From oracle-request Mon Nov 16 09:26:55 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA17274; Mon, 16 Nov 1992 09:26:55 -0500 Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 09:26:55 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #501 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 501 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #501 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 09:26:55 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 501 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 496 35 votes 4ca45 ae920 6bb34 28e83 287b7 2d794 34ca6 28ca3 3ba65 26ca5 496 3.0 mean 2.8 2.1 2.7 3.1 3.4 3.0 3.3 3.1 3.0 3.3 --- 501-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, who taught Einstein about light and > even gave a few pointers to Stephen Hawking, please help this > lowly supplicant in his search for knowledge. > > I know that Time flies when you're having Fun, but the Theory > of Relativity also states that Time passes faster for someone > travelling at the speed of light as opposed to those not moving > at 1c. So how much fun would I be having if I were travelling > at the speed of light? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!C O N G R A D U L A T I O N S !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } You have just made one of the most important discoveries of history. } } Time * Velocity } --------------- = C } Fun } } This is both the secrect of space travel and a really good buzz. } } As you can see from the equation, having a lot of fun at a constant } velocity will cause a time dialation. This further explains why a } boring lecture is so slow. The Fun reciprical is a drag on time. } } Now here is the good part, as you increase you velocity to very high } speeds using rockets or something time starts dilate naturally because } of the stuff Einstien worked out, but since C is (mostly) constant } } WHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! } } is a universal expresion! It is time to Part-ey! Some space going } races have left themselves in permanent overdrive just to experiance } this, intergalactic winos if you will. } } Now the secret of space travel is to hold time constant (it is } possible) and have fun! Your velocity increases at a linear rate } relative to Fun. The astronauts of the future will be well versed in } the Karma Sutra, non contact sports and boardgames. The Sex Drive will } be capable of taking you out of this world. } } You owe the Oracle the equations for the time dialion effect, a six } pack and a condom. --- 501-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and nifty (even KEEN!) Oracle -- you are so good to us lowly ones > could you please answer my simple question: > > How can I open this soda? I just don't understand how to do it without > -- some kind of instruction, and "ME. VT. CT. MA. .05 DEPOSIT" just > doesn't make any sense to me... > > (Oh, and if it helps any, "2260NH51546CC" is written on the bottom.) > > --Thirsty And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To my uneducated and overly dense supplicant- } Because of your expert grovelling, I have chosen to answer your } question. mechanical voltage cremate mallet } } What you failed to do in your attempt at opening was take a closer look } at the message on the side. "ME. VT. CT. MA. .05 DEPOSIT" is actually } the steps one should go through in breaching the can. The first step, } represented by "ME.",stands for mechanical. In lamens terms, you should } first try some mechanical means of opening the can (for example, a can } opener). If that doesn't work, move to step two, given by "VT." What } that represents is voltage. Try intense electricution on the container } to see if you can gain entry. The third step, if the first two fail, } is "CT.", or cremate. Go to a recycling plant and ask permission to } use one of their machines to bombard your can with intense heat. That } should usually give you insight to the inside of your stubborn package. } If you try these three steps, however, and you are still } without-liquid, move to the fourth direction, "MA." This instruction } is translated as mallet. Just take a huge 20 to 30 pound hammer and } smack it a few times. You should then gain entry for consumption. If } none of those four methods work, you need to follow the last direction, } " .05 DEPOSIT". Go back to whatever store or machine you got the pop } from, deposit five cents (or give a nickel to the cashier), leave the } can, and appologize for your stupidity. } } You owe the Oracle a six pack and