From oracle-request Thu Sep 24 18:44:09 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA23988; Thu, 24 Sep 1992 18:44:09 -0500 Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1992 18:44:09 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #482 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 482 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #482 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1992 18:44:09 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 482 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 477 25 votes 6d510 17a52 17c41 66940 19843 34864 64771 78721 35845 ca210 477 2.6 mean 2.0 3.0 2.9 2.4 3.0 3.2 2.7 2.3 3.1 1.7 --- 482-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Genius of all who think, > O ye who head the MENSA of the gods, > Knower of how to balance a Federal Budget, > Please tell me... > > What is the appendix in my body for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The appendix, in a book, is a part of the book used for the } presentation of essential information which does not fit elsewhere } in the book. } } Similarly, the appendix in the human body is the organ wherein } resides the soul. } } Not surprisingly, this organ is vanishingly small. --- 482-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, he that knows all of the words that rhyme with orange, > he that makes the moon eclipse the sun on some occasions, except when > it's night outside, but you could do that too even though I'm not sure > how, please answer this lowly supplicant's dire question.... > > What is my password? I've forgotten it and now I don't dare log off > for fear of not ever being able to log back on to read the bounty of > wisdom you offer to us poor supplicants. Please reply soonest -- I've > been at this terminal for over sixteen hours and the computer room > consultant keeps looking in my direction with a perplexed look on her > face. > > In haste.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Sorry I took so long. Someone asked me to formulate a realistic plan } for eliminating the US Federal Deficit that doesn't involve mass } murders, raised taxes/fees, reduced services, or quantum mechanics.) } } O gentle and security-conscious user, } Fear Not! } For your password is well known to others! } } Because of limitations specified in my contract, I may not give direct } answers to questions, but I can answer in riddles or tell you how you } may discover your password for yourself. } } Rejoyce! I am supplying you with an infallible method for } rediscovering the password for your account. Below I am supplying you } with the source of a C program which will produce a short list of } passwords, one of which *WILL BE YOURS*: } } (Before you use this gift, remember that a wise mortal always makes } complete backups of all work when he or she is about to follow advice } given by the Oracle) } } ======================Cut Here======================================= } #include } } void recursive_password_generator(char *,int); } } main() } { } char x[81]; } } x[0] = '\0'; } recursive_password_generator(x,0); } } } } void recursive_password_generator(char *password_so_far, int } password_index) } { } char new_password[81]; } char trial_character; } } for (trial_character = 0; trial_character < 256; trial_character++) } if (isgraph(trial_character)) } { } strcpy(new_password, password_so_far); } new_password[password_index] = trial_character; } new_password[password_index+1] = '\0'; } printf("%s\n",new_password); } if (password_index < 80) } recursive_password_generator(new_password, password_index + 1); } } } } } } ==================Cut Here============================================= } } This program will generate a short list of all combinations of letters } and numbers which form a word from 1 to 80 characters in length. One } of these strings will be your password. While you are trying out the } possible passwords from this list, it might be wise to begin applying } for a new account. } } If you have any other questions, remember that I am always happy to } help! } } Your fee is one copy of the movie Wargames. --- 482-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who is as smart as Dan Quayle is thick, who knows > how to intervene in such a way as to save the European monetary system, > and who knows how many atoms there are in the Milky Way galaxy, I'd > like to know the answer to the most difficult question of all: > Is Deckard a replicant? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd rather count the atoms in the galaxy than repair the European } economy...it's easier, and I don't have to learn French. } } Deckard is not a Replicant, he is a Presbyterian. Dan Quayle is a } Replicant. You can tell by watching him when he listens to Lonesome } George speak...he'll have the attentive, thoughtful expression a man } who has accidentally given himself a wedgie. } } Marilyn Quayle is actually Madonna, seeking illicit thrills as a } throwback to the 50's. Barbara Bush is really Ethyl Merman. } } Strom Thurmond is Tom Petty in disguise, Newt Gingrich is...well, Newt } Gingrich, okay, so what, and Tip O'Neill is really Shamu the Killer } Whale. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Madonna's upcoming album, "Like a Moron." --- 482-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Orrie, > > Remember me? I'm the fellow who paid your bill with newspapers from > 3,975,420,001,895,563.98 years in the future. I know I said your > rates are too expensive, and I swore I'd never ask you another > question, but this time I'm in such a jam that only You can help. > > Here's what happened: about a month after I paid your bill, I was > toodling around in the primitive past, and my time machine broke. > > You remember I had to hotwire the Kludgitron in my time machine to > twice its normal voltage in order to get 3,975,420,001,895,563.98 > years into the future; well, I forgot to set it back, and > *poof* >zap > A. D. > > Why couldn't I have just run out of fuel? > Peanut butter, they've got. > But no Kludgitrons. > I'm stuck. > Stranded. > > Well, it took me a few months, but I finally figured out how to > reach You from here. > > Please Orrie, how can I get out of here? > > From what I remember of history, I really NEED to get out of here. > Quickly. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course I remember you. I am omniscient after all. } } So, stuck in 1992. Not good. Not good at all. } } If you are anywhere near San Francisco, don't be. } } To fix your Kludgitron, you will need the following: } } - two rolls of aluminium foil } - 18 wire coathangers (or just leave two in a dark place for a } while) } - a partly chewed stick of bubble gum } - a pedal-powered church organ } - a 12 volt car battery, with only half of the cells working } } The peanut butter you got (just make sure its smooth, not crunchy). } } So, go to the back of your Kludgitron, open the panel on the lower left } and pull out the connector rack. Straighten out the hooks on 16 of the } coathangers and plug the ends into the 16 sockets in the lower half of } the rack. Wrap the foil around the coathangers. } } Next, connect the control input of the Kludgitron to the organ (use the } gum for this, as the cables will not fit neatly. The required standards } for the Organ Driven Kludgitron Interface will nto be available for } another 2500 years). } } Finally, place the battery in front of the organ, and hook the } remaining 2 coathangers onto the battery terminals. Make sure they } point north-south. } } Spread the peanut butter over the seat of the organ. Sit down at the } organ. Play. Anything. Just don't touch the A above middle-C until I } say. Keep playing (this will take a while - you are transferring the } multi-tone resonance output from the organ into the Kludgitron). Don't } touch the A above middle-C yet (it is the trigger resonance that will } tell the Kludgitron to pull in the battery power - it is only half } charged because we need to reverse the double charge you used to get } here). } } Ok get ready. Keep playing. Hold your breath. Here we go. When I say, } press the A above middle-C key. Ready. Now. } } What? Oh - nothing happened. Well, what did you expect? This is 1992. } They don't have time travel yet. Sure was fun, though. } } You don't owe the oracle anything - you already paid the price. --- 482-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most knowing Oracle, > The being who taught Perseus the secret of fire, > The deity who taught Mars and Apollo war, > Who showed Posideon how to swim, > Please hear this wreched mortal and tell me.. > > The typical American university has raised tuition at several times > the inflationary rate over the past few years. Where is all this > money going? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One for the university, one, two, three, four, five for the } oracle. One for the university, one, two, three, four, five for } the oracle. One for... } } Sorry, what was that you said? } } You owe the oracle (incarnated as bof@cs.uq.oz.au) prompt } payment of your tuition fees. --- 482-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, And } Beginning Began } Circa 1923, Changing } Deaf Designs. } Engineers Eventually, } Found Few } Great Guys } Help Hung } In In. } Just Jason } Keeping Kept } Little, Listing } Microscopic Mondo } Notes New } On Oracularities } Pulsars and Plus } Quasars. Questions } Really! Right } Since Silly } The To } Uses Us. } Varied, Very } We'd Weird } Xerox Xplanation, } Your You think? } Zagnuts ZOT! } } You owe the Oracle directions to Sesame Street. --- 482-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, whose sweat socks I would gladly inhale and beg for more, > grant this supplicant an answer to a vexing question: > > Why do people say, "Cheaters never prosper" when it's quite obvious > they often do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To understand how this saying came to be you need to know how it was } coined. Because the truth is that most of these old sayings have been } taken right out of their original context. } } It all started in pre-historic times, in the days of the cave men. Boy } were your ancestors dumb. They were so dumb that they could only count } to five because they used the index finger on one hand to count the } fingers of the other. Then they lost count when they tried to switch } hands. } } As you can imagine, I did not have a difficult job in those days. When } I felt like some amusement I would go down from Delphi and visit some } cave men, and let them ask me some questions. The most difficult was } "Where do babies come from ?". The hard part was getting them to } understand my answers. Since there was obviously no Usenet, I only } answered queries when I felt like some fun. } } Anyway, getting back to the point, the cave men's favorite ( and often } only ) sport was mammoth hunting. And frankly they were hopeless at it. } If it were not for the end of the Ice Age those hairy mammoths would } lasted much longer. When the cave men attacked the mammoths they would } all stand back and throw their spears. Most would miss, and the few } that did reach would only cause flesh wounds. The cave men came to } regard anything different as cheating. They were mostly too dumb to } think of any other way