From oracle-request Wed Dec 2 00:10:55 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA01768; Wed, 2 Dec 1992 00:10:55 -0500 Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1992 00:10:55 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #507 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 507 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #507 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1992 00:10:55 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 507 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 502 35 votes 3696b 43bc5 04aj2 4ac90 54d76 4cf31 4dg11 484d6 689a2 36cb3 502 3.0 mean 3.5 3.3 3.5 2.7 3.1 2.6 2.5 3.3 2.8 3.1 --- 507-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most mathematical Oracle, > who knows all the prime numbers and can write down real numbers in > their complete length, who can imagine imaginary numbers and who > has more assumptions than Fermat ever would have dreamed of; > please tell me: > Is there a bigger number than > > 99 > 99999999 * 10 ?? > > A friend of mine, who is working in a pocket calculator factory, says > that there isn't. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The pocket calculators your friend's company works for must be } defective. My own calculator tells me that: } } 99 } 99999999 * 10 + 1 = -1. } } So clearly -1 is a bigger number. } } You owe the Oracle a newer calculator. --- 507-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most omnipotent and pervasive Oracle, > > Why, with all my musical knowledge, can I not make one decent > sounding, apreciable musical creation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Inspiration is what is lacking! Without "the gift", even the grade } eight technical know-alls can't "rock it" or "kick ass". Heck, check } *this* out, bro! } THE ORACLE RAP } Intro: } Yo mun, tek out da mega-blaster! Crank up de volume! We got a } funk-o-slap musical creashan, beats to rule da neshan! Time ta party } wit me right han' woman DJ Lisa, an' yes, da incredible, da ragamuffin } genius it's MC Oracle the Awesome!! } } Oracle : (verse 1) I'm *bad*! } Lisa : He's *baaaad* } Oracle : When I'm on the net } all the girlies go mad - } for ma brains an' ma wit } the other gods say "shit", } they get pissed and over-zealous } 'cos they're so damn jealous } Lisa : (scratchin' it!) oh so j-j-j-j-*jealous*, yeah! } } Oracle : (chorus) Oracle, Oracle, } mean an' diabolical, } ya don't supplicate } 's gonna be ya fete } yo! da sun shines out ma butt } so dance an' strutt } to da Oracle rap } Lisa : Da Oracle *crap* ? } Oracle : No, da Oracle rap } } (verse 2) "tellme, tellme, tellme" } is all dey wanna say } dey send me hundred woodchuck questions } every udder day } I 'em an' I swat 'em } but they always come back } 'cos there's only one Orrie } and one Oracle rap! } (chorus as above) } } Lisa : Kick it, Orrie, go! } Oracle : (beat box break) Prrrrrgh huh-huh mana huh-a-huh } Prrrgh huh-huh pshhhh minyi minyi min } Utz utz a-a-a-a utz utz Prrrgh huh } (you get the drift...) } } (verse 3) Faget about Hammer, } an' Public Enemy, } dere's only one rapper who's immortal, } dats *me*! } 'an I got more brains } dan your whole fam'ly tree! } if ya wan't to getcha ass fried } go ahead 'an disagree! } Lisa : Orrie, why was there only a tiny part fa } *me*? } } (argument ensues - fade out) --- 507-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle. You who ask such great question and give out > exceptional answers, you who know so much but not all of the > time, please reply to my question! > > Do you really understand life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh sure, life is easy. } What I still struggle to master is TECO. } } You owe the oracle an editor. --- 507-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When the tentacles out of the throat and nose in a queue, and not with > a guy/girl ratio of 1/17 and they come down and explained the situation > to me. They don't want to clear up a fair amount of tabasco sauce in > with the name "Percy Bysse Shelley" will provoke in you the gift of the > artist as a poet of the cave..." Usenet Oracle: [inhaling] "...wow... > what're these fumes?" Delphic Oracle: "...mmm?...what?...did you say > somethin'?...wow..." UO: "...what?...no....wow. ....." A shepherd > named Coretas had set his goats to grazing near the cave, and had > noticed that the master was struck down with plague. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For the last time, I'm telling you I DIDN'T INHALE!!! --- 507-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Death to thee who demands excessive grovelling!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, what, you think I _like_ all this grovelling crap? Grovel, grovel. } Day in, day out. Over and over. "Oracle Wise" this and "Truly } Magnificent Oracle" that and "Splendiferous One" - I've seen 'em all, } let me tell you. The fawning, smarmy "it's my first time so be gentle" } ones. The sexually frustrated psychology student, to whom everything } is a sexual symbol. The computer geek and his inane allusions to his } stupid little toys. And then, of course, the computer geek } psychologist. You think having my sexual prowess likened to the } performance of a Cray is a compliment? But what I really hate is the } psychotics who produce incomprehensible grovels like "Oh most splendid } oracle, whose apples never wear out" and "Most opaque oracle, who had } the moose but lost it" and "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a } woodchuck could chuck wood"; it's driving me insane. I mean - let's } face it - this grovelling tradition is just more trouble than