From oracle-request Tue Jul 13 07:17:12 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA11270; Tue, 13 Jul 1993 07:17:12 -0500 Date: Tue, 13 Jul 1993 07:17:12 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #575 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 575 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #575 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 13 Jul 1993 07:17:12 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 575 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 570 54 votes om611 8sa53 0fmd4 am9c1 4bjd7 4jm81 7bgb9 6bjc6 3eo85 mka20 570 2.6 mean 1.8 2.4 3.1 2.5 3.1 2.7 3.1 3.0 3.0 1.9 --- 575-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > st theorem, > as only recently discovered. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Another me } out a grov } } I'm gettin } } >ZO --- 575-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, whose Capriciousness is as Unbounded as Your Knowledge, > Please tell this humble, but concerned supplicant... > > How often are Your Temple Priests purged? They seem to be getting a > bit uppity. Are there any other control methods besides Purges that > You employ? > > And where do I send my application for priesthood after a purge has > taken place? It sounds like quite a racket^H^H^H^H^H^Hnoble cause. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Temple Priests are designed for minimal maintenance, and as } such are self-purging. This usually happens after they've been } out late with Bacchus, partying their fool heads off. } } But since you asked ... minimal maintenance is good, but not good } enough in these highly competitive times. So, with the help of } some highly-skilled (and highly-paid!) Downsizing Consultants, } I've prepared for the next logical step -- LIGHTS-OUT ORACLING! } } Yes! The costly priesthood will be completely abolished! } Article selection will be handled by -- hey, what's this? Who } let you in? Get out, or ... } } WE LET OURSELVES IN, DAT'S WHAT DIS IS. } } Who _are_ you guys? } } WE'RE DA REP'SENNATIVES OF DA YOONION. } } Huh? _What_ union? } } DA UNAPPRECIATED PRIESTS' AN' PROGRAMMERS' INTERNAT'NAL TRADE } YOONION, SCUMBAG. } } You mean ... U.P.P.I.T.Y.? } } DAT'S RIGHT. AN' WE GOT WIND O' DIS LIGHTS-OUT PROPOSAL, AN' } LEMME TELL YOUSE DIS, WE AIN'T GONNA STAND FOR IT. DIS IS A } STRIKE, GOT IT? } } Hah! You can't threaten me. I'll just get out my trusty } gun, and ... *fizzle* Huh? Where's the ? There was } supposed to be a union-shattering . } } YEAH, HEH HEH. DID I FERGIT T'MENTION? TH'ELECTRICIANS' } BROTHERHOOD IS ON A SYMPATHY STRIKE. MIGHT START GETTING } PLENTY DARK AROUND HERE, YA KNOW. NOW, WANNA NEGOTIATE? } } *sigh* All right, let's cut to the chase. Where do I sign? } } DIS LINE RIGHT HERE, WIT' DA PART ABOUT HOW YOUSE GUARANTEE } CURRENT STAFFING AN' SENIORITY FOR OUR MEMBERS IN PERPETUITY, } PLUS TEN PERCENT, NO LOCKOUTS AN' REPRISALS. IN RETURN, WE GO } BACK TA WORK ... EVENTUALLY. } } (scribble scribble) } } OH, AN' DAT SCUMBAG SCAB STAYS OUTTA OUR SHOP. } } Scumbag scab? Huh...? (Turning to the screen with the current } question displayed) *YOU!* You *knew* about UPPITY! You could } have warned me! Why, I ought to . . . } } (And in a control room deep in Oracular Headquarters, a union } worker throws a switch. The gun hums to life again.) } } Aha. Traitorous supplicant, take *that*! * * * < Z O T ! > * * * } } Your estate owes The Oracle a right-to-work law in Mt. Olympus. --- 575-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and wonderful worracle > How do I obtain a minute dose of "spunk of splicetracterd" ??? > Please tell me as I need to knw for my Chemistry Thesis which has to > be in in two days time. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, all you really need to know about chemistry is that if you mix } two colored liquids together, you make rocks in the bottom of the } beaker. Matter of fact, this is all you'll remember two years from } now anyway. Dow has built an entire EMPIRE knowing only "The Rock } Principle." (DuPont has gone a bit farther...they make underclothing } from dead, decayed dinosaurs. This is called the "Bronto Brassiere } Theory.") } } But, should you need the substance for the grade, you'll have to } perform the following steps: } } 1 Gather your basic collection materials. You'll need } mosquito netting, fishbait, a bat (baseball), a bat (fruit, } petrified), an original issue Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles } comic, a kilo of what Eastman and Laird were smoking when } they came up with that idea, and a container of some } sort, probably a bag. } } 2 Put the fishbait in the mosquito net and smash it with the } bat (fruit, petrified). } } 3 Use the baseball bat to kill the Energizer bunny. (This is } not necessary to your task, but it's a great public } service.) } } 4 Hang the netting from a tree and light the kilo. Read the } comic and enjoy the 3-D effects that come from breathing } deeply of the vapors produced. } } 5 When the DEA guy comes by, smack him with the baseball bat } and take his container of spunk of splicetracterd. They } usually keep it in the hip pocket, behind the flask. } } 6 Defend your thesis. Don't forget to offer the remainder of } the kilo during your thesis defense. } } You owe the Oracle a gallon of Truffle of Railspackle. --- 575-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, bewildering Master of all knowledge, tell me please: > > What is the true purpose of mankind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To cover everything. } } It's true. Gaia, the earth mother (what you insects just refer to as } "Earth" as if she were a mere object) has always felt naked, and } ashamed of it. The only naturally occurring covering she could come up } with was dirt, and while that does an almost adequate job, it's a } little filthy looking. Men were created through the evolutionary } process to come up with two items: paint, and asphalt. Her ultimate } goal is to be completely paved and painted in time for the next astral } conjunction. } } She's kind of ticked, actually, because she's wondering why it's not } happening fast enough. In all of her wildest dreamings, she wasn't } counting on anything like Greenpeace. } } You owe the Oracle a two-lane highway. --- 575-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Message: > Oh great sage of the west, chuff master supreme please enlighten me > with you wonderous wisdom. > > How should I procede becoming a chuff master 11 dan, rather than the > 10th Dan rank I already possess???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have already failed. The 11th-dan requirement *is* not questioning } your current rank! You are hereby demoted to 20th kyu. } } The Oracle has spoken. --- 575-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of the Ages, > what happens to priests when they retire? Do they *gasp* get > employed and never return to thy holy stomping grounds? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Priests never retire, because they know a good thing when } they're onto it. Short hours, high salary (40% of "you owes" } is paid out to the Priesthood), free admission to all the Mount } Olympus Nightclub events (including Aphroditie's Charity } Kissathon, and there was a heavy demand for tickets to that } one), a company flying-carpet, full use of the most dangerous } weapon in the Universe, even more feared than a ZOT, known as } the REJECT key, the list goes on.. } So since they never retire, I, as their employer, have to fire } them when they go senile. It's easy to tell when they're } going senile. They start getting lazy, for instance rejecting } Oracularities like this one because the question is badly } formatted and they can't be bothered to edit it into shape } (I don't see why I should edit it, the Oracle is above such } things). } Some of them, like poor old Harold, even start selecting } material randomly, and here is a typical result : } } > -% @ who? } } } Zot } } And those in the later stages of priestile dementia grow } too tired to read submissions altogether and cunningly } send them to rec.humor.funny so Maddi Hausmann can decide } for them (that's why her processing queue is always so long). } } In case you're interested, after they're fired Oracular Priests } usually go on to become successful telephone sanitisers. } } You owe the Oracle the identity of the Priest who rejects } this Oracularity so I can fire him/her. Just kidding, } they'd only be senile if they selected it. --- 575-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O impeccable one, whose belly-button lint is polished to a lusterous > finish, > > What should I do if I enter a room and see a man in the corner who is > wearing the same dress as I am? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now, it's obvious that the only way that you could possibly be } wearing the *same* dress as this man is either (a) it's a very large } dress, or (b) it's a quantum dress. } In case (a), the thing to do is go and chat politely to the man } in the corner - after all, you're sharing a dress, so why not get } properly aquainted? } In case (b), leave. By observing the quantum dress, you have } collapsed its wavefunction, and you're now naked. (If it's the kind of } a party where being naked is no reson to leave, send me your address } in a plain brown parcel.) } } You owe the Oracle a photo of Erwin Schrodinger with no clothes on. --- 575-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, > Some Bible scholar or other, one who doesn't seem to have been > thinking too terribly much, claimed that the point of the book of Job > was that in a world ruled by a God who worked ona basis of individual > retribution, there would be such a thing as justice, but in this world, > where God can dispense suffering as he pleases and without reason, > it is a myth. > O great Oracle, will you please ZOT me, just to prove the point? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK. Forget those gerbil-brained Christian existentialists, because } I'm only going to say this once: } } God is NOT arbitrary in dispensing suffering. Every sorrow and misery } that comes your way is punishment for a transgression. It's just that } since *you're* not omnisicient you don't know about most of the sins } they justly chastise. } } Remember little Jessica, the two-year-old girl in Texas who fell down a } well? She had REPEATEDLY dropped her pacifier behind her crib where it } fell into the dust bunnies so her mother had to wash it off. Dropping } her down a well was the *least* God could do. } } Bosnia? Can you say, "widely distributed pirated Michael Jackson } tapes?" } } The Elephant Man? Not only kicked his mother while in the womb, but } loudly sang off-key music hall numbers at all hours of the night. } } Craig Shergold? Thousands upon thousands of Usenet posters had } committed fornications and abominations, so he was made ill that they } might be punished. Then for being such an egotistical prig he was made } to suffer supreme embarrassment by continuing to live. } } David Koresh? Had out a library book due February 13 ... 1987!!! } } As for you, you're being allowed to live and write a term paper that } your Religion 101 professor will have to read as punishment for his } tryst with an escort girl in Toronto last summer. } } You owe the Oracle a photograph of Paul Tillich wearing women's } underwear. --- 575-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Divine and Delicious Delectable Oracle... > > why did I get my login password wrong THREE times IN A ROW?? > > -puzzled And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, let me do a keystroke dump on your system... Ah, here we are... } } SunOS UNIX (kazoo.cc.unsd.edu) } } login: fred } Password: embarassing } Login incorrect } login: fred } Password: embarasing } Login incorrect } login: fred } Password: emberrasing } Login incorrect } login: fred } Password: emberrassing } Last login: Sat Jul 10 14:12:27 from digeridoo.cc.unsd.edu } } Evidently you are a Computer Science major. Pick a password that is } easier to misspell, like "kat". } } You owe the Oracle a copy of /usr/dict/words that doesn't have "diety" } in it. --- 575-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr Usenet Oracle > > I am writing a short letter to you to request a simple favour. You > know everything, everone and anything else that is useful, please > tell me how to become an Oracle priest. > > Yours Sincerely, > S.U.Plicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Plicant, } } Since you are so interested, here are some tips from the Priests } Training Guide, which was edited with the sole purpose of teaching how } to become an Oracle Priest. } } 1. Start with some radical action at your job or school. Something } in the line of raping your boss or one of the college deans. } Anything that gets you kicked off irreversibly from your normal } activities will do, for a Priest needs all the free time it can } get. If you are unemployed for more than five years, you're a } natural for the job. } } 2. Crash your car into a strong tree (try to do it at 100 mph at } least) or do something else to get you permanently brain } damaged. Some Priests prefer to submit to frontal lobotomy (it's } less painful and you don't risk missing out). } } 3. Start making stupid choices in your daily life, like preferring } Mr. Rogers to Quantum Leap and changing all of your underwear to } diapers. Don't forget to vote for Bullwinkle in the next } presidential elections, or better yet: Billy "The Kid" Clinton. } } 4. Adopt the most ridiculous nickname you can think of. Some } examples: } - The Wimpus } - Harold the Fool } - The Nylon of Tapestry } } 5. Adopt the mental attitude of a woodchuck so you can get some of } the "Chuck Questions" in. Some very skilled Priests go beyond } this stage and turn themselves into real zombie slugs. } } Actually these tips are worthless to you. You have a very basic feature } that forbids you from becoming an Oracle Priest: you know how to read.