From oracle-request Fri Jul 5 16:33:47 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.56) id QAA16492; Fri, 5 Jul 1996 16:33:47 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 16:33:47 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199607052133.QAA16492@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #843 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 843 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #843 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 16:33:47 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 843 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 838 115 votes adCJ9 kwxl9 jwBgb 2fDKd 4fvLi cgAyh 6cvBt bqxlo dCDh8 7ixDi 838 3.2 mean 3.3 2.7 2.7 3.5 3.5 3.2 3.6 3.2 2.7 3.4 --- 843-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I find a bank that will accept a spell check? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Any of the following banks would appear to be prime candidates: } } Banque de Qeubec } US Truss } Bank of Amerika } Credit Susse } Bacno Itailano } Deutscche Kommerzzbank } Bank of Englan } Chemical New ork } your own pigy bank } } You owe the Oracle a money check. --- 843-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh very powerful and slightly weird Oracle, something strange happened > to me recently. > > I apparently annoyed one of your Incarnations, and she sent me the > following impressive display of pyrotechnics: > > } > } ZZZZZZZZZZ OOOO TTTTTTTTTT > } Z O O T > } Z O O T > } Z O O T > } Z O O T > } ZZZZZZZZZZ OOOO T > } > > Although there are some superficial structural similarities, this > does not actually appear to be an authentic ZOT. What manner of > special effect does it designate? How does it compare with a ZOT > in potency? And how would you pronounce it? > > Please do not send me an authentic ZOT for comparison. I've > received several already, and have no wish to repeat the experience. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is a Microsoft ZOF(tm). As you noticed, it has remarkable } similarity to an Oracular (tm), but when you get right down to } it, it's nothing but a cheap, ineffective copy. } } You owe the Oracle a successful lawsuit against Microsoft. --- 843-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whatever became of the infamous New Zealand brothers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To make this easier, I'll just break it up brother by brother: } } John - the first to leave, due to the pressures of touring. Became a } monk. Died while meditating; this was believed to have happened } sometime in March of 1992, but nobody's really sure, since all those } who saw him just thought he was still meditating. } } Michael - now lives with wife in Springfield with two daughters, a son, } a cat and a dog. Works at local nuclear power plant. } } Aaron - died of drug overdose in his bathroom at home in Nashville; } fans all over North America claim he is not really dead, and have } reported sightings of him at ice cream parlors and convienience stores; } religion has formed around these sightings. } } Bob - assassinated by mentally disturbed fan while coming out of a } hotel with his wife. } } John (the other one) - disappeared on drinking binge with friends; } claim he was abducted by a UFO. } } Gary - shortly after the breakup, he sailed out to prove that the world } is really flat and was never heard from again. The Flat Earth Society } has erected a monument to him in Davis, California. } } Rex - became international drug lord. Whereabouts are unknown. } } Darol - worked as an engineer with Pacific Bell; quit a few years ago } to draw a cartoon based on his experience with corporate America as a } lowly cubicle worker. } } Zachary - supposedly commited suicide recently. However, "suicide note" } only mentioned suicide in a different pen color then the rest of the } note; extremely eccentric wife suspected. } } Bobby - became Internet phreak. Repeatedly sent woodchuck questions to } Internet Oracle; was **ZOT**ted out of existence. } } There you have it. There is rumor of a reunion, but hopes are not } exceptionally high. --- 843-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ok, you said if I resigned from the Senate, you would tell > me who to choose for Vice-President. So who is it? > > -Bob And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dennis Rodman. } } Best to take him now while he's still undecided about his own future in } basketball. } } Trust me. Perfect combo. And you get a popular African American to } show just how racially tolerant you are. } } You owe me nothing... this one's on me, Bob. --- 843-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most myserious and higly addictive Oracle > who knows 'bout prime time too... > > Will agent Mulder ever get in Dana Sully's bed in X-files > or would that be paranormal activity for FBI? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't hold your breath. It's X-Files, not XXX-Files. --- 843-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > No message body; hope that's ok. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle replies: } } " ! , , and } . " --- 843-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me !! Almighty Oracle !! > > What is the meaning of life ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Welcome to Life V7.0 product support. Please hold. } } (Elevator music version of "Inna-gadda-da-vida" plays for several } minutes.) } } Press 1 for a bug report on version 7.0 of Life. Please listen } to this if you have not previously done so. } Press 2 for information on Life 8.0 beta. } Press 3 for frequently asked questions about Life. } Press 4 for information about the availability of Life on } other planets. } } (Supplicant presses 1 for a bug report, since it sounds } important.) } } The following bugs have been reported in version 7.0 of Life: } } -Puberty (This includes acne, awkwardness, voice changes, etc.) } -Various incompatibilities between sexes } -Man's inhumanity to man } -Gall bladders } -Death } } (Supplicant gets bored and presses 3 for the frequently } asked questions, in an attempt to find the meaning of life.) } } Please enter your product registration number. } } (Supplicant realizes he does not have one and instead } enters random digits.) } } You did not enter a valid registration number. This number } is obtained by all people who own Life 7.0. } I'm sorry, but only people who have a life may ask questions. } } (Dial tone.) --- 843-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most fantastic, > Can you recite for me the verse entitled "The Supplicant and the > Incarnation"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, of course I know the entirety of that great verse "The } Supplicant and the Incarnation" being omniscient and