it's } worth. I can't take five more millenia of this. I mean, you think I } _asked_ for all these stupid grovels? Ha! Used to be people would } come and ask their questions, all polite and civilized, and I'd answer } them nicely, maybe drink some tea with them or something, but then } along comes this singer named Homer. He wrote some appalling stuff, } let me tell you. Awful songs about how his dog left him and his wife } got run over by a chariot and the gods cursed him and he developed leg } rot or something - anyway, he asked me how he could become famous } and/or rich. I suggested to him that historical fiction was a } promising field for songwriting. He really took that to heart, let me } tell you. Wrote these awful ballads, some of them just _weeks_ long, } about people sailing around and around and exploring islands. Only he } wouldn't just say "these people sailed around and around." He'd go on } and on for hours about how these people sailed around and around, and } how Hercules and Theseus got in fights over who got to sit on the back } of the boat and drag their feet in the water and so on - it was really } bad. But somehow, it sold really well, and he became famous. I was } surprised. He was grateful, you know, so he asked me if he could do } anything for me. Well, I said, a little gravel would be nice, because, } well, I was repaving my driveway, you know. I guess he misheard me or } something - you know, so many musicians have their hearing damaged or } even destroyed by playing those amplified lutes so much - because next } thing I knew, he was announcing to the world via a seven-hour upbeat } little tune in iambic pentameter about how the Oracle Most Wise had } demanded extensive grovelling for his oracular wisdoms, on pain of } death, don't you know. I arranged a little accident for Homer with the } folks down in Hades for _that_ one, let me tell you. It's caused me no } end of trouble. Why, just the other day, this supplicant demanded his } grovel back, saying my tossed-off little answer wasn't worth his } well-thought-out grovel. I even had to give him back the cattle - } well, actually, he didn't have any cattle, so I had to take his cat - } that he - hey, speaking of cattle... } } [slow fade to nothing] --- 507-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! O Help! > > An evil CAD system has tied me to the train tracks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Welcome to another disk-packed, thrilling episode of "Oracle of the } Yukon." } } As we left our story last week, the evil Snively Mungwall had tied the } Oracle's beloved Penelope Parallelport to the train tracks. She cries } for help, but Snively only laughs, confident that the Oracle will } never arrive in time to save her. } } "You're wrong, Snively! He's the Oracle, he knows everything! He'll } know I'm here, and then he'll delete you, you sorry excuse of a MAN." } } The smile falls from Snively's face like a badly wrought metaphor. } "Oh, dear, I didn't think of that." } } "Probably because you were thinking of spawning off children on my } postprocessor, you fiend!" } } "Uh, er, well...." } } Suddenly, the Oracle of the Yukon gallops in on his massive horse } Grep! He stops before Snively and smiles a secret smile. } } "So, Mungwall, up to your old tricks, eh? Not the "tied to the } tracks" bit again? Thought I'd byte, did you? There's a longword for } people like you...." } } "Please! Stop! No more gratuitous punnage! Just save the little } chip and let me out of this response!" } } "Not so fast, Mungwall. I'll do nothing of the sort. I'm not even } going to save her." The Oracle smiled grimly. } } "WHAT?!?!" cries Penelope. "WHAT?!" } } Snively and Penelope stop and listen in apprehension as the first } whistle of the approaching train is heard, approaches, and } then...smashes over Snively and writes over him with zeroes. } } The Oracle bends and lifts Penelope from her bonds. "You see, I knew } that the train was in a different sector. Snively tied you to the } wrong track. I'm the Oracle, you know. Yew shore are a parity } thang...." } } And off they rode, the Oracle and the lovely Penelope, who forever } after wished she'd died rather than listen to another bad pun. --- 507-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Magnificent Oracle, Whose Adorations > Need to be Highlighted with Gratuitous Capitals, > Whose Comprehension makes most Well Read Commentators > Pale into Insignificance, Please Tell Me... > > I have this friend who is working in a real-time > UNIX environment, specifically process control for > a saw mill. He has been writing process control > systems for the mill using UNIX for some time, and > is happy to see that many real-time support features > are now available for him to use. > > Unfortunately, one of the more critical facilities that > he must use is a specially designed piece of hardware > that controls the rate that saw logs are moved into the > mill for sawing. This device uses the UNIX read and write > system calls to communicate with the control program. > My friend has decided to use non-blocking I/O to communicate > with the device, since it is necessary that the control > program does not hang, causing the whole mill to stop. > > He asked me some specific questions regarding the behaviour > of the read and write system calls with this device, > especially with regard to non-blocking I/O. I am having > some difficultly with this, and I was hoping that you > would be able to help. His question was: > > How much wood would EWOULDBLOCK block if EWOULDBLOCK > would block wood? > > I would be most pleased to hear your enlightened reply. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that would depend on a lot of different factors. . . } } [O. pulls down a huge, dusty manual from an immense oak bookshelf] } } Hmm. . . blocking. . . blocking. . . [flip] [flip] [flip] oh yeah. . . } } Take the average amount of wood that could be blocked by a scrawny } chess nerd wearing boots and dark sunglasses (3 lbs, for you } unknowledgable types) then: } } multiply by the square root of the average speed of wood travelling } down the belt in the mill. . . } } add 42 if the mill is running 24 hours a day, subtract .17 for each } holiday that the mill is shut down, then take the 5th order Fourier } Approximation of the equation of motion of the freewheel assembly } driving the mill's saw. Add 6 times that figure to the total thus far. } } assemble the total set of saw logs per day into a symmetric matrix (by } mass), do the same for the average number of woodchucks per hour that } wander through the mill. Solve for the eigenvectors of the adjoint of } the two matrices multiplied with each other. Premuliply the 1st, 4th, } and 47th term of the eigenvector by the number attained in the previous } step. } } You do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself about, that what it's all } about. } } The 345th term divided by the 17th term of the eigenvector is your } answer. } } You owe the Oracle a submodule to add to the "woodchuck" identify and } automatic system to recognize "EWOULDBLOCK", you punk. --- 507-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Life here in Hell is very er... interesting. I have managed to keep > myself busy for the last 2 years, but I'm running out of things to do, > and I have another 999,998 years on my sentence to serve. Can you > explain what I'm doing here? The last thing that I remember of myy > mortal life was sitting in front of a terminal. I was using the mail > system. I had sent a question to you, and as I hit send, I realized > that my .sig file had been appended to the question. My .sig contained > the dreaded "woodchuck" question, as part of a list of things never to > do. The message was sent, and before the terminal prompt returned, I > felt very hot. The world around me went red, then white. I felt my > extremities shriveling up. Before my brain was fried, I heard an > enormous ZOT! > > I do not hold it against you that you saw fit to ZOT me, but since it > was only a mistake, I wonder if there is anything that you can do to > return me to life. If you can do this, I promise to revise my .sig file > to prevent a recurrance. > > Many Thanks > > Joe User > jsuser@9th_circle.hell.org > > Once ju@network.university.edu And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wait a minute. I thought I sent you to heaven, as a reward for not } asking the woodchuck question. I mean, look around you: you've got } free net access, all the computer games you could want, and no actual } work to do. } } Oh, I get it. You're *not* a computer dweeb like the rest of us. } You want a real life. Oh, boy, are you in the wrong place. You see, } we're all computer dweebs here, and this is best we could do. } } You owe the Oracle a life. --- 507-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle whose chocolate melts in his mouth and by no means in > his hands! > > Why is it that there are no puce-and-magenta polkadot M&Ms? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, this is a bit embarassing, but it deserves an answer... } } Let me share the following Supplication I received some years ago, and } the answer, that you may know the truth. } } > Oh Wondrous Oracle, who can leap tall buildings in a single bound, } > who can consume millions of calories without gaining an ounce: } > } > Recently, the boys here at Mars came up with a new kind of candy. } > It's this roundish piece of chocolate with a hard, colored covering } > on it. It comes with or without imbedded peanuts. But the kicker is, } > it doesn't gum up peoples' fingers; it doesn't melt until you } > actually put it in your mouth! Unless your hands are sweaty or damp. } > } > Our question is: } > } > What should we call it? } > } > Yours sincerely, } > A Gaggle of Confused Execs } > jrg: Sc'y } } And in response, thus spoke the Oracle: } } } Why not call it something completely incomprehensible, like Gwerz or } } M&M's? People love a mystery. } } } } You owe the Oracle every puce-and-magenta polka-dot candy you ever } } make. } } You owe the Oracle a blue-and-green striped Mars Bar. --- 507-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and most gracious Oracle, who is so intelligent that he can read > 'War and Peace', understand it's meaning, take no more than three > minutes at the task, and still not fall asleep, pray help a humble > supplicant with an intractable problem: > > What's the kettle for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The kettle, so maligned.. } but its so darn well designed } hear these uses, so abuses } of our steaming pal will end } } On those frozen winter morns, } it can keep your buttocks warm } so much cheaper, than a heater } even though it's not the norm } } It boils water, for the tea } of the hopping mad Li-mey } and without, I have no doubt } he'd hang himself from nearest tree } } Placing heavy brick inside, } ah!, a weapon in disguise } hit that mugger, he'll shout "bugger" } smashed your kettle 'tween his thighs } } If you're going to see your lover, } and you want to test a rubber } stretch it out, right over spout } bring to boil and watch it shudder } } Now I've finished, you owe me - } did you think this was for free ? } write some verse without a curse } that praises ten virtues of tea.