From oracle-request Thu Feb 17 08:28:01 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA04071; Thu, 17 Feb 1994 08:28:01 -0500 Date: Thu, 17 Feb 1994 08:28:01 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #629 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 629 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #629 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 17 Feb 1994 08:28:01 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 629 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 624 70 votes 1bmkg cyd83 mhh95 4jx95 6pgj4 19mfn 38kof 2euh7 1agnk 337iD 624 3.3 mean 3.6 2.4 2.4 2.9 2.9 3.7 3.6 3.2 3.7 4.2 --- 629-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A bus leaves Cleveland at 3:57pm heading west at 60mph. > At the same time, a squad of bikers leaves Los Angeles > travelling at 53mph, heading towards...well... wherever bikers > go. At the same time a tractor travels at 12mph somewhere in > Nebraska. Where and when, if ever, do they meet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are several possible answers, depending upon situational factors: } } 1) The bus driver is currently on an acid trip. In this case, the } bikers will find the bus lying in the grand canyon (the driver thought } it had wings). Upon removing the mangled corpses, they will renovate } it and turn it into a sleazy bar. Innocent hikers will stop in, and be } accosted. This will effectively kill Tourism in the West. This will } lead to a general deterioration of the economy, forcing the Nebraskan } to sell his tractor. } } 2) At 3:58 pm, the commies (who have been hiding in Cuba and plotting } while we thought that the evil empire was dead) will invade Texas. } Since all bikers eventually go to Texas, they will be enslaved by the } commies. The heroic farmer will ride his tractor in to save them, only } to be gunned down by the Godless brutes. The bus driver, oblivious to } world events, will continue his appointed rounds until he is finally } shot for being too efficient. } } 3) The tractor-driving Nebraskan is actually an agent of the alien } conspiracy to suck out all Americans' brains. In this case, the } nefarious E.T. will ride out to meet the bikers. ("wherever bikers go" } is actually a small field in Kansas where the aliens confront them and } consume what little brains they possess. No one misses the bikers, so } it's a win-win situation). Unfortunately, just as the alien } farmer-creature is about to run down the bikers with his tractor and } eat their cognitive organs, the innocent bus driver, whose sense of } geography is so impaired that he has managed to drive to Kansas. In } punishment for his stupidity, the aliens eat him instead, and the biker } leader goes on to write a tell-all book. } } 4) None of the above situations occur. In this case, they never meet, } and they live the rest of their lives without realizing what an effect } they could have had on civilization as we know it. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as jzimmerman@cmcvax.claremont.edu) a } copy of "The Protocols of the Elders of Zion." --- 629-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why am I here And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Target practice. Hold still! } } } } } } } } } } } } Dammit, you didn't hold still! } } You owe the Usenet Oracle another round of practice. --- 629-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If God created Adam and Eve in his image and in the image of man to > come, tell me oh Great Knowledge Giver, did they have belly buttons? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You stink! Ha ha! I smell your farts! Ha ha! } Ha ha! } } This question SUCKS! I'm going to flame EVERYONE! Ha ha! } } [Two grungy teenagers sit at a terminal in a mansion in Indiana which } they have just broken into for kicks. They are replying to the } owner's e-mail in their own fasion.] } } Bev: This question SUCKS! } Butt: Hey, here's a question. Like, if Adam and Eve were made in } God's image, and they had belly buttons, does that, like, } mean that God has a belly button? } Bev: Heh heh. Does God have a penis? Heh Heh } Butt: Heh heh heh! } Bev: If I step on the ground, how do I know I'm not touching his } butt? } Butt: Heh heh! } Bev: Heh heh! } Butt: Hey, look what happens if I change all of the terminal commands. } Bev: Hey, the screen's all weird. I think you broke it. Heh heh. } Butt: Try changing the window colors. } Bev: Hey look, it lets me change all of the screen colors to black. } Butt: You dickhead! Now I can't see anything! How are we going to } change it back, you boner? } Bev: Heh heh. } Butt: Heh heh! } } [Suddenly, the door slams open, revealing the irate figure of } the Oracle, so furious that even the light streaming from } the next room doesn't dare to touch him] } } O: Ah, HA! It's Butthead, at my terminal! So YOUR'RE the one } who's been shipping out all of the useless answers that everyone's } been getting! And here I thought you were the woodchuck! } Butt: Heh Heh. Woodchucks RULE! } O: Out! } Bev: Hey, can we have your gifs? They're awesome! } O: Out! } } You owe the Oracle a set of backup configuration files. --- 629-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's up doc? munch, munch... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: "Ooooh, that wascaly wabbit! I'll get you yet!" } } } } B.B.: "Ha! Missed me, doc. I think yer s are a little off." } } Oracle: "Just wait till I get my hands on you, you mangy wabbit..." } } } } B.B: "Easy there, doc. Wouldn't wanna raise the ol' blood } pressure- that could get serious!" } } } } Oracle: "What? You don't think my bwood pwessure is getting too high, } do you? I cewtainwy don't want that to happen..." } } B.B.: "Why don't you have a seat right there and I'll check it for } you!" } } Oracle: "Gee, thanks Mr. Wabbit. huhuhuhuhuhuhuh" } } } } B.B.: "Lemme just pump this lil' ol' valve here, and let's have a } look..." } } } } } } B.B.: "Gee, doc, pressure looks good to me... let's crank her up } a bit more..." } } Oracle: "But... but..." } } } } } } Oracle: "OOOOOOOH, I'M GONNA GET YOU NOW, WABBIT!" } } } } Oracle: "Feel my wath, you #!@**&%#$-ing wabbit!" } } } } } B.B: "Woooooh Woooooh WOOOOOOOH!!!!" } } --- 629-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell Me Great One, I love cartoons and have a "?" of concern for the > well being of the children of the future. > > In Goof Trope, Goofy has a son. Was he ever Married? and if not what > kind of massege are we sending to the kids. Is this Politicaly > correct? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *Sigh*. Don't they teach you kids *anything* in history class? } Let's see . . . Henson, Hephaestus . . . ah, here it is, } Herodotus' _Historia Kartonia_. I quote: } } In the fourth year of the reign of Bugios, king of Bunnia, } Goofy I, in an attempt to ally his native Baryta with the } far more powerful city-state of Dalmatia, wed their queen, } Phiphia. This union seems from contemporary accounts to have } been a happy one, and produced at least one known heir, but } politically it was a disaster for all concerned. Delicate } negotiations had been under way for a marriage between Phiphia } and Pluto, king of Pyppios, and the sudden breaking of those } agreements led inevitably to the Eleventh Isthmic War, which } weakened all three states to such an extent that within ten } years they were all absorbed into the Disneian Empire, under } Micios III. } } There you have it, then: } } (I) Goofy was married; } } (II) It was very far from being correct, politically; and } } (III) The message for today's troubled youth is simple: Love is } not enough to make a marriage work -- you also need complex } treaty negotiations, a balance of military power, and proper } respect for diplomatic protocol. } } You owe the Oracle ten reasons why man is a political anime. --- 629-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What must I do to export a file out of Island Draw into Power Point? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ayup. I reckon you's be mightly lost. Now you say you want to get to } Power Point from Island Draw? Well, the fastest way'd be to take old } route 37 up past the hollow and follow the signs for Sam's turkey farm } until you reach the interstate, but that way's been closed since the } bridge went out. Hmmm. } } I've got it! You might want to write this down. Take a left the third } traffic light past the main road. That's after the third light, not } *at* the third light. Oh! and there's a detour there, but don't go that } way! You'll get mightly lost for sure. Where was I? Right after the } third light. OK. Then cross the old covered bridge, and watch for mill } road. Don't take it though! Past that is new route 37, get on that... } Oh, never mind. The exit you need isn't finished yet. I guess you can't } get there from here. } } You owe the oracle some better road maps. --- 629-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who would you rather have sex with, Tonya Harding, or Nancy Kerrigan? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } GAY BLADES } } a screenplay } } by the USENET Oracle } } ACT I } } SCENE 1 } } Wide establishing shot of a dimly lit, empty ice rink, late at } night. In a series of quick cuts we see: a shelf of rental } skates; a cocoa machine; empty bleachers; a parked zamboni. } } SFX - a key in a lock, a rattling doorknob, creaking hinges, a } slamming door. } } Enter TONYA HARDING. TONYA appears out of the shadows, walking } past the rental skates and dropping a set of keys into her purse. } She is dressed in a fur-lined leather coat over a skimpy, } sequined ice-skating costume. A pair of ice skates is slung over } her shoulder. She is unhappy. } } TONYA } } [Tentatively.] } } Nancy? } } There is no reply other than her own voice, echoing off the ice. } TONYA glances around, steels herself, and sits down on a bench to } tie on her skates. Rising, she steps away from the bench and } glides onto the ice. To the strains of romantic music, she } builds speed, whirling eyes-closed into a spin. The camera } follows her, spinning with her. Music rises: _Ave Maria_. } TONYA doesn't seem to notice; she simply moves, as if } instictively, into a skating routine, graceful and sedate. The } music progresses, rising to a crescendo, and TONYA finishes the } routine, her eyes still closed. Opening them, she gasps. } } Cut to a shot from above and behind her. TONYA rises abruptly, } and we see that she is looking at NANCY KERRIGAN, watching } quietly from the edge of the rink. } } TONYA } } N- Nancy! } } [Pause. Then, more softly:] } } Nancy. It *is* you. } } NANCY } } Yes. I couldn't stay away. } } TONYA } } Are you-- I mean, is your-- } } NANCY } } It's fine. } } [Looking down, and touching her heart.] } } It was never my leg that hurt, anyway. } } TONYA } } Nancy, please, let me-- } } NANCY } } Tonya, stop. Look. I know. I know all about it. } And-- } } [Giggles a bit, tears in eyes.] } } --and believe it or not, I even understand. It was } sweet of you! It really was... I-- } } [Wipes eyes.] } } --I didn't know what was happening at first. You were } gone, gone back to Jeff, and I was so lonely, and then } the attack. } } [Looks up into TONYA'S eyes.] } } But I understand now. It was your last gift to me. } Wasn't it? You wanted to give me one last thing, and so } you gave me enough positive publicity to last me a } lifetime. No matter what happens in Lillehammer now, I } can't lose, can I? And I can still skate, too. } } TONYA } } [Looking at the ice, almost whispering.] } } It was the Oracle's idea. } } NANCY } } I thought it might have been. It has his... style. } Subtle. But Tonya-- } } [Weeping openly now.] } } Why did it have to end in the first place? } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Well, there you have it, supplicant. For the rest of the story, of } course, you're going to have to wait until the movie comes out early } next winter. But this should be enough to answer your question: I } wouldn't want to have sex with either Tonya _or_ Nancy; they both need } time to heal right now. } } Besides, ice is COLD. } } You owe the Oracle the phone number of a good agent. --- 629-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Beloved Oracle, who rubs elbows with the rich and hobnobs > with snobs, who chats up the chieftains of Industry and > powwows with the powerful, who "hoi"s the polloi and > knows those in the news, > > Not all your supplicants are nobodies like me; > some are great personages, rich, famous, and powerful. > I suppose it's against Oracular ethics for you to tell me > about some of them, the Questions they've asked and the > Answers you've given; but what the heck, I'll ask anyway: > > O Oracle, please spill the beans, please let the cat out of > the bag, please tell all! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For your excellent grovel's sake, I have decided to loosen } up on the anonymity requirements and collected some answers } for you without removing the signatures. } } Enjoy } /O } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } > YOU FARTED, HAHAHAHAHA } > } > -- } > B!FF CL!NT0N president@whitehouse.gov } > +-------------------------------------------------------------+ } > ! "Bosnia, Somalia, Iraq - They are all the same" - H.Clinton ! } > +-------------------------------------------------------------+ } > Disclaimer: What is said above may not be representative for } > the United States of America. } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } > Dear supplicant, } > Many are the likes of yourself that wish to know the } > real identities of the supplicants doing service as } > oracle incarnates. The Oracle is however based on an } > absolute anonymousity, so I'm afraid I can't "spill } > the beans.", Sorry. } > } > -- } > Beavis or Butthead bebut@harvard.edu } > ----------------------------+------------------------------ } > "Look, this video's got ! Disclaimer: The opinions } > symbols" - B ! stated above most likely } > ! applies to both Beavis } > ! and Butthead, but please } > ! do not take this for granted. } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } > A well kept secret is that it is really Elvis Presley answering } > ALL the questions instead of me, he is hooked up at his secret } > hidingplace deep inside the bowels of Randolph Hearst's "Xanadu" } > } > You owe the oracle some Paparazzi cheese. } > } > -- } > Elvis Presley king@xanadu.associated_press.com } > ------------------------------------------------------------------ } > This .sig is SECRET, you should not be reading this. } > ------------------------------------------------------------------ } > Disclaimer: The opinions stated above are those of a drug- } > addicted artist, officially dead for many years. :-) } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } > You blasphemous creature, are you suggesting that I'm not for } > real! Take This! } > } > } > } > } > } > (Lookiing at the smoking remains...) } > -"Hmm, it may still have some life left" } > } > } > } > < ZZZZZ OOO TTTTT ! > } > < Z O O T ! > } > < Z O O T ! > } > < Z O O T > } > < ZZZZZ OOO T ! > } > } > (Turns back to Lisa, a jar of K-Y Jelly mixed with } > cocaine, the electric cattle prod and the fencing } > outfit) } > } > -- } > The Pope ilpapa@palace.vatican } > -------------------------------------------------------- } > "And so much God loved the mankind as he gave them his } > most treasured friend and superior. The Pope." } > -------------------------------------------------------- } > Disclaimer: If my opinions collide with God's, } > my opinion rules on earth, his in heaven. --- 629-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and glorious Oracle, who knows rather a lot, really, > > Why is everybody looking at me like that? > > THanks, > Your most supple supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I hate to tell you this, but we're all out to get you. Myself, } your