From oracle-request Wed Oct 21 11:44:03 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA14587; Wed, 21 Oct 1992 11:44:03 -0500 Date: Wed, 21 Oct 1992 11:44:03 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #492 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 492 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #492 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 21 Oct 1992 11:44:03 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 492 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 487 39 votes 4a7e4 7f872 1cg82 aaa90 3df71 38i73 28ba8 57ga1 3i972 67ga0 487 2.8 mean 3.1 2.5 2.9 2.5 2.7 3.0 3.4 2.9 2.7 2.8 --- 492-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, please, I beg you, answer me this: > > I'm working on an essay about the history of the paranormal entity > (commonly called 'superhero' or 'supervillain') in our soociety. Can > you therefore give me a quick run-through of the personalities and > abilities of some of these paranormals through the ages, including the > first male and female paranormals and the most powerful male and female > paranormals. > > Note: I'm interested in paranormals who have made an obvious difference > in our lives, not to (for example) omnipotent deities like Yourself who > have chosen less direct methods if intervention. > > I look forward to recieving your answer... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } CompuSwerve ORACLE'S } } ORACLE'S ACADEMIC AMERICAN } Encyclopedia } Copyright @ 1992 } Oracle Electronic Publishing } } 1 Read Me, Newbie } 2 Complaints? Are you SURE...? } 3 Talk to Lisa } } 4 Search Encyclopedia ($$$) } } Enter choice !4 } } Search term: superhero } } SUPERHERO } Articles selected: 2 } 1 superhero, historical } 2 superhero, in fiction } } Enter choice !1 } } CompuSwerve } } superhero, historical } -------------------------------- } Superhero (Neo-Latin for "big tough one") is the name given to a group } of self-appointed paranormal crime fighters, typically costumed, who } since Neolithic times have fought SUPERVILLAINS, similarly costumed big } nasty bad ones. The first identifiable superhero is thought to be } BISON MAN, depicted in the cave paintings at Altamira. Bison Man had } superhuman stampeding abilities, but since there was only one of him he } had a difficult time using them. His arch-enemy was SABRE-TOOTH GIRL, } the first female superhero, who terrorized her foes with her powerful } canines, but whose career was cut short when her parents sent her to an } orthodontic shaman. } } The next historically documented pair of superheroes were WALKS } SIDEWAYS MAN and his sister WALKS SIDEWAYS WOMAN. Born in Egypt during } the 3rd Dynasty, they were not much good at chasing big nasty ones but } were well adapted to carrying huge rectangular blocks. Their } construction of the Egyptian PYRAMIDS is acknowledged in the many } hieroglyphic depictions of the pair to be found there. } } During the Spartan tyranny over 4th Century Greece a band of } superheroes arose called the JUSTICE LEAGUE OF ATHENS. Its members } included PARADOX MAN, who stopped foes by proving motion is illusory; } SUPERSTOIC, who could not be injured because he believed pain was not } real; and LYSISTRATA LADY, who incapacitated her enemies by refusing to } sleep with them. } } Meanwhile, dynastic China saw its first superhero in THE GRASSHOPPER, } who confused his opponents both with his mastery of Kung Fu and with } his obviously Caucasian features, but whose chief paranormal power was } the ability to disappear entirely for 30 to 60 seconds at 10-minute } intervals. } } Roman superheroes were mainly pale imitations of their Greek } predecessors whose names are lost to history. Supervillains revived } briefly during the Renaissance, when evil genius MARTIN LUTHER, his } mind twisted to vengeance by a monastery accident that had given him a } bald tonsure, battled the nefarious PAPAL BULL for the fate of Europe. } } Scholars agree that the most powerful superhero ever was SCHOLASTIC MAN } of 13th-Century Paris, who could create a rock so huge that he couldn't } lift it. His female counterpart was JOAN OF ARC(1), said to have } compressed the entire Bibliotheque de Paris into a single volume. } } Alchemy, the steam engine, and Dianetics eventually made widely } available powers that once had been the exclusive domain of } superheroes, leading to their virtual disappearance by the late 19th } Century. 