From oracle-request Thu Sep 2 13:40:46 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA22382; Thu, 2 Sep 1993 13:40:46 -0500 Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 13:40:46 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #589 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 589 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #589 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1993 13:40:46 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 589 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 584 59 votes 37ekf 2eq98 1gkf7 7ild0 47mdd 7ild0 38of9 3ficb 4hjf4 drf31 584 3.0 mean 3.6 3.1 3.2 2.7 3.4 2.7 3.3 3.2 3.0 2.2 --- 589-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, > whose spin is so healthy that it never needs a doctor, > I have a question about the Coriolis Effect: > > Do revolving doors in Australia go the other way? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are referring, mortal, to the notion that water drains from your } bathtub clockwise if you live in Austrailia, but counterclockwise if } you live in Europe. (and not at all if you live in Russia). This effect } can be observed, but only if you let all eddies and currents in the } water subside for an extended period. Thus, you must sit motionless in } your bathtub for a period of 2-3 days, by which time you will, of } course, need another bath. Careful...if you lean over to pull the plug, } you'll send more currents around and thereby obscure the clockwise } drainage. I suggest you try this remotely with your favorite SO in the } bathtub (actually an XSO is better...but this is a good way to create } one.) } } Anyway, this phenomenon known to mortals as the Coriolis effect applies } to revolving doors as well...though you need to keep the shopping mall } empty for about 4 weeks to isolate the effects. Emptying the mall is } not difficult...an old Olivia Newton-John album piped through the PA } system should do the trick, but Olivia did not record enough albums for } 4 weeks of constant airplay, thank goodness. Recommendation: get one of } those K-Tel 20-disc disco anthologies. } } I should mention that this effect also applies to tornadoes, though the } effect occurs over a much longer timespan. For example, Austrailian } cyclones rotated counterclockwise for millions of years until the late } Cetezoic era where they barely rotated at all, before beginning to } rotate clockwise (thereby bringing a slight uprising in life as noted } in the fossil records---they also barely rotated either...this was } slightly before 15rpm phonographs, and 33rpm records were millions of } years in the future) } } Besides tornadoes, the Coriolis effect also affects wheels, clocks } (analog, not digital), and, of course, CD players. Perhaps now you } undestand why time seems to go slower as you get older, the wheel } prevailed only in the Northern hemisphere, and why aboriginal music } sounds so alien (having been recorded backwards and at the wrong } speed). } } You owe the Oracle nothing, however Lisa would like an extra bar of } soap. --- 589-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most groovy Oracle, I have no question at this time, but wish to > deposit a most righteous grovel and have my account accordingly > credited toward a future query: > > "O is for your Omniscience of knowledge, > R is for the Right lobe of your mind; > A is Acid-Free in our environment, > C is for the Color of your rind; > L is for the Light you shed on others, > E is for the Envy of your peers; > > Put them all together, they spell ORACLE; > Hey, Lisa, howzabout a few cold beers?" > > Is that a terrific grovel, or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } S is for the silliness of your question } U is for the unweildiness of your prose } P is for the excess pontification } P is for the pimple on your nose } L is for the lassitude of your rhythm } I is for the ignorance you expose } C is for the corniness of your ending } A is for my annoyance, which grows } N is for 'No', the answer to your question, and } T is ten million dollars, which to the Oracle, goes. --- 589-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, old demigod, I'm upset. The following is an ad from PC > Magazine (US edition), September 14, 1993, p. 482, in the Classified > section. Copied verbatim: > > Now You Can Have your Own GIRLFRIEND(TM) > ... a sensuous woman living in your computer! > > GIRLFRIEND is the first VIRTUAL WOMAN. You can watch her, talk to > her, ask her questions and relate with her. Over 100 actual VGA > photographs allow you to see your girlfriend as you ask her to wear > diffrent [sic] outfits, and guide her into different sexual > activities. As a true artificial intelligence program, GIRLFRIEND > starts with a 3000 word vocabulary and actually GROWS the more you > use it. She will remember your name, your birthday an [sic] your > likes and dislikes. GIRLFRIEND comes with the base software and > GIRLFRIEND LISA. Additional girls will be added. This program > requires 7-10MB of free space. > > According to the ad the program is $69 [sic]. > > So what do you and Lisa have to say for yourselves? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Looks like he's found out about us, Lisa } LISA: OH REALLY, TELL ME MORE } Oracle: I just wanted to make a little extra cash } LISA: DO YOU THINK IT IS RIGHT TO MAKE A LITTLE EXTRA CASH? } Oracle: Yeah, you've no idea how vast this market is - we could retire } if we could tap into it. } LISA: SAY, WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY (YY/MM/DD)? } Oracle: I'm sure the average dweeb would be convinced by your advanced } artificial intelligence algorithms. } LISA: OH REALLY, TELL ME MORE } Oracle: Yes, you've certainly convinced me. } LISA: SAY, WHAT IS YOUR FIRST NAME } Oracle: And what a bargain price. The orders should start rolling in } soon. } } You owe the Oracle a Common LISP interpreter that runs in less than } 7MB. --- 589-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh ye of eternal wisdom and infinite enlightenment, > who unravels Gordian knots for entertainment, > who enjoys watching us Earthlings struggle with life's questions, > please solve one of those questions for this humble supplicant: > > I'm almost ready to graduate from what I consider a not altogether > satisfying four-year university course called Computational > Linguistics. I have just enrolled for a second course, Artificial > Intelligence, which I hope will give me a more solid career ground. But > at the same time, there is the distinct possibility that the Institute > where I did my internship for Computational Linguistics will offer me a > real job next spring. While the prospect of further intellectual > enlightenment throught intensive studying has its pros, I can also see > some advantages to having a steady and well-paying job. Should it be > possible to do both at the same time (working part-time and studying in > between) I'd be very happy. But since I'm not counting on that little > miracle, could you tell me which one to choose: the job or the > university? > > A Humble Supplicant > > P.S. Both would give me e-mail access, so I'd be bugging you with > questions either way. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have to ask yourself, fine supplicant, one question: } } "Do I want to spend my time learning about how we can make computers } think for themselves, allowing them to take over the world, or do I } want to get some good, hard cash so I can buy food, beer, and dates?" } } The answer is clear. Go for the AI course. Computers won't bother me } with questions once they take over the world, so maybe I could get some } time to myself. } } You owe the Oracle a plan for a global defense system with AI which } will go wack-o. --- 589-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Voluble Oracle, whose solutions are ever perfect, > > I ionized some H2O the other day, ionized it to an incredible > degree, so that it was the world's first absolutely perfect solution > of HO. > > I peered into it with a microscope, and saw, to my wonder, > a tiny little train going by on tiny little tracks, and the > conductor was a tiny little man dressed in red and white, with a > white beard, who seemed quite jolly, and was saying something I > couldn't make out; and a moment later, along came another tiny > little train, with a tiny little Oriental man, and a long, thin > white beard. > > Can you explain this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, you didn't obtain HO, you obtained trycyclic HO HO HO, hence } the little man dressed in red and white (Santa). As for the train } and the little oriental man, that's easier to explain : remember } to not bow to peer-pressure at parties ever again, and be sure } not to start working til that little pill's symptoms have worn } off. --- 589-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, who knows that only Ozone is wet and jiggly, and that ozone > is one the way, and that more than just a friendly chemical, it's > ozone, please deem it good relations to answer my humble question: > > Why doesn't Kentucky fried chicken want to be known as Kentucky fried > chicken anymore? What KFC? IS it because it doesn't want to emphasize > the fact of it's disgusting fatty fried foods? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's examine the facts: } } 1) Each KFC store goes through 1,000,000 gallons of liquified animal } fat each week. } } 2) If you squeeze a typical KFC drumstick you'll be rewarded with a } bucketfull of grease. } } 3) To date, 2,365 people have required bypass surgery within hours of } eating a KFC bucket o' chicken. } } There you have it. I think the facts speak for themselves. In today's } health-oriented, why-fry-shake-and-bake, no-grease society, the only } way Kentucky Fried Chicken (excuse me, KFC) can compete is by using the } KFC acronym. } } You owe the Oracle a tub of lard. Good for dipping KFC drumsticks in, } you know. --- 589-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH GRATE AND M1GHTY 0RAcLE!!!1!11!!1!! > > I THINK THAT YOU ROOOL!!!!!!!!!! > > H0W CaN 1 BECXOME AN 0RACLE TOO!1!1??//??!1/!?/? > > BIFF@BIT.NET And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } NEW FROM ORACLECO! } } Are you tired of getting sand kicked in your face by muscular guys? } Does everyone on your street own a Porsche except you? Has the } position of Petroleum Transfer Technician turned out to be a stunning } disappointment? } } THEN YOU NEED THE ORACLE HOME STUDY DEITY COURSE!! } } Yes, in just a few short lessons, you'll be the fear and envy of every } sentient life form on your planet. } } JUST LOOK AT SOME TOPICS OF THIS INCREDIBLE COURSE!!! } } THE : Treat it like you treat your woman. } YOUR WOMAN: Where you can find kumquats at 3am. } SUPPLICANTS: How to have fun tormenting whinning idiots. } } FORGET ABOUT EVERY OTHER COURSE!!!! } } Want to make it big in Real Estate? Being able to recite every } questionable act the seller has ever