From oracle-request Tue Mar 26 12:30:42 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.49) id MAA16632; Tue, 26 Mar 1996 12:30:42 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 26 Mar 1996 12:30:42 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199603261730.MAA16632@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #824 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 824 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #824 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 26 Mar 1996 12:30:42 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 824 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 819 115 votes gnzz6 wxCa2 8cqKn 9GNe1 6kMub 8rutl gtDq5 6pCyc fdxpt 1hHBh 819 3.1 mean 2.9 2.3 3.6 2.6 3.2 3.2 2.8 3.2 3.3 3.5 --- 824-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: <@ig4.att.att.com:m.scott.forbes@lucent.com> The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, please tell me who I am. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm still working on _what_. --- 824-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most definatly do, but only on odd seconds, and 3 times apiece. } If the pangalatic gargleblasters get in the way, I can take care } of them. Use only 72% muna hydrotic sulfate, and atleast .06% } lonnietort zilchwat. Also, on alternate uses, use 5.3% cendrel zornk, } replacing the 5.3% xeron alcow. When finished, be sure to remodulate } the plasma coils and such, and cover up your work with a tuzkwalp } mortinoodle (TM). After the deed is done, please inichiate the } selfdestruct system, as to prevent all things such as hidden Querena } Alpha cameras and its like, but use your special oracle-manufactored } joquer lemur escape module. That should do it. As for your other } questions, no, I do not keep hungry walruses in my cumquat salad, } yes, dead penguins of the Beta Loreta galaxy are great for the game } of pwomart, and finally, only sometimes do telephones spontaniously } try to strangle republican canidates. --- 824-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh gratest of all great oracles, would you happen to know another > listserver adress that had "letteman's top ten" list on them? I tried > listserv@listserv.clark.net and they do not have that list any more. > I also can't use the www so any adress you give me there will not help. > Thank you oh great oracle for your help and time. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why bother with that gap-toothed New Yorker, when you can get top ten } lists from yours truly? I have produced classics like 137-05, 308-03, } 393-05, 568-01, and 569-10! Now, here's one more for you: } } TOP TEN REASONS THE INTERNET ORACLE BEATS THE PANTS OFF LETTERMAN } ---------------------------------------------------------------- } 10. They were on fire. } 9. Supplicant grovels are way more entertaining than stupid people } tricks. } 8. I'm smart enough to not let Madonna in in the first place. } 7. My band can play symphonic music. } 6. I don't have to negotiate with television networks. } 5. Indiana is a MUCH nicer place than New York. } 4. I have bulging muscles. Need I say more? } 3. Women adore me (see #4). } 2. My language is not limited by any @#$*%?! broadcast code (just a } @#$*%?! Internet Decency Act). } } And the #1 reason I beat the pants off of David Letterman is: } } 1. *I* am funny! } } You owe David Letterman a tube of tooth-gap filler and some better } writers. --- 824-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle so good and wise > hear my plaintive, puny cries. > I have no sense of smell, you see > and here is what that means to me. > > I can clean up cat poop quick, > there are no smells that make me sick. > The trouble is I can not cook. > I have to follow close the book. > > I love my husband lots, you see > and want to feed him treats from me. > but guessing spices is my fate > which risks disaster on a plate. > > Food is all consistency > at least it seems that way to me. > Crunchy, soft, complex or plain, > to me most flavors are the same. > > Oh Oracle who knows it all > (I know this is an order tall). > How can this poor girl learn to make > feasts of food for her poor mate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I know full well, dear scentless one, } a gourmet kitchen's hard to run. } It's not the proper place to be } when taste's a scarce commodity. } } If in other ways he can be pleased, } you could just feed him MREs, } but if you can't, here are some tips } to satisfy your husband's lips: } } Above all else, ask what he wants. } He may not care for elephants. } He may prefer a steak or ham } or might despise the taste of yams. } } The color is important too } especially if it's something new. } His response won't be surprising } If it looks unappetizing. } } Start with things you know he likes } and serve just one new dish each night. } That way, your hubby's satisfied } no matter what strange thing you've tried. } } These little hints should help a bit } to keep your fella's taste buds lit. } If it doesn't work, as a last resort } buy Tabasco by the quart. --- 824-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@cs.mcgill.ca The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr, Oracle, sir, > > I've been really, really bored lately. I mean we're talking some > serious boredom here. I'ts like I'm just tired of everything in life. > Nothing excites me like it used to. