From oracle-request Thu Sep 9 07:56:45 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA10040; Thu, 9 Sep 1993 07:56:45 -0500 Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 07:56:45 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #591 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 591 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #591 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1993 07:56:45 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 591 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 586 53 votes bqb41 3ajf6 7og60 47aie 5akg2 49aak 3agk4 ebl52 52jde 38kh5 586 3.0 mean 2.2 3.2 2.4 3.6 3.0 3.6 3.2 2.4 3.5 3.2 --- 591-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, whose calls always complete and whose answering > machine never runs out of incoming message tape, please help me with > the answer to this perplexing problem. > > I recently tried placing a call and received the following intercept > announcement: > > > We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. > > Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. > > My problem is, about which axis should rotation occur? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mere mortal, who waiteth in vain for the beep...... } } As we all know, a rotation of 90 degrees is the same as multiplying by } i. Now, on the 'phone, it says GHI 4, so we have to multiply the phone } by 4. All old assembly programmers know the best way to multiply by } four is to shift left two bits. } So how far is two bits? Take 3E8 (speed of light, m/s) and divide by } the baud rate (/s).... at 9600 baud this is 31.25 kms per bit. } So move the phone 62.5 kilometers to the left, then try again. } } Which way is left? Use the left hand grip rule on the original axis of } rotation! } } You owe the Oracle a 62.5 kilometer 'phone extension lead, and a } photon. --- 591-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You owe the Oracle a question. --- 591-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My boomerang won't come back! > > I've thrown the thing all over the place, > Practiced till I was black in the face, > I'm a big disgrace to the aborigine race: > > My boomerang won't come back! > > Please help. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What is not commonly appreciated about boomerangs is the } amount of care and attention they must receive to function } properly. The wise aborigine knows this, and will always see } to it that his 'rang is kept in a warm, dry place when not in } use. It should also be fed a steady diet of fruits, small insects, } and the severed limbs of human infants. Now and then its } owner should also see to it that his 'rang cuddles up with } another of its kind. After much grinding of waxy surfaces, the } hermaphroditic projectiles will both conceive, giving birth a } few weeks later to several larvae. These are often used in the } bar game "darts." } } A popular aborigine legend recounts how the lead singer } of the group "Men at Work" was killed when his second dart } suddenly reached maturity en route to its target, returning } abruptly and catching him squarely between the eyes. } Observers were heard to note that they guessed he was, in fact, } a one-hit wonder... } } You owe the Oracle the Australian Aborigine Chorus' version of } "Return to Sender." --- 591-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, it's Null Query time! } } I'll bet you've noticed that all the neatest and niftiest } and funniest answers go to the Null Query, and you wanted to } get some of that action; either that, or you just messed up. } } Either way, welcome to the Null Query club! You've just } asked the very same question that got the "roll down your } window" answer, that got the "sorry, folks, I had to zot } him" answer, that got the "shift over the invisible bits" } answer, and so on down the line -- and nobody can prove that } you didn't ask the question in those cases, because your } question is exactly completely and perfectly identical, down } to the very last bit, to the questions in those Oracularities!! } } To get your *free* Null Query Club badge, just send $49.95 } postage and handling to NQ, box 0, Terre Haute IN, 00000; } allow 6 aeons for delivery. } } Unless you just sent me your IQ, you've probably wondered } why the Null Query gets so many good answers, and I can tell } you why: it's *because* it's always the same question. } } Every single incarnation out there has a file in which he or } she has written a Null Query Answer, an answer that she or } he hopes will bring him/her undying fame and bountiful } fortune. } } Every incarnation waits, and waits, and waits for the chance } to answer the Null Query, and until some public-spirited, } philanthropic, kind-hearted soul (such as you) is good } enough to ask it, alas! all they can do is wait! } } It is for this reason that the Oracle management has decided } to institute the Null Query Service: no longer need you } wait, for now you too can send your very own Null Query } Answer to oracle-null-query-answer@cs.indiana.edu, } where it will be handled as though you had actually received } a Null Query in the normal course of events! } } (If your answer is selected for the Oracularities, credit } for asking the