From oracle-request Mon Dec 11 18:13:59 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.39) id SAA19406; Mon, 11 Dec 1995 18:13:59 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 11 Dec 1995 18:13:59 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199512112313.SAA19406@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #801 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 801 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #801 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 11 Dec 1995 18:13:59 -0500 (EST) @@@ HAPPY HOLIDAYS! @@@ @@@ This'll be the last Oracularities digest until after December 25 since @@@ your editor will be off the net until then. In the meantime, keep @@@ writing those Oracularities -- we'll catch up on publishing the best @@@ of them after Christmas. To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 801 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 796 95 votes 6pJh2 bmqr9 cmru4 jlzf5 3kssg jlsi9 7upr6 4pxr6 adkso 28lGm 796 3.1 mean 2.8 3.0 2.9 2.6 3.4 2.8 2.9 3.1 3.5 3.8 --- 801-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!! AHH! OH MY GOD! NO! PLEASE STOP IT! I"LL DO ANYTNING! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } {The Oracle enters the dungeon, wearing a black studded leather } jock-strap, and a large pair of comedy breasts. He is carrying a large } whip. The supplicant, a well known figure in the computer industry, is } chained to a wall. Rats scurry across the floor. The moans and groans } of the damned can be heard echoing throughout the corridors. } } } You know Bill, I could just ZOT! you, but this punishment is so much } more interesting, dont you think? } } You owe the Oracle an industrial-size drum of vaseline. --- 801-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mystical, misty Oracle, so like a cat anaesthetized upon a table, > if tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He's a rooster, son, a rooster. } } You owe the oracle an interpretive dance about the life of Pepe le Pew. --- 801-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why, oh why, is my tie in my fly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A tie, a fly, a why, he cries. } So much for the soup, so much for the crackers } And he was hoping for all sorts of cash from his backers } And the cash people walk off, thinking he's a whacker } Leaving his firewall wide open to hackers } When all that he did was miss when he zipped } After he'd gone in, done his duty and dripped } And got it stuck, walked out the door and tripped } And trying to explain, couldn't talk well and slipped } And now he has to pay for the flak } Because his boss thought he would crack } And the money people threw him off track } All because his tie got stuck } And he had such miserable luck } Now all he can say is what the... } } What the... } } Uhhh... } } You owe the oracle an appropriate rhyme for "tie". --- 801-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, whose wisdom I require: > > Well, the war has been a long and bloody one, but thanks to General > Grant, I can say that the hostilities are near their conclusions. I > have preserved the Union and managed to free the slaves. There is much > work to do, however, we must mend the tears that have ripped the fabric > of our great nation. But I do feel I deserve this one night off and so > I ask you: > > Should I go to Ford's Theater with my wife to see _Our American > Cousin_, or should I just stay home and watch _Apollo 13_ on > pay-per-view? > > Pres. Abraham Lincoln And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mr. President, } } I recommend Live Theatre for you tonight... Apollo 13's ok, about three } men stuck in a cold little box surrounded by darkness. American Cousin } on the other hand...well, I don't want to spoil it for you, other than } to day the box will have only one occupant, but rest assured the show } ends with a bang. } } (sotto voce: for *you* anyway - that'll teach you to grovel) } } You owe the Oracle some of that honesty for which you're so famous. --- 801-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, who knows when I am sleeping and when I am awake... > > My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other since the beginning > of October. She's been very nice. She's also been very naughty, if > you know what I mean. What do I get her for Christmas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle's Top Ten List for Very Nice and Very Naughty } Girlfriends: (NOTE: The Oracle believes firmly in encouraging } naughtyness in the very nice) } } 10 - Because it's been so rare lately, a complete night's sleep. } What you do in the morning, of course, is up to your imagination, } and stamina. } } 9 - To show her you've been paying attention, something of sugar and } spice and everything nice. } } 8 - A pound of hugs. And two pounds of kisses. (Let me know if you } need any helpful hints of where to apply these, though there will } be an additional charge for the additional advice) } } 7 - Satin and silk to enhance the niceness, and emphasize the } naughtyness. } } 6 - Leather and lace, see previous. } } 5 - A spanking for being naughty, and a