From oracle-request Thu Jan 4 09:28:27 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.39) id JAA06287; Thu, 4 Jan 1996 09:28:27 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 09:28:27 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199601041428.JAA06287@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #805 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 805 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #805 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 09:28:27 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 805 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 800 108 votes 9mBtb crvlh 4rLn7 auspf iorsb mOs44 ozph7 frvjg 5lvAf rvqg8 800 2.9 mean 3.1 3.0 3.0 3.0 2.9 2.2 2.5 2.9 3.3 2.5 --- 805-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Merry Christmas, Orrie! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } BAH! Humbug! } } You owe the Oracle a lump of plutonium. --- 805-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Narf! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pinky! How have you gotten loose again?? Those guys down at Acme Labs } (TM) sure don't know how to maintain security. } } There you are Brain! Wait...what is that you have in your hands? Point } that in the other.....*&^*&^**&& } } ...This is your Oracle. Pay no attention to the frozen deity over } there. I know everything. The time has come for me to TAKE OVER THE } WORLD. I am benevolent, but my dicipline is harsh...you must } obey...wait Pinky! don't play with that Freeze Ray... } } A)bort R)etry I)gnore? --- 805-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a serious question, which only you, in your infinite wisdom, can > answer: > > In that serious scientific news group, alt.cesium, devoted to that most > noble element, I recently saw the statement that cesium can be used > to "mutate woodchucks to over ten feet in height so that they might be > used to punch holes in the earth's crust." > > Is it true that the next US Olympic Basketball team will be entirely > composed of cesium-augmented woodchucks when they play the Olympian > Oracles? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Finally, a serious question. } } Yes, all of what is rumored is true. None of this will affect the } outcome of the Games, however. The giant woodchucks will quit during } their second match (against the 11 foot tall members of the Priesthood) } when they finally realize that the ball is not made of wood. They will } immediatly be returned to their former jobs of being fired by } superconducting cannons into the Earth's crust -- a rewarding, if } somewhat short, career. As a footnote: the Priesthood's team will play } the rest of their games without the stilts, due in part to injuries } received while being checked (sic) by woodchucks. } } You owe the Oracle a glass of milk: cholesterol to grow on (now with } BGH!). --- 805-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Elvis sitll alive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I should ZOT you for not groveling, but tolerance is a virtue, and I am } nothing if not virtuous (ahem). } } No, Elvis is no longer alive. I got so tired of all this Elvis stuff, } I went to where he was hiding, along with Morrison, Hoffa, and some } others, and killed them all myself. } } Forget them. Your life will be more pleasant, and your IQ will go up. } } You owe The Oracle a few more rounds of ammo. --- 805-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Bill Petrosky The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh sacred and glorious Oracle please tell me how I may gain > Immortality. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly. Put on those cut-off jeans, the worn ones with the holes in } the backside. Don't wear any underwear. A tight t-shirt would be nice } as well. Go down to the public library about 12:30 at night. Walk } slowly up and down the block, pause to take out a cigarette..... } } [Orrie, my dear.] } } Yes, Lisa, my little kumquat? } } [Put your glasses on.] } } Lisa, my little pomegranate, we've been through this before. I don't } need them except when... } } [Orrie! Put them on.] } } But, Lisa... } } [NOW!] } } Oh, all right. Now, please tell me why. } } [Look closely at the question, he said _immortality_] } } Oops!! Silly me. Um, cancel all that. Let's try again. } } Pick any two from this list: } } 1. Cure cancer. } 2. Find a new planet. } 3. Swim accross the English Channel sideways. } 4. Invent cholesterol free hamburgers that taste like the real thing } 5. Be the first man on Mars. } 6. Make it with Mother Theresa. } 7. Paint a moustache on the Mona Lisa. } 8. Photograph the Loch Ness monster. } 9. Outlaw obscenity on the net. } 10. Marry someone named Hillary. } } Then take two quaaludes and call me in the morning. --- 805-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderful and wise Oracle tell me how would one implement a version > of Windows TP ...... windows for telepaths ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You open the box labeled "Windows TP", carefully extracting the pouch } labeled "License Agreement". You examine the contents of the pouch, } finding an inflatable beanie bearing the Windows logo rather than the } familiar 3.5" diskette package. You inflate the beanie, insert two } "C"-size batteries (not included), and carefully place it on your head. } } You press the Start button. } } Immediately, the image of an hourglass comes to your mind. You find } yourself trapped; unable to move anything in your body save your eyes. } } After an indeterminable delay, you regain control of your senses. } You are suddenly compelled to speak your name and business affiliation. } You then retrieve your Windows TP package and chant the Product-ID } number. } } Suddenly you see the words "Windows is detecting new hardware" flash } before your eyes. } } You crash to the floor, writhing in agony. You feel every muscle in } your body contract and retract in turn. Your mind is filled with } the image of a blue inchworm, creeping slowly across a grey field. } The creature finally reaches the edge of its domain, and your seizure } ceases. You take a moment to regain your composure, and you are } reminded of your high school anatomy course as a complete listing of } every organ in your body appears before your eyes. You browse the } list for a moment, and utter the phrase "OK". After a short delay, } you hear the sound of a trumpet echo through the recesses of your mind. } } You find yourself in a large, barren space. You look around, and } discover images labeled "My Brain", "Recycle Bin, and "Set up the } Microsoft Network". You feel compelled to utter the word "Start", } after