From oracle-request Wed Jan 6 20:55:37 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA13511; Wed, 6 Jan 1993 20:55:37 -0500 Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1993 20:55:37 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #516 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 516 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #516 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1993 20:55:37 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 516 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 511 39 votes 78a86 a9b90 6bb83 79d82 1a9f4 58ea2 24dd7 57e85 3ci60 04d9d 511 3.0 mean 2.9 2.5 2.8 2.7 3.3 2.9 3.5 3.0 2.7 3.8 --- 516-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh grate sir: > > Is your address ``moose'' because your answers lately have been similar > to what an animal produces? > > Just curious. > ps Save your Zot! answers for another time. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean as life-sustaining as meat, as luxuriously comforting as fur, } and as useful as hide? The Oracle appreciates the thought, but no, } there is a much more prosaic explanation for "moose". The Oracle } actually resides in a moose! It has long been known that, as a } computing device, the human brain far outstrips even the most } sophisticated machinery. The same is true of most mammalian brains. A } shrew can be re-configured to operate at approximately the level of an } Apple 2E. A tiger can perform about as effectively as a Sparkstation. } A moose provides more than enough computing power to support the } Oracle's activities on this planet, and has the added benefit of a } really impressive nose. } } You owe the Oracle a 10 mega-flop pig with 5 gigabytes of RAM, a } graphics co-processor, a 100 Mbyte harddisk, and 5 tons of slop. --- 516-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I addicted to sniffing my dogs foul breath!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The words "foul" and "dog" are triggering something in the Oracle's } infallible memory...something in the Personals column of today's } Disincarnate Herald... Ah! Here it is: } } LOST: ONE HELLHOUND } NEAR THE PLAIN OF MEGIDDO } COAT: STYGIAN BLACK } EYES: COAL-BLACK, WITH NASCENT RED GLOW } SIZE: HUMUNGOUS } BREATH: LIKE THE TOMB, ONLY LESS PLEASANT } IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO: } FOUR HORSEMEN STABLES AND ENGLISH RIDING SCHOOL } 666 TORMENT CIRCLE } DIS, HADES 90210 } } You appear to have acquired a beast whose presence is required } at the last trump. To answer your question, the breath of the } hell-hound is known to lighten one's karmic burden, if only } because its very foulness is more than adequate penance for } any sin. So it looks like you know what is good for you. } } You owe the Oracle a hail mary and a bag of snausages. --- 516-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is the meaning of life? > which of us is the opposite sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi. } } I could flame you for not groveling, or for asking two questions in } only one message, but because I am the Oracle, and all-knowing as well } as all-tolerant (at least with regard to Lisa), I realize that your two } questions, really, are as one. Let me explain. } } There are plenty of other questions you could have asked, like "Why are } manhole covers round?" or "Help! This situation isn't covered by } 'Life's Little Instruction Book!' What do I do?" or even "Where's that } dag-blamed shift key again?" } } But you chose to ask "what is the meaning of life?" and "which of us is } the opposite sex?" Since you asked one right after the other, clearly } you find them linked. Equally clearly, what you really meant to say } was "How can I get a member of the opposite sex to discuss the meaning } of life with me, while we're both horizontal and naked?" And gosh, how } I'd tell you if I knew. } } -- Incarnation #73 --- 516-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me why it is an undesputed fact that HARDCORE TECHNO as a > music form is better than anything else in this world. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the past, musicians placed a greater emphasis on frivolous musical } techniques, such as harmony and melody. As we have approached modern } times, the "science" of musical composition has advanced, following the } "less is more" principle, such that the major emphasis in techno music } is the repetition of a single note, over and over again (or so it } seems). The Oracle is sure that, had the technology been available, } Mozart would have written the entire body of his music such that it } must be played on extremely expensive electronic equipment at volume } setting "11" to be appreciated. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor", for } synthesizer and electric guitar. --- 516-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the obvious answer is that "it" is a pronoun (more specifically, } a neuter pronoun of the third person singular). But since you've gone } to the trouble of asking the Oracle this question, instead of simply } looking "it" up in the dictionary, you must be talking about the "it" } of the ancient legends.... } } In the ancient days, when the earth and sky were young, war had not yet } been invented. The young warriors sat around the council fire and grew } restless, for they had nothing to do. So chief Jumping Eagle saw that } the warriors were restless, and decided that they must occupy } themselves with a game. So they played tag. } } Chief Jumping Eagle was the first to be "it", and he tagged Dancing } Sparrow. And Dancing Sparrow tagged Running Bobcat. And Running Bobcat } tagged Walking Horse and Walking Horse tagged Sleeping Moose. But } Sleeping Moose was the slowest of all the warriors, and he could not } tag anyone. } } So Sleeping Moose saisd, "I will tag the west wind, so that the west } wind will be it." and he tagged the west wind. But the on the next } day, the wind blew from the east, and tagged Sleeping Moose right back. } So then Sleeping Moose said, "I will tag the water in the river, so } that the water will be it." And he tagged the water, and the water ran } down the Big River, and the Big River ran down to the Big Sea. And } many moons passed, and the water became the clouds, and the rain fell } on Sleeping Moose, and tagged Sleeping Moose. } } So Sleeping Moose said, "I'm sick of this. I will tag the big } mountain, which