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TOP ONE-HUNDRED FIFTY THINGS TO DO WHEN BORED } (in no particular order) } } Quit your job. Learn to ski. Make a snowman. Eat some turkey. Run } a marathon. Play "Marathon." Take a shower. Shake a tower. Play a } game. Play a wild game. Play with wild game. Make a lintman. Fold. } Spindle. Mutilate. Throw pencils at the acoustical tiles. An } "askme." Ten "askmes." A hundred "askmes." Make a spamman. Learn } Bourne shell. Learn Korn shell. Learn elisp. Learn TECO. Port } "wordstar" to a Cray. Port "pong" to a SGI. Procrastinate. } Prognosticate. Procreate. Proliferate. Proportionate. Write a new } operating system. Market it. Piss off Bill Gates. Date a girl. } Carbon-date a girl. Date a boy. Twister! (a Milton-Bradley game). } Eat some Jello. Trek Classic. Trek: The Pepsi Generation. Take a } drink everytime Wesley saves the ship. Nurse your hangover. } Contemplate your navel. Comprehend Andy Rooney. Rhyme with "orange." } Lambada! Sing the lyrics to "Gilligan's Island" to the music of } "Stairway to Heaven." Write a complex simulation game where Sylvester } Stallone and Douglas Hofstadter battle each other for domination of } the universe. Market it. Piss off Bill Gates again. Compare apples } and oranges. Circle the square. Square the circle. Solve the } four-color map problem. Explain "SeaQuest DSV." Rent a movie. Buy a } movie. Wonder why you buy movies when renting them is good enough. } "Classic Transformers." Enjoy it. "Transformers Generation 2." Toss } your cookies. Kill Garfield. Kill President Garfield (time machine } required). Throw water balloons. Throw syrup balloons. Throw } concrete balloons. Eat some pizza. Make some money. Work. Play. } Be a dull boy. Drink no tea. Play NetHack 'till you have a "Hack } attack." Even more "askmes." Join in the "UNIX" vs. "NT" flamewars. } Join in the "Smalltalk" vs. "C++" flamewars. Join in the "Big-endian" } vs. "Little-endian" flamewars. Join in the "Usenet Oracle" } vs. "Internet Oracle" flamewars. Get first aid. Rollerblade. Sex. } Drugs. Rock-n-roll. Listen to rock-and-roll while stoned on drugs as } you have sex on rollerblades. E-mail. IRC. AOL (Just kidding). Swim } to Japan. Did we suggest: Lambada! Ice hockey. Street hockey. } Cottage cheese hockey. D&D. R&R. S&M. P&Q. Read a book. Book a } trip. Trip a man. Man a ship. Ship a package. Fed-Ex yourself to } Lithuania. Find the "real" murderer. Watch your TV. Kill your TV. } Home Shopping Network!!! Run down the street, naked except for a pair } of ruby slippers, yelling, "Toto! Toto!" Let's all sing the Skittles } Song! Monty Python. Monty Hall. Dress up as your favorite character } from "Friends." Dress up as your favorite character from } "Superfriends" (Form of... an ice jet!). Start an argument. Change } sides. Giggle uncontrollably. Stretch. Get a back massage. Give a } back massage. Give a *yick* foot massage. Denny's run! Drive your } car. Drive your karma. Call up Lamar! Alexander and ask if "Lou Zer" } is there. Go see "Ice Capades." Fire drill. Earthquake drill. } Asteroid drill. Ice-age drill. Pat-Buchannon-becomes-President } drill. Yet more "askmes!" Run. Skip. Jump. Hopscotch. Drink } scotch. Find a Scotch. Find out what's under that kilt. Find out if } a guy in a bear suit can get a hug from a New York cabdriver. Scream } for ice cream. Eat all thirty-one flavors. Crank calls. Disneyland! } Top Ten lists. Top One-hundred-fifty lists. Count the number of } times the word "Ice" has appeared in this list. Make sure there are } actually one-hundred fifty items here. Turn off the computer. Enjoy } life. --- 824-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O overrated Oracle, > > When the swallows return to San Capistrano, do they bring anything with > them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TOP 10 THINGS THE SWALLOWS OF SAN CAPISTRANO BRING WITH THEM: } 10: A PowerBook 5300c, equipped with a cellular modem for those urgent } latnight Usenet Oracle queries. } 9: One word: (actually, two) Cheez Whiz. } 8: A radio, to listen to the rantings of their favorite AM radio } personalities. } 7: _People_ magazine, to read on pit stops. } 6: Heavy artillery. Don't mess with *these* birdies... } 5: Anti-cat weaponry. } 4: _Garfield_ books (see #7). } 3: Boots with insulated soles (and you always wondered how they could } safely sit on power lines). } 2: Sweaters. It can get *real* cold there in Capistrano. } AND THE #1 THING THE SWALLOWS BRING IS... } 1: Their teddy bears! } You owe the Oracle a true love. --- 824-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Powerful Oracle, whose knowledge knows the limits of the known > Universe because you Know All, please explain a vexing problem to me; > > I keep an open soda on my desk, right next to my computer and is > sheilded from attack on two sides. Why is it, then, whenever someone > uses my phone, which, by the way, I do not like them doing, my soda > gets spilled on top of useless documents? > > These documents are there just for the express purpose of catching > spilled sodas. They look important in the hopes that people will > realize that maybe they should not get soiled and be a little bit more > careful around my desk. Obviously, this is not the case. Please tell > me why this does insist upon occuring much more often than I deem > necessary, and what further steps must I take to prevent this from > occuring in the future? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant: } } You obviously fail to understand the quantum effects of all the } electrons racing around inside your computer. The movement of all these } particles warps space and also creates an inverse probability field } which allows certain improbable events to become not only likely, but } certain: } } 1) Sodas placed in the vicinity of the computer will undoubtedly spill } and the soda will be attracted to the most important documents, the } irreplaceable data disk, the keyboard, and even manage to enter your } disk drives. If it is hot coffee, it will undoubtedly fall into your } lap. } } 2) Call waiting will only activate in the middle of essential downloads } and will only disconnect you when a someone else calls in and hooks } directly into your account without a password. They will find and } download your love letters to your significant other, and will post } them to Usenet. } } 3. Cigarette ashes will always fall into your keyboard or on to } unprotected disks. } } 4. Power surges will always occur when your computer is writing to your } file allocation table. } } 5. If you drink flamable alcoholic beverages..stay away! They are } attacted to your power supply and will cause a nasty fire. } } This is why you are forbidden to eat, smoke, or drink in most } professional computer installations...now you know why. --- 824-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (Otis Viles) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the meaning of life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Meaning of Life FAQ } ------------------- } Created by The Internet Oracle } Created: 4004 BC } Last updated: 25th March 1996 } } Q: How can I discover the meaning of life? } A; Search for it. } } Q: Is the answer 42? } A: No. } } Q: Does it have anything to do with Monty Python? } A: No. } } Q: Is there a Web site I can browse? } A: Yes, but it only contains pictures of nude women. } } Q: Is the answer within me? } A: No, grasshopper. If you look within you, you'll only find bones, } blood and guts and stuff. Not very attractive and very messy. } } Q: Will it help if I read the Bible, Torah, Koran, Tripitaka, Ramayana, } Bagavad-gita, Khorda Avesta, Necromnicon or other book? } A: Probably not, but it will keep you off my back for a while. } } Q: Has anyone ever discovered the meaning of life? } A: Yes, of course I have. } } Q: Please tell me. } A: No. } } Q; Awwwww.... go on, please? } A: Oh okay, ask away. } } Q: What is the meaning of life? } A: Read the FAQ. } } Q: While I'm here, is there life elsewhere in the Universe? } A; Yes. } } Q: Does this explain Illinois? } A: No. } } You owe the Oracle --- 824-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > so what do ya think? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think I'm overworked. I think that by and large, supplicants } are getting far too flippant these days. I think it's a royal } shame that Pat Buchanan didn't win the Republican presidential } nomination - that election would have been SO entertaining! I } think the cheese omelet I had for breakfast was a mistake. I } also think the milk was sour. I think I'll fire the cook if } this happens again. I think it would be nice if people would } just shut up about my recent name change. I think it's MY name, } and I'll do what I like with it. I think "potted meat food } product" is scary. I think it only gets worse if you actually } read the list of ingredients. I think some people ask me } questions which are entirely too vague. I think a nice, hot } bath would be nice, except I think that if I were to take such } a bath, it would be constantly interrupted by a stream of } overanxious supplicants. I think the curtains are getting a } bit old. I think I'll have the living room redecorated. I } think it should be blue this time around. I think I'll have to } get new furniture to make that work. I think the old stuff } will be OK in the den. I think the priests would appreciate } the things that are in the den now. I think the cheese omelet } was a REALLY big mistake. I think I've rambled on far too long. } I think I've got to go now. } } You owe the Oracle a penny for his thoughts. --- 824-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whodunit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was forged through an illegal beta of Netscape and posted from a } two-bit ISP in Chicago, through an anonymous remailer, through the } cypher-punks list, to a nonexistent account in Connecticut. The } message was bounced from there, with a fake header, to an FTP-Usenet } gateway in Norway, where it caused a short file, containing a WinWord } macro virus, to be sent to root@whitehouse.gov. } } When the file was opened the virus forced MS Mail to send PGP-signed } messages to various directors of the CIA, who sent it down to several } operatives countrywide, and the cat did it, I think. } } It tends to get edgy in the dark. } } You owe the Oracle a packet sniffer.