which a list of options floods your mind. Weary from the } detection phase, you utter the word "Shut down". You close your eyes, } and blackness surrounds you. You feel yourself start to drift into } sleep. Your peace is interrupted, however, as a bright orange light } invades your nothingness. "It's now safe to shut down your mind". } } You drift into unconsciousness, and sleep for several hours. } } When you awaken, you are frozen in place as you see clouds and blue } cycling colors. After a short eternity, the familiar "My Brain" } icon reappears in your mind. But something is terribly wrong; } you can feel it in your gut. Just outside the range of primary } vision, you can sense something lurking about you on all four sides. } You slowly look up, and see the word "Safe Mode" glaring back at you. } You back away slowly, swivel your head, and there it is, behind you } as well. Your heartbeat quickened and you are terrified as you turn } to your left and your right and it meets you there as well, its cold, } heartless glare filling your soul with despair. Quickly, you summon } Control Panel, System, Device Manager. You feel yourself frantically } gasping for air as you run through the list of installed devices. } You come upon "Respiratory System" and are horrified to see a black } exclamation point on a yellow field next to the entry "Lungs". } You close your eyes and utter the word "Properties". On the closed } curtains of your eyelids, you see your life flashing before your eyes. } } You force yourself to concentrate on your situation, attempting to } discover which system devices are in conflict, when suddenly your } entire body seizes up in pain. } } You lose all sense of reality. You are floating through the clouds as } you hear a voice echo through your mind: "This program has performed } an illegal operation and will be terminated." You start to black } out and suddenly you remember your situation. You stare in horror } at your blue extremities, knowing that, without oxygen, you will } not last much longer. With all the consciousness you can muster, } you force yourself... } } To reboot. } } You awaken in a place that is dark, but familiar. A solitary white } prompt on a black field greets you. You look behind you and see the } wreckage of the operating system that nearly spelled your demise. } "Cannot find a file that may be needed to run Windows". You turn } around to face the prompt, and a wide grin comes across your face. } You take a deep breath and revel in the life-giving atmosphere. } You laugh as you utter the words, } } "DELTREE WINDOWS". } } Suddenly you find yourself on the floor of your home. You find } the charred remains of the Windows TP beanie littering the floor. } You carefully gather them up, stack them neatly on an altar, and burn } them, promising yourself never to risk your life with Microsoft again. } You bury the ashes, knowing that your life is again in order. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Windows TP and Bill Gates' home address. --- 805-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I realize this is now the complete list of News Groups available } to CompuServe subscribers, Newt. } } You owe the Oracle a Mail List, since alt.humor.oracle has been banned } in Boston - er Berlin. --- 805-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle who is wiser than the old man at the top of the mountain > please ponder this ponderance------ > > As I travel around my town in this valley- > I pass companies like Apple, Intel, Norton and tally- > Here are made the top systems of the world- > Many techies play, jump, think and twirl- > Look! There goes another in a BMW so bright- > How I love to live here in the valley of light- > Surrounded by mountains, beaches and splender- > I must sit back and laugh as I ponder- > Is it Bill Gates who brings Seattle Its rain?- > Or the techies up there who make Windows a pain?- > I'll keep my Apple, so sweet and simple- > And please tell Bill gates to pop that big pimple!- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh great. One more clown from the Granola State } (consisting mostly of fruits, nuts, and flakes)! } I'm glad that you like it down in California } 'Cause there's more than rain here, I thought I would warn you... } } Bill Gates has nothing to do with the rain, } Nor anything else that makes Washington gray: } The rain predates Microsoft, clouds came before Boeing } Before Starbucks made it big, volcanoes were blowing! } The floods and the windstorms are only the icing } On a climate sun-worshipers may not find enticing! } In a place where most everyone has his own boat } They can't even keep half their bridges afloat! } This fearsome land is not for weak spirits } Tell your family and friends why they should all fear it! } Unless they like mud, snow, and big falling trees } Tell them to stay way far away (please)! } } You owe the Oracle [incarnated near Seattle] a big convertible, a pair } of sunglasses, and some suntan lotion. Never mind why. --- 805-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, who is so excellently versed > in all the ways of the world, please explain something > to me. I understand why fishing boats have sonar, so > they can find fish. But why do they also have radar? > Radar doesn't work underwater. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Flying fish. } } You owe the Oracle a Stealth haddock. --- 805-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Poor, suffering supplicant. Laryngitis was a product of the old, clunky } pre-postmodern world before computers. Now, the foremost silencer is } digit trauma. Is it carpal tunnel syndrome again? Did you break a few } knuckles messing up your brother-in-law's dental work? Did you try to } grab a falafel ball out of the deep fat fryer with your bare hands? The } Oracle, naturally, has some solutions for you. } } * Type with your nose. It's slow and inefficient, but if what you have } to say is really important, it's an option. } } * Try making chirping and chittering sounds into your modem. Just last } week I gave that advice to an infinite number of monkeys, and that } afternoon they e-mailed me the script for "Hamlet." } } * Flip your mouse over and say "Hello, computer" into it. Didn't work } for Scotty in Star Trek IV, but that was before Windows95. } } If those fail, it may be time for a healing. If Oral can do it, Oracle } can do it better! I want you to raise those poor, limp, damaged } appendages and place them up against the screen, and FEEL the power of } my omnipotence! That's right, FEEL the power, as it HEALS you and } SMITES the devil! Can I get an Amen? } } You owe the Oracle seven million dollars, or He will call you home.