Question will be assigned to Steve Kinzler.) } } Unless you just sent me the meaning of your life, what this } means to *you* is that you've been automated out of a job! } No longer need you wear your fingers to the bone typing out } the tediously long boilerplate verbiage of the Null Query, } sacrificing your keystrokes for the benefit of the Oracular } public; and no longer do you get a free ride by sending in } this question and getting equal credit with the Incarnation } -- you are going to have to find a new question to ask. } } You owe this Incarnation a funny answer to the Null Query -- } I sent out my old one yesterday. --- 591-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most profound Oracle, whose sapience doth flow as liberally as the > spruce gum oozeth and congealeth in the Kaibab, grant me this one > plea: tell me why there is such an overemphasis on sports? I mean, > they are just stupid GAMES. I am sick of trying to drive by the > stadium just going about my business and having some numbskull cop > refuse to listen to me when I tell him that I am NOT BLOODY > INTERESTED IN TRYING TO SNEAK INTO AN ILLEGAL PARKING SPACE FOR > YOUR FUCKING STUPID FOOTBALL GAME!! I JUST WANNA GO HOME AFTER A > HARD DAY'S WORK!!! GET A LIFE YOU STUPID ASSHOLE SPORTS FANS!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please, Mr. Steinbrener, relax... --- 591-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > About a month ago, I was in a bookstore, and I was hungry. > I noticed the picture of some creampuffs on the dustjacket > of a cookbook, how enticing and how real they looked, and I > thought about how nice it would be to just reach into the > picture and take one. > > Stupid idea. You can't do that. Of course, you never know > for sure unless you give it a try. So I did. > > Much to my surprise, it worked! The creampuff was delicious. > > Since then, I've done all my food shopping at bookstores and > libraries and newsstands, spending no money at all in > supermarkets or restaurants. > > So far, I'm doing fine. But I worry about long-term health > problems; and I worry about the morality of stealing the > food from the pictures; and I wonder whether there are other > implications that I have missed. > > What do you say? > > -- A voracious reader And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A sticky wicket, indeed. You _have_, overlooked a few things. In your } idle ramblings about the store, picking up a macadamia chicken here, a } bambushkula there, you have been causing what we ghods like to refer to } as Cosmic Backfeed. You see, you've been breaching the artistic } integrity of the images, actually forcing the art into a state of } "substance over style," a very precarious position, I'm sure you will } agree. For, just as any form of normal matter is composed of } substance, art is composed of style. } } I shudder to think what other disasters you could, unwittingly, have } caused had you decided to try this gift (for it is that, a gift, not } all mortals have this ability - only those who have come close enough } to breaching the barrier of "style over substance" may even attempt it, } and even then, most of those do not, for 99.93756% of all those who do } reach this point are merely shallow, self-effacing drones who } inevitably lose their souls to their mirrors - oh, but that's a } different question) upon the pages of, for example, an old copy of } "Amazing Stories" or even "Tales from the Crypt." Remember, the ghods } are trained experts - don't try this at home. } } At any rate, let me conclude by reminding you of something you should } have remembered - while food may feed your body, books, magazines, and } the like feed your mind. I hope, for your sake, that you've been } giving it all the essentials that a brain needs - remember, Garbage In, } Garbage Out. } } Oh, and that little weight loss problem of late? I think you can guess } what to attribute that to... Feeding your intellect without your body } is the classic "see food" diet. } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to every magazine you've been } eating. There, don't you feel less guilty already? --- 591-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and mysterious Oracle, whose belly-button lint is so nutritious > that it could feed a small South American country, whose jokes are so > timely and witty that several Earthly comedians are suing for restraint > of trade, whose kindness and compassion make Mother Teresa look like a > piker, please enlighten me on the following matter: > > What exactly does "Whamma lamma lamma ding dong" mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmmm ... not a bad grovel. In fact, you show such an unusual amount } of humility that I will not even award you a for your } ill-considered mention of the pending "Earth Comedians vs Usenet } Oracle" lawsuit. You are lucky today, O mortal. } } Now, about that question ... you WILL be interested to know that the } phrase "whamma lamma lamma ding dong" did not originate in the 1950's, } as you 20th century mortals seem to think (you have a bad habit of } thinking that your century invented EVERYTHING), but dates back from } the very dawn of mankind, in the Stone Age. Let us break down the } meaning of the individual