of killing a mammoth. Occasionally a slightly } smarter cave man would run up to the mammoth get underneath and stick } the spear up it's belly. Unfortunately, the strain of actually thinking } of a different way of doing things was so much that the poor cave man } would not think of the next obvious step, which was to run away before } the mammoth fell on top of him. It was in reference to these foolhardy } hunters that the cave men coined the phrase "Cheaters never prosper." } } This saying was passed along to successive generations of your species } as great wisdom. And whilst your ancestors were too dumb to know how to } get away with cheating it was in fact quite accurate. However, } evolution has made this ancient saying invalid. It should be thrown } just like other outdated sayings such as "It's not whether you win or } lose, but how you play the game." } } You owe the Oracle a coin with two heads. --- 482-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It began with a dame. They all do. She was like all the rest, > with deep brown eyes and long hair to match. She walked in to my > office and sat in my only chair. I sat on the desk as it creaked in > protest. "What can I do for ya?" I asked. > > She looked at me like I was a side dish she hadn't ordered. "They > say you can find out anything, that you have a special source that > nobody else can get to. I need your help." > > "Help like mine doesn't come cheap. How much is my help worth > you?" > > She tossed a small bag on the table. Inside was a box of > Milk-Bones, Geraldo's left nostril, Dan Quayle's presidential material, > and a Fredricks of Olympus catalog. Perfect! I thought. I can get the > Big O's collectors off my back at last! > > "All right, lady, ya got yourself a detective. What do you want > to know?" > > Then she asked it. Of all the questions I never wanted to hear > again, of all the cases I wanted closed forever, she asked the big one. > "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck > wood?" She left me her phone number and walked out without another > word. > > Over the next week I walked through more slimey holes than you'd > think they could fit in one city, but it was no use. Either everyone > in this town had gone stupid or someone out there didn't want me to > know how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck > wood. > > After a long nap and a longer drink, I decided it was no use. I'd > have to go to the Big O for the information. I hauled myself over to my > file and pulled out the Grovel folder. I found one I hadn't used > before, and began typing. > > "Dear Oracle, > > " You who are truly the greatest informant of all time. It is you > who told Nero how to hold the fiddle as the flames towered about him. > It is you who told the wise men how to find Bethlahem. Please answer > the query of this unworthy supplicant, this worm unworthy to dream of > licking your boots. Please spare me your wrath as you see me unworthy > question. Please remember my account is currently in balance. > > " I must know, 'How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck > could chuck wood?' > > " Signed, > > " Cal Club, Private Investigator" > > I sent off the letter and hoped an answer would arrive soon... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Our visitor is none other than Inspector LeStrade of the Yard." } } I sat up, thunderstruck, with one of those baffled looks which Holmes } seemed to find so amusing. "Amazing! How do you know it is him? Some } sort of rhythm to his knocking?" } } "No," Holmes said, rising from his seat,"It's the fact that he is } threatening to come back with a warrant if we don't answer the door. } That tells me that he is a police officer.I know that he's LeStrade } because he takes the trouble to reassure us that he is not a creditor. } Only someone who knows us well would bother to point that out, and } LeStrade knows us better than any other policeman I know. Elementary, } really." } } "Extraordinary, Holmes!" I said, laying it on a bit thick, "Really } quite brilliant!" I would have gone on at some length, but at this } point the door fell in with a splintering crash (a most appropriate } noise, for Inspector LeStrade (for indeed it was he without) had } crashed the door to splinters.) LeStrade stormed into our presence. He } appeared troubled. } } "See here, Holmes. A bit of a situation has come up. Frankly, all of } us police officer types are absolutely baffled. Furthermore, we freely } admit that we are baffled and come to you, a civilian for help." } LeStrade went on with his grovelling for a while. But in the meantime } Holmes was whispering to me. } } "Make a note of this Watson. Events lately have seemed rather } incredible. I am beginning to suspect that we are but characters in a } story of some sort, and a rather contrived one at that." Holmes would } have said more, but LeStrade was beginning to get around to his point. } } Apparently a certain Mr T----- had been taking his pet wallaby out for } an evening stroll when a meteorite of some description had suddenly } fall out of the sky at his feet. He had been quite surprised to find } that the meteorite was nothing other than a contused, burned human body } which had seemingly fallen out of the sky. He had set his wallaby to } guard the corpse and himself to fetching the police. } } "Let us go to where the body lays at once!" Holmes cried. Holmes may } be good at detecting, but I'm the writer. "Lies." I said. I would } have gone on to explain that one can "lay" a body down, but that the } body itself "lies". But LeStrade misunderstood my remark. } } "So, you have seen through my tissue of