the last idea left in your brain. --- 501-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ah good evening, Mr Oracle, come in. Please, lie back on the couch and > relax. So how has your week been ? What's that ? Oh yes, the grovel. > I am sorry, I thought we'd worked through those feelings last week. > Very well : wise Mr Oracle, glory be to Mr Oracle, ... will that do ? > *Feeble* ?. I shall try harder next time. > Now, during your last appointment we were discussing your superiority > complex problem. Eh ? Well, you may not think it is a problem, but > you did come to me complaining that you were alienating your, er, > "supplicants". Do you not think that requiring them to grovel might be > a factor ? What's that ? You *are* superior ? Well, that may be > true, but I think they're getting fed up with having to admit it all > the time. Pride, you see. Eh ? Well, I'm not sure if this "ing" > IS the answer, Mr Oracle. You will run out of supplicants soon if you > keep toasting them. What ? My name is Sigmund, not "Wise Ass", Mr > Oracle, but in answer, what I would suggest is a month long repeal of > the "Grovel" law, to attract them back. Things can proceed as normal > after that. Does that sound like a good idea ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're just like the rest of them! They're all out to get me, you know. } First it was the KGB and the CIA, but lately it has spread. You realize } that, don't you? Only the other day there was one on the phone. Oh yes, } I know he said he had got a wrong number. But they can't fool me. Oh } no, I'm too smart, you see. Much too smart. That's why they're out to } get me. Because I'm smart. They can't tolerate that, you know. } } It's been the same with all great people. They wanted to stop Gallilei, } remember? They called Columbus and Einstein fools. They're trying to } frame me in the same manner. } } But they won't succeed. Oh no, they won't. Because I've still got my } ZOTter. Let them just try to get at me, then they'll see. Heh, heh. } I'll blow their brains out. Then they'll be sorry. Then they'll come } asking me to forgive them. They'll come begging. Ah, yes. --- 501-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #include > > dear mrs. oracle, > or can I call you Lisa?? > > Who is right: Graham-Everet-Wheeler (multiple universes) > Schroedinger/Bohr/Heisenberg (it is not there until > you look at it...) > von Neumann (the statevector will collapse into > eigenstates (but HOW and WHY?)) > Penrose (it will collapse due to gravity ) > Einstein - Rosen-Podalsky (the non-local group) > > Your puzzled novice > > p.s. Hi Lisa, what do you think of an italian restaurant this night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's about time someone tapped my intellect. I am grateful that } you have directed your question to me instead of my omniscient } significant other. } } Naturally, your question is rather difficult to answer, and involves a } careful balance of multiple-variable integration, quantum chemistry, } astrophysics, thermodynamics, and Grand Unified Theory. And, your puny } mind probably can't handle the reams and reams of notes I have made on } the subject. So, I will try to simplify my conclusion: } } Nerf Football. } } That's it. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say. Come back } when you get your PhD, and maybe I can add a couple more syllables to } my summary. } } And, in regards to the Italian restaurant- Orrie & I would probably } love to join you... } } What? You didn't really think I'd DATE you? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! } } You owe the Oracle's honey-bun: a box of Kleenex! I'm laughing so hard, } I'm crying! HAHAHA! He wants to date } me! HAHA! --- 501-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All-knowledgeable Oracle, > I am convinced that I am a woman in a woman's body. How can I > get out? > > --Janice And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Janice, } } You are suffering from a brutal and soul-wrenching problem that } was first diagnosed by Sigmund Freud in a woman named Onna A. -- a } disorder known as gynecointragynia. } } Onna A. manifested some of the worst, most pathological symptoms } of the disease. Her family began to notice when she began trying to } peel away her skin to, in her words, "reveal the woman within." } (Luckily, she was using a dull Ronco turnip peeler, so the cuts were } minimal.) Then she began swooping around the house singing "Please } Release Me (Let Me Go)" as she threw her clothes off, intermittently } punctuating