words: } } Whamma -- "you" } Lamma-Lamma -- "wheel" } Ding Dong -- "nutritionally inadequate" (actually, since anything } which could not be eaten was useless to the Stone Age } humans, the popular meaning of this word was "bad") } } Therefore, the original meaning of the phrase was "Your wheel is } useless, since it can't be eaten". } } By the Middle Ages of European civilization, the phrase had come full } circle and was once again in common usage. However, since it had been } translated by the clergy, there were some inaccuracies. For example, } the meaning of the words "Ding Dong" had shifted from "bad" to "evil". } Therefore, during the Spanish Inquisition, the phrase "Whamma lamma } lamma ding dong" meant "You are evil, therefore you will be tortured on } the wheel". Needless to say, it was not a very popular phrase among } the peasantry. } } Once again, the phrase fell into disuse, this time until the 1950's. } And of course, there were again subtle changes in translation. This } time, the meaning of "Ding Dong" had shifted once more, from "evil" to } "wicked". It is important to note here that in that time period, } "wicked" meant "good", much as the word "bad" or "cool" does in the } 1990's. It is also important to note here that the inhabitants of } 1950's America had a love affair with their automobiles, obsessive to } the point of determining self-worth on the basis of chrome and leather. } } Therefore, the 1950's definition of "Whamma lamma lamma ding dong" is } "Man, you sure have some wicked wheels". } } Now I must say that the original usage of the phrase (including the } definition of "Ding Dong" as "nutritionally inadequate") is more } applicable than ever in the 1990's, and I myself often use it to mean } "Boy, that Wheel of Fortune gives me indigestion". } } You owe the Oracle a `57 Chevy and a box of Hostess Ding Dongs. --- 591-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O beneficient oracle, who puts the mind of man at ease, and ZOTs those > who are truly deserving, please answer this simple question for me: > > Does a tree, > Falling alone in a forest, > Scream when it sees a woodchuck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That word! Oh that word! Lisa! Bring me my zotter! No, the really } big industrial strength one for the truly deserving. You did WHAT with } it? I don't care what she did with a coke bottle in the movie, don't } do that with my zotter! Now, ewwwww, or if you DO do that again, at } least clean it off. Now just hold that speaker of the forbidden word in } the sights. What? No, no "tree" is fine, and yes, so is "scream" now } just, Arrrgh!!! yes yes that word. Dammit Lisa you get in there with } him so I can get you both with } } one } big } } / \ } / \ } / \ } < zzzz > } \ / } \ / } \ / } } Damn, misfire. Well, since you asked, and as you might have guessed, } the answer is yes, but not nearly as loud as the Oracle at the same } sight. } } you owe the oracle one case of zot lube. --- 591-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most conflagorous Oracle, whose charcoal briquets doth light > with one match (and, verily, no lighter fluid), whose fireplace > doth glow with the Embers of Fortitude, and who dutifully checks > thy smoke alarms, even though thou needest them not: > > Al Gore, Vice President of the United States, presented a plan > to, as he put it, "reinvent" government. > > Who in the world -invented- this beast in the first place? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First I would like to make it absolutely clear that it wasn't me. If I } had been given the task of inventing government, WHICH I might add, I } put in a tender for, I would have made a much better job of it. Just } like all the other things that I tendered for and they were given to } someone else. I mean look at the universe we live in, the light doesn't } even travel fastest in straight lines near heavy objects. And look at } those black holes sucking up whole civilisations and compressing them } into their component matter. That's the kind of universe you get when } everything is created by the lowest bidder. And then there're *some* } deities I could name who weren't even members of a recognised union. } } But, I must get off my soapbox. You did grovel quite nicely, so I } should give you a straight answer. } } Government. Well, before democracy government was much simpler. Anyone } who disagreed with the ruling forces was taken out and clubbed to } death/shot (delete where unapplicable). Unless of course they had more } clubs/trained mammoths/men than the ruling forces whereupon the ruling } forces were taken out and clubbed to death/shot. } } This workable if slightly unsophisticated state of affairs continued } until ancient Greece, when they tried a bold new experiement - } democracy. The idea was that each person had a 'vote', and whoever } received the most 'votes' would be the ruler. And no-one had to be } taken out and killed, unless their name was "Socrates" (ancient greek } meaning 'troublemaker'). Nostalgia suggests that this was the golden } age of democracy, but unfortunately it wasn't so. Not having } interlinked computers across the nation, Greek pollsters counted the } votes by weighing them. Unfortunately poor people had to write their } votes on papayrus, while rich people had them carved on large blocks of } Italian Marble. So you can see, ancient Greek democracy was } surprisingly similar to our own. } } Democracy continued to evolve down the ages. During the French } revolution, greater equality was obtained by putting to death by } guillotine all those noted of having large blocks of marble } suspiciously hanging around their palaces. This selfsame marble was } later used to construct the Statue of Liberty. It is a little known } fact that one naughty French marble carver carved "Reagan" on one of } the interior stones. And lo and behold, many years later a B-Movie } actor was elected to the highest office in the land known as America. } Worse is yet to come though as one of the great marble arches of the } Sydney Opera house has "Kylie" carved on it. } } Later on in England a special form of democracy was established with an } upper and lower house. The lower house, elected from among the } graduates of Eton, would suggest changes to the law. The upper house } (the 'House of Lords') would refuse. Apart from pay rises of course. } This is why the walled city of Chester still has a law in effect that } three or more Welshmen found within the city walls at night are judged } to be plotting to overthrow the city and are to be put to death and } hung outside the gate to warn off other Welshmen. Fortunately however, } English policemen are even less efficient than the English parliament, } and few Welshmen are hung outside the gates nowdays. } } At a similar time Americans were getting back to things the way they } used to be. The British were the rulers, the Americans had more guns, } so the British were taken out and shot. Apart from three Welshmen who } managed to escape. Sadly however, after bravely rowing across the } atlantic in a small boat and facing legion unknown terrors and } deprivations (and forgetting to register this with the Guiness book of } records), they came ashore near Chester. This, just after the local } policeman had been told off for not making enough arrests. } } Back in America the perfect democracy was being crafted. Unfortunately, } after lodging the documents with the law firm of Grabbe, Muny & Wrun, } the founding fathers were presented with a bill for $245,987, } comprising of $35 fees for writing a letter and $245,952 for } "research". Unable to pay the bill all of the founding fathers found } their incomes stopped and their bank accounts closed by legal orders } issued by this firm. Not able to regain their documents the founding } fathers gathered around a table and wrote down as much as they could } remember. And, that is how America came to have the government that it } does today. } } Research into government still continues. Some governmental systems, } such as that in Burma, are now so complex that even five or six years } after an election a change of government still has not taken place. } } Al Gore's plans to reinvent government are, of course, directly related } to this story. It is a little known fact that Al Gore's maternal } grandmother's name is 'Grabbe', and that Al Gore is sitting on the } original documents confiscated from the founding fathers. These } documents describe how a government can be formed that would be fair } and just, and give rich and poor equal control over their destiny. } } Which is why you can be sure that no action will ever be taken to } reinvent government along these lines. } } You owe the Oracle a 5 metre * 10 metre * 20 metre block of Marble. --- 591-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'll never forget the day I was a millionaire. > > My job in Milano had, alas, ended abruptly > (not my fault), and I had to get some money out, > and change it back into good old US dollars. > > Back in those days, there were severe currency restrictions, > so I got the cash from my bank, on a day when they weren't > on strike, hopped in my Fiat, and zoomed up via Fulvio > Testi, right through Seveso, to Chiasso. > > Border towns are always interesting; they are chock-full of > whatever is cheaper or unavailable on the other side. > The Swiss side of Chiasso has nothing but banks, plus a few > stores selling Cuban cigars and Swiss Navy knives. > > I already had an account at Credito Svizzero there, > so I parked on the Italian side, and walked over the > border with three *million* lire in my shoes. > > Figuratively speaking, my heart was in my boots > (along with my 3,000,000), because I was committing an > illegal act, and I greatly feared having to share a jail > cell with Sophia Loren; however, they didn't even ask to see > my passport. > > Since then, we have had the American S&L scandal, where many > people became millionaires for real, walking *away* from the > bank with lots of money.... I missed my chance! > > O Oracle, whose wealth is exceeded only by your wisdom, > please tell me, > > How can I become a millionaire again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Three easy ways to become a millionaire (from the forthcoming } pamphlet from OracleCo Productions) } } i) Marry and divorce a billionaire then invest badly. } } ii) Live in Italy where everyone is a millionaire and it doesn't make } them particularly rich. } } iii) Sell a million things at $1 each.