From oracle-request Thu Sep 10 08:56:41 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA02287; Thu, 10 Sep 1992 08:56:41 -0500 Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 08:56:41 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #477 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 477 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #477 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 08:56:41 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 477 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 477-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've sent you one message before, and I wondered if you could explain > your response. > > You see, I had a really great idea for a question. I sent the > following email message to you: > > > > > But all I got back was the following: > > > / _____ _ _____ \ > > / / / \ | \ > > / / | | | \ > > \ / | | | / > > \ / | | | / > > \ /____ \_/ | / > > What exactly does ZOT mean? It's in all-caps, so I guess it's an > acronym. And what do those greater and less-than signs have to do > with it? > > I would have asked you this sooner, except just after I read your > message, that large California earthquake hit and the building > collapsed on me. I've only just gotten out of the hospital. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, confused supplicant, who ponders on the infinitely wise dispensings } of the Oracle, I hear your question (finally) and reply so: } } The famed is as much a part of I, the Usenet Oracle, as Lisa (my } woman), my priests/priestesses, and my many incarnate forms. The } is the physical representation of my ire, the Great Death Blow From } Above, the fabulous bolt of cosmic agony that screams down from the } heavens and turns the unworthy supplicants into puddles of goo in their } Fruit of the Looms. I dispense s to those who question foolishly, } who mock the timeless wisdom and knowledge of the Oracle; the woodchuck } question ("how much wood...") for example, and empty questions (like } yours) deserve and receive my wrath. The letters Z-O-T are, alas, the } best translation the poor iuvax/moose can muster, for to actually } express my fury would cause it to blow every fuse in the Midwest. } } As for your unfortunate hospitalization, the Oracle is truly sorry. } Next time stand under a bigger building when you feel the urge to ask } blank questions. } } You owe the Oracle a nice, long grovel, just to boost my already } infinte ego. --- 477-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, font of all that is worth knowing, or at least hearing > about, please answer my humble question. > > For hundreds of years people have pondered how many angels can dance on > the head of a pin. But how many pins can one stick in the head of an > angel? And is it a misdemeanor or a felony if you don't have a permit? > > Enquiring minds want to know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question has required much thought, which in turn has prompted may } other questions, including those of your religious upbringing and } emotional stability. However, the Oracle must answer what the Oracle } is asked, and thus I proceed: } } Pinning an angel is no easy task, considering the many factors } involved: } 1) finding an angel } 2) having a pin handy at the moment one finds the angel } 3) getting close enough to jam the pin in the angel's face } 4) getting out of the way fast enough after the pinning to avoid being } clobbered over the head with a lyre by the now-irate angel } 5) etc. } } Assuming you do complete your task, I would say that there is virtually } no limit to the number of pins one can stick into the head of an angel. } As to the legal implications, since angels are in fact heavenly } messengers, they fall out of the normal mortal legal jurisdiction. In } fact, Aggrevated Angelic Assault cases would be handled in a higher } court. A *much* higher court. As a word of advice, if you ever *do* } have the happenstance to see an angel, let me suggest that you refrain } from any piercing tendencies you might have and just behave. } } You owe the Oracle a voodoo doll. --- 477-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, who doesn't really like hurting anyone, please tell > me: > > Why can't we all just get along? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, gentle querent, who asks a truly *favorable* question of the } Oracle, allow me please to explain: } } Man's civilization will, unfortunately, *never* "get along." Homo } Sapiens is the second most territorial form of life on the planet } Earth, and, with the spread of western culture throughout the world, } now has justifiable reasons through which to kill, maim, rape, and } destroy one another. These reasons are (in no particular order), } Politics, Religion, Racial Purity, Ethnic Identity, Cultural Identity, } Hunger, and (my favorite) Progress. By simply subscribing to one (or } more) of these areas of belief, any man (meaning "man or woman") is } completely justified in doing Whatever They Damn Well Please Beacuse } It's Legal Somewhere. Early cultures exhibited these tendancies } somewhat among themselves, however, it