neighbors, those people you pass in the street, most of your } family, your co-workers, are all plotting against you. In fact, the } moment you stop keeping an eye on us, we're going to strike. There's } nothing personal, we just picked you because...well...we figured you } were unlikely to be missed. } The Oracle hopes you have a nice day. --- 629-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty wise Oracle, who is more > honoured than the Simpsons, > > Why do Australian power points have three > holes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Long ago I was approached by a seeker of wisdom, a young anthropology } student named Carlos Cacahuete, who had spent many years studying } mystic paths and transformations with medicine men and witches, and } who sought to enter my Priesthood to complete his training. Because } he could never master the arcane use of the ESC key in vi he was } unable to become a true Man of Humor, but before he left Indiana he } told me the story of his own quest for the secret of power points. } } "It was Don Guano who taught me how to use two-hole power points," } Carlos said. "During the early stage of my apprenticeship, I was made } to sleep in a cramped storage room in his house. It was July, and } dreadfully hot; finally I could bear it no longer. Don Guano saw my } suffering, smiled, and brought me an old, rusty electric fan. Only } then did I notice the outlet in my tiny room: its two holes matched } the two prongs of the fan plug perfectly. } } "That night I plugged in my fan and turned it on, but the blades would } not move. In the morning Don Guano simply smiled and said, 'A man of } power must know many things. To know the failings of the plug, you } must become as a plug. Come.' } } "Don Guano handed me his shovel and led me outside. About thirty feet } from his house he told me to dig two holes, shoulder width apart and } knee-deep. When done, I was to strip myself naked and stand with my } two legs in the holes and my arms raised overhead, hands clasped: in } this way I would 'be' the plug. I was to gaze at the house, } unblinking, until Don Guano called me inside--or until I had learned } what illness possessed the fan and how to purge it. } } "Morning passed, then noon. Don Guano sat on his porch drinking } pulque. He offered me none. Suddenly I felt seized by a power } beyond speaking, by a flame of pure knowledge. I passed out. When I } awoke, Don Guano was pouring a Corona on my head to revive me, } muttering mystic words in the ancient Yaqui tongue: 'Chingado } gringo, no puede tolerar un pocito de calor...' } } "'Don Guano!' I shouted. 'I know why the fan does not work! He has } been cursed by a powerful brujo who has put a demon inside!' Don } Guano merely pointed at a spot in space some twenty feet behind the } house. Curiousity overcame me, as usual. Don Guano cut off my } question: 'I am pointing at the telephone pole.' 'But honored master, } I see no pole!' 'True. For there are no electric lines between here and } Hermosillo. That is why the fan would not run. Such wisdom must one } possess who would be a man of power.' } } "I had failed my master. In humiliation, I left and returned to } California. } } "Some months later, I was walking on the lawn at UCLA when I saw a } vision I thought at first was trickery of Senor Peyote. But no: it } was a man breathing into a great tube that rested upon the ground, } never ceasing to breathe, and as he breathed out the tube spoke: } 'BwAAA-yaaa-yaaaaaaaa-BWAAAAAAAAA-yaaaaa-yaaaa-BLEAHHH-yaaa-yaaa...' } For many minutes I studied with this new master and learned of the } 'didgeridoo,' the Instrument of Power of the Australian wise men. } Suddenly, I knew what I must do to become a Man of Power. To trade my } secret Telephone Calling Card numbers for the magical instrument was a } matter of moments. } } "I flew to Australia. Long did I wander the outback seeking the spot, } my Spot of Power. Near Ayer's Rock I found it, next to an ancient } songline and a weathered sign with the mystic word 'Qantas' upon it. } This time I dug three holes: two for my legs, one for the didgeridoo. } Even as I had seen the three power-points in my hotel room in Adelaide } the first night: a design borrowed from the aboriginal shamans, who } dreamt the power that Europeans foolishly imagined they had brought. } I placed my legs in their two holes and my instrument in the other, } filled my lungs with air, and blew. } } "I was seized with vision. Power flew into me and filled me. My head } expanded and I was flying--over Ayer's Rock, then down, down into the } Dreamtime. I saw all. I knew all. } } "I awoke. A jet-black man stood over me: a shaman! He spoke a few } words of benediction in his ancient tribal tongue: 'Stupid bugger, } hyperventilatin' into a bleedin' hole in the ground...' I fainted once } more. When I awoke my didgeridoo was gone; also my wallet. It did not } matter. I knew the secret of the three power-points. No one could } ever take it from me." } } --You know the rest. How Carlos went on to write "Electric Breath," } became a multimillionaire; his 900 Dial-a-Didgeridoo line; his marriage } to Latoya Jackson. And to this day, Australians call an electric plug } a "Cacahuete" (or maybe a "billabong," I always get those mixed up). } } You owe the Oracle an extension cord.