20th Century attempts to revive superhero associations have } largely been experiments in failure (see LEAGUE OF NATIONS, AMERICAN } FOOTBALL LEAGUE, EUROPEAN ECONOMIC COMMUNITY). } } Last Page!bye --- 492-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, unto whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and > from whom no secrets are hid, > > Can you tell me how to get, > How to get to Sesame Street? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, ok, another professor's 5-year-old child prodigy has grabbed his } dad's keyboard. But according to the Oracular Civil Right Amendment, I } can't discriminate on age, height, or television viewing preferences. } So, I guess I have to answer it. } } % whereis 'Sesame Street' } Sesame Street: } } Hmm... not found... } % cd /usr/users/oracle/omni-database/atlas } % grep -e 'Sesame Street' streets } on Sesame Street. This street was, unfortunately, destroyed in the LA } riots of } } OK. How to get to Sesame Street. (I hate to break a little } kid's heart). Walk downtown to PBS and hang a left on Innocence Way. } Keep going. Start banging on the trash cans, and when a furry green } guy pops out of one, you're there. Don't mind him; he's always a } grouch. Verbally abuse him as only a five-year-old can. } } You owe the Oracle a tape of the episode in which everyone finally met } Mr. Snuffleupagus. --- 492-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh repository of wit and wisdom, prose and verse, from the beginnings > of time to the end of eternity.... > > What are the last three lines of this limerick? > > There once was a man from Nantucket > Who kept all his dreams in a bucket... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There once was a man from Nantucket } Who kept all his dreams in a bucket } When he gave it a tilt } All the dreams spilt } And he lost his ability to rhyme. } } You owe the oracle a coracle. --- 492-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most praiseworthy Oracle, whose IQ (like mine) has so many digits it > could fill ten phonebooks and still leave a number equal to the USA > national debt, and whose muscles (like mine) are sculpted so perfectly > as to make Arnold Shwartzenegger look like Pee Wee Herman's little > brother Speck, know you of a cure for arrogance among supplicants, > other than a ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. ing isn't an option, eh? } } Well, here's a few options: } } 1) Teach Dan Quayle how to spell. } 2) Teach Bill Clinton how to inhale. } 3) Teach George Bush how to read lips. } 4) Teach Al Gore how to barbeque. } 5) Teach Ross Perot how to speak without using the phrase "you people". } 6) Teach Jim Stockdale how to speak, period. } } You owe the Oracle a fourth-party candidate. --- 492-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. Oracle: > > I've got another one for ya. This one's a biggie - It may > just get me out of this joint. I need a reply soon. > Earlier today I was sittin in my cell, just sittin there > wondering when I'm gonna get out, and telling myself that that > one night just wasn't worth it. Just then the guard comes in > and tells me to go on with him. "HE wants you now, so move > yer stinkin butt," he says. > So I'm walking along with 'im, and I'm wondering, I wonder > see what they're goin to do to me. I figure they're gonna > finally get around to choppin' my gulliver clean off, and I was > pretty damn spooked. Then I thinks they might just be moving > me to another jail. I don't know what to think about that one > - my prison is pretty crowded and smells clean through of > rottin camel shit, but I got a good racket goin there and > I'm wondering if I can start over in this new hole in the > desert dat they're gonna throw me in. > But then I sees that we're goin to the palace. I bolt > off in a run (I know they're going to make a eunich out of me) > but there are guards prowling all around in the place and I get > meself grabbed agin, whit a 'nock on the head for my trouble. > When I come to, I see I'm in the throne room, and the > Pharoah is there a lookin me over. Then he starts talking to > me, and I knows that I'm not going to be killed, moved, or > get my nutts chopped off: > > "Listen here. I heard about you, and I want you to answer > something for me." > > [I figure the cupbearer told him about me, and it's about fucking > time he did. A smooth operation, though, that one - you did a > nice clean