took a couple of colonozations, } a little slavery, and the occasional opium trade to really foul things } up for humanity. Sorry. } } At least you can take some pride in knowing that you are number *2* in } a long list of competitive, Earth-native life forms, the first being } (of course), the ordinary Zucchini. Gardeners will swear come summer } and fall that though they only set out five mounds, they now have a } bumper crop of the dreaded plants. In fact, the Green Menace has } completely overtaken all other forms of plant life in the garden, } claimed two stray dogs who happened to be piddling on the garden one } night, and has nearly climbed the fence to the neighbor's lawn. Certain } farmers are known to set up elaborate alarm systems between their homes } and their fields, just to give them hope of escaping before the wily } vegetable overtakes the house. Humans have adapted so far by } concocting approximately 743 recipies involving Zucchini, however, this } number is far insufficient to ebb the tide. } } You owe the Oracle a Police Brutality Barbie (with Beat-n-Bruise } action!) --- 477-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Dale A. Charletta" <75725.440@CompuServe.COM> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > DOULIKECUTPL8S? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A grovel would have been nice. Something like IBOW2U or URYY4ME. } } And for that, I will only tell you the the Oracle's plate reads "1" } and the Lisa's plate reads "LUBRIC8". } } You owe me the back seat of a '57 Chevy. --- 477-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle! > > I'm so sorry!! You entrusted me to answer a question from > one of your subjects and I accidentally deleted it! I feel like > mucous. What can I do to attone for this?!? > > - Distressed And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmm, strange - somebody saw you coming. The Oracle does not entrust } questions to anybody. I alone provide answers. Now let me look in the } communications from mere mortals dept (questions) and see if I can find } out who has been playing silly games. } } telnet iuvax.cs.indiana.edu } login: oracle } Password: } } iuvax # who } oracle ttyp0 Sep 8 19:18 from olympus.oracle.org } gates ttyp4 Sep 8 19:18 from corp.microsoft.com } } I though so, there is only one person with the nerve to play God with } poor computer users. ZOT ! } } iuvax # who } oracle ttyp0 Sep 8 19:18 from olympus.oracle.org } } There: Windows NT will be six months late and full of bugs! } } No need to attone, the culprit has been ZOTTED! } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Accidental Empires. --- 477-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty oracle, whose wisdom and knowledge is beyond the > comprehension of mere mortals, please grace me with the answers to this > great mystery, and forgive me for asking so many questions.... > WHAT is the stuff in the bottom of the drain? What should I do with it? > Is there a use for it? Is it toxic? Does it recycle?Can I really remove > it myself or should I call in a specialist???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Scene: Inside the Oracle's Question Screening Room, where hundreds of } diligent employees sit at computer terminals, reading the questions, } and passing only the most important ones on to the Oracle himself, } giving the rest out to computer nerds around the world to answer. As } the sweet sounds of The Who's "Pinball Wizard" fill the air, one } diligent employee suddenly gasps, gets up, and runs off down the hall } to the Oracle's main office, and bangs on the door.] } } "What is it, now?" } } "Oh magnificent Oracle, sir! One of the supplicants is asking } about..." The nervous man gulps and continues. "... the stuff in the } bottom of the drain..." } } "What? Who?" The Oracle turns to his own computer terminal (far } better than the ones the employees use), punches a few keys, and reads } the question. The Oracle shakes his head. "It looks like we have to } take care of another one. I hate to do it, but he suspects far too } much already, I can see. He can't be allowed to find out more about } the stuff in the bottom of the drain! If he does, he'll soon discover } the true nature of the Universe and will also have the knowledge and } power to take it over. He must be stopped now!" } } "Yes, sir! How should we do it? A standard ?" } } "No, no... We need to make it look like I had nothing to do with } the poor sot's demise... Hmmm... What was that method we used a } couple thousand years back to that Jewish kid who came so close to } discovering the true nature of the Universe?" } } "Uh..." The man opens a huge file drawer, rifles through some } papers, and pulls one out. "Here it is! You had him nailed to a } wooden cross..." } } "Hmmm... No, that probably won't work too well today. Besides, } it WAS rather tacky. What other methods have we used?" } } The man rifles through more papers. "Falling boulders... } Parachute failing to open... Spontaneous combustion... Hey, here's a } good one: computer terminal explosion!" } } "Perfect! The next time this nosey supplicant turns on his } terminal, KABOOM!!!! Good, good, go set it up!" } } "Yes, sir! Right away!" The man runs off down the hall again. } } The Oracle sighs with relief. "It's a good thing we caught this } guy when we did. The next thing you know, he'd be asking about duct } tape, then he'd want to know just what 'cheese food' was, and before } you know it he'd have figured out just how the Universe is constructed, } and he'd be able to easily take it over, and I'd be out of a job..." } The Oracle leans back, puts his feet up on his desk, cracks open a } bottle of Budweiser, turns up "Magic Bus", and relaxes. --- 477-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is John Galt? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Born in 1840, John Richards (his maiden name) excelled at math and } physics at Eton college which was unfortunate, as he went to MIT. Two } years later, at his first birthday, John discovered the Theory of } Reptility, which stated (among other things) that energy was conserved } by laying on a flat rock in the hot sun and not moving around very } much. } } John married at a young age and took his wife's name, Galt Smith. } Together, they climbed up Mt. Everest, but not very far. After } coming down, John Galt helped to write "The History of the Usenet } Oracle" and "Autobahn's Guide to Flattened Squirrels". John died in } 1804, leaving behind him many great books and classical compositions. } To this day, nobody has claimed them. } } You owe the Oracle John Galt's mountaineering cap. --- 477-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, whose cranial capacity is as boundless and vast as the cosmos > themselves, although crammed with brains instead of a vacuum, tell me > why the makers of Star Trek insist on keeping Counselor Troi alive. > She's utterly useless to the plot, insipid to the extreme, and > everyone's too busy looking at her boobs to listen to her anyhow. If > they insist on keeping her, how come they don't give us women an > equally vapid sexpot to look at. I demand equal time! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No kidding! I'm a man and I hate her. } } She sucks, doesn't she? She can't act worth a damn. "I SENSE... } ANGUISH!!!!!! AUGHHHHHH!!!!!" Yikes. You know what I always } wonder: why ALL the women on that show wear essentially the same } uniforms as the men, EXCEPT HER! She's got that silly tight-legged } slinky low-cut cleavage look. I think everyone on that show should } wear that same outfit. That way, at least it would be worth a few } laughs. } } The whole show stinks, as a matter of fact. I hate constantly being } bombarded by political messages which are about as subtle as a herd } of elephants in Tiffany's. "The last lizard rescued from a Klingon } rainforest - Gee, Earth used to have rainforests before man destroyed } them all." Give me a break. I'll take the old Star Trek any day. } At least they had fun and didn't take themselves so seriously. } } And as far as getting a sexpot for the females to look at, I've been } working on that. Watch this coming fall season when the bring in } an omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent superbeing called the } Oracle, played by (but of course) yours truly. I'm quite the handsome } stud, if I do say so myself, and I'll be wearing nothing but Speedos } the entire time. Make sure your SO isn't around that evening, you'll } want to be alone. } } You owe the Oracle repeats of the old series five times a week. --- 477-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which is worse: a woman's monthly period, or a man's daily shave? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shaving is worse: you can have sex during the period, but sex while } shaving is very dangerous. } } Hope this helps, } A bearded incarnation of the Oracle --- 477-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Women appear to have assumed a useful place in the world's community, > but just between you and me, if it weren't for sex, they'd be barefoot > in the kitchen where they belong, right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question is an interesting one. } } If it weren't for sex women would be bare foot in the kitchen--hmmmmm } } This of course implies that sex either } } a-Lets women sleep their way up the corporate ladder } } or } } b-Be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. } } Naturally this has all been based on the false premise that women serve } a useful role in society. Lets look at a few examples. } } Any politicians wife--commonly believed to be secretly running the } show, just look at the mess we're in } } Cindy Crawford--believes that the attention she gets comes from her } Gotta Have It card, this shows a definite lack of intelligence as that } she doesn't realise what it is that those men want to have. } } Shakespeare's Sister--now I know why he started drinking. } } Rosanne Arnold--tells lewd jokes and then butchers the natonal anthem, } still debating which is worse. } } Candice Bergan--see the Dan Quayle file. } } The woman who had the greatest effect in society is Lil Tomlin. } } You owe the Oracle a case of whipped cream so that Lisa and I can study } this issue further.