full body massage for being so } nice. } } 4 - A moment of extreme happiness for each week you have known each } other, paying attention only to her. } } 3 - An evening of soft music, spent not sleeping before a lit } fireplace, an excellent bottle of wine, and a tasteful meal eaten } without utensils. Without rolling over and going to sleep } immediately afterwards. } } 2 - A week's complete obedience. } } 1 - A consistent set of rules for determining which behavior is naughty } and which is nice. And a day's application, with care to the } proper and appropriate correction and reward for her following } them. } } You owe the Oracle 10 new ideas for what to give Lisa for Christmas, } appropriate for the duration of relationship, and level of Oracular } giving. --- 801-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is my server hung? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Allow me to refresh your memory. Think back to that fateful night... } } [CUE flashback F/X] } } TED: Good evening, and welcome to Denny's. My name's Ted and } I'll be your server this evening. Can I start you off } with some drinks or an appitizer? } } SUPPLICANT: Just a black coffee, please. } } TED: All right, I'll be back in a few minutes to take your order. } } ORACLE: [voiceover] It seemed like a perfectly normal evening...There } wasn't the slightest indication that some of the staff at } your favorite restaurant was trying to kill you... } } TED: Are you ready to order? Do you need a few more more minutes? } } SUPPLICANT: I'll have the Chicken Fried Steak with green beans. } } TED: That'll be out in just a few minutes. Oh, here's your...coffee. } } [F/X dramatic chord] } } SUPPLICANT: Thank you. } } [SUPPLICANT starts to take a drink, but a drop of 'coffee' sloshes out } of the cup and begins to violently eat through the table] } } SUPPLICANT: [loud] ...the Hell? What is this? What are tying to do, } kill me? } } [TED appears extremely agitated, he starts to respond to the question } but then makes a sudden break for the exit] } } SUPPLICANT: Stop that man! } } [Two POLICE OFFICERS, who have been enjoying their danishes at a table } near the cash register, wrestle TED to the ground and take him into } custody] } } TED: I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for you kids } and that dog! } } BYSTANDER: Check, please. } } [F/X dissolve to...] } } ORACLE: Do you remember now, supplicant? How Ted and James (the short } order cook) tried to murder you so that they would be able to } move into your rent-controlled apartment? Do you remember the } trial, where James plea-bargained his way down to a life } sentence and Ted was given the death penalty? That is why } your server was hung! } } You owe the Oracle the movie rights. --- 801-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O powerful Oracle, > > Will my brother get better jokes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The only way your brother will get better jokes is if you take } it upon yourself to teach him some new ones. Might I suggest } the following: } } "Knock, Knock" } "Who's there?" } "Interrupting Cow" } "Interruptin......" } "MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" } } You owe the Orac..... MOOOOOOOO! (hey! stop that!) --- 801-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@hojpoj.CS.McGill.CA (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, Whose Knowledge Surpasses All Lines of Gender, Race, and > Sexual Orientation... > > I belong to a lesbian group in a small town. We would like to increase > membership and let others know we are out there who might need support. > At the same time, we'd like to be discreet and keep everyone's privacy > intact. We've discussed the idea of business cards, flyers, and ads in > gay/lesbian/bi publications. What do you think would be good ways to > promote the group and keep our confidentiality? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's easy. All you have to do to double your possible membership is let } men join. However, as this is a Lesbian group there may be some slight } teething problems with your new male members (of a different sort to } those experienced by recent female -> male sex changes I should add). } } I don't know if you're familiar with 'self-help' books for heterosexual } females, but they rely on the first principle of dealing with men. 'All } men can be dealt with if you can identify them as one of a small number } of basic types and apply complex and lengthy methods specific to that } type.' } } Ahem, the types of men you are likely to have join your group are: } } (1) The 'One Good Man And They're Cured' Type. AKA Macho Knuckleheads. } } Macho Knuckleheads will immediately be a big problem, and will start } pawing and attempting to 'turn' the female members of your club 'onto' } the supposed 'joys' of true masculinity. Of course, as we all know, any } women experiences overwhelming animal lust on seeing a true man scratch } his armpit through a hole in his shirt. Any woman who can resist that } will of course be bowled over by method number two, scratching the } crotch through a hole in the jeans accompanied by suggestive pelvic } thrusting. } } In