From oracle-request Sun Nov 8 11:21:59 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA09460; Sun, 8 Nov 1992 11:21:59 -0500 Date: Sun, 8 Nov 1992 11:21:59 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #497 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 497 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #497 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 8 Nov 1992 11:21:59 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 497 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 492 34 votes 244bd 3be42 35a88 69c43 a45b4 27bb3 3a858 46f72 485c5 26ae2 492 3.1 mean 3.9 2.7 3.4 2.7 2.9 3.2 3.1 2.9 3.2 3.2 --- 497-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As much wood as a woodchuck would chuck, if a woodchuck would chuck > wood. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Welcome to... JEOPARDY! } } Entering the studio tonight is our reigning champion, a mother of six } who holds multiple advanced degrees in biophysics, Jean Tallow! } } An environmental lawyer from the Bay Area, Jon Fogelby! } } And finally, a part-time omniscient god currently employed by the } University of Indiana, the Usenet Oracle! } } Here's your host, Alex Trebek. } } "Thank you, Don Pardo! Hello, contestants! By the looks of things, } I think tonight will be pretty exciting! But let's get the game } going! Tonight's categories are: INDIANA, COMPUTERS, DELPHI, } SIMILES, BEGINS WITH "O", and POTPOURRI. As our returing champion, } Jean, you get the first pick!" } } "I'll take SIMILES for 100, Alex." } } "The answer is: } As much wood as a woodchuck would chuck, if a woodchuck would chuck } wood." } } BZZZZT! } } "Oracle!" } } "How much wood will the Oracle use to burn the next supplicant who } asks a woodchuck question!" } } "That's right! And this is the perfect time to squeeze in a } commerical break. When we return, we'll waste some more time chatting } with our contestants..." } } You owe the Oracle Pat Sajak's head on a silver platter (with a side } of Vanna). --- 497-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm looking for business networks,business groups or any kind of > business related hosts which are eveliable by internet(if possible > internatioal and company products included) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Prologue: the Better Woodchuck Bureau, an anti-Oracle terrorist } group, has set up an intercept to all the Oracle's incoming feed. This } intercept looks for certain keywords and surreptitiously replaces them, } the purpose being to aggravate and frustrate the Oracle so that he is } unable to perform his Oracular duties.] } } [Today the Oracle receives a question which has gone through the } devious BWB intercept.] } } > I'm looking for woodchuck networks,woodchuck groups or any kind of } > woodchuck related hosts which are eveliable by internet(if possible } > internatioal and company products included) } } AAAUGH! Why don't you just come right the hell out and ask it! } YOOOUUUU supplicants think you're so damn cool, with all your cute } little alterations to the STUPIDEST QUESTION EVER! First you arm your } woodchucks with powersaws, and then with plasma weapons, and now with } computer networks, apparently! I don't know what the hell you're } talking about; there are no 'woodchuck hosts' on the damn internet! } Screw it, take THAT! } } } Woodchuck this, *o**e**u**e*! } } } } Hahaha! Ha hahahah! Ha ha! You're eraser dust, cookiebunny! } } [Unbeknownsed to the Oracle, his answers are also going through an } intercept. And so a rather surprised supplicant receives the following } reply.] } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > I'm looking for business networks,business groups or any kind of } > business related hosts which are eveliable by internet(if possible } > internatioal and company products included) } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Woodchuck this, *o**e**u**e*! } } Be it known to all parties that the bearer of this message is } } entitled to the sum of $1,000,000, payable from the Usenet Oracle's } } earthly account in ten monthly installments of $100,000 each. } } [And so it went.] } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Oh great Oracle: } > Why can't I get laid? I try and try but women just don't dig me. } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } WHAT? What the hell does women not digging you have to do with } } getting woodchucks? Oh, forget it. Chew on THIS, you loser. } } Be it known to all parties that the bearer of this message is } } entitled to the sum of $1,000,000, payable from the Usenet Oracle's } } earthly account in ten monthly installments of $100,000 each. } } [Within days, the massive ammount of money in the Oracular bank account } is depleted, and the world economy gets a big boost due to all the cash } suddenly floating around. The Oracle immediately disables the } intercepts, but he is forced to auction off ten years' worth of } Oracular tributes in order to pay for the remaining $900,000 which is } coming to each supplicant he had tried to ] } } [He then spends a few days ing every member of the BWB, until } every one is gone.] } } [Or ARE they?] } } (note to the original supplicant: send mail to the Oracle with the } word 'help' in the subject line, and read the response in its entirety. } Thanks for your question, tho; I enjoyed answering it, albeit not in } the fashion you intended.) --- 497-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where's the beef? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Right here!" } } } } "Is that enough beef for you?" } } "Not bad, Oracle. But not much compared to mine!" says a well-endowed } silhouette from the doorway. } } "Oh no, it's my mortal enemy in the department of penis size, Long Dong } Silver!" } } "Prepare to do battle, Oracle!" } } With an ominous zwaaap! the Oracle's schlong springs into battle mode. } Silver's does likewise. They begin to circle each other, feeling out } their opponent's defenses. } } Silver slices, but the Oracle is quick, and saves himself with a rapid } parry. Silver's headstrong attack leaves him open, and only the best } of luck saves him from being impaled on the Oracle's heat-seeking } moisture missile. } } The Oracle swings at Long Dong's legs, hoping to win an early victory } by immobilizing his opponent, but Silver is a veteran when it comes to } cock fights, and jumps nimbly out of the way. } } The organs clash together in a shower of sparks as each man looks over } the other with an evil eye. } } LDS tries a thrust, but the Oracle spins away, returning the attack } with equal vigor. Silver falls to his knees under the massive blows. } } "You have defeated me, Oracle! I withdraw my claim!" Silver says, as } he slinks out the door. } } "Ah, Lisa? The fire from the battle still rages in my veins, and it } must be quenched with passion!" } } "Forget it, Oracle," the sex goddess reples from the doorway. "I } noticed that during the battle, Long Dong was 2.5 centimeters longer } than you were. I'm leaving you for him." Slam! } } You owe the Oracle a "me too!"-free version of alt.sex.stories and a } pathetic recital of the old size-doesn't-really-matter consolation } speech. --- 497-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Truely magnificent Oracle, you who has read "Zen and the art of > motorcycle maintenance" 14 times, who understands where the blue and > green hairy stuff on the cheese comes from, and who has a bladder > larger than of a male llama. > > I have been dreaming that I am a car lately. Should I be worried > about this. If not - please tell me whether I should use leaded or > unleaded gasoline ? > > Thy humble servant thanks thee ... Brrrrr Uuhuu BBrrrmmmm UUHuu And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are not *dreaming* that you are a car. You are becoming a car. } } But you're a nice car, at least, or rather you will be in a few days } when the change is complete: a 12-cylinder BMW with an aftermarket } Paxton supercharger and a really neat paint job and $2000-each alloy } wheels. } } Unleaded fuel, 91 octane minimum for performance, though you've got a } knock sensor & should be able to go as low as 85 octane without damage. } } You owe the Oracle -- yourself. The Oracle's not that big on Bimmers, } but you're turning into a really nice one. --- 497-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXE.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great, Wise, and basically Omnipotent Oracle, > This pitiful piece of sewer trash craves a piece of your divine > wisdom... > > Is the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and > Everything *really* 42? If so, what IS the Ultimate Question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations, Supplicant! } } Your question concerning the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, } and Everything is the One Millionth query its kind to be posed to the } Almighty Oracle! } } Because you are a part of this most noteworthy effort, you have been } chosen to win prizes suitable to such an occasion! Charlie O'Donald, } please tell this lucky supplicant what he has won! } } Thank you, All Knowing. } } Yes, as the poser of the One Millionth question concerning '42', you } will receive the cream of the Mighty Oracle's storehouses. Your } prizes include: } } A Solid Gold, Jewel Encru... } } Just a minute, Charlie - I said *suitable* prizes. I have no intention } of bestowing onto this brainless, unoriginal thought producing } supplicant the great wealth of my stored treasure. Gimme that list of } prizes. } } { The Mighty Oracle peruses the list, mentally scratching out } each entry. Finally, after scanning the entire 1 MB list, he } reaches the last entry: A Baby's Arm Holding An Apple. } } } Hmmm. Even the dregs of my great fortune are far too valuable to bestow } upon this most unworthy supplicant. But, seeing how he did pose the } Millionth '42' question, I suppose is is entitled to something. } } { The Great Oracle reaches into his pocket and produces a } handful of trinkets and small treasures: A Flux Capacitor, } diamond earings, a gold plated unicorn, a computer } generated compromising photo of H. Ross Perot's daughter, } an OverThruster, etc. Picking, through them, he sees what he's } willing to give up. } } } Here... } } { In an office, far away, the supplicant is hit on the head by } an object that appeared to fall from nowhere. He wheels his } chair back, crawls under his desk, and grabs at the gleaming } metallic prize. Bringing it into the light, he sees } what it is: A 70`s style, yellow plastic flower keychain. On } one side of the flower is emblazoned '42'. The other side says } "Have a Nice Day". } } } You owe the Oracle a flying sneaker and some very intelligent mice. --- 497-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXE.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wonderful Oracle, whose computer has infinite memory, > infinite disk space, and infinite processor speed (because the > infinitely perfect Oracle designed it...), please tell me: > When will Crayola move beyond their current 64-color (6-bit) setup > to a more modern, 24-bit color design, and how much is a box of > 16,777,216 crayons going to cost? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So you tire of your 64 color Very Good Assortment (VGA). Perhaps } you can hang on a bit longer by thinking back to the days you were } limited to the 46 color Extra Good Assortment (EGA) or back in your } neophyte days when we were limited by the 8 color Crappy Gradeschool } Assortment.