From oracle-request Fri Oct 8 11:27:57 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA21759; Fri, 8 Oct 1993 11:27:57 -0500 Date: Fri, 8 Oct 1993 11:27:57 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #597 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 597 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #597 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 8 Oct 1993 11:27:57 -0500 @@@ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, USENET ORACLE! @@@ @@@ 8 October 1993 marks the 4th anniversary of the Oracle's presence on @@@ Usenet. Let the festivities begin ... To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 597 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 592 49 votes 566jd 7gk60 69n92 39jg2 65edb 23ald 3cha7 1gjd0 4mc92 5ahf2 592 3.1 mean 3.6 2.5 2.8 3.1 3.4 3.8 3.1 2.9 2.7 3.0 --- 597-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the difference between FreeBSD and NetBSD? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FreeBSD is bondage, submission, and dominance with people who do not } charge you for their services. It's illegal in four southern states. } } NetBSD is a large, coarse-weave fishing implement suitable for } catching Bream, Salmon, and Dolphins, but allows smaller fish to swim } free. It's illegal in most of the world, by international treaty. } } You owe the Oracle a WetBSD. --- 597-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who was born in a house full of pain? > Who was trained not to spit in the fan? > Who was told what to do by the man? > Who was broken by trained personnel? > Who was fitted with collar and chain? > Who was given a pat on the back? > Who was breaking away from the pack? > Who was only a stranger at home? > Who was ground down in the end? > Who was found dead on the phone? > Who was dragged down by the stone? > WHO WAS DRAGGED DOWN... BY THE STONE? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All right, buddy...Oracle policy generally states that I will answer } one question per grovel - and you have made no attempt whatsoever to } produce even a nominal grovel! I have ZOTted people for this! But } since I see that you are a keen-minded individual, who no doubt was } driven by his thirst for knowledge to ignore common courtesy, I will } answer your questions. } } ] Who was born in a house full of pain? } Thomas Paine, famous American Revolutionary and publisher. } ] Who was trained not to spit in the fan? } The man standing in front of it. } ] Who was told what to do by the man? } The entire population of Jonestown, Guyana. } ] Who was broken by trained personel? } Winston Smith } ] Who was fitted with collar and chain? } Lisa, although she no longer uses it. } ] Who was given a pat on the back? } Richard Nixon, playing "horsie". } ] Who was breaking away from the pack? } Phil Katz. } ] Who was only a stranger at home? } Valentine Michael Smith. } ] Who was ground down in the end? } Donald Duck, backing into an electric fan. } ] Who was found dead on the phone? } Ma Bell. } ] Who was dragged down by the stone? } Luciano "Lucky" DiNostro. } ] WHO WAS DRAGGED DOWN... BY THE STONE? } No need to shout. I donj't guarantee that you'll _like_ my answers, } just that you'll get them. } } You owe the oracle an autographed copy of The Sound and the Fury, and a } decent grovel. --- 597-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle, > > who knows all, tells all, and has a positive balance in the > bank, > > What are the list of questions we lowly supplicants cannot > ask, and why. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } LIST OF QUESTIONS THAT YOU LOWLY SUPPLICANTS CANNOT ASK: } -------------------------------------------------------- } } Q: My $SUBJECT teacher give us this problem and I was wondering if you } could help me with it. } R: If you think you're above doing the problem yourself, so is the } oracle. } } Q: "Dear U. Oracle, we have been noticed that your income tax return } $BLABBER." } R: I haven't payed taxes since the beginning of time, and am not } planning to do that any time soon. } } Q: Is there anything more embarrassing than ${EVENT}? } R: Getting your willy ZOT'ed in public is the most embarassing thing } that could happen, so don't ask. } } Q: How much work would a network work if a network could network? } R: What type of network? } } Q: How can I get a date for $EVENT? } R: You're a CS major. You can't. } } Q: Is Lisa free Friday night? } R: No. } } Q: How much wood would a w*dch*k... < /dev/null } R: } ####### ####### ####### ### } # # # # ### } # # # # ### } # # # # # } # # # # } # # # # ### } ####### ####### # ### } } You owe the oracle a list of all the rec.humor.oracle postings. --- 597-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O' wise and extreamly wonderful oracle, pray tell this insignifigant > soul, Do you believe that mytical objects can hold power? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You of course meant "mythical" objects. But be careful with those } typos when you're sending mail to non-omniscient folks. } } Mythical objects cannot hold any power per se, as being fictitious, } each and every one will have a zero capacitance. They do still have } the ability to change the world around them, however. } } Necronomicon: } This book, with a name associating it with the Book of the (Names } of the) Dead, has brought into being much unamusing short fiction } and some delightfully cheesy movies. Includes information } allowing the user to contact "Old ones" at their secret base on } the planet Pluto. Insanity fu. No breasts. Joe-Bob says check } it out. } } $200 Sports Car: } This sports car, in perfect condition but available now for just } $200 because someone died inside and the dealer cannot remove the } smell, has prompted hundreds of bargain hunters to local used car } lots, trying to chase down a deal that turns out to have no } substance, not even a smell. } } moose.cs.indiana.edu: } Not a real net site, thousands of mail messages are addressed to } this location each month by eager supplicants seeking the ear of } a mysterious being referred to only as "The Oracle." Local } administrators, figuring that thousands of e-mail users couldn't } be wrong, set up their routing software to forward all such mail } to npole.santa.mil, where it is dealt with appropriately. } } You owe the Oracle a set of Jackalope antlers and an amount of money } equal to the sum total of that donated by Snapple to Operation Rescue } and the KKK. --- 597-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most minimaximous Oracle, whose benificence and wisdom > are as infinite and non-repeatable as the deicimal expansion > of _pi_ (and only a little less irrational) help me please! > > There's this drunk programmer sitting in my living room > telling drunk programmer funny stories (which aren't), > but I promised not to throw him out of the house till he > finished one last story. So he says: > > "There's this politician, see? And he's campaigning for > votes, and he goes up to the people and he says: > "If you elect me, I'll put a chicken in every pot. > And I'm not just saying that to make you vote for me. > > ...And I'm not just saying *that* to make you vote for me. > > ......And I'm not just saying **that** to make you > vote for me. > > ......And I'm not just saying ***THAT*** to make you > vote for me....' > > Arghhh!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } These two strings went into a bar, } and the one said, } "I'll have a beer". } } The other one said, } I'll have a beerW#%$Pxg^Z". } } And the first one said } "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated." --- 597-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whenever I try to wax poetic, > my readers' eyes glaze over and turn dull. > Am I using the wrong kind of wax? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Undoubtedly. } } First, do you have a poetic license? You simply can't buy poetic wax } without a poetic license, and (as you have discovered) you can't wax } poetic without poetic wax. } } You can get a poetic license at your local library. Ask at the } reference desk for one. They can also tell you where to get the wax, } and how to use it. } } You owe the Oracle your explanation of how you learned to come in out } of the wane. --- 597-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Mostly Wise, prithy tell me, who stole my bicycle and will > they be involved in a terrible road accident resulting in permanent > disability, blindness, sterility and chronic pain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Let's take a look. I'll just set the Way Back Machine to a few } seconds before the bicycle was stolen... and here we are! Come along, } Sherman!" } } "Yes, Mr. Peabody!" } } "Here we are, Sherman, just where he left his bicycle, foolishly } neglecting to chain it to the easily accessible lamppost!" } } "Pretty foolish, Mr. Peabody!" } } "The moment his back is turned, we see our thief, J. Pockfellow } Eiterkopf, sneaking up to the bicycle and dashing away!" } } } } "Quickly, Sherman, not a second to lose!! I'll hurl this stick into } his spokes and send the knave to the fate he richly deserves..." } } } } " `Floompf?', Mr. Peabody?" } } "Yes, Sherman, I'm afraid so: Eiterkopf was thrown from the stolen } bicycle directly onto a pile of quilts!" } } "Gee, Mr. Peabody, that hardly seems fair. He stole the bicycle and } nothing happened to him at all!" } } "Don't worry, Sherman: He will soon die of a horrible disease." } } "A disease, Mr. Peabody? I don't understand?" } } "No? Haven't you heard of giving AIDS and comforters to the enemy?" } } You owe the Oracle two fracture fairy tales and a "Bullwinkle for } President" t-shirt. --- 597-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, whose tan lines never cross, whose toenails never need > trimming, whose IQ causes Marilyn Vos Savant to cry in shame, please > answer my humble question: > > What does the G on Speed Racer's shirt stand for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > O mighty Oracle, whose tan lines never cross, whose toenails never } > need trimming, whose IQ causes Marilyn Vos Savant to cry in shame, } > please answer my humble question: } } Wait a minute! Cry in shame? Marilyn? Say it isn't so! I had no } idea... } } > What does the G on Speed Racer's shirt stand for? } } Ginny, his sweetheart in Pearville, IL. } } They met in Minneapolis at an auto show. She was fascinated