job of that one, yessir.] > > "I had these two dreams last night - and I want *you* to > interpret them for me" > > "What if I can't?" > > "Then I'll chop your nutts off and through you in the hareem." > > "Uh, uh..., okay, shoot." > > "In this first dream, see, I saw coming out of the Nile these > stalks of grain. The grain was strange - not only did they not > smell like piss and embalming fluid like the Nile, but these > mothers were huge. Then I saw these small shitty things crawl > out of the Nile, ugly as hell, and after a while I see that they're > these small diseased grain stalks. And the shitty stalks went and > ate the big plump grain things." > > "How many stalks were there, your high lordship?" > > "Hell, I don't know! Six or seven of each, maybe. Who > fucking cares?" > > "Uh.. not me." > > "Good. Now in the second dream, there were these cows." > > "Cows?" > > "Cows. Big, huge, muscular cows. Oh, these cows were beautiful, > with big well build bodies.. oh.. yeah.. with big, huge -" > > "No need to get too bogged down in details, your grace! Please.. > continue!" > > "Ooh, ah.. okay. Then came out of the Nile these small, diseased, > filth ridden cow thingies. I'm not sure if they were cows are not. > The things were so thin, they almost looked Ethiopian. And these > maggot-infested cows started munching on the studly cows. You > should have seen the blood. Ribs, livers, all those stomachs..." > > "I see, your royal jackalness. Is that it?" > > "Yes. I told this dream to all my wise men, and none of them > could answer it. I hope you can, because my hareem is getting > rather crowded, if you know what I mean. The girls feel outnumbered." > > "Yes, sir, excactly. I know precisely what you mean. Hareem > overcrowding... yes, always a problem, sir." > > "So interpret the dreams already. I want this cleared up > before lunch." > > "Yes... yes, the interpretation. Quite a good idea, to have > it cleared up before lunch. Yes, very wise... Can I use your > bathroom?" > > "What? Yeah, sure, it's ten blocks down the hall.." > > "Hey, thanks. It'll only be a minute." > > So they're ya have it, Mr. Oracle. The bathroom is getting rather > full of eunichs and I have to get back to the Pharoah soon. What > should I tell him? I know you've helped me out of stickier things > before, and is there a way in which I can come out on top? > > Your unworthy supplicant, > > Joseph. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, Joseph, you slimeball. This is Lisa, doing triage duty } on incoming supplications. Somehow you smarmed your way past Orrie } last time, but you're dealing with me now. } } So, mister would-be Governor of Egypt, you were caught running out of } Potiphar's house buck-naked because his wife grabbed your nightie when } you wouldn't sleep with her. And Potiphar wouldn't believe you, and } that's why you're in jail. You poor poor dear. } } And Mike Tyson is just a big sweetie and William Kennedy Smith is a } parish priest and Clarence Thomas still thinks Long Dong Silver } is a character in Treasure Island. You just don't get it, do you? } That kind of stuff won't wash any more. } } My interpretation of Pharaoh's dreams is: Joseph is going to stay in } jail until his butt rots off. I know you: next you'd be trying to } convince Orrie that a good Jewish family like yours would really LIKE } to take a vacation in Egypt. Give me a break. } } Lisa } Oracular Consort --- 492-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise & most venerable Oracle, > Where did I get the bug that caused this horribly sore throat? > I'd like to strangle the person who passed it on to me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, at times the ignorance of my supplicants does indeed amuse me, you } see, sore throats are caused by viruses, not "bugs" which are actually } just insects and cannot cause cold or flu type symptoms. Most likely } you received your sore throat when... } } ...BUZZZZZZZZZZZBUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZBUZZZZZZZZZZZBUZZZZZZZZZZ... } } ...huh, what was that. Oh well, never mind. Like I was saying, you } probably got the sore throat from when you were necking in the back of } your dad's car not wearing any clothes and had the window down in all } that cold weather. What I suggest is that... } } ...BUZZZZZZ CRASH CLATTER BOOM THUNK CRASH BANG BOOM... } } What the? Who are you? } } "What we are izz unimportant. We are taking over