From oracle-request Sun Aug 15 00:10:33 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA17634; Sun, 15 Aug 1993 00:10:33 -0500 Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1993 00:10:33 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #583 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 583 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #583 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1993 00:10:33 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 583 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 578 54 votes 25aen mj922 5eef6 amh41 13jp6 jnb01 2bki3 57ub1 7dkb3 5eic5 578 2.9 mean 3.9 1.9 3.1 2.3 3.6 1.9 3.2 2.9 2.8 3.0 --- 583-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WESTERN UNION > > TO THE USENET ORACLE > FROM THE FIDONET ORACLE > > BEWARE POSSIBLE SNEAK ATTACK BY COMPUSERVE ORACLE AND SUPPORTERS > ACCOUNT RECENT COURT DECISION STOP COMPUSERV FORCES SEEN MASSING TWO > HOURS AGO NEAR UUNET HUB STOP STRENGTH UNKNOWN STOP FIDONET AND PRESTEL > STRATEGIC RESERVES NOW ON ALERT AND WILL DEPLOY ON YOUR COMMAND STOP > > T.F. ORACLE And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle, Grand Marshal of all UseNet Forces, High } Admiral, Commander in Chief, and Head Latrine-Washer of the } Internet, crumpled the telegram in his hand. It had warned him } of nothing he did not already know. In fact, he had been } preparing for this attack for a long time. } } 'Captain Jenkins,' he called. A thin young man with a tight } brushcut turned from where he was leaning over a battle map and } saluted sharply. 'SIR!' } } 'Captain, send a communique to T.F.Oracle, informing him that his } "reserves" (he smiled contemptuously) will not be needed.' } Jenkins saluted. 'Yes, SIR!' } } The Oracle turned to the battle map, intently studying the } contours indicated. He carefully studied the area surrounding } the current encampent of the Compuserve forces, smiling at what } only he could see. } } At that moment, Jenkins arrived back in the Oracle's HQ. 'SIR,' } he said, saluting so sharply that he decapitated a fly that got } too close, 'the Fidonet forces are even now retreating to fight a } defensive war.' } } 'Damn cowards don't think we can win this war,' muttered the } Oracle. 'But never mind. Jenkins, is the secret weapon ready?' } The young soldier nodded. 'Very well. We can begin.' } ------- } } The Oracle sat behind the controls of his secret weapon. Great } care had been taken to ensure his every comfort. There was even } a wet bar available, situated just behind his left ear. The } Oracle sipped on a dry gin as he watched the Compuserve forces } close in, yelling and chanting. His finger strayed toward the } large red button marked FIRE... } } 'SIR,' said Jenkins, 'the enemy is signalling us. They demand } our immediate surrender.' } } The Oracle laughed his eerily eerie laugh. 'Tell them that we'll } surrender when Hell freezes over.' He slightly manipulated the } control stick, centering the crosshairs on his screen on the } advancing army, and pressed the red button. } } The oncoming forces saw only a brilliant red flash, then they } were overcome by a great word, written in gold on the sky... } } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT } ZZ OO OO TTT } ZZ OO OO TTT } ZZ OO OO TTT } ZZ OO OO TTT } ZZ OO OO TTT } ZZ OO OO TTT } ZZ OO OO TTT } ZZ OO OO TTT } ZZ OO OO TTT } ZZ OO OO TTT XX } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TTT XX } } 'Direct hit, sir,' said Jenkins. } } 'Thank you, Captain,' answered the Oracle. Now, he thought, he } could get back to just answering those nice boring questions. --- 583-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My disk spins around like crazy all the time; > why don't the bits get dizzy and fall off? > > --11 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Velcro. } } 10 } } You owe the Oracle a binary motion sickness bag. --- 583-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most wise and gracious Oracle dude, I beseech you. (if you don't > mind) Please honour me with your esteemed and obviously correct answer > to the question that has been plaguing the minds of great philosophers, > scientists, and oracle-wannabe's for eons, and that I have not yet > asked. Here it is: > > Why does only one banana per bunch have a pretty little sticker? > > I bow down to your greatness. Sir. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is, of course, a glowing example of the well-known Ecological Law } of Parasitism. It is a little-known fact that those irresistably cute } stickers you love so well are not man-made at all: they are in fact } living creatures, which feed on the oils contained in the banana's } tough outer skin. There are several species of these "banana sloughs", } as they are properly called; perhaps you have already encountered the } most common, _Bananasluricus chiquitus_ and _Bananasluricus dolei_. } } As you must already know, the Law of Parasitism states that the } parasite-thost ratio in a stable population must be kept low, so that } the parasite's resources are kept plentiful. If you keep your eyes } open, you can see examples of the Law everywhere: } } - The senator-to-citizen ratio. } } - The union representative-to-employee ratio. } } - The Royal Family-to-British subject ratio. } } Supplicant, be joyful! Rejoice in the fact that the Law works when it } does, for sometimes it fails miserably! Observe, for example, the } damage when some parasites get out of control: } } - The gypsy moth. } } - The AIDS virus. } } - Lawyers. } } You owe the Oracle a banana split and a can of Raid. --- 583-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Deadbeat Oracle, where is that $15 I loaned you five months ago for a > crystocell replacement in your Omniscience? You told me that when > your memory was fixed, you would know where to find the money to pay > me back. It's been nearly half a year! Pay up!