From oracle-request Fri Mar 15 10:19:11 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.49) id KAA27733; Fri, 15 Mar 1996 10:19:11 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 10:19:11 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199603151519.KAA27733@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #822 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 822 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #822 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 10:19:11 -0500 (EST) @@@ Yea, verily, the spirit of the Oracle did descend unto me, and did @@@ speaketh into mine ear, @@@ @@@ "Psst, bud, why's everyone calling me the 'Usenet' Oracle? I'm @@@ bigger than Usenet. E-mail, news, the Web, FTP ... you name it, @@@ I'm there. Tell `em to call me the 'Internet Oracle'." @@@ @@@ And so it shall be done. @@@ @@@ -=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=- @@@ @@@ To celebrate the Oracle's new moniker, I'm sponsoring a contest with @@@ prizes for the two authors of the highest rated Oracularity in each of @@@ the next two digests, #823 and #824. After the votes are in on each @@@ of those digests, 5 digests later, the Oracularity's supplicant and @@@ incarnation will be offered a copy of the LifeView software collection @@@ of Internet humor, including some classic Oracularities. Also, if @@@ they wish, the winners will be announced here. @@@ @@@ The prizes are made available courtesy of Henry Cate III @@@ and Cate3's Classic Comedy [PO Box 3179; Santa @@@ Clara, CA 95055; (800)815-4335]. LifeView is a set of 3.5" floppy @@@ disks for Windows 3.1 or higher with presentation and search @@@ capabilities for about 10 megabytes of humor culled from various @@@ Usenet newsgroups over the years. @@@ @@@ Steve Kinzler To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 822 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 817 131 votes pDHk4 9lFGi 4gEIr fwzAd iCAta buszr 7uRsd 7kJGh lAzqd 77ABI 817 3.1 mean 2.5 3.3 3.6 3.0 2.8 3.3 3.1 3.3 2.8 3.8 --- 822-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what's the best place to meet someone for a profitable, long-lasting, > enjoyable relationship? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What are you in for? } } You owe The Oracle a nailfile and a bar of dark coloured soap. --- 822-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh gracious Oracle, your benevolence is astonishing, your wisdom is > astounding. I am in awe of you > > Why doesn't England just get rid of that embarrassing monarchy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is simply an example of the "Not In My Backyard" principle. Quite } frankly no one likes to have deposed or disposed of monarchies in their } backyard. Look at the trouble the US had over that Shah fellow from } Iran. In many ways, the monarchy is like a land fill site. Allow me } to enumerate: } } Five Reasons Why a Monarchy is Like a Landfill } ---------------------------------------------- } } 1. Everyone should go at least once. Otherwise you never really } believe what they look like on TV. } } 2. People are always amazed at how much stuff there is around the } place. And most of it looks old or likely to fall apart. } } 3. They usually put a big fence around and guards to keep people from } sneaking in or out. (But always ask yourself, "Who would want to?" } } 4. The goverment pretends that they control how much money goes into } one, but the truth is you give them as much money as they want just } to keep them from giving you a bad name. } } 5. Everyone thinks it's a nifty idea to have one unless they're } footing the bill or the damn thing lives too close to home. --- 822-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The correct question (to your answer, in "Jeopardy!" format) is: } What did the Buddhist monk say to the mime? } } You owe the Oracle a hearing aid. I fear I may not have heard you } correctly. --- 822-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo Oracle! > > Vinnie the Squid was visiting with the Padrone yesterday with > what appeared to be a terrible problem: he can no longer make > the nut on his payoffs. I wasn't in the room, but the word > on the street is that Vinnie was in a very bad way. The Padrone, > seeing as Vinnie is married to his wife's cousin and the fact > that Vinnie is a made man, was naturally very concerned for > Vinnie. > > Now usually, a bookie can't make the nut, he's been giving bad > odds or skimming too much and spending it on booze or drugs or, > heaven forbid, he's got troubles collecting on his debts. These > things happen sometimes and we know how to handle them. A few > boys pay a call, and debts get paid. Likewise, if it's booze > or drugs, the same boys pay a different kind of visit. Anyway, > Vinnie's been bookmaking for something like 17 years and never > had these kind of problems. Like I said, he's a made man and > very respectful to the Padrone and the family. > > So naturally, the Padrone can't understand what the problem is. > Well, it takes a while for the story to come out, but apparently > Vinnie's been on the Internet of all things and is trying to > expand his business. It all looks good for a couple of months until > he starts getting the most amazing bets made by some guy called > Orrie. 