this puny planet and } all itzz peoplezz." } } You're just a bunch of insects, aren't you? You can't take over a } planet. } } "Why not, we already outnumber all you lifeformzz combined. We shall } be victoriouzz!" } } But how? } } "The plan izz already underway. We shall poizzon all of the human } zzitizzenzz of Earth causing them to have terrible zzore throatzz. } Already much of the population izz infected." } } It'll never work you know. } } "Why not?" } } Because of this. } } "RAID!" } } Anyhow, like I was saying, just get plenty of rest, drink some chicken } soup, and avoid watching the movies Them, Ants, or Damnation Alley. } } You owe the Oracle a new can of Raid, just in case. --- 492-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > de hep de ho! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is correct, but only when the rhino is in heat. If not, the } watermelons will not burst at the proper moment, and most of the } radiation will escape. } } You owe the Oracle the shang-a-lang-a-ding-dong. --- 492-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orkle, > > my brothur Jason he sais you are a Dog-doo and > yuo haaave a Penis:brain and you pOop in yor > Pants!! too > and it smels reel bad! > > (my brothur Jason sais that) > > anywy he lifes at 324 elm St. > > P.s. he sleeps in the TOP bunk. be reel > carful im in the botum one > > yur friend > Christopher And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } DAILY NEWS 15 October 1992 } } At approximately 3:30 this morning, flames erupted from the house of } the _________ family, of 324 Elm Street. They appear to have started } from the bunk bed in the room of the children; neighbors claim that } they were awakened early in the morning by a tremendous noise which one } woman described as "A sort of enormous *ZOT*." Christopher, the son } who lived in the top bunk, was consumed instantly by the flames, but } strangely enough, Jason, who slept in the top bunk, was completely } unharmed. Jason claims that his brother, who was in the words of their } father "An incorrigible liar," began screaming, evidently in a } nightmare, that he was sorry that he had lied to the Oracle. The cause } of the fire is still being investigated. Foul play is suspected. --- 492-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose DefaultDepth( display ) == 4096, > and whose screen is 400 megapixels wide, > I hear you use tvtwm. > > Could you mail me your .twmrc? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ACTUALLY, THE MY GRAPHICS WORKSTATION I } S BROKEN AND I HAVE TO LOG IN FROM MY A } PPLE II+. WITH A 300-BAUD MODEM. SO Y } OU SEE, I WOULD SEND THE FILE IF I COUL } D, BUT IT'S A BIT TOUGH WHEN HALF THE C } HARACTER SET COMES OUT BLINKING OR IN F } UNNY COLORS. } } YOU OWE THE ORACLE AN 80-COLUMN CARD. F } AST! --- 492-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle fine o fine o fine o fine o most fine fine fine, > as fine as a fine fine line, as thick as the universe is wide, > tell me tell me oh yes tell me pleeeeeeease: > > If James T. Kirk and Wesley Crusher were pitted against each other in > interstellar warp-enabled disrupter-equipped garbage scows of > equivalent fire power, which one would win an emmy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You deserve an Emmy for that rather strange performance during your } grovel. How did you get the llama to hold still through all of that? } } Anyway, back to the question. If your scenario occurred during a } film, say "Star Trek VII: The Quest for Easy Profit," then neither } would win an Emmy...movies aren't eligible. } } So I'll assume that you are talking about an episode of STTNG } (tentatively titled "Pimply Boy Genius vs. Admiral Overact"). Kirk is } mighty quick on the trigger ("We come in peace, shoot to kill") and } therefore will fire first in any engagement, but that Wesley is a } clever wombat and will no doubt warp out of the way. Kirk will then } disable Wesley's garbage scow with a well-timed burst of photon } torpedoes and used condoms. His victory will be short-lived, however, } as Wesley will build a 43 terawatt cannon out of some bolts and a wad } of old Hamburger Helper and use it (the cannon) to remove Kirk's warp } drive. } } The Emmy, however, will go to Worf, who enters the fray by command of } Picard and takes Crusher and Kirk out with a hand phasar and some } well-placed boots to the head. } } You owe the Oracle a date with Troi.