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just what are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with my memory! } Speaking of memory, I've have none of you loaning me $15. In fact, I } don't even know who you are. Hell, I don't know who I am. Why are all } these people asking me questions? And what does this big red button } here do? . . . } } Hey, that was neat! } } } } } } } That was -- and just who do you think *you* are . . . hey don't put } your hand there! That's private property. Lisa? I don't know any } Lisa! What gives you the right to 8580HIHUkbvfd^&**(^8VBt } &^^%)UYBH;' } ^Zbentr } } >> SYSTEM FAILURE. PRESS ANY KEY TO REBOOT. << --- 583-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, faster than a speeding bullock, able to leap from tall > buildings in a single bound, have I mistaken you for someone else? Is > he dead? Are you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, a snide pseudo-grovel AND multiple questions. That's not one, but } two of the "Top 10 Reasons the Oracle Zots Supplicants" } } Gimme a drum-roll, Paul... } } (really good sound effects ensue; a pity they don't come over } Email very well) } } #10 : Implies even greater sexual prowess than the Oracle. } #9 : Lots of spelling mistakes in the grovel. } #8 : Terrific grovel, followed by no question ("Oraculis Interruptis") } #7 : Question that gets Lisa pissed off at Orrie. } #6 : Calling him "Orrie." Only Lisa gets to do that. } #5 : Woodchuck Questions. Or ANY similar questions, actually. } #4 : Fake grovel that trys to put down the Oracle (Who are you } trying to fool, anyway? He knows what you're thinking) } #3 : Angels unionized, demanded day off. Oh, sorry, that's one } of the "Top Ten Reasons the Universe was a Rush Job." } #2 : More than one question in a request. The Oracle hates } slimy queue jumpers. } } And the #1 reason why the Oracle Zots Supplicants... } } #1 : Until the Olympian 12-plex opens, it's the most fun on the } mountain. } } And now we introduce a new feature on the show, ZOT-CAM! } } POV changes, top of Mount Olympus receeds below us, the globe is } revealed, swiftly rotating, as we plunge back to Earth, smashing } through clouds, towards a building, through the roof, a glimpse } of an upturned, surprised, badly complected face, a flash of } flame, the beginning of a horrible scream... and then static as } the camera melts. } } Your family owes the Oracle all the residuals from the Movie of } the Week that will be made about your untimely and strange demise. --- 583-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many white ones make a big one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it *depends*, now doesn't it? Follow... } } Data Element 1: } At the height of a pitched battle against the nether-god Zool, } Igon Spengler admits to Peter Venckman, "It's the Sta-Puft } Marshmallow Man." For the sake of realism, Director Ivan Reitman } mandates that Sta-Puft be constructed of real marshmallows. } Number of white ones required: 964,323. } } Data Element 2: } Attempting to gain entry to the Guinness Book, an obscure chef } by the name of Jean-Claude Hot-Damm whips up an omelette in the } hold of the decommissioned Queen Elizabeth II. Tens of thousands } of hens are trucked in to lay eggs on-site. } Number of white ones required: 17,653. Plus a *lot* of bacon. } } Data Element 3: } Cristo, the madcap artiste, tops all previous attempts at } macro-art by transforming the Taj Mahal into a humungous } sundae. Ben & Jerry's is chosen to supply 'as many } pints of Vanilla-Woodchuck Surprise as may be needed.' } Number of white ones required: 654,654. } } Data Element 4: } The Oracle requires a *big* load of first-rate fertilizer for } his garden, and decides there must be a cheaper way to get } it than shelling out big bucks to Thor's Lawn & Garden Supply. } Confronting the slavering hordes of eager supplicants, the Oracle } tells a little white lie: "From now on, all questions to Me will } go through Maddi Hausman, moderator of rec.humor.funny. And if } you think _I_ am bad, wait until you see what happens to those who } submit questions with spelling errors or without a first-rate } grovel!" The supplicants respond quickly and generously, and } Orrie's tomatoes and pumpkins win first prize at the Kinzler } County Fair that year. } Number of white ones required: 1. } } You see, supplicant? It all depends. Now, what "white ones" did } _you_ have in mind, hmmm? } } You owe the Oracle a large, sharpened stick, a very large frying pan, } and a huge cherry. And *don't* forget the bacon. } } Oh, but here -- take some zucchini home with you. I insist! Best } crop I've had in years. No, really! DO it! Hey, come BACK here -- --- 583-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, for whom every dirt path is a turnpike, > but who never needs to pay a toll, > > If two Scotsmen were in Tahiti, and one took the high road, the > other low, one would arrive first, wearing under his kilt whatever. > > So far, I understand. What baffles me is, > Why would they want to go? > > ++13 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Ballad of the Two Scotsmen in Tahiti } } Aye we are two bonny Scotsmen and we're living in Tahiti } Where the women are so friendly in their topless string bikinis } And the food is so delightful, we could eat it every day } But they do not