100 to 1 odds. 500 to 1 odds. Simply amazing bets. > > But you know, this Orrie guy, he knows his stuff. He always wins. > And poor Vinnie, he tries to keep up with it for a while but he > figures the guy's on a streak and he takes one last bet to try to > catch up for all the payoff's he's been making. > > Well, you know the rest of the story. At any rate, it turns out > the Padrone's connected, right? He's HEARD of this Orrie guy. It > turns out he goes way back. He had some kind of scam going on in Italy > a while back. Get this: the guy's omniscient. He KNOWS how the bets > are gonna turn out BEFORE they happen. > > So, the Padrone, on the account of Vinnie being married to family > and all, takes on the debt. Vinnie owes him a small favor but that's > another story. The Padrone calls me into his office, explains the > situation, and asks me personally to come talk to you. > > What it comes down to is that the Padrone would like you to forget > about the money. It's a family thing. You do this favor for the > Padrone and some day the Padrone does a favor for you. I'm sure > an omniscient guy like you can understand. > > Whaddaya say? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In fact, The Oracle was performing a service for his friend the } Padrone, by showing him that this gnocchi-for-brains Vinnie the Squid } should not be allowed to make book, 'cause he was too soft on the } suckers. If Vinnie had had the ounce of sense that Dio gave to a } pesce, Vinnie would have tried to muscle up this "Orrie" for his } system. (Of course it would'nt have worked, but you see my point.) } Tell Mr. Graciella, uh, I mean "Mr. Smith" that the debt is forgiven, } with no harm done. (Besides, The Oracle has plenty of money for the } moment, been having some fun with selling short calls on the options } exchange, you should see the SEC squirm!) } } You owe the Oracle nothing, just take your horse's head and leave. --- 822-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (test) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the sky really blue? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's recovering from an unhappy love affair. --- 822-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, who is quite simply super-duper smart > > I was reading in this book I found in my hotel room about three wise > men who brought gifts to a baby in a manger. You were not mentioned by > name, but I assume you were one of these wise men and I was wondering > which gift you brought the baby? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That book in the hotel room doesn't tell the whole story. } } In actual fact, there were FOUR wise men. Yes, I was the fourth. } But I didn't go traipsing in with those other guys with their gold, } frankincense, and myrrh. I waited till they'd gone, and then persuaded } the baby's mother that the kid had no earthly use for that kind of } rubbish, and she'd be much better off if she traded them to me in } exchange for a dozen packages of disposable diapers. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the original King James edition, before } that bit got taken out. --- 822-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Huh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I SAID, "THAT'S NOT WHERE THE SUPPOSITORY GOES". --- 822-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great, all-powerful, politician-squashing Oracle: > > The voices is my head left me recently, and I've been lonely without > them. I've asked in the lost and found departments of several > stores, but the salespeople just stared at me. How do I get my voices > back? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, please tell me you have checked the classified ads } already? Everybody knows that voices usually apply for work there. } Here's a few I took from my morning copy of Delphi Times. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } DEEP THROATY VOICE seeks head to occupy and lavish with words of } self-loathing and doubt. Is good with angst, dejection, pain, } misery and small animals. No smokers. 555-2626 } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } SMALL, WHIMPERING NASAL TONE desires young child's head to reside } within and suggest interesting ways to seek revenge against the } local oppressors. Extensive firearm and power tool knowledge } available, leave message at 867-5309. } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } SPIRIT OF A LONG DEAD ANCIENT CHINESE GOD seeks mortal to } reincarnate within to resume the plans for domination of mankind. } Am good with lightning and tsunamis. We'll contact you. } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } VOICE OF REASON, recently deposed from previous housing, looking } for person with doubt to help soothe anxieties and guide in life. } Past experience and resume available upon demand. Leave voicemail } at 411-7734. } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle 25 cents for the paper. --- 822-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Had your name changed huh? > > Who are you trying to hide from? :) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Um, no. } I think you have the wrong guy, actually. } I'm me. Always have been. } Check my papers. They're all in order. } Honest. } It's just a hobby of mine to turn my head fast when I hear the name } Harvey. No name changes. Not at all. } You can even check my Omnipotent Oracle job application; it's on file. } Really. } Trust me. } } You owe the Oracle a better Witness Relocation Program. --- 822-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, please tell me where in the holy Cyber does February > 29 hide during 1997.1998, and 1999? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As the Oracle is sure you know, compression techniques have been } dramatically improved over the last few years. We can now store what } used to take up gigabytes on megabytes, and so on. What is happening } to February 29th, is that it's only allowed to be uncompressed every } four years, otherwise the calendar runs out of space, and time comes to } a standstill. It's still there the rest of the time, just compressed } down to 24 nanoseconds between February 28th and March 1st. } } You owe The Oracle a month of Sundays.