with } the way his lips moved. Their eyes met and their scene faded to } dinner, a White Castle on the corner of Bryn Mawr and Fodor. They } gazed into each other's eyes for hours. After they regained their } senses, they made for Speed's trusty highway machine, and without a } word, hit the onramp and *whoooosh* south and west and before } sunrise, they had found the most secluded beach on Baja. They } tumbled into the sand and were enjoying a well-deserved nap when } Fontaine, the notorious gangster, silently removed the condoms from } Speed's glovebox, then disappeared without a trace. } } Speed and Ginny awoke with the sun high in the sky. They built a } fire and had a wonderful lunch of roasted nuts, cheese and crackers, } and champagne. Feeling quite flushed and warm, and giddy with the } bubbly intoxicants, Ginny exclaimed, "Oh my, I simply MUST shed some } clothing!" and began slowly to remove first her blouse, and then } her slacks, until her pale skin shone bright in the intense Baja } sun. Speed replied, "Oh my, I think I'm having an erection!" The } music grew tense as Speed's mind flashed to the booklet he had found } last summer. He immediately scanned his memory of the contents of } the glovebox. YES! He politely excused himself for just the } moment, and gingerly stepped to the highway machine. He opened the } glovebox. Ginny turned and stretched in the sun, exposing her } predilections to the warmth of the sun. His fingers explored the } depths of the plush-lined compartment. Speed Racer's forehead } became wet as his fingers raised the alarm and he realized that his } expectations were to be thwarted. He again scanned his memory. } There could only be one explanation! } } Fontaine tossed the condoms into the nearest trash can. He chuckled } the sort of chuckle only a true gangster can chuckle, and his lips } moved. He thought of the explosion about to occur. He had } considered perforating the condoms with a single tiny pin prick and } returning them to the glovebox, but he needed the satisfaction of } the impending boom. He took a seat on the bench next to the trash } can. He looked at his watch. He waited. He opened his newspaper. } He lost interest with the newspaper and looked at his watch again. } He got bored. He went home. } } Meanhile, Speed and Ginny had long since given up on safety and were } making passionate love in the sand, rolling and creating a great } moist depression in the secluded beach at Baja. } } Speed has never actually seen her since that day, and he does not } know that Ginny bore his daughter and named her Lisa, and married a } backhoe operator, smokes Marlboro Lights and currently weighs in at } 250, yet he still wears that shirt, and waits for a letter, or even } just a grain of sand. } } You owe the Oracle a hankie. --- 597-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > You and I have never been seen in the same place at the same time, > so people are beginning to think you might be my secret identity. > > Please stop by the office tomorrow; I'll buy lunch. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Moneybags, } } Wow, that must be some expense account to buy lunch for all 49 of the } users on this end of the connection. See what a shared e-mail address } gets ya? Make the reservations, but we're gonna need at least four } vegetarian platters, six kosher meals, and the rest of us go for huge } slabs of dead mammal. Whale will do fine. } } As to the mistaken identity, just wake up a little earlier and take the } time to put on a suit - people ALWAYS mistake a grungy bathrobe for } oracular priestly robes. } } As you've already surmised, you owe the Oracle lunch, but I'll take } care of the tip. --- 597-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is Clark Kent's secret identity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Superman in a pair of cheap glasses, sad really. There are only three } people in the solar system who are fooled by it, Perry White, Jimmy } and Lois. All the other mammals know it's him, all of your criminal } types straighten right up when they catch "Clark" coming down the } street. Actually because of the stupid eyeglasses trick, Clark Kent } unwittingly spawned an entire cottage industry. I'm referring, of } course, to The Hair Club For Men (tm). You know it's a rug, I know } it's a rug, dogs and kids know it's a friggin rug, but if Mr. Superman } can prance around with just a pair of old hornrims on and everybody's } willing to look the other way, shoot you can wear a dead woodchuck up } there. Who's gonna say? It gets worse every year though. Now they've } started trying spray paint on bald spots, "to make you look ten years } younger." Yes, and if the Oracle's Aunt Marcella had balls, she'd be } his Uncle Walden. The point is, my son, that nobody with half a } thimble of sense is going to go up to Clark and say, "Nice disguise, } Superguy" because he'd throw an embolism and pummel the poor halfwit } to tapioca. So everybody thinks they can get away with it, just cover } up your individual flaws with any old thing, never mind if it ends up } looking like a turd on a truffle tray. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Mary Kay, a bottle of scotch and a razor.