falsehoods," LeStrade said. } But it was not really LeStrade, as I discovered when the figure before } us removed his LeStrade mask, revealing a glowing figure underneath. } } "Why, this can be none other than the UseNet Oracle in disguise,"Holmes } said. "I'd know that longwinded, cliche-ridden manner of speech } anywhere.Good show, Watson! Do you realize you've managed to detect a } disguised immortal being?" } } "Er," I said, and was prepared to go on in that vein for a while, but } Holmes had other plans. } } "So tell me, Oh Oracle whose fleecy locks never need conditioner, whose } nasal flange is stronger than granite, who leaks wisdom..." (Holmes was } always a stickler for protocol) "...every last ever lovin' spoonful of } goodness, why did you really come to us?" } } The Oracle struck a thoughtful pose, looked out the window with a } guarded stare (or did he stare out the window with a guarded look?), } and began: "Recently I had to kill a pulp detective. He asked The } Question which Must Not Be Asked Assuming You Want To Avoid Bloodshed. } I see you are startled at my confession. Do not be. I, an immortal, } feel no remorse at killing one of your puny kind. Besides, as a native } of Olympus, I have diplomatic immunity. Anyhow, I'm worried about a } friend of this guy coming along and hunting me down. Remember--he's a } pulp detective; Spade and Archer set a precedent for this sort of } thing. You owe the Oracle a way out of this situation." } } "Are you sure he's the Oracle?" I asked Holmes, "He seems to refer to } himself in the first person a lot." Holmes ignored me. } } "I fear you are doomed. I suppose it might be possible to hide from a } pulp detective, but those detectives who are seeking revenge, } especially revenge for a lost partner, are almost impossible to evade. } And good hiding places are so hard to come by." Holmes appeared } baffled. } } "Well, at least I got Dan Quayle's presidential material. I could use a } good laugh." The Oracle appeared at the brink of despair. Holmes } suddenly looked inspired. } } "Of course! Quayle's presidential material is quite small and } impossible to discern! You need but hide within, and not even the most } steadfast detective will ever find you!" } } "Gee, that's swell," Said the Oracle, who immediately disappeared from } view. } } "Astonishing!" I exclaimed. "Marvellous, quite shrewd!" I figured the } case was pretty much closed, and was thus rather free with my } adjectives. "Holmes, you've done it again. Say, was that really the } Oracle? Who was that masked being, anyhow?" } } "It's always hard to judge identity when it comes to immortals, my dear } Watson," he said, "but he left us Geraldo Rivera's left nostril." --- 482-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most divine magnet of the opposite sex, whose semi-immortal > offspring run freely across the campuses of 1968... > > Why are the Freshwomen at Purdue so good looking this year, when last > year's class was pitiful? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Riiiinnnggg.... riiinnnngggg... } } "Hello, David Letterman's office, may I help you?" } } "Yes, this is the Usenet Oracle calling. Is Dave around?" } } "Sure, just a minute...." } } "Hi Orrie! Dave speaking... what's up?" } } "Hi Dave, got another one for you. I need the top ten reasons for the } freshman women at Purdue being better looking this year than last } year." } } "Geez, you'd think those lowlifes would come up with something a little } more interesting than THAT!!" } } "Yeah, well, that's why they're lowlifes. So how about it??" } } "Ok, ok. Here goes...." } } Top 10 Reasons that the Freshwomen at Purdue are so good looking this } year, when last year's class was pitiful: } 10. They lowered their minimum SAT score requirement. } 9. Any woman looks good to a desperate man. } 8. The University is trying to attract more good football players. } 7. They started offering cheerleading scholarships. } 6. Women always look better to guys who are drunk. } 5. What else did people in Indiana have to do during that blizzard in } 1974? } 4. The local Kmart had a back-to-school sale on Spandex this } year. } 3. They aren't really from Purdue. } 2. The Dean of Admissions just got a divorce. } 1. Evolution. } } You owe the Oracle an apartment on campus and a pair of binoculars. --- 482-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Sometimes I feel like a motherless child. > > Right now, I feel listless. Can you make me a list? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle's Top Ten Reasons why you shouldn't be so upset: } } 10. Microsoft could be run by a short whiny computer nerd with } bad breath AND really bad P.M.S. } 9. The End of the World will occur in 6 billion and 63 years } from now, not the highly incorrect but oft cited estimate of } 6 billion and 62 years } 8. Dan Quayle is going to be voted out of office Real Soon Now } 7. The psychotic axe-murder standing behind you could be holding } two hatchets instead of just one } 6. Ex-con Cocaine-addict and alcoholic ex-Mayor Marrion Barry was } voted into office as Delegate of Ward 8 in Washington D.C. } 5. The number of "woodchuck" queries is down 50% due to a totally } unconnected 50% rise of requests } 4. The Bronco netrek server is up and running once again } 3. Usenet Oracularities will be broadcast to every home in the } country by 1998 and t-shirts of Kinzler will be available for } $100 donations to the PBS telethons } 2. A well-rested Nixon is about to announce his intention to run for } the 1996 Republican Presidential Candidacy } } and the number one reason why you shouldn't feel so upset... } } 1. Your Mother could be Roseanne Barr