the unlikely event of Macho Knuckleheads being the only male members } to join your club, you should arrange the seating plan as follows; } (i) Macho Knuckleheads, (ii) Black Belts, (iii) Brown Belts, and so on. } } Macho Knuckleheads can be noisy, from a variety of orifices, but can be } kept quiet for hours with simple toys such as a piece of paper with } 'please turn over' written on both sides. } } (2) The 'I'm Really Aware Of Lesbian Issues And Feel That Removing The } Sexual Question From Male-Female Relationships Can Lead To True } Friendships That I Can't Experience With Men Or Heterosexual Women'. } AKA Wimps. } } Wimps would like to join a Lesbian club to allow them the image that } they're talking to and relating to real women without the frightening } possibility of actual intimate physical contact, like holding hands. } } Should you only have Wimps attending then simply get your most butch } member to blow in their ears. Scorch marks on the carpet can be removed } with 'Carpet-Shino', but the hole in the front door will be more } difficult to fix. } } Note that some men do actually enjoy real friendships with Lesbian or } otherwise 'unavailable' women, but these men will all be out enjoying } a rich social life or eating dinner with their sister, not trying to } join Lesbian clubs. } } (3) The 'I Don't Know What 'Lesbian' Means, But This Looks Like A Good } Club To Join To Meet Women' type. AKA Boneheads. } } Boneheads should always have their membership details and specifics of } meetings sent through the post in an envelope marked 'child proof } seal'. Fortunately since only single boneheads would bother trying to } meet women, married ones being much too uncreative to consider } adultery, there are unlikely to be any children around to open it for } them. The boneheads will be once again disappointed, but unable to } figure out why. Don't worry about possible divorced Boneheads with } children. Can you *ever* imagine a bonehead winning a custody case? } } (4) The 'I Read About This 'Lesbian' Club On The Internet And Would } Like To Join' type. AKA Geeks. } } These are the easiest type. Simply collect their membership fees and } then tell them that the club meets on #lesbian-club on IRC. Since many } 'Geeks' adopt female identities on the net to try and wheedle 'girls } talk' out of real females (or more commonly other male geeks adopting } female persona) none will notice the lack of real women. On the } contrary they will be overjoyed at the huge numbers of 'women' present } who have no reservations about indulging in 'hot Lesbian sex talk'. } Geeks are a good catch for your group as, unlike most types of men who } might join, they are likely to renew their subscriptions year after } year. Some of your members might occasionally drop in on the group to } correct some of the most basic anatomical inaccuracies. } } (5) 'Princess Diana'. AKA Squidgy. } } Princess Diana isn't a man, though of course there is no shortage of } men who want to be Princess Diana. But, she does have the habit of } turning up everywhere that it is possible to turn up and your club is } likely to be no exception. Her Royal Highness should not be discouraged } due to her incredible experience at dealing with Macho Knuckleheads } such as Will Carling and Major James Hewitt. What's more she might } bring Fergie along, and Fergie knows some *really* good things to do } with toes. Not only that, but Diana, an intelligent and strong woman } (swoon!), has had such incredibly bad treatment from men that she } deserves a woman who will treat her right. } } You Owe The Oracle an extra large roll of cling film. --- 801-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most wise and wonderful, whose fatherly advice is better > than the dad's on Father Knows Best, > > My husband says I've been unusually moody and grumpy since becoming > pregnant. I keep telling him that I'm not. I'm not, I tell you! > I'M NOT MOODY!! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!!! JUST WHERE DOES HE > GET OFF... oh, pardon me. How can I convince him that I'm the same > sweet, loving wife he married? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While you're pregnant, he gets off in the bathroom. That wasn't your } main question, but you did ask, and I thought you should know. --- 801-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most omni-everything oracle, please tell me: > What is the purpose of the "x-faces" entry in several messages and > usenet posts I've read? How can I decode this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was part of the deal. If Rod Stewart wanted to marry a supermodel } twenty years his junior, then he had to find jobs for all the other } ex-members of his band, The Faces. Hence, each 'x-face' is a Steve } Marriot, Ronnie Lane, or similar. } } But, what with the ravages of time, disease, or in Steve Marriot's } case, advanced decomposition, a decoded x-face is unlikely to be a } pretty sight. } } You'd be much better off just buying their recent remastered box set, } and relaxing back while all those classic psychedelic pop songs wash } over you. } } You owe The Oracle a paisley shirt and some wrinkle pickers.