all, however, if I } may say so it is a rather boring piece, consisting rather heavily of } insistent groveling on one side and numerous zots on the other. So! } What I am going to do for you today is demonstrate my new wonderful } Versification Machine (tm) which merely requests that you input the } various subjects and verse form and shall return in moments a wonderful } work of art heavy in symbolism and all other good things like that. } Without further ado...the Machine!!! } } Editor's Note: It should be noted at this point that a large machine } has been rolled in by numerous small greasy white things, presumably } supplicants that have asked the woodchuck question. Occasionally one of } them is caught going too slow and is crushed beneath the machine's } great wheels..no great loss. The machine itself is covered with many } blinking lights and a small slot at the very bottom. The crew of the } old Star Trek would feel right at home with this machine. } } Ok Machine, let's get to work. I'm feeling saucy today, so I } would like a verse with both a Supplicant and an Incarnation, done } in..hmm..limerick form please. } } (The machine groans and growls, shudders, and the lights blink at } an insane rate, finally a small piece of white paper springs out of the } slot at the bottom.) } } Ok, let's see what we have here.. } } There once was a lady from Tunsch } Who had her family for lunch } She munched Dad's ribs } BBQ sauce for the kids } and washed it all down with Mom Punch } } What?!? No! No! No! Not "Sustenance and the Relations"! Perhaps } the limerick form is too difficult. Let's try this again, eh? Machine!! } I would like a verse with both a Supplicant and an Incarnation done in } a wonderful song form. Now! } } (Once again the machine shakes and shudders, lights blinking in a } fair imitation of any techno club. If you look closely you can almost } see oil running down its brow. Finally a small piece of white paper } springs out from the bottom. The Almighty Oracle grabs the piece of } paper, looks over it, falls apart in a fit of red-faced rage.) } } In A White Supplicant (And a Pink Incarnation)?!?!?! That's it. } Worm #2, go get the copy of..(dramatic pause)..Windows 95. We'll show } this machine the meaning of pathos the hard way. } } (The machine falls apart in a fit of depression, crushing many } small white things.) } } You owe the Oracle a book of poetry and an apology to Stanislaw } Lem --- 843-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There's always a question for a theoretical Oracle, at least in theory. > Possibilities are many. > > How can I explain my dog the quantum theory of *takyons* ? Neutrinos > it fairly understands, the little particles with no mass nor electrical > chaege. But takyons, how can anything have imaginary mass and speed > always greater than light speed? It's said that light speed is the > top speed only in our short distances and gravitation-curved universe. > What are you, takyon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All subatomic particles were originally created for Star Trek. } Let me explain. } } Photon torpedoes are a completely false creation. } Positronic networks are only of the imagination. } } Antimatter containment fields will never really exist. } Believing in subspace is something one must resist. } } Takyon pulses are one hundred per cent faked. } Distortions in the space-time continuum are half-baked. } } And please have no faith in the ship's warp core. } Star Trek is what these were all created for. } } The speed of light stretches above like a tower. } I'm afraid we will always be stuck with impulse power. --- 843-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We find our hero, The Internet Oracle, in the bedroom with a beautiful > young blonde. They both have very large smiles. > > "Orrie darling, this has been the best time I've had in my life, > and well, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry." > > "Sorry for what?" > > "This!" Faster than it takes to blink, she grabs the Oracle's Staff > Of Zot and moves out of reach. The door bursts open and three large > thugs seize the Oracle. The Oracle, without his Staff Of Zot, is > quickly overpowered. > > "Well, Mr. Oracle, I have you at last." Now standing in the doorway > is an elderly gentleman with an eye patch over his left eye. > He carries with him a woodchuck, which he strokes constantly as > he talks. He grins evilly and continues, "Since you are immortal, > I know I cannot kill you, but I think that encasing you in concrete > and throwing you into the ocean for the rest of time will give you > something interesting to think about." He motions to the thugs, > "Take him away!" > > The thugs drag the Oracle out the door. > > [Is this the end of our heroic Oracle? Will he be able to escape > from this watery fate? Stay tuned for the answers to these questions > after this quick break.] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Burton Laxitives -- for a revitalizing empty feel , Brought to you } by the people who gave you Draino } } Now back to our normal programing......... } } The Oracle standing there asseses the situation and is quick to } realise that he controls all of time. He therefore manipulates time } to 5 minutes before the event. } } We find our hero, The Internet Oracle, in the bedroom with a beautiful } young blonde. They both have very large smiles. } } "Orrie darling, this has been the best time I've had in } my life, and well, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry." } } "Thats ok " } } Faster than it takes to blink, she grabs the Oracle's Staff Of Zot } and moves out of reach. The door bursts open and three large thugs } seize the Oracle. The Oracle, without his Staff Of Zot, is quickly } overpowered. } } "Please dont hurt me , please, please, please, please" } } "You deserve to die, Orrie." } } An elderly gentleman with an eye patch over his left eye. He carries } with him a woodchuck, which he strokes constantly as he talks. } He grins evilly and continues, "Since you are immortal, I know I } cannot kill you, but I think that encasing you in concrete and } throwing you into the ocean for the rest of time will give you } something interesting to think about." He motions to the thugs, } "Take him away!" } } "Wait, I think you underestimate my situation" } } "No I think you overestimate yours, I have the staff that means } no *ZOT*" } } "Well, you see I sort of had a feeling this was going to happen and } took the necessary precuations and replaced the staf with a fake one" } } Then in a blast of light there is a big.... } } #### #### ##### } # # # # } # # # # } #### #### # } } And all of the Woodchuck followers where gone, The Woodchuck scampers } off into the distance. } } You owe the oracle a rock and a hard place!!!!!!