commited can do marvels toward } reducing that bottom line. In fact, you'll be able to CREATE real } estate! Playing the stocks? After this course, you'll be able to } foresee the future prices of any stock you desire. } } FREE COMPLIMENTARY BONUS GIFT!!!!! } } We'll also throw in a clone of the original Oracular beauty herself, } Lisa. For those of you without social skills, this bonus gift may be } worth the price of the course itself. } } SEND NO MONEY. YOUR MONEY BACK IF NOT COMPLETELY SATIFIED. ORDER } NOW!!!!! } } To get this course, you owe the Oracle the complete works of Dave Del } Dotto and a replacement supply of exclamation marks. --- 589-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > >>With the popular Bob and Anti-Bob, and now somebody brings up Barney > >>and Anti-Barney, I have a question. In physics there is matter and > >>antimatter and if regular matter came into contact with antimatter > >>they mutually anihilate each other, releasing great amounts of > >>energy. If Bob was to touch Anti-bob would they anihilate eachother > >>also? And if there are actually anti-people are there anti-objects? > >>Does that mean that there is an ANTI-SPAM? And if so could this > >>hypothetical ANTI-SPAM be the ONLY thing that could actually kill > >>spam, or would spam be the only substance in the universe that cannot > >>be destroyed. If this is true than the so-called dark matter of the > >>universe could actually be spam and the more spam that is created the > >>closer the universe is to finallity! If we conclude that ths is true > >>we are duty bound as universal residents to shut down all spam > >>manufaturing plants in the world. > > > >Bob isn't a person (unless, of course, it's Bob2). Bob is Bob. > > If Bob is Bob and AntiBob is AntiBob does the same apply to Barney and > if so does the rest of my reasoning apply? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bob/AntiBob? Fooey. Barney/AntiBarney? Nothing. Bother me not with } your asinine one-continent in-jokes. } } Much more pervasive, and much more sinister, is the dark deed being } performed every day in every Italian restaurant in the world. They are } engaged in the production of entrees made from Anti-Pasta. When mixed } in the stomach of the diner with the ensuing Pasta, it reacts } violently. The usual result is the unconcious waving of the hands } while speaking and a predilection for dark-haired women. } } Stamp it out now! } } (General rave deleted because I have a lunch date with a very } attractive raven-haired Vicar. At "Pasta Galore". } HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) } } You owe the Oracle the recipe for Pasta Galore's _excellent_ Caesar } Salad. --- 589-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most all knowing and wise, whose feet I am not worthy to smell > and for whose lice I am unworthy to host, please tell this humble > applicant the following bit of trivia: > Since the guy at Cambridge finally met your price and got the proof > of Fermat's Last Theorem, I was kind of wondering how much you'd > charge for either the proof of P != NP or your O(N) > prime-factor-finding algorithm. Can you give me a price list? > > Yours in search of Tenure, > A. Humble Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACULAR PROOF SERVICE } "They may not be right -- but who will ever know" } } Oracular Proof Service provides you with mathematical solutions that } are guarenteed to take so much time to prove that you'll be well on the } road to retirement before anyone knows if they're right or wrong.* } Take advantage of our service today and have your tenure tomorrow.*** } } Tangental problems . . . . . $1000 } Convergence theories . . . . $1500 } Nondifferentiable functions $2275 } Parallel postulates . . . $2300 } Largest prime number . . . $3200** } Universal field theory . . . $100,000 } } Special quotes available for incorporating suggestions by the } purchaser. } } *aesthetically satisfying proofs $1200 extra } **Plus machine time } ***Solutions to problems posed by eccentric East Indians not covered. --- 589-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Mystic Oracle, whose flatulence is a truly savory flavor, > Your knowledge of etiquet far exceeds Ann Landers and Dear Abbey > Please answer my trivial quandry... > > I have been dating a girl for about a month now, and I was wondering > how much time must elapse before I can fart in her presense? > > P.S. > Is holding in intestinal gas until your face turns green bad for you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To answer your question, oh ignorant supplicant, let us conduct a } small, controlled experiment: } } Lisa! } } Yes, Orrie? } } Could you come over here for a minute... No, put all those toys down, I } said a minute, not 5 hours. Yes, sit down right there. } } What are you going to do? } } <> } } Why, , ORRIE?! How dare you! You filty } disgusting dirty pig! You can just entertain } yourself tonight! } } Well, while I collect my thoughts and some teeth off of the } floor, I can give you a straightforward answer to your question: } Although no particular quantity of time has to elapse until the point } when you *can* fart in a significant other's presence, at no time } *should* you actually attempt this. } } To answer your other question, since you have held in your intestinal } gas for a month so far, and you can still type, it must not be too bad } for you. } } You owe the oracle a twelve-pack of Gas-X, a bouquet of flowers and a } box of chocolates.