her singing with screams of "I'm not really a woman! I'm } actually a _woman_! A _woman_, dammit!" The last straw came when Onna } attempted suicide by applying makeup on the inside of her facial skin. } } Freud eventually treated Onna A. by bringing in Salvador Dali } (then only an unborn anachronism, but still very talented) to paint a } picture of how Onna would look if she got rid of the woman's body, } revealing the woman within. Much more efficacious than an anatomy } text, Dali's classic (called "The Impermanence of Mammary," and the } first appearance of melting cocks in his work, although Dali eventually } switched from roosters to timepieces) was the first known example of } art therapy. } } Modern methods employ knowledge gained from up-to-date research. } Since it is well-known now that people who have near-death experiences } (NDEs) often perceive themselves as free of the confines of their body } for short periods of time, that fact has been used as a means of } treatment. NDE therapy, in which the patient's heart is stopped and } then restarted with CPR, allows many women with gynecointragynia to } escape from their bodies and see that it's really not so hot after all. } After a few sessions, they become acceptant of being women trapped in } women's bodies, and usually just spend the rest of their lives in a } state of normal, productive, maudlin unfulfillment. } } You owe the Oracle a tape of the Geraldo episode that you were on. --- 501-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > make relationship\ work > Make: Don't know how to make relationship work. Stop. > > Now what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously you don't have the proper makefile. } } (Fill in the variables as appropriate.) } } SO = } } relationship\ work: flowers dinner sex } } flowers: } give $(SO) flowers } } dinner: } buy $(SO) dinner } } sex: } sex -g $(SO) || echo $(SO) has a headache. } ### } } Try that. } } make supplicant\ grovel } Make: Don't know how to make supplicant grovel. Stop. --- 501-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I was growing up, I thought I would grow up to look just like > Barbie. But now that I've grown, I've found that certain parts of me > just aren't as big as Barbie. Why did it turn out that way, Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And now, direct from the top of the building that towers over all your } miserable hovels, in the richest part of town and staring right at you } through huge gaps in his teeth and I.Q., it's DAAAAA-VIIIIID } LETTERMAAAAAAAAAAAN! Tonight's star attractions: Whoopi Goldberg - } Pearl Jam - The Usenet Oracle - Stupid Pet Tricks - ... and Paul } Schafer with the World's Most Dangerous BAND! } } } } "Our first guest on tonight's live Late Night is a woman we're all } increasingly and nauseatingly familiar with these days. She's an } actress, comedienne, has her own talk show, and moonlights as Guinan on } Star Trek: The Next Generation. Let's all give a big welcome to WHOOPI } GOLDBERG folks!" } } (unexpected scuffling backstage. An indignant voice rips out) } } "What do you MEAN I have to wait my turn? Get out of my way! I should } have top billing! You aren't even a GENUINE alien bartender! Why I } oughta..." } } (a loud charring noise is heard from behind the curtains. The smell of } ozone fills the studio. The curtains part, revealing a tall, } disturbingly handsome Usenet Oracle. Dave stifles an impulse to gag.) } } "You didn't see that Paul" he says. } } (Paul smiles behind his shades, nods his balding head, and picks a bad } time to start playing "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes". The Oracle sits } himself comfortably in a sofa that hovers an inch or so above the } ground. It hadn't been there a moment ago. The crowd applauds } appreciatively. They have no choice.) } } "Well, Oracle. Nice to have you on the show. What have you got for us } today?" } } (The Oracle takes a small plastic-wrapped box from under his arm and } puts it in his lap.) } } "Thanks Dave. It's good to be back, and boy have I got a surprise for } you." } } "What's that you've got in your hand, Oracle?" } } "Well Dave, seeing the way you dress and the outdated jokes you use, } you may not know this yet but, heh-heh, it's the nineties. The '90's, } Dave. It's an important time to be thinking about what people want } next. It's a new age of reason and liberality." } } "You're talking about president Clinton." } } "I'm talking about plastic girlie toys, homeboy." } } "What?" } } "I'm talking about Barbie and Ken