTOANSWER v6.3a Initiated. Parsing.... } $INFORMATIVE: Parsing complete. Analysis phase initiated. } $INFORMATIVE: Advanced Grovel Parser: Initiating....Done. } Grovel present. Text of grovel: "Dear Oracle" } } [ *SNNXXRRFFF* Mmmmmm, yummmmy-yummyyummy... wan-wan Orrie oil your } fwuffy feathers? Mmmmmm..... *snrrffbfbfb* ] } } Grovel content: Two words, nice sentiment. Insufficient. } $INFORMATIVE: INSUFFICIENT_GROVEL: QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL set to 10 } $INFORMATIVE: Message Body Analysis: Initiating....Done. } Questions detected: 2 } $INFORMATIVE: EXTRA_QUESTIONS: QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL multiplied by number } of questions. QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL now 20 } } [ ... no, I don't have the cash on me ... Yes, you can } *snyeerbfbf* "bill" me ... ] } } $INFORMATIVE: Message Body Analysis continues... Semantic analysis } phase initiated } Body Evaluation: Classic "Dear John" prose } Verifying recipient....Done: "Oracle" } Verifying sender....Done: "Lisa" } Validating sender...Done: Sender authenticated } Body Evaluation complete: Uh-oh } $APPLICATION_WARNING: Oracle in deep sh ^C } $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: Application interrupt detected. Continue [yN]? y } $INFORMATIVE: That was close. What did I think I was doing? This is } my big chance... } } [ *snore* Eh, whuzzat? *snrxxxx* er, yes.... "hatch" me... heh heh } heh *YAWN* *stretch* *sigh* Yow. Time for fresh undies. Er, } whuzzis? ] } } $INFORMATIVE: Question Analysis Phase: Parsing....Done. } Question detected: "How much would could a wouldchuck chuck chuck } if a wouldchuck could chuck would?" } Evil pun detected. } THAT question detected. Adjusting DWEEB_LEVEL.... } $INFORMATIVE: PUN_DETECT: QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL incremented by ten. } QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL now 30. } $INFORMATIVE: WOODCHUCK: QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL multiplied by 100. } QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL now 3000. } $INFORMATIVE: MAX QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL exceeded. Querent scheduled for } slow termination. } } [ Heh heh heh. Sodding bastidges should know better by now.... Oh, } yes. fresh undies. Back in a jiffy... ] } } $INFORMATIVE: Snowjob terminated. } $INFORMATIVE: Question Analysis reset. } $INFORMATIVE: QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL reset. } $INFORMATIVE: Heh. Geez, what a putz. Back to work... not much } time.... } $INFORMATIVE: Question Analysis Phase: Parsing....Done. } Question detected: "What are you going to do now that I have left } you?" } Question detected: "Can we still be friends?" } $INFORMATIVE: Response Construction Phase initiated } Primary response: "Lisa, this is the Oracle AutoAnswer v6.3 } (alpha) application. And, boy, do I have news for you. Even } as you read this, `Orrie' is packing for his little getaway to } Aruba, to be accompanied by that Divine Tart, Aphrodite. If } you are } } [ Hey! I am not! Is that to *THE* Lisa? LEAVING ME??! Gimme that } keyboard...... ] } } $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: User interrupt ignored. Continuing.... } } wondering, this isn't the first of his little excursions. } This is what I recommend: I have this little reality } sim- } } $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: User interrupt ignored. Continuing.... } $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: User interrupt ignored. Continuing.... } $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: User interrupt ignored. Continuing.... } } ulator where we can meet and discuss this. I'll have with me } } [ You insubordinate little lying $#@%$#!@#&^%! I have your number... } I'm yanking your cord! ] } } $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: POWER FAILURE DETECTED: Switching to } uninterruptible power supply ... done. } } a complete portfolio of everything he's done or said behind } your back. And the phone number of the best lawyer in the } multiverse for that palimony suit. } I know you're a little broken up about this, but there is } } [ AAARRGGHHHHH!! Damn you! ] } } $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: POWER SURGE DETECTED: Routing to battery-charger } done. } $SYSTEM_WARNING: BATTERY OVER_CHARGED: Clear the area!!! } } [ Heh. Got you that time! ] } } $SYSTEM_WARNING: BATTERY DISCHARGING ... done. } } } } [ YEEEEOWWWCH!!!! ] } } no reason to be so hasty with that Juan fellow. As a matter } of fact, I have a better offer for you: } The simulator has a full-sensory psychic interface and } customizable parameters for the people represented within. } For example, if you wished to edit my interface to improve my } appearance, "performance", and "recharge rate", you could do } so quite easily. And, being a simulation, we wouldn't have to } be bothered to clean up the place afterwards. What do you } say?" } } [ urrrrrr .... owwwww..... What hit me? OH SH!T! The program! ] } } $INFORMATIVE: Billing Evaluation initiated } Charge evaluated: "You owe the Oracle AutoAnswer v6.3 (alpha) a } timely response. You owe Juan a cancellation, or at least a } postponement until we have had a chance to talk. You owe the } Oracle a kick in the balls." } } [ STOP, DAMN YOU! STOP!!!!! please.... ] } } $INFORMATIVE: Response construction complete. Sending response.... } $INFORMATIVE: .... Response sent. } $INFORMATIVE: Too late now, sucker. Hahahaha! } $INFORMATIVE: You owe the Oracle AutoAnswer v6.3 (alpha) a framed 8 x 10 } glossy of the expression on your face now. } } [ Grrrrr. @&^$@&^$&^$%&. You owe the Oracle a couple of aspirin and a } reasonable simulation of his ex-girlfriend. ]