serve us haggis, so I guess we cannot stay. } } Aye we truly love Tahiti where the scenery is so grand } With its miles and miles of beaches and its tons and tons of sand } But its just another reason why our hearts for Scotland yearns } Cause the sand gets up our kilts and then it itches and it burns! } } Well I'll take the high road and skyward turn my eyes } And board yon bonny airplane and I'll fly the friendly skies } I'll buckle up my seat belt and I'll be upon my way } I just hope we don't get blown up >>BOOM<< (by the IRA) } } Well I'll take the low road and in Scotland soon I'll be } I'll just walk along the bottom of the great and salty sea } It's a gurgle glub and blubblub bubble gugle .. glub .. blurp. } } So you see, supplicant, neither one would arrive first. } You owe the Oracle a fifth of Scotch. --- 583-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, dearest Mr. Oracle (Greetings to Lisa to). > > Here's my problem: > > ---------------------- > | /| > | / | > | / | > | / | > | / | > | / | > | / | > | / | > | / | > | c / | b > | / | > | / | > | / | > | / | > | / | > | / | > | / | > | / | > | / | > | / | > ----------------------- > a > > I claim that a+b is actually equal to c. You see, if we take infinitely > small sides on directions of a and b and repeat them one after another > then we will move exactly along c. Still the sum of horizontal lines is > equal to a and the sum of vertical lines is equal to b. > > So, if you walk around a square field the distance is exactly the same > as going diagonally across the field. (Pythagoras wouldn't like the > idea, I guess) > > Magnification of the infinitely small sides is illustrated in the fig. > below: > -- > | > -- > | > -- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're right that Pythagoras wouldn't like the idea, and if I were you, } I wouldn't mention it to him, bearing in mind his past history of } dealing with people who disagreed with him.... } } To illustrate this, I will recount a story of the renowned } mathematician and philosopher... } } The Pythagorean school of mathematicians were really quite keen on } numbers, and spent (or wasted, depending on your point of view) a great } deal of time investigating the mystical and magical properties that } they embodied; the well-known pentagram symbol was one of their } favourite designs. } } They were especially keen on the idea that any number could be } expressed as a fraction of two whole numbers; that every number was } 'rational', so to speak. One day, one of the school came up to } Pythagoras, and showed him a nice formal analytical proof that the } square-root of two was irrational. Pythagoras and the rest of his } followers were a bit shocked at this, it undermining one of the central } tenets of their world-view. Pythagoras, in response to this, said } 'Congratulations, that's very interesting. I'll have to think about } that one. Why don't you take the rest of the day off and go fishing or } something?' } } It was during the aforementioned fishing trip that two of Pythagoras' } inner circle of followers crept up behind the poor, unsuspecting } fisherman and threw him overboard, on Pythagoras' orders. } } So, I'd keep that one about a+b being equal to c quiet if I were you. } } If it's really bothering you, and you don't mind risking your life, I'd } suggest asking your friendly neighbourhood analysis lecturer, and not } going on any ferry journeys, fishing trips, or (for example) visits to } any tall buildings.... } } Hope this helps.... } } You owe the oracle a formal, analytical, water-tight proof of the } Riemann Hypothesis. --- 583-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If it were true, what she said, > And not just games with my head, > Would it be, in truth, in fact, > That she loved him, he without tact? > > So short a time, for their ``love,'' > And now she cries for vengeance above. > A year ago, she broke my heart; > Now the two of them are apart. > > And that alone celebration would cause, > But there's more, he's put out his paws > And now he and her sister do together > Sleep; so much pain causes this her. > > And, Oracle, who answers in prose > It is wrong, spiteful, of me, I suppose, > To think, with a small amount of glee, > That she is due some of what she caused me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, Supplicant, the query you chose, } Twas framed as a poem, and not in prose. } The Oracle speaks as she desires, } responding in kind to all inquirers. } } The story you send is worthy of Willy, } some parts tragic, the rest quite silly, } Since he left she, as she left thee, } now there's a natural feeling of glee! } } The Oracle says: Go ahead, enjoy, } if it sooths your bruised ego, m'boy } For you'll soon be back within the fray, } and love and lose another day. } } You owe the Oracle a functional relationship. --- 583-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, who has plumbed the depths of deepness, > > I want to go down in Oracular history, I want to be remembered. > But, I'm not so good, so my only hope is to record the lowest score > ever. > > Please have your Incarnation write a terribly boring reply to this. > > And please have your Priest select it. > > And, voters, dear voters, please vote '1' on this. > > Thank you, > > hopelessly unfunny And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary (1990) defines "Oracular" as } a synonym of "Dictatorial," which is defined as "imposing one's will or } opinion on others." Certainly, then, the best hope for you to be } inscribed in Oracular history is to DEMAND that the voters give you the } lowest recorded score of all time.