From oracle-request Tue Mar 30 14:18:54 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA25029; Tue, 30 Mar 1993 14:18:54 -0500 Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1993 14:18:54 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #551 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 551 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #551 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1993 14:18:54 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 551 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 546 44 votes 47be8 8nc01 18kb4 0bh79 09ei3 cl920 6hd62 49ed4 bhe20 08ob1 546 2.8 mean 3.3 2.2 3.2 3.3 3.3 2.0 2.6 3.1 2.2 3.1 --- 551-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have been working long and hard on a GIS (Geographic Info. Sys) > program. Its finially done. However, it seems that the area of > the world that I was using for test data ACTUALLY CHANGED according > to modifications that I made with my program. It appears that my > GIS program can actually manipulate the real world that I am > modeling. I just deleted a slew of the Pacific Islands by accident. > I've also managed to build a rather nice beach front for my house. > > Would you perhaps, like me to make Indiana into a nice mountain > so that you, the Great Oracle, may sit on top? This IS ethical > isn't it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle has no need for such humble gifts but thank you for the } offer. } } you owe the oracle a "throne" --- 551-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who has never forgotten a single word of any spell. I have > just become a member of the Seventh Circle of Wizards, and I have > learned the Seventh Mystery of Raj-lia. The problem is that the Eighth > circle is a bunch of elitist bastards, and they won't let me take the > entrance exam until I learn the Improved Mystic Phantom spell. This > spell is just too damn hard. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNKNOWN } } "JOANIE! Where the hell is My robe?!" } Joanie, the Oracle's faithful secretary, cringed. She then } silently asked God why her Boss had had to join that damn circle of } wizards. As if her life wasn't complicated enough, what with making } sure the Oracle was always well supplied with gourmet jellybeans (sans } the jalapeno and popcorn-flavored ones), that Rush Limbaugh's letters } never reached Him, and that the screen of His Nintendo machine was } always wiped clean...now there was this. } She counted to ten, slowly, first in English, then in Russian, } then in Klingon. } "JOANIE!" } She got up, steeled herself, and walked slowly into His office. } "You hollered, Boss?" } The Oracle looked up from where He was rummaging through the } closet. Joanie looked around at the Mess and promised herself a good } theraputic tension-release screaming session that night. The Oracle } straightened up, stretched a kink out of His back, and dove for the } bookcase. } "Boss?" } "Maybe it's in here," she heard Him mumble as He tossed books } hither and yon. A copy of "The Bible According to God" landed next to } "Dave Letterman's Top Ten Lists" and was followed by "Deep Thoughts" by } Jack Handey. "I know the cleaners sent it back, they--they DID send it } back, didn't they? } "I don't know. You sent it with one of the lackeys, didn't You? } Which one took it to the cleaners'?" } "I think--I think it was Howie. The guy we send to get the donuts } and jellybeans?" } "I'll call the cleaners and ask. Say, Boss?" } "Yeah?" } "What is this circle thing You joined, anyway?" } "I can't tell you that. Very hush-hush. Why hasn't housekeeping } cleaned out My bookcase lately? You wouldn't beLIEVE how many stale } jellybeans there are back here--" } "Well, why do You need the robe today? You usually don't." } The Oracle pulled Himself out of the bookcase. "Well, I didn't } really join for Myself. One of My supplicants did, and I renewed My } membership so I could be his sponsor. He's trying to get into the } Eighth Circle, but they're a bunch of elitist bastards. They change } their spell every week, and only tell the other wizards in the Circle, } so that no one has a snowball's chance in hell of learning it. But I } just happen to be in the Eighth Circle, so I always know the spell of } the week. They call it the Improved Mystic Phantom Spell, but the truth } is it's just a sentence they pick out of a book and recite backwards } with French pronounciation. So I need to go this week, learn the } sentence, and send it off to My supplicant so that he can enter the } Circle this week." } "But Boss, wouldn't You already know that? You are all-knowing of } the past, present and future." } "Sure, I know everything, but those elitist bastards don't. So } I'm sending the sentence today and going tonight so they don't suspect } I used My knowledge. They'll just figure he bribed Me." } "So what's the sentence, out of curiosity?" } "Lemme see....It's from Douglas Adams..."'Anything that happens, } happens. Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, } causes something else to happen. Anything that, in happening, causes } itself to happen again, happens again. It doesn't necessarily do it in } chronological order, though.'" } "Wow." } "Yeah. Now could you be a buddy, Joanie, and find out what the } hell happened to My wizard's robe?" } --K.A.A. } } --There you have it, dear supplicant. Take the passage, write it out } backwards, and pronounce like a Frenchman, and you are guaranteed } entrance into the circle of elitist bastards. } } You owe the Oracle another wand of lignum vitae--I lost Mine. --- 551-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how do i subscribe to newsgroups And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My Dear Friend: } } Subscribing to newsgroups is a very difficult process. } Each year, only 700 new people are allowed to participate } in USENET. } } Here are the basic steps: } } -obtain an account on a UNIX machine } -see if that machine receives USENET news } -see if there's a newsreader program (example: rn, trn) } -invoke the newsreader program by typing its name } and pressing the large key labelled "Return" } } Now you're reading news. To POST news you have to } } -learn how to use the vi text editor. } -have something to say. } } You may only post news items that are: inflammatory, } incorrect, or useless. For example: } } (inflammatory) It is OK to post to rec.arts.tv.startrek } and say "I think _Lost In Space_ was __MUCH__ better than Star } Trek." } } (incorrect) Feel free to post to comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware } and explain how you can double the speed of the machine } by doubling the line voltage. } } (useless) It's not OK to post a new graphics algorithm to } comp.graphics.research. (An acceptable posting would } be "How do I view the .gif files I see in alt.sex.seniors") } } One very Important Rule } - Never say anything bad about Amiga computers. } You'll be sorry. } } To apply for news posting access, type Pnews. If you're } one of the lucky 700, Pnews will let you post an article. } If not, all of your files will be erased. } } The Oracle will see to it that you will be granted permission. } s --- 551-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who could whip the Borg with a single thought, please answer > my question: > > Where in the hell is Carmen SanDiego? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle, in his infinite wisdom, realizes that you have mistyped } your question. What you meant to say was: "Where in Hell is Carmen } SanDiego," which, coincidentally, happens to be the name of the } newest game in the Carmen heirarchy. This romp through the netherhells } is the result of Carmen and her gang stealing the halos off angels, } the pearls from the gates, and the throne right out from under God. } In his wisdom, he has appointed you, a fallen angel, to go catch } Carmen. } You will travel through the inferno, crossing rivers of blood and } putrefication, inhaling strange vapors, meeting damned souls, and } so on until you catch the wench. } Unfortunatly, the Oracle cannot tell you where she is, you must } figure that one yourself. Hint: Ask Dante, he knows his way around. } } You owe the oracle a copy of the Deluxe Edition. --- 551-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > % whois GOD And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unknown command "whois" } } c:\> --- 551-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and Mighty Oracle, > > Why do girls shop so much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh come now. You don't expect to lure me in with *THAT* one, do you, } Gloria? } } We all know that ever since Lisa upstaged you at the Playboy Club and } got you fired for not being pretty enough, you've been trying to get } revenge. First you claimed you weren't fired but that you quit to fight } the forces of sexism. Then it was writing books. Then came the } talk-show circuit and the university lectures, and now THIS! } } THIS! To think you've sunk this low, my dear Ms. Steinem, as to ask } such a loaded question, just so you can point to all your friends and } say what a horrible EvilPatriarchalRepublicanChauvinistPig the Oracle } is. } } Well, sweetie, you won't catch me that easily. I've been reading the } Official Politikally Korrect Dicktionary. And with the exception of } the little typo in the preceding line (whups, we can't use THOSE four } letters together anymore!), I'm completely reformed. } } Note my usage of officially-sanctioned PolCor/DoubleThink(R) } PolitkallyEmpoweringTerms(TM) in my reply. } } To wit: } } The reason the average gyrl shops so much because her boyfriends is } never around. He's too busy boffing the hot chyck he picked up at the } bar last night. } } You owe the Oracle an old dyctionary or a new spelling checker. } } And get me a beer from the fridge, willya? --- 551-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I unstable? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nitrogen Tri-Iodide, NI3.NH3, is unstable. Ammonium chlorate is } unstable. Barium Chlorate is unstable. } } Nowhere in the Merck index is supplicant listed as unstable, so I guess } that means you're OK. Relax. } } You owe the Oracle a $500.00 gift certificate from the Pyrotechnic's } Store. --- 551-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are hiccups? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hiccups are creatures } Who live in your spleen } They number in thousands, } But can barely be seen } They're small and they're harmless, } But can be quite mean. } They feed off of swallowed } Wads of Dentyne (tm). } } It's dry in the spleen, } And that's how they prefer it. } So when you drink too fast, } They try and deter it. } They call out the Navy, } Air Force and Marines } And wage an attack } On your stomach, in teams. } } They shoot little arrows, } And tiny harpoons. } Your stomach feels this, } and so it balloons: } It draws in some air, } With embarrassing sounds, } And keeps it all there, } 'Till it's big enough 'round. } } And then, with a belch } That could blow up a bus, } It expels all the hiccups } Through the esophagus } In the case that some of them } Might have got left in } It forces them out } Through the lower intestine. } } So the next time you're drinking } A big glass of water, } Be good to the hiccups, } And do what you ought-er. } Don't drink it too fast, } Or they'll get mad and frown } And you'll make that embarrassing } Hiccuping sound. } } You owe the Oracle the head of Dr. Seuss on a silver platter, and the } head of Dr. Science on a 12" vinyl album of Ethel Merman disco tunes. } Now scram, kid, you bother me. --- 551-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who knowest all that there is to know tell me what is the > connection between a womans genitals and her brain that would cause her > to repeat "I have a headache" whenever she is asked to copulate with > her chosen mate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's not the connection between her genitals and her brain that does } it...it's the connection between *his* genitals and her brain. } } Women, contrary to popular belief, are intelligent. They long ago } made the connection between copulation with men and sleeping in the } wet spot, pregnancy, body odor in the sheets, being unsatisfied } while partner naps, and finding the damn seat left up during the } post-coital wee-wee. } } Ergo, the mere thought of sex gives women a headache. So she's not } lying to you...she really does have a headache. } } You owe the Oracle some Rice Chex. (You can put the gun down now, } Lisa.....) --- 551-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In April 1992, Los Angeles exploded in rioting and rampant acts of > violence. One unforgettable scene on TV involved a black store owner. > With the boldness of a prophet, he shouted at the looters, "What you > are doing just isn't right! It isn't right!" > > His words stirred the consciences of young and old alike. But who says > it isn't right? That angry man and those who agree with him? We > can't establish what's right by majority vote. Are there moral > absolutes, perhaps rooted in a divine being who is holy and just? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are plenty of divine beings, and most of them are holy and } just plain crazy. (Although I grant that Thor has a point about } 'light' beers being the work of Satan.) I mean, looking to these } beings for moral guidance is like looking to a fraternity for } serenity and decorum. Some examples: } } ODIN, Norse god of battles and generally the Chief of the Aesir } (when he was sober), once plucked out his eye that he might acquire } wisdom, which obviously he needed, since if he were wise he wouldn't } have poked his damn eye out. And for this, we named Wednesday for } him. } } JHVH, God of Israelites and acknowledged creator of the world in } most of the Western hemisphere, once had his people wander in the } desert for forty years because he left the itinerary at home on the } piano. Still, he was good for a few laughs when he created the } platypus for Charles Darwin. } } FREYA, goddess of fertility to the Norse, was actually a } loose-moraled Vanir who basically slept with anything capable of } sustaining the endeavor for a minimum of eight seconds. } } BUDDHA, the God who Claims Not Godhood, once sat before a wall, and } when he arose, he was enlightened. The wall had been bored to } death. } } So, the best answer one can give is that "right is the side that the } return key is on." (By the way, he was yelling "This isn't white" } in an effort to keep the looters away.) } } You owe the Oracle the Rodney King tape, that I may distribute it in } the hopes that it never happens again.