does not blow as the wind, and does not run as the } water. The big mountain will stay where it is, and will not tag me } back. So Sleeping Moose tagged the big mountain, and the big mountain } stayed where it was, and did not tag Sleeping Moose back. } } And the big mountain was it for many, many seasons. The warriors had } grandsons and their grandsons had grandsons, until the medicine man } they called Oracle climbed the big mountain, to speak with the spirits } of nature. And the Oracle said to the spirit of the big mountian "Big } Mountain Spirit, will you speak to me?" And the spirit of the mountain } said "Yes, I will speak to you, Oracle." Oracle said "What do you have } to say to me?", and the big mountain said. "Tag, you're it! Hahahaha!" } } And Oracle was it for many more seasons, until Unsuspecting Supplicant } came to Oracle. And Unsuspecting Supplicant asked Oracle: } } "What is it?" } } And Oracle replied: } } "TAG!!! _You_ are it!!!! No Tag-Backs!!! Hahahahahaha" --- 516-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose toe-jam I am not worthy to play football with, > whose walrus gumboots I am too lowly to lick, and whose mojo filter is > never clogged, I beg you to tell me: > > Who is this Lucy person? I mean, how did she get in the sky, and where > did she get all those diamonds? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It all began thirty years ago,... } ... } } ...um, It all began thirty years ago,... } ... } } (Is your screen all wavy yet?) } } Dum da-da-dum da-da-DUP da-dum... } "Hurry, Lucy! We're going to be late for the dinner." } "Okay, I'm ready, Ricky. How do I look?" } "Oh, Lucy! Your dress is...so...so...inside out." } "What? Oh my!" } "Go fix it -- and hurry up! We don't want to be late" } } (Commercial Break) } TIME-LIFE(tm) Books is proud to announce its new series of videos: } VIOLENT CARNAGE FROM U S POLITICS } Now you can own your own slow-motion footage of some of the classic } deaths in the political quest for power. Witness the drama of the } JFK, RFK, and LBJ assassinations. See Martin Luthor King and Lee } Harvey Oswald get plugged in detail you never thought was possible. } Take a journey you will never forget with the LAPD as they viciously } pummel Rodney King, and thrill in the bloodshed following the trial. } All these great classics plus some never-before-seen footage of some } of our own Time-Life editors beating up on bystanders can be yours for } just $39.95 when you call 1-800-THE-FIST. Make your video library } complete! } Order your copy of VIOLENT CARNAGE FROM U S POLITICS by calling } 1-800-843-3848. Thats 1-800-843-8834. Order today! } } (End Commercial) } } "Gee, Ricky, isn't she going to explode in the vacuum of space?" } "Who? Lucy? No, not Lucy!" } "Help! Get me down! Somebody call an astronaut! Helllllp!" } } Dum da-da-dum da-da-DUP da-dum... } } You owe the oracle vintage footage of Fred McMurray killing his three } sons. --- 516-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is DOG? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Beats hell out of me. Go ask your parish tseirp. } } You owe the Oracle a caps lock key. --- 516-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are my friends so stupid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O Unworthy Disrespectful Mortal! } } Your "friends" are not stupid at all; they are mind-phased to } approximately 45 degrees through a dimension you would not } understand. On this level, they disuss transcendental existential } multiphase quantum metaphysical dynamics and make fun of your typing. } } In order to become mind-phased, one must drink an awful lot of } tequila while watching "Wayne's World" standing on one's head playing } the kazoo to the tune of Robert Johnson's "Dead Shrimp Blues" wearing } a tutu and high heels that are too small for you. Yes, even if you } are a guy. And yes, through the whole movie. Also double yes you } have to have the tequila shots every ten minutes, with no chaser. } } If you don't do this exactly, you will just be silly, drunk and } stupid. } } You Owe the Oracle ten packs of Smarties and a copy of "Wayne's } World". --- 516-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well , subject says it all... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, yes. The subject does say it all, subjectively speaking. } } But the subject of my objection is my rejection of your interjection } that the subject, objectively speaking, does say it all. For on } objective reflection, apart from the subject, you neglect to respect } the effect of the adjectives and the objects (both direct and } indirect.) } } Trying to be circumspect of any disrespect, in retrospect I would } expect to connect a more correct recollection of the subject with your } intellect. --- 516-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle whose toe jam is sweeter than Smucker's; your humble > supplicant beseeches you. Please tell me. > > How can I gain wisdom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's 1993 (in your mere mortal years, anyway), and I no longer have toe } jam. I have Pearl Jam. } } And since it's just after Christmas, we here at the Oracle Shopping } Network have great deals on a whole range of Supplicant Products for } Increased Tenacity (SPIT). These will surely help you gain wisdom. } } 1) Ensure++. Originally $999.99 (450 pounds sterling, several million } lira), *NOW ONLY $6.66!!!* This powdered fish brain is just what you } need to add weight and muscle to the old cerebellum! Simply have a } reasonable breakfast, a reasonable lunch, and then 35 Ensure++ shakes } for dinner, and _presto_, you'll find that your head will be SPINNING } with new ideas! } } And for the "Show-off" in you, try New Ensure Ego! Works like } Ensure++, but it will actually INCREASE THE SIZE OF YOUR HEAD! Watch } people's eyes bulge as they gaze at what must surely be a dizzying } intellect! } } Available in Chocolate, Vanilla, Bubble Gum, Coral, Lilac, Firebrick, } Heifer, and Battleship Grey. } } 2) Marks-Pheing XR287 X-Ray Goggles. 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And if it doesn't } work after 5 tries, we'll replace it *FREE*! } } To order, simply send check or money order to: Oracle Shopping Network, } P.O. Box 92166, Terra Haute, BI, or call, toll free, 1-800-WIZARD7. } OSN accepts all credit cards and bribes, so order now! } } You owe the oracle 50 years of your life. I get to choose which 50 } years.