From oracle-request Sun Feb 21 00:10:36 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA29308; Sun, 21 Feb 1993 00:10:36 -0500 Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1993 00:10:36 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #536 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 536 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #536 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1993 00:10:36 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 536 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 531 41 votes 06dg6 2he71 8ea63 78e75 15hf3 38cb7 3bl42 cb972 1aj92 4cj60 531 2.9 mean 3.5 2.7 2.6 2.9 3.3 3.3 2.8 2.4 3.0 2.7 --- 536-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderous Oracle who art so computationally expensive, > For whose operating system a connections machine was purchased, > Who can compute the answer to any question no matter how ill phrased, > Tell me oh Oracle, > > Why can a can can can but an elephant can't? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who says a can can can can? } In fact, a can can't can can, tho it can cha cha. } Cancha dig the diff twixt can can and cha cha? } Cans can cha cha, pans can can can, pots can tango con brio. } Elephants can Twist, but only in Kansas, } where farmers can the rhubarb. } } You owe the Oracle a trip to Cannes. --- 536-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In your infinite wisdom, tell me why I cannot see the Fnords. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --- 536-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who never pays an overdue fine, please answer > my humble question: > > What's the deal with noise and librarians? Why is it a > constant "shhh!" with these folk? They make me want > to go into the stacks and scream. Can I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Many people do not realize that librarians are not human, although } many of them do look the part. Librarians are a separate and } ancient species (homunculus bibliensis), possibly descended from the } common halfling (homunculus baggensis, extinct). It is theorized } that the proto-librarian was primarily a subterranean cave-dweller. } While the modern species has adapted quite well to bright artificial } lighting (although generally unable to tolerate UV radiation of } direct sunlight), h. bibliensis is still highly sensitive to noise. } } Screaming would be highly unwise. H. bibliensis, although by nature } gentle, can turn vicious if threatened. More than one undergraduate } has been found mysteriously buried under an avalanche of bound } issues of the Federal Register. Believe me, you do not want to } antagonize these creatures in their own habitat. } } (Marlin Perkins steps from behind a screen showing film clips of } librarians at work and play) } } These marvelous, mysterious creatures may seem familiar to us all, } but there is still much we do not know about the silent librarian. } They, and all the inhabitants of the librarian's realm, are just } part of the (cue music) wonderful Wild Kingdom. } } (Cut to Mutual of Omaha logo) } } You owe The Oracle your overdue fines, paid in full. --- 536-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wise Oracle, whose knowledge of LAN's is so great that you > can decode ethernet packets simply by looking an oscilloscope. > > Our network seems to have been infested with evil network spirits, good > packets trying to get through are being caught and sacrificed by these > demonic creatures in pagan ritual offerings. > > I managed to exorcise one segment using an HP LAN analyser, and because > I had installed holy bridges between the ether segments, which restrict > the movement of these network spirits, I am able to send out this plea > for help. > > Already the tranceivers are benning to glow an evil red, and are > starting to smoke, what should I do now ?, it's only a matxer of txme > befxre xheyxbrexk txrouxh axx txxe xxerxxhexxntxxe xxtwxxk. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your network has been invaded by the evil demon Reflection } Coefficient. The exorcisim ritual for this particular demon } is quite complex - in fact, I am probably the only one who } knows it. I would be happy to do it for you but, unfortunately, } it requires an assistant. The only one who could be my assistant } is Lisa and I... well, I sort of taught her how to do a Mobius } Strip last night and she won't recover for quite a while. Sorry. --- 536-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help, O savior of prosimians! > > I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account. Now, every > time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink". Except > when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked". > What do I do? > > (I'm writing to you on a friend's account.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The party of medical students grew excited as they followed Doctor } Hartmann down the final sterilised, white-walled corridor that led } to the high security wing of Indiana State Mental Asylum. "This is } gonna be the chance of a lifetime!" said Julia Kovic, psychiatry } student prodigy and part-time model. "You bet!" said her friend } David, "The most bizarre case of paranoid delusion and psychotic } insanity in medical history, enough to write volumes on, and we're } about to see it!" Doctor Hartmann tapped in the security code } and the steel doors hummed open. "I must caution you now, be very } careful how you speak to this man. If you wish to ask him a } question, make sure it's very inoffensive. If provoked he is } likely to enter a fit of rage which, believe me, you won't have } seen the like of before." The group walked in uninterested fashion } past the cells of Gruesome Gripper Graham, strangler of over one } hundred young virgins, and Marcus MacCallum, who ate his bank } manager's brain infront of a whole queue of account holders (some } of whom wanted to thank him afterwards). } "Here we are" said Dr Hartmann. "Patient Bob, as we call him. } We never managed to get his real name out of him." } "He was admitted in 1993, wan't he?" asked Julia } "That's right. After going on a killing rampage through several } zoos and national parks all over America. It took the FBI weeks } to track him down, and he somehow managed to wipe out half the } lemur and woodchuck population of America. He also incinerated a } large number of police officers with his bizarre home made gun } before he was finally caught." The group peered in awe through } the