(CGA) } But to answer your question, Crayola has had the technology in } place for three years to move to the Heavenly Delightful Terrifically } Valuable Assortment (HDTVA); however, progress is being delayed in } government standards commitee due to intense fighting among Crayola, } marks-a-lot, and the color by the number industry. If you find you can } no longer get by with VGA. Nippon Everyones Colors (NEC) of Japan has } just released a 256 color set of questionable quality. } You owe the Oracle a Dark Umber and a Burnt Sienna. --- 497-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what will I be when I grow up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sonny, didn't your mother teach you to say "please" when you } ask someone for something? Tell your mother Mr. Oracle said } to let you know what "grovel" means. } } When you grow up...wait while I check my crystal ball... } } You're going to be head buyer for a Midwestern chain of } mall stores selling fashions for "queen-sized" women! } } Hey...sonny...hey, you asked the... No, don't cry, um, } maybe I didn't read the crystal ball just right... } } A fireman! I was looking at the wrong side of the ball, I } guess. You're going to be a fireman, and drive a BIG RED } FIRE ENGINE that goes "AH-OOOH-OOOOOOOH!" And wear a fire } hat and have a Dalmatian named Spot in the fire house! } } You owe the Oracle... you say you've already got it? } Double Bubble? And you only chewed it once? Thanks, sonny... } ^D } } %talk gore@ozone.dem.org } Al, look, when you're Veep and shepherding through the NREN } development, you've got to PROMISE me to keep K-12 off the } Internet, or I'm gonna have to release the results of the } simulation I ran on putting into practice the environmental } legislation in your book--yeah, the 1994 Great Depression } scenario... --- 497-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you're my final hope > Of finding out the true straight dope > For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat > But none of my cats are at all like that. > This unusual animal (so it is said) > Is simultaneously live and dead! > What I don't understand is just why he > Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. > My future now hangs in between eigenstates; > In one I'm enlightened, the other I ain't. > If you understand, please show me the way > And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. > But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, > Then I will _and_ won't see you in Schrodinger's Zoo. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, I'd better get a rope } Because what I have to say, you won't like...Nope! } That damn cat, (if you'll excuse the expression), } Has been nothing but trouble, during this whole election. } Seems that Schrodinger was psychic; bet you didn't know that! } He was predicting the future with that damn cat. } On the one hand we have Georgie, who Congress he blames. } On the other hand we have Rossie, who'll probably go down in flames. } On the third hand (...The oracle has three... } Bet you didn't know that, my insignificant Supplicantie...), } On the third hand we have Willie, who waffles about, } Even in Arkansas they want him to be Pres...to get the Willie out! } Out of the state, and out of the way, } They figure a President can't do much harm, not like the Governor, they } say. So there you have it; that's the allusion. } It's the American people caught in this confusion. } They're the people that are caught in the box. } The box without windows, the box without locks. } 'Cause no matter what happens, no matter who's boss, } In the end it'll be nothing but America's loss. } } You owe the Oracle three more canidates and a rhyming dictionary. --- 497-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise, venerable, truly great Oracle, > My girlfriend and I would like to dress up as Lisa and you for > Hallowe'en. Please give us some tips on costume and makeup. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Heh heh. } } I don't think so. --- 497-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle. Dis is Quito, over in Chicago. Yeah, how ya doin'? > Anyways, I gots a bone ta pick witcha. A while ago, you sent me > a couplea questions ya wanted answered. Sure. I did it for yoose, > I'm a nice guy. `Less of course, I'm just used. I want some, ya know, > retribution. I went out on a limb for ya, Orrie. You didn't even > publish me in the Oracularities! Ya know that line you use? "You owe > the Oracle..." Well, you owe me. You owe me big, bud. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa! Lisa! } } Yes, snugglums! } } Lisa, we've got problems! Remember how I subcontracted some of the } woodchuck questions to that idiot in Chicago last month, when we got } swamped with all that desperate email from the White House? } } Of course I do... } } Well, that ratfink is back, and he has the audacity to ask for } compensation -- as if the honor of answering some of my questions } isn't enough! And look at this! Threats, even! 'Bone to pick...' } 'Nice guy...' 'Retribution...' } } Retribution? Hmm... } } Well, dear... } } And it gets worse, Lisa! If the word ever got out that I'd been } subcontracting my work to the wisdom-impaired, why... it doesn't } bear imagining, but being omniscient, I can't help it! } } Well, darling, if you'd... } } I can just see it... All the other gods will be snickering behind } my back. Venus won't let me pop around for a... } } <<> } } As I was saying, Orrie, if you'd only read the message more closely, } you'd see the solution staring you in the face. } } Ooch! Put down that niblick! Ok, lessee... 'Bone to pick...' } 'Nice guy...' 'Retribution...' } } Retribution...? Well, if it's retribution he wants, I'm sure, } heh heh, that that can be arranged. Lisa! The Chicago Yellow } Pages! } } <> } } Aha, here it is... Nunzio, Guido and Paulo, Accident Counselors. } This should be right up their alley. } } You owe the Oracle a quick apology. Not that it will help.