From oracle-request Mon Jun 3 08:33:23 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.51) id IAA07744; Mon, 3 Jun 1996 08:33:23 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 08:33:23 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199606031333.IAA07744@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #836 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 836 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #836 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 08:33:23 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 836 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 831 120 votes dNwk6 fEKe5 ervvh 8pByg euFr8 39NBm fpEv9 awyya 8hAAn 6yNq5 831 3.0 mean 2.6 2.6 3.1 3.2 2.9 3.5 3.0 3.0 3.4 2.9 --- 836-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Psychologically Stable Oracle, please help me out. This morning I > was happily getting ready to go to school, when my wife screamed, > "AAAAUUUGGGHHH!!! There's a dead Beatle on the kitchen floor!" > > Now, naturally, I assumed she was talking about John (he being the only > dead one so far), so I went running. When I got there, not only was > John's decomposing body NOT on our kitchen floor, but she was pointing > at some squished bug and begging me to get rid of it, apparently having > forgotten all about John. Is my wife losing it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have no fear, she is not losing it. That "squashed bug" was in } fact one of the many reincarnations of John Lennon since his } unfortunate demise. Being such a talented individual, he has made } his mark in many forms of life. And no, I don't just mean the mark } on your kitchen floor. Fellow insects regarded this particular } Beatle with great respect, since it composed some of the highest } forms of insect music ever chirped. Among the lyrics of this fine } beatle were: } } "Yesterday, it was so easy to fly away, now they closed } the window woe is me, they'll open it again one day?" } } "We all live in the yellow wallpaper, } just underneath that bit, } where it's peeled away." } } "She's got a cricket to crawl, and she's ok." } } "Strawberry picnics, this is unreal, } something to get stuck about, strawberry picnics forever." } } "Roll up! Roll up - means the swatter's here!" } } Alas it never got to write classics such as "Jealous Fly" because } your wife stepped on it. --- 836-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > echo "I'm a tiny tiny thing" > echo "Ever flying in the spring" > echo "Round and round a ringaring." > echo "Long ago I was a king" > echo "Now I do this kind of thing. " > echo "On the wing, on the wing! " > echo "Bing! " > echo " Joyce " And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm glad that I will never see } A UNIX style of poetry } The #includes that I attach } Checking that my '"'s match } The cryptic text of all my betters } With titles formed from just two letters } But run "vi", give it a bash } 50 words, and then a ... } } /usr/games/Joyce: segmentation violation (core dumped) --- 836-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, > > When are you and Lisa going to settle down and have a slew of > little Orrie's and Lisa's? > > Your Humble Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's all I need - teenagers who really do know everything. } } You owe the Oracle some deity-proof birth control. --- 836-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderful Oracle, to whom I cannot begin to grovel > properly: > > Many a time in your words to us, I see questions which > #include > Now this may be fine for an all knowing being such as yourself, but > those of use who are but slime underneath your toenails, we are not > gifted enough to fathom this great library of grovels. Will you > spare a worthless spitball such as myself the grace of knowing what is > in this file? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This mystical file (which only exists on certain machine } configurations) is used to assist in replying more efficiently to the } numerous requests received. The full scope of such texts is not for } the eyes of mere supplicants such as thyself, but you have persuaded me } to enlighten you to a small portion of it...behold! } } /********** } - standard include file for Oracle inquiries } Version 0.2a } **********/ } } #include } #include } #include "dry_witticisms.h" } } #ifndef ASLEEP } } #ifdef WOODCHUCK } #define ZOT } #endif } } #ifdef CLUELESS } #define EXTRA_SARCASM } #endif } } /* Is the supplicant truly worthy of a response? */ } #ifdef SUFFICIENTLY_GROVELLING } } #define RESPOND mail oracle@cs.indiana.edu } } int generate_response(char *); } char * generate_clever_payment(char *); } } #endif } } #endif } } You owe the Oracle a new and improved preprocessor. --- 836-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracular wonderful Great: > > Why is the paper so green, the sky so mixed-up, the trees so white, and > me so green? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the days before digital scanning equipment, primitive } tribesmen would wander the plains of the pre-postindustrial } wastelands with optical recording instruments. These } tribesmen rendered their images first in an oddly reversed } view on a thin transparent film and called it a negative. } They then used processes arcane and diabolical to turn } these into pictures similar to what you get on a high } resolution monitor (although it was more like a screen } capture than an imaging device.) The artifact you hold } in you hands is one of these proto-pictures and was undoubtably } produced by such an antique. } } You owe the Oracle nude .GIFs of Ansel Adams --- 836-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle who knowest all in time and space: > > I have to give a presentation on Managing Time in Geographical > Information Systems in a little over an hour and, as usual, I am under > prepared. What can I do in the remaining time to give my presentation > that extra sparkle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To give your presentation a little more sparkle, you could always use } fireworks, but pyrotechnics usually requires a license, and that would } take too long. } } Have you considered accelerating your presentation to the speed of } light? You would be blue-shifted, but everyone would think that your } presentation was taking too long, because of the time dilation. You } could always accelerate your audience to the speed of light, in which } case, they would experience a red-shift, and rightly so, because } they'd be angry since they thought they missed your presentation, } which was infinitely short. } } Oops, you might have to travel to the 24th century before you find the } right time machine. } } You owe the Oracle a smart Time Machine that doesn't have a Microsoft } sticker on it. --- 836-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are all products from Gateway 2000 decorated with > large cow spots? Do the Gateway marketing people think > lots of cow spots = good quality? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Gateway people are mad. They were driven to madness by paranoia. } They were driven to paranoia by caffeine. They were driven to caffeine } by having to work late hours, so they can pay their bills and fill the } gaps in the walls, the gaps that let the evil flying insects which they } can't see when they turn the lights on, but they fly around their } heads, buzzing at them, mocking them and their dreams. If only they had } smaller heads, they could fit easier into the empty Dealer Copy of } Windows boxes which they cut holes out of so they can see without being } vulnerable. Now look at them, they're practically living in a prison } and the insects are taunting them in tiny insect voices which can } hardly be heard over their scared, beating hearts. } } You owe the Oracle a hammerdrill, dammit, and some liquid rubber fizz. --- 836-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If Toy Matinee is such a good band, why has nobody ever heard of > them?? It just doesn't make any sense... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It doesn't make sense until you look at it logically. You see, in order } for many people to hear about Toy Matinee, other people must tell them } about the band. In order for many people to go around telling others } about the band, they must think the band is good. } } So you see, the trick is to get the largest number of people thinking a } band is good. Unfortunately, the tastes of consumers form a bell-curve. } In other words, a few people appreciate really good things, a few } people prefer worthless things, but most people like mediocre things. } } Success then, depends not on creating the absolute best product, but } rather in creating a product that most closely matches the tastes of } the largest number of people. Such a product, by definition, will be } neither good nor bad, neither dull nor inspiring, neither stupid nor } clever, and neither useless nor completely useful. } } Successful enterprises like Microsoft, The Gap, Hootie and the } Blowfish, McDonald's, and every major Hollywood studio know this } principle well. } } And so does this particular incarnation. Oracularities, here I come! } } You owe the Oracle a Ford Taurus station wagon and a copy of TV Guide. --- 836-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, > > How did Ceri get such a tight perm? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You again? You're fixated on this Ceri person, you know. That's } unhealthy. } } As for your question, if you carefully study the small of her back you } will find a small rheostat which can be moved in either direction from } "Gentle Wave" to "Velcro". This may be set too far to the right - } consult your technical manual for details. Later models (Version 3.1 } and higher) have this controlled internally. You are advised to call } qualified service personnel before attempting an adjustment. } } You owe the Oracle a remote control for his girlfriend. --- 836-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ifthenelse And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahh, Spring, when a young mans fancy turns to conditional statements. } The elegance of a finely turned condition, the blood surging at } the daring use of Boolean Logic, the jump in the step. Of course, } different languages have different variants, such as unless, whenever, } while, until... Heady stuff. Try not to get carried away. } } You owe the Oracle a truth table, and a falsehood couch.