wide toughened glass window of the cell. A figure was sitting } with his back to them, both arms tied behind him in a restraint } jacket. } "How are you, Bob ?" said Dr Hartmann. The figure snapped his head } around to reveal sharp, crazed eyes and a handsome face contorted } into a furious expression. "Shut thy mouth, O worm. I am called } the Oracle, THE USENET ORACLE, damn it!" "I'm sorry, Bob, but } there is no such person in the birth records." said the Doctor. } "That" said the Oracle "is because I was born when the genes of } your ancestors were still floating around in primordial SOUP!!". } Dr Hartmann turned back to his students. "It's OK, we've caught } him in a pretty good mood. Who wants to ask him a question ?" } Julia raised her hand first. "What makes you hate woodchucks and } lemurs, Oracle ?" The Oracle's eyes flared. He boomed : "They are } the servants of Satan, malicious imps placed here by the Dark One } to destroy the work of the Oracle." } "Why do you think Satan is victimising you ?" quizzed Julia. } "Because God gave Me the cushy job, while Satan has to spend } eternity in a sulphurous pit listening to politicians screaming in } torment and begging for another chance." } "But woodchucks and lemurs are harmless, friendly little creatures!" } The Oracle smiled grimly. "My child, do not meddle in the affairs } of the Omniscient and Omnipotent, for you would make a fine kebab } and wash down well with a Diet Coke." } Julia would not give up with her rational probing. } "If you are omnipotent, how come you don't just break out of here?" } "Break out ?! I came here DELIBERATELY!!! This place is a HOLIDAY } compared to the questions I was starting to get from alt.fan.lemurs } and the Cult of Woodchuck." } Julia smiled. She was beginning to *like* the Oracle in a strange } sort of way, although she still thought he was insane. } One of the students behind her was whispering to a colleague. } "How much would you think it costs to run this place ?" } "What ?" asked the other, who was hard of hearing. } "I SAID HOW MUCH WOULD -" } At that moment Julia saw the Oracle's worse side. Only for a } split second, that is, before the she and the whole Asylum were } obliterated and sent flying in small chunks over a thirty mile } radius. The Oracle's blissful holiday was over; he emerged from } the ruins of the Asylum and trudged off in the direction of } Indiana University. --- 536-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has seen your question, even though the file was blank. } } Yes, she is pregnant. Yes, you are the father. } } The Oracle suggests Northwest Airlines, they have reasonable rates } and service to many cities. } } You owe the Oracle and EPT test and 20,000 frequent flier miles. --- 536-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Huh? } } > A, U! } } Oh. Hi there, supplicant. } } > I C U R O K. } } Yes, yes. Enough grovelling. You still owe me a dozen } jelly donuts from your last question. } } > I 8 M 4 U. } } No no no. _I_ wanted to eat them! You still owe me a } dozen jelly donuts. Now what's your question. } } > Y? } } Oh for crying out loud! Doesn't anyone read the FAQ? } All right, here it is again, for about the umpteen- } millionth time: } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } You question was: } } > Y? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Y not? } } > O. } } You owe the Oracle a can of alpabet soup (and _don't_ } eat it yourself!) --- 536-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle, who is taller than even a > *very* tall person, and upon whose fair > countenance I am unworthy to gaze, please > bestow a pearl of Your Wisdom on me, > undeserving though I am. > > What exactly is a BTU tax, and does it > mean that my thermal underwear will > have to go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One BTU is equal to 252 calories. So a BTU tax is obviously a tax on } food. The way it will work is this: let's say the government charges } a 6% BTU tax. You go to the grocery store to stock up on your favorite } supplies. You go to the check-out line which now has three people } working it, the cashier, the tax-collector, and the bagger. The } cashier runs a bottle of pickles to the tax collector. The tax } collector marks off 6% of the bottle with a white grease pencil, sits } the bottle on its side, then chops off his share of the item with a } very large axe, spraying glass and vinegar across the store. He sweeps } his share into his collection bin, and passes the driping remains of } your bottle to the bagger, whose hands and fingers are completely } bandaged. The cashier passes some light bulbs to the tax collector, } who prepares to chop off his share. Wait! you say, there's no calories } in light bulbs! Do you have a baby? the collector asks. Well, yes, } you say, but I don't see-- Then it'll put em in its mouth, the } collector replies, and meticulously shears the tops off the bulbs. In } the next isle, the cashier shouts out, Cool Whip, contents under } pressure! Everyone drops to the floor just before there is an } explosion and sweet white goop covers the customers. And so forth. } } Just feel lucky. You should see how a country near you has implemented } the head tax! --- 536-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Magnificent and all-knowing Oracle, I grovel before you and comb the > pile of your shag carpet with my unworthy teeth! I'm discouraged, > Great Oracle. I'm distressed by the state of the world, and fearful of > growing old -- but most of all, I'm REALLY afraid my disk controller is > going out. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Much as you might not want to believe it, your sweet and innocent disk } controller is at that "going out" age. At first, she'll probably go } out with some SCSI old disk who'll take her out to a drive-in, where he } won't be able to keep his sectors off her. But after your disk } controller realizes what a loser he is, she'll start choosing her dates } more carefully. Eventually, she'll go out with some nice, clean-cut } optical disk drive, who might not look like much on the outside, but } has a lot of good inside. They'll soon get married and start producing } minidisks, whom you can watch grow...2"...3 1/2"... 5 } 1/4"...8"...almost right before your eyes. One day, they too, will } reach that "going out" age. } } That's when you start feeling old. } } You owe the Oracle a photo album. --- 536-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > y And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } y~