dolls, nerdball." } } (The Oracle pulls a doll out of the box. It is a replica of a young } man, handsome, stylish wavy hair, and bathing suit." } } "Ehr, it's got tits on it, Oracle." } } "So?" } } "Ken's not supposed to have tits." } } "So?" } } (Dave takes a close look at the doll's pelvic region) } } "A SPLIT-CROTCH SWIMSUIT? Oracle, this doll doesn't even have a... you } know... a..." } } "Twelve-inch willy, Dave?" } } "YEAH!" } } "That's because, Dave, this is the... } } CROSS-DRESSER TRANSVESTITE ACTION KEN DOLL!!! } (Tm.)" } } "You must be joking." } } "Dave, would I kid you? This is what the public wants! This is what } it NEEDS! The masses cry out for Ken dolls with bazongas! Ever since } Ken and Barbie appeared several decades ago, he's been wearing peach } and cream suits, lime-green leisure suits, and sunglasses perched over } his oh-so-permed hair! This is the Ken Doll of the nineties! HE'S COME } OUT OF THE CLOSET!!!" } } "What will they think of next. Well, thanks for coming on Oracle. } We'll go to commercial, folks, and come right back with Stupid Pet } Tricks and Pearl Jam. Stay tuned." } } (throws pencil. Sound of cat being torn apart by chainsaw. Obvious } audio F/X problem...) } } "No WAIT, Dave! I haven't FINISHED! Wait'll you see my BUTCH-ACTION } HAIRY LEGS BEER-SWILLING BARBIE DOLL! They'll love her up in } DesMoines!!! THEY.. } } (fade to black) } ------------------------------ } } Oh damn. You owe the Oracle a spot on Geraldo. Where'd I put my } ZOT-gun... --- 501-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omnipotent woodchuck .. , oracle. > > I would like to ask you a question, which has nothing to do with > woodchucks, not at all, trust me. > > I have this pet, not a woodchuck, looks completely different from one, > no woodchuckish features at all, and it is spending the day sleeping, > (in a very un-woodchuck-like way), and the nighttime in a > wood-chucking frenzy (note the hyphen, this has nothing whatsoever > to do with woodchucks). Should i continue supplying my pet (which > is not -I repeat *NOT*- a woodchuck) with wood, or should i try > to help if fight thit nasty un-woodchuck-like (since woodchucks > can't chuck wood) habit ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *Ring* } } *Ring* } } Hello, you have reached the Usenet Oracle's Woodchuck hotline. If you } have a question about woodchucks, press "1" now. } } If you have a real question not concerning woodchucks, press "2". } } *2* } } Please state your question at the tone and one of our representatives } will be with you shortly. } } *Question stated* } } Thank you, expect a reply shortly. } ... } } Sir, you should shoot the poor thing and put it out of its misery! } Rabid animals are a danger to themselves and to everyone else. } } You owe the Oracle a new answering machine. --- 501-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle from whom we should all cringe in terror lest you > us from sheer boredom, grant me a gift of your wisdom. > > Why are there no questions for you to subcontract out to the masses of > helpful suplicants who wait breathlessly for a chance to answer a > question which you deem to be beneath your standards and refuse to > answer it, in your great wisdom, yourself? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK } } The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } } > Oh great oracle from whom we should all cringe in terror lest you } > us from sheer boredom, grant me a gift of your wisdom. } > } > Why are there no questions for you to subcontract out to the masses } > of helpful suplicants who wait breathlessly for a chance to answer a } > question which you deem to be beneath your standards and refuse to } > answer it, in your great wisdom, yourself? --- 501-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will become of America now that Clinton has won the ellections? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Everybody's taxes will go up. Clinton will bed Elle MacPherson as his } prize for having won the ellection. The nation's infrastructure will } be rebuilt, giving a few thousand people jobs and raising the deficit. } A new religion will spring up that worships Ronald Reagan and Ronald } McDonald as a Duality, and attract millions of converts. Jane Fonda } will have a sex-change operation. Hillary Clilnton will have a torrid } lesbian affair with the new Supreme Court justice, Anita Hill. Ross } Perot's daughter will immolate herself on the White House fence. There } will be a 50-cent-a-gallon fuel tax. The stock market will go bear.