From oracle-request Sat Aug 21 00:10:32 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA03748; Sat, 21 Aug 1993 00:10:32 -0500 Date: Sat, 21 Aug 1993 00:10:32 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #586 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 586 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #586 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 21 Aug 1993 00:10:32 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 586 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 581 46 votes 4eec2 29ef6 17oa4 55eac 37nc1 49ef4 338dj bee43 bid31 7hh23 581 3.0 mean 2.9 3.3 3.2 3.4 3.0 3.1 3.9 2.4 2.2 2.5 --- 586-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wonderful and amazing Oracle, I'm kinda worried about all the hours > you're putting in. You might be headed for a nervous breaking down > from overwork, you know. Have you checked your mental health lately? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, Dr. Lecter, it's such a pleasure to hear from you again! } } How are things "cooking" down there in Brazil? It has been a long time } since I last got news from you. I sure miss our sessions on Tuesdays } and Thursdays, but I'm getting along alright without them. } } That recurring dream about being run over by a pack of giant wild } woodchucks still gives me some trouble once in a while, but Lisa is } always there to provide immediate relief (she's a great gal). Oh, and } that little Oedipus complex is completely gone, since I got it straight } that Kinzler is NOT my mother (although my feminine self sometimes } yells at me that he is such a stud...). } } Lisa and me were into Reich for sometime. It didn't do much for our } psyche, but our sexual performance got considerably boosted up. A while } ago we changed Reich's Orgonic Box for something much more powerful and } fun: . } } I could spend hours telling you about 's advantages, but since I } know you are so deeply into personal experiences, I'll let you try: } } <<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> } } You owe The Oracle a second dinner of lamb chops (extra rare) and your } face. --- 586-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Musical Master of Oracularities: > > I recently heard a song which contained the refrain: "Insane in the > membrane, insane in the brain!" To which membrane is this song > referring? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The _dura mater_, a membrane lining the inner side of the skull. (The } literal translation, by the way, is "tough mother.") } } As I am sure you are aware, membranes selectively allow certain } substances to cross, but prevent transit by all others. Many } illnesses may be traced to malfunctioning membranes-- and in } particular, insanity comes from a defective dura mater. The dura } mater's most important job is to remove poisons from the cerebrospinal } fluid. Especially optorasterkeratins: a class of enzymes secreted by } the cerebral cortex when stimulated by television. } } Under normal conditions, optorasterkeratins are shipped to the hair } follicles and broken down into keratin and amino acids. Watch out for } bald people who don't get five o'clock shadows-- they could snap at } any minute. } } Here are some forms of insanity, which optorasterkeratin is the cause, } and what TV shows lead to its production: } } AGGRAVATED OEDIPAL COMPLEX (patricidal mania): Mommymommyase. Produced } by Leave It to Beaver. } } AUTISM: Serotonindehydrogenase. Produced by Star Trek. (Don't } believe me? Watch "Rain Man", and then go to a Trekkie convention.) } } BIPOLAR DISORDER: Hotncoldase. Produced by baseball games, esp. the } San Francisco Giants. } } CATATONIA: Torporase. Produced by football games. } } DIPSOMANIA: Gimmeedabourbonase. Produced by political conventions, } election coverage, State of the Union addresses, and TV evangelists. } } HEBEPHRENIA: 2,3 gilliganase. Produced by Hee Haw and Green Acres. } } HOMICIDAL MANIA: Pararavanolase. Produced by Cops, American } Gladiators, CNN, and all sitcoms that feature smartass little } snotnosed kids. } } MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Schizotholinolase. Produced by the 6 } o'clock news, particularly local news programs that intersperse mayhem } with footage of the annual Hog Waller festival. } } NECROPHILIA: Carriorubitase. Produced by MTV, especially the "modern } rock" paleskinned whiners endemic to the 1990's. (Incidentally, } reading the complete works of Anne Rice, including the erotica, } stimulates the secretion of necromasochase-- which produces a morbid } desire to be tied up by a Romantic and whipped with a mummy.) } } NYMPHOMANIA: ase. Produced by soap operas and coverage of } the British Royal Family. (Contrary to popular belief, nymphomania } per se only afflicts middle-aged ladies with overweight, hairy, } flatulent husbands. The same level of sexual desire in men and young } women is not considered pathological, or even noteworthy.) } } PARANOIA: (classified.) Produced by documentaries, especially 12-part } Holocaust series on public TV. } } SUICIDAL MANIA: Schizovenuousase. Produced by made-for-TV movies, } especially all the Waco flicks and the saga of Baby Jessica. } } XENOPHOBIA: Kukluxklanase. Produced by foreign car commercials. } } You owe the Oracle twenty micrograms of necromasochase. Great fun at } parties, that. --- 586-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whats going on? the last answer I got was wrong! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wrong? Wrong!? I don't think so... } } You see, it all depends on your definitions. Your last questions } was...hm, let me see... Ah yes, here it is: } } > How can I get Lisa to come to my dorm room and pleasure me? } } The Oracle's response was...hm...*snicker* *hohoho* Well, let's just } say that it's a good thing it wasn't published in a public forum, know } what I mean? But I fail to see what could be "wrong" about it. I } mean, it will be necessary for you to acquire those animals, and } certainly you can't expect her to show up unless you remove those body } parts so she can play with them while they're not connected to your } scrawny little frame, and of course you can't expect her to show up at } *that* school, so you'll definitely have to transfer first. Well, I } could go on here, but you get the idea. } } The point is that what may seem "wrong" to you now is, in the Oracle's } vast wisdom, the right thing for all concerned in the long run. } } You owe the Oracle nothing - just part of our customer satisfaction } commitment. --- 586-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I increase the size of table space in the data base, and how do > I check for its size using SQL. > Thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You want an answer? Do you? Do you? Well, you're gonna have to PAY } for it! Bwa ha ha ha haaa! Pay through the nose! Or hire a } CONSULTANT, even! We've got a whole stable of 'em! Yours for a mere } hundred bucks an hour! } } And you're going to do it, too! You've already bought the product! } You boss thinks it's the greatest thing since sliced bread and he } wants you to use it for EVERYTHING! It's eating your disk space! } It's pegging your CPU! And there's nothing you can do about it! } } And just WAIT 'till you see what we have in store for you! Just WAIT } until our marketers convince your boss to buy our Office Automation } tools! We've got a product that does email and keeps track of your } appointments. You know how big the executable is? One meg? Two? } Four? No! A full EIGHT MEGABYTES! And you'll have to USE IT! Your } workstation will slow to a CRAWL! Your monitor will MELT! And you'll } be PAYING US FOR THE PRIVILEGE! } } So take your PUNY LITTLE QUESTION and CRAWL ON YOUR KNEES to our World } HQ in Redwood Shores, California! And then maybe, MAYBE, Oracle will } answer you! } } -- } Larry Ellison We have a hammer. } CEO, Oracle Corporation Your problem is a nail. --- 586-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Brilliant Oracle, I simply cannot figure this one out, so I am > turning to you. Why are automatic pencils sometimes called lead > pencils, even though they use graphite? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because they have a starring role. } } You owe the oracle a pencil bush. --- 586-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle > How do I get myself a > black belt in haiku? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Typewriter ribbon } All the ink now on paper } Look! Haiku black belt! --- 586-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Allknowing Oracle, master of the fates of billions of lives, > > My computer has a mouse which is irritating me, and I want to get rid > of it. Are there any electronic cats which can aid me in this matter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are several types of electronic cats, depending on you machine. } If (for example) you have a Mac(tm)intosh(tm) by Apple(tm) running } System(tm) 7(tm), you need Apple(tm)'s Mac(tm)Cat(tm). This is a very } useful utility, not only does it clear your desktop of any } Mac(tm)Mice(tm), it also renders your Mac(tm)intosh(tm) useful as a } purring lap warmer. } } If you run Windows 3.1, Microsoft sells WinCat 3.1, which } unfortunately has a bug, in the manner that it only removes Microsoft } Mice, and refuses to acknowledge any third party mice. } } If you happen to run Microsoft NT, there are several third party } NT-no-mouse programs, but they need a Pentium/66 and 128meg of memory } to run. Microsoft have just started to supply a modified WinCat that } runs under NT, CatNT 1.0. It apparently consists of 48 1.44 meg } diskettes, and a large hammer. } } For an Xwindows System, you can ftp xsuki.tar.z. It doesn't actually } get rid of your mouse, but is most entertaing to play with. The oracle } would suggest using the hammer supplied with CatNT for this scenario. } } For any other Mouse-removal-problems, you allways have the option of } getting a _REAL_ cat, covering your mouse in a thick layer of fish, and } putting them both in the same room together. There will be only one } winner in this contest, and the Oracle has his money on the Cat. } } You owe the oracle a new Colour Xterm, and a large slice of Edam. --- 586-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Two carrots, three turnips and a mango. > patty patty patty patty pat > zoo zoo zoo zoo zee zee zee zee > I'll say no more for $10,000. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Two lemurs, went dancing; a tango. } Frink, frink, frink, frink, Woo! } Womp-bomp-a loo-lomb, womp bam boo, } I'm writing no more for you. --- 586-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Consider my Oracular career: > Full many a long and lonely night I've spent > lying awake, all drenched with sweaty fear > of earning s for questions I have sent. > Not once in all this time did it befall > that ning bolts were thrown to take to task > this supplicative fool, in spite of all > the Null and Woodchuck queries that I ask. > I waste no ink on Grovels now, nor fear > electrocution by your ning bolts: > an insight came to me and made it clear > that ting's only feared by clueless dolts. > Here's the revelation I have got: > Woodchucks are real, the Oracle is not! > > Woodchucks are live, the Oracle's a lie! > Woodchucks are true, the Oracle is false! > Chicago, Danny Quayle, and MS-DOS > are facts whose truth nobody can deny; > a politician's promise, or a dream > of summer love, a slipper made of glass, > are only fantasy: and so, alas, > are You. Reality would really seem > less ghastly if the coin were flipped, and all > the unreal things I've listed became real, > and all the real unreal! I deeply feel > your lack, O Orrie, and existence palls -- > for who to live in such a world would choose, > where Woodchucks are the truth and Oracles a ruse? > > O Oracle, I pray that you become the truth, > and Dole and Woodchuck both become a lie, > Daily I pray, and sacrifice forsooth, > but fruitless are my pleas, my hopes denied. > Some other means than prayer is what I need, > some way to turn the tables on what is, > and so I ask: to me an Answer speed, > and "tellme" how to cause You to exist! > Alas! You cannot answer! You're not real! > But who can tell me how to make you true > if not Yourself? I'd ask the Man of Steel, > or Santa Claus, but they have problems too. > Tell me, Orrie, how to make it so, > that Oracle is "yes" and woodchucks "no"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Poor mortal, you have erred, but I, } despite that fact, shall opt to spare } you from the -- your desp'rate plight } did make me weep. (But do beware, } O supplicant, lest you forget, } that grovelling will serve you well. } If you don't grovel more, I'll let } my Lisa you straight to Hell.) } Your woodchuck question has laid bare, } for all to see who do have eyes, } the folly of your world-view's error } in all its monumental size. } Now hear! and I will speak to you } of when the world of Man was new: } } When the world was young, in the days ere the 'Net -- } E'en then I was here, though in different guise. } Since most of the people and I hadn't met, } my questions were mostly from creatures less wise: } The deer and the antelope, who mainly played, } and the lions and tigers and bears that roamed free, } the wolves that howled, and the sheep that brayed, } and the woodchuck, ah yes, the woodchuck may be } of all my petitioners the most greatly annoying -- } E'er since day one, they've all asked me the same, } and that question by now has become trite and cloying } (A few aeons more and even I'll go insane!): } The first question asked by the first woodchuck } was "How Much Wood Would A Woodchuck Chuck?" } } But now, the world of Man has grown larger, } with DOS and Chicago and Dan Quayle and more: } Clinton, Bush, Reagan, and Jimmy Carter -- } An Oracle's needed as never before. } I no longer pay heed to the questions of woodchucks, } they don't bother me much here on the 'Net. } Now you've got the Oracle, which is your good luck, } but woodchucks are part of the package you get. } So you see, mortal supplicant, there's really no need } to cause me to be, nor to make woodchucks not. } I came before them but they are and, indeed, } you must accept it, or else risk my . } The Oracle requires you to show appreciation } by writing more sonnets, in style Elizabethan. --- 586-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Wonderfully Literate Oracle, whose mind is better than any database, > How many peas are in a pod? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle, taking a break from pondering the imponderable, decides to } check the incoming mailbox. Scanning through the questions before } answering any of the he notices a disturbing trend. } } 'Hmm...how many drops of water in the ocean...how many grains of sand } in the Sahara desert, how many stars in the Milky way...what is this, a } census of the universe?' } } Answering these questions, the Oracle leans back (in a figurative } sense) to ponder the trend. A few more normal (?) questions arrive, and } he lets the Priesthood take care of them. Then yet another how many } question arrives. } } 'How many peas in a pod? What is it with these how many questions?' } } The Oracle decides it is time to get down to the bottom of this trend } and scans the email addresses of the offending questions. } } 'These are all from the same person!' } The Oracle turns on the Omnivision.... } } [cut to the Supplicant's computer lab] } } The supplicant and some friends sit around a terminal, giggling. One of } them says 'Oh! Oh! I have one: How many leaves on a tree?' Uproarious } laughter ensues.... } } [back to the Oracle's room] } } The Oracle's finger reaches for a small red button, but pauses as an } even better idea strikes... } } 'First, a quick reply:' } } The answer to your question is, of course, 42. Some of } the peas, however, are meta-peas, and therefore do not } exist in our physical universe. } } 'Now, let's see....' says the Oracle, furiously typing. } } [At the supplicant's and supplicant's friends homes, the doorbell } rings] } } 'Yes?' } } 'Package for you...sign here..' } } [Each signs, takes the rather large package, closes the door, and opens } the package...] } } There are 2 booklets: one is about the size of the New York City phone } book, and the other appears to be about 50 pages long. The first reads } 'Instructions for form A893/42', and the second 'Form A893/42: New } Complete Census and Family History'. There is also a letter reading: } } Attention! YOU have been selected by the Federal Government } to test the new, improved Census form (brought to you by the } makers of the IRS forms). Failure to fill out this form } completely and correctly may result in a fine of up to } $10,000 and/or 20 years in prison. The form must be returned } by September 1st, 1993 or penalties may apply. } } [Each person screams] } } You